I'm Not Really Better.

[emptyinside]

I've been distracting myself. Been reading news, involved in an activity that can eat up time, reading books, etc. I didn't cry for a few weeks. Felt almost normal. It's still not my normal routine. When I think of doing my normal routine in another city, I begin to waver and cry again.

I'm not better. I still feel lonely and empty inside, even when I'm with friends. I know what I want to do in life, but when I think I don't have my loved one with me to witness it and enjoy it with me, I feel that I shouldn't even bother anymore. I just feel like a shell, coasting by. Can anyone relate?

[kath]

Dear Em,

I don't think anything felt "normal" for the first couple years. How can it when we are consumed with thoughts of our loved ones at every waking moment? I imagined myself with one foot planted in the ground while the other inched along, begrudgingly at best. With that came the realization that I was still stretching, at a snail's pace, but part of me kept moving. That image helped me start dragging my other foot to catch up. If we hang onto too much from the past, we will not see the opportunities that lie ahead. It's a slow, slow process and you are getting there, my friend. Go easy on yourself. There really is no time limit to this journey.

Eventually, the emptiness inside gets replaced with bits of confidence. We hear our loved ones praise and approval echo in our hearts and though we long for so much more, it becomes enough to keep pushing. Nothing feels quite the same, but then, either did my life with Bob feel like anything I had yet experienced. Change is never easy. Please take comfort in not having to go it alone. We are here for you.

Love,

Kath

[LindaKoz]

Kath,

Thanks for the beautiful imagery. I long for the day when I can hear Brian's praise and approval echo in my heart and for the pain to be in the background rather than the forefront. He was my biggest supporter as I prepare for my future ministry. I've been afraid that I might not be able to keep taking the necessasry steps without him. But I truly know that he is in heaven cheering me on . . . I just wish I could hear him now. Thanks again.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[steely]

I can really relate to how you feel. My issue is diabetes. When I was first diagnosed 9 months ago I was determined to take care of myself, so I could take care of him. I radically changed my diet began to exercise, took my meds. I just have no reason now. I don't care anymore. He was my rock and my biggest supporter. Now everything seems just pointless. The holidays are not going to be the same. Nothing is going to be the same ever again. I am lost and confused. How do I gain the will to take care of myself when I don't even want to get out of bed.

[LindaKoz]

Oh, Steely,I feel your pain. I've been having a real difficult time getting up in the morning. I don't seem to have the motivation I need to live my life the way I used to. Try to hold on to the love that you had and remember that your husband would want you to take care of yourself. I'm told once the pain and the longing subside we will be able to reconnect to the strong, ever-lasting love that we had. Hold on for that feeling. Your husband is still your rock and your biggest supporter and he always will be. I think everything you are feeling and experiencing right now are "normal" -- I'm feeling the same way. Be gentle on yourself and remember to focus on the moment ahead. Don't look too far into the future for now because it will seem overwhelming and unmanageable. I'm sending love and hugs your way.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Kat2005]

Steely,

I can identify with all that you are feeling because I am feeling the same. The thing that you have to

remember is that your husband would want you to take care of yourself. There are many people here that still

need you. Our lives will never be the same without our loved ones. I have to believe that they are still

with us even though we cannot physically see or feel them. We need to grieve at our own pace and remember

that this is something that we can't rush through. This is hard for me to remember also because the pain

is so great at times. Remember "baby steps".

Take care,

Kat

[jrm]

Dear Em...It's been 4 months since Duke was killed in our motorcycle accident. First I had to concentrate and try hard to heal myself. That sure took up a lot of my time. There was much paper work and legal meetings to take up my time in the first few months. Now I am getting around, driving to PT, and doing little housework which takes up my time. I think the key is we have to keep busy I want no one here more than my Duke. It seems now I just can't stop crying...I have a hard time now where before I was either too busy taking care of me or reality is just setting in. You will find a lot of encouragement here on this site so continue to post and we will all pray to ease your pain

[kath]

Dear Steely,

I guess I had the opposite reaction to my health care. I used to pour all my energy into caring for Bob and the kids. When widowed with two young children, I felt I needed to be really vigilant with my health as I had neglected seeing a doctor for years and years. I knew they were counting on me. Didn't you say you have his children and grandchildren? It is okay to survive for someone else's sake until you are able to do it for yourself. That is how I managed at least. I don't want them to lose another parent. I understand how every waking step is exhausting. With diabetes, you have to be really regimented in your self care. I used to say it was good that Bob was the one that had it and not me. He was so much more equiped to staying on a schedule. My needs had always been last on my list. So, please, find a way to stay on time with your meds and your meals. You are very important, and I am guessing it is more than just us that feels that way.

[Korina]

Steely and Empty Inside:

As with Kath, I forced myself to, in the beginning, eat and get outside with the baby (usually) once a day, because I had a responsibility to our daughter (and I promised him I would take care of her). That was how I got through the beginning. As time has passed, I have gradually started becoming interested in regular life, watching the news, and even politics (our common interest). And started working out. It all has seemed to come at its own time. I still cannot do too much in a day, but I am working on it. Scott was generally more concerned about my health than his own (I dearly wish he had dealt with his own health more...), so I know he would want me to take care of myself, both for me and my daughter's sake. And he was extremely proud of any of my accomplishments, so as I slowly get back to life, I hang onto the thought that some of these things will make him proud (he is my guardian angel).

