Family Members That Never Called

[LindaG]

I'm a bit stuck in my head on why a family member would not offer sympathy or reach out to help in such a horrible time. Has anyone else had a similar situation. It is hurtful as my husband and I would have never done the same. It is causing me to have some angry feelings that normally I would never have or hold.

-Linda G

[Rochel]

Hi Linda,

Who knows why people do or don't do the things they do...this can be so hurtful...My husband was estranged from his sister and we did not see her at the Memorial..she just couldn't handle it and besides that I sent the dvd of the entire service to her and I have not heard from her...There was anger on both sides I guess... Now he is in a better place and he would probably forgive her for what he knows now (in the sweet by and by)...what can be that important to be angry about in light of all this grief..I see life differently in that things people think are so important are not...what is important is Love...Loving your mate and living in the now and don't fight unless you really know how to make up...these lonely nights can get to you...Anger on top of grief is very difficult...try to shake it off and stay with us here..."your family"...we love you...let go of the anger...it will only hurt you...Bless you, Rochel

[steely]

I haven't heard from any of Harold's brother's or family. I do hear from his children upon occasion. I don't know why this is. You'd think they might check on me. Maybe they are afraid that it will upset me, maybe they just don't care. I have no idea why.

[kayc]

Yes, almost everyone has that happen to them with someone or another...my husband's family didn't do anything and most of them didn't even make it to the funeral. His kids didn't come either. His friends disappeared after the funeral. My brother never even sent me a card. It happens, you get over it. Some people, for whatever reason, aren't good at responding. Sorry you're experiencing this!

[Korina]

My close family and Scott's close family have been wonderful. There were a couple people whom I expected to attend his memorial that did not, but I chalk it up to those individuals dealing with their feelings in their own way. And one of the individuals has been incredibly supportive in other ways.

However, my husband's family has experienced this with relatives (whom I don't really know), and I know it has hurt and confused them.

Korina

[LindaG]

Hi All-

I appreciate your kind posts. I think I feel it is somehow disrespectful to Joe - to not offer some words?? I am surrounded by good family and friends who have gone above and beyond to guide me thru some of this... Friends from years ago - that have had a Mass said for him as far away as Arizona. ...Ugghhh.... I just miss him like crazy and can't understand any of this.

Thank you for your perspective and similar stories. What a horrible way to meet such a nice group of caring people.

- Linda G

[mlg]

If you look at past posts a lot of us have lacked family support. Tom's family tell me they lost a brother too and have to deal with it in their own way (sticking their heads in the sand). I am to accept the way they grieve but they don't have to accept me or talk about it.

Rochel, I wish it was easy to make up. The hurt has been often and deep and as a usually forgiving person I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive them. I hope others can handle this better.

[Rochel]

Hi Mary Linda,

It will only hurt you...and not them...having this bitterness is harmful to your health...It is like you are taking poison and hoping the other person dies...I heard this at a counseling session once and I never forgot it...My husband was not a forgiving person and that has hurt many people including me...He was never unforgiving to me, but hard on others and it bothered me because I didn't want that bitterness to kill him...looks like I didn't get my way after all...Be good to yourself...Rochel

[Chai]

Can I post something sortof from the other side of things?

I am a family member...and my dear uncle lives across the country. I don't call him half as much as I should, and on the one hand I feel awful about this. He probably wonders, or maybe he is on your all's side of this issue and is feeling confused, or angry, or sad with me.

But it's just so hard. I barely know my uncle, and now, he is trying to get to know me after the loss of his brother, my father. He calls me up, and talks to me about all sorts of things...but what I wish we would talk about is the real reason that we are calling each other at all: my dad, losing my dad. I want to talk about him with my uncle. I want to remember. I want to talk about feelings, about deep important things, not the daily grind and politics and stuff.

Plus, I am still going through the process of grief. I don't know who I am, and here my uncle is so nicely trying to get to know me, but...I just don't know how to be, when on the phone with him. Behind every conversation is that grief, lurking. I don't want it to lurk. I want to pull it out from behind the curtain and say, "hey! Stop the smalltalk! Let's talk about this!"

My uncle is a huge optimist. He can go on and on happily about many things. I just don't feel like spending an hour on the phone talking blah with him. It's hard enough doing daily grind stuff, talking mundane who-cares crap, with people at school. Inviting more of it upon myself...I just don't want to. It feels like an ordeal. Sometimes it doesn't, but since there is that awkwardness that I feel (which, really I know I myself have created), I tend to not call as much.

I know it is selfish of me. I don't want to hurt my uncle...but I just feel lost. It's another thing to think about, that is potentially a big thing, but also potentially more smalltalk...I have made a stressful thing in my mind. I don't know how to change it. If I wanted to make time, I know I would, and I would call. But instead I just feel weird.

This is the other side of the spectrum - being a family member that never calls. My uncle and I were at the memorial for my dad, and we visited my grandmother before she passed on. Now he's across the country, and...here I am. Supposed to be calling, but not. I tried to say I'd call once a week, but I couldn't stick to it. I want to, but it's hard.

[MartyT]

Chai, dear ~ I wonder what would happen if you told your uncle exactly what you've just told all of us? There is nothing disrespectful, uncaring or unreasonable in what you've said or how you've said it. It's possible that your uncle would like to talk to you about his brother, your dad, as well, but he may be holding back and taking his cue from you. (The only way to find out what another person is really thinking, of course, is to ask.) If you cannot bring yourself to say what you need to tell him on the phone, why not write it out ahead of time, so you can choose your words more carefully and know in advance what you want to say and how you want to say it?

[Chai]

Dear Marty,

Thank you for being so understanding. I like your suggestion. I sent my uncle an email a while back, saying sortof what I felt, but I didn't get a reply back from him, so I'm not sure how he feels about it.

You have definitely given me some things to think on, though. Writing seems to work better for me in some cases, when phone is just so hard.

I did call my uncle on Thanksgiving. We talked about our dinners, and he talked about how he and his wife were house-and-dog-sitting for relatives, because they didn't want to be at home. In September, 2 months before my dad passed away, my uncle wife lost her brother and dad in a car accident. Usually those two visit my uncle and his wife for Thanksgiving, so this year, they were happy to house-and-dog-sit. I felt like his talking about that, acknowledging the grief in our conversation, was a good step forward (and I'm guessing he read my email). So, I have hopes for future phone conversations...and I have made a point to write him more emails, so he knows that I work better with that.

Also, I plan to send him a postcard as a sortof thank you/belated birthday note. So...slowly I am progressing in this arena. And you have given me more to think on, thank you. =)

I think the real point in all of this is honesty. Instead of holding it back, we should speak to our family members - whether it is from the angle of, "I want more from you," or from my angle, where I am the want who is doing a bad job of keeping in contact.

take care,

Chai

[kath]

I think the real point in all of this is honesty. Instead of holding it back, we should speak to our family members - whether it is from the angle of, "I want more from you," or from my angle, where I am the want who is doing a bad job of keeping in contact.

take care,

Chai

Well put, Chai! Ive often assumed that others should know what I am feeling and what I am going through. Grief can make people uncomfortable. But more often than not, opening up and being honest allows them the same freedom to talk about their own experience. No matter how long ago or how buried it is, the feelings can surface so easily in the right atmosphere. I hate to say that misery loves company, but rather it is so reassuring to feel that what we are going through is normal. And there are a lot of people who have not gone through it and therefore have not a clue. (Lucky for them.)

I have recognized the individuals I can talk to and the ones with the cliche responses. I don't wear grief on my sleeve as much as before. Loss, like love, has more often become part of my character. That is probably the new normal we hear of so often.

Take care,

Kath