Korina

[Chai]

Dear Em,

I can relate. School is a great distraction for me, but deep down, I am sad and lonely. I do normal things with people, like you said, but it's all so meaningless. It's stupid. None of these people really, really care about me, and I don't really, really care about them. I can't have a meaningful conversation about anything important, what to speak of how much I miss my father, with any of them. All of the people who really care for me are far away. Telephones...I just can't talk about important things on the phone with people.

I miss so much having conversations that really mattered, and knowing when I sat down next to my dad that, here is someone who really loves me.

It all comes back to me at nights, and I think all these things I wish I could blurt out and say to people...but they're (the people) all just so awkward, that I get torn between wanting to say it and dreading the awkwardness. During the day I am OK, but at night, I feel so lonely.

I feel like you do about the future. Without them here to see it, what is the point of completing those future goals we were once, together, so excited about? I am forced to keep an eye on my future because my college graduation nears, but my mood about it is not excited. I'll be relieved when it's over. I'll be relieved to be able to get back into writing.

A few months after my father passed, my writing was chugging along so well; I buried myself in it to help myself, I guess. But now, even the writing is lack luster and not very often...so I just drift along, repeating routines and missing so many people, and missing depth and meaning to my life. The tidbit I do get is the occasional religious function that I go to.

I hope that we all come upon times where the burden is easier.

take care,

Chai

[JamesI]

I've been distracting myself. Been reading news, involved in an activity that can eat up time, reading books, etc. I didn't cry for a few weeks. Felt almost normal. It's still not my normal routine. When I think of doing my normal routine in another city, I begin to waver and cry again.

I'm not better. I still feel lonely and empty inside, even when I'm with friends. I know what I want to do in life, but when I think I don't have my loved one with me to witness it and enjoy it with me, I feel that I shouldn't even bother anymore. I just feel like a shell, coasting by. Can anyone relate?

Dear Em:

I am so sorry that you are not feeling better,but,it is good that you are distracting yourself. We all need a break from our mourning,but,we do need to mourn our loved one so that we will be able to heal from our sadness and sorrow.

I must admit,though,that I feel the same way.

I started feeling better for the last few weeks and then I felt guilty for feeling better and the reality set in and I get sad and become emotional all over again. But, it was not as bad as it was previously.

I think it is good for you to be reading and distracting yourself. I've been doing the same thing.

I've been attending a bereavement group for the last 8 weeks at this local Catholic Church and it has helped me.

I also see a one on one grief counselor every few weeks. She helps too. The rest is up to me.

I started working out for the last 3 months and that has helped me too,although,sometimes during my workout I think about my mother and it makes me sad,but,I just tell myself to keep going and continue on.

I learned at the bereavement group that it is important to talk about your loved one to whoever you are able to confide in that understands or gets it and that is not uncomfortable with it.

I can understand that it may be difficult to find that person.

If you cannot find that kind of person, try to see a grief counselor and attend a bereavement group in your area.

Most of the bereavement groups are free. If you have health insurance, you can also see a grief counselor on a one on one basis also. It will really help.

Please keep me informed on how you are coming along. Have not seen you posting for awhile.

Always remember,Em,that what you are feeling is similar to what we are all feeling about our loved ones.

There are no quick fixes. There is no timetable.

It does get better. It does get easier.

Post here more often and all the wonderful people on this website will help too.

Keep me informed.

Be well.

James

[Boo Mayhew]

Em, I think your Dad is extremely proud of you for doing what you are doing. It is the greatest honour you can bestow on him, to simply try moving forward/onward. A friend of mine who is a counsellor (and lost her baby son) tells me that it is as important to take a break from grief work as it is to work on your grief. I guess that is what distractions are?

You know your name here sums it all up. You do feel empty inside, broken, as we do when we lose those we love. When you grieve you do find it hard to get passionate about anything, it makes you feel tired and despondant, it's as though your feet move forward but your heart couldn't care less whether you do or you don't. If you are not distracted, it takes every ounce of strength and will that you have to do the smallest of things.

While we grieve it's as though we become shadows of our former selves, our lives feel as though they are not fulfilled or right or normal. And that's the crux of it. We are taking those little baby steps, learning how to adapt ... how to live without them being physically here with us, whilst, at the same time, loving them, missing them and feeling all of the emotions that goes with the territory. No wonder we are jaded.

Don't ever feel as though what you feel or do isn't right. It is what it is. You feel what you feel. I'm not surprised, having lost such a special Dad ... but I equally know that one day, who knows when, but it will come ... you will carry him in your heart and smile again. You will find yourself saying things he used to say and make the world a better, wiser place because of it ... you will be again, you will live life with passion again, just not yet. Not yet.

I wish you didn't have to go through this, truly. People say we are brave or strong but the truth is we have no option.

Peace, light and love to you

xxx