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I Lost My Soul Mate


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My name is Richard and I am a 46 year old man in the grips of the perfect storm of pain. I am so completely devestated... The girl I felt was the one has left me.... The door has slammed shut and I am at a low I never thought could possibly exist... 1 month ago, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life... It's been just 7 days now and I don't know what to do from here.... I am reaching out and I am sorry to burden people with this, but I don't know how I am going to get through this...

Richard

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Hi Richard: My thoughts are with you. I know what it is like to be devastated when you lose a soulmate. I lost my longtime partner suddenly 4 months ago, and just this morning, I was asking myself "How can I go on when my spirit has died." I feel that my spirit died along with my partner. I am told that the spark of my spirit is still there, but it doesn't feel like it.

You are not burdening anyone in this group; certainly you aren't burdening me. We are here because we all know the pain of losing someone so close to us. The story and details may be different, of course, but I understand just how intense your pain is. I am so very sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. Believe me, I cry for you because I know how it feels. None of us, perhaps, knows just how to get through it. Right now, I honestly put one foot in front of the other. I try not to project too much into the future, because I totally freak out if I do that. Some days, I feel like "I can't do this anymore." but I have done it for four months. I guess all I'm going on right now is that instinct to survive. Perhaps, it may get better one day, I truly don't know, although others say it will get better. The only advice I can really give is to get all the support and love you can. Post here lots, if you can; it will help. Again, I am sorry for your pain. I wish you didn't have to go through this; this is one group, like they say, that no one wants to join.

Susan

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Thank you Susan... As you said, the only thing keeping me going is the instinct to survive... It's a rough place to be. I feel like my entire soul is gone. I go minute by minute... with wave after wave of pain ripping through me.... I feel bad, because I can't give back to anyone else as I am at the point of just barely surviving myself... Maybe one day I will be able to do what you just did for me...

Thank you again

Richard

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Hi Again Richard: Please don't worry that you aren't giving back; you give simply by reaching out and I thank you for doing so. For some reason, our horrible pain can at least take on some meaning, if we help others. When I first heard of Dale's death, I literally was like a wet rag and hanging on for dear life to everyone else I cared for. My friends and family virtually had to take turns holding me in their arms, I could not be left without human touch. I couldn't take care of anyone, I could only try and take care of myself; and did not so well at that. So, you just hang on and get support from others. I hear you....I hate living only on the instinct to survive while feeling like my soul has died. In a way, it has, or at least part of our souls have died and the pain is beyond belief. If I can help you through this just a little, I will...and so will others in this group and around you. My thoughts and my tears are with you. Susan.

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I have my Dad and step mom (thank GOD)... I had let myself get lost in the relationship.... There was no separation between myself and the relationship... we were one in identity. I need to care for myself, because I never have in my life. I am in Therapy too. I am going to find out just who I really am and weather the perfect storm of pain.

Richard

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Hello Richard,

You sure don't burden anyone of us here, we are all part of the same group and we all are seeing how the passing of that loved one impacted us. There are days where I feel like I am surviving, others just to overwhelmed to do anything, and others just dealing with the raw emotions that come with the pain of my father's departure.

Right now I feel like my life has been completely shattered by my Dad's passing. I found myself thinking about the scattered pieces of my life and trying to understand how to put them back together again in a way that makes sense, its like comparing it to a glass cup, if it try to put it back together, it sure would not look the same as before, but it may just perform the same function. I guess what I am trying to say is my dad's death is an event that has forever changed me, and right now I am trying to figure out how to go on, move forward with my life and trying to understand who this "new" me is....My father means so much to me and don't get me wrong, moving forward doesn't mean forgetting about him, it means going on with life doing the things that would make him proud and being more conscious about how short this life is and how important it is to make the best out of it.

Tomorrow it will be 4 months since Dad passed, and at times I cannot comprehend how come my father is dead. How come the person who did so much for us (my family) is not here with us to laugh, to enjoy life's simplest things. God knows I miss him terribly, I would love to be able to give him a hug or tell him how my day was, but that is just not possible. Some times I wished I would dream about him more, so at least I can hug him in my dream, but I also know wherever he is, he is at peace. His departure was so calm and peaceful and with a smile on his face for us, his family.

You are more than welcome to come here, and vent, cry, seek support, because that is what we are here for. Take things one day at a time, and know that it is ok to grieve and mourn, it is healthy. Whenever you want to express something, we are here for you.

Hugs,

-L

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I lost my spouse seven months ago and it is finally getting easier. We had married young and vitually grown up together so now I have to learn a lot of new things alone. It is not easy, especially since we had been through grief before when we lost a daughter plus others in our family. At least then we handled it together. We each have our own special way to handle grief but my way seemed to be to keep busy. Friends are a great source of help also. It helps both them and you if you let them help. They also feel a loss of a good friend. Just keep taking each day one at a time. It's good that you are in a therapy group. I found that therapy helps you again as you pass the first pain filled months. I just finished my second session and got a lot more out of this one. Good luck to you and don't give up.

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I lost my spouse seven months ago and it is finally getting easier. We had married young and vitually grown up together so now I have to learn a lot of new things alone. It is not easy, especially since we had been through grief before when we lost a daughter plus others in our family. At least then we handled it together. We each have our own special way to handle grief but my way seemed to be to keep busy. Friends are a great source of help also. It helps both them and you if you let them help. They also feel a loss of a good friend. Just keep taking each day one at a time. It's good that you are in a therapy group. I found that therapy helps you again as you pass the first pain filled months. I just finished my second session and got a lot more out of this one. Good luck to you and don't give up.

Thanks for the support... I am getting through another day... I will visit. I feel better that I am not alone and that everyone has stories to share...

Thanks

Richard

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Richard:

As already stated, your grief is no burden to any of us here. I lost my soulmate 8 months ago, my best friend. What do you do with such a loss?! At first, surviving from moment to moment. I tried to think of things to do that would make Scott proud. This is what I think Joannie Rochette, the figure skater, did, as her mother died just as she came to watch her daughter compete in the Olympics. And I saw an interview with Brian Burke (US Hockey Team GM) earlier today, whose son was killed just a week before the Olympics. I frankly was amazed he was able to be there for his team, as he had to give himself to the team. Don't know if I could have done the same. But he said it gave him something to focus on, and he just had to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, and to cry just a little bit less each day.

For me, crying is all over the place. My 'focus' was and is our baby girl, as she needs me, and I promised Scott I would be the best mom I could be (with hopefully a little guidance from above...). And my friends and family have totally been there for me, as it sounds like yours are. Don't be afraid to reach out to them. I continue to do so, as I realized from the get go that I could not do this on my own.

The family here has been amazing. Keep coming back whenever you feel the need.

My thoughts are with you,

Korina

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Thanks Korina... I am 46 and alone in a small town I moved to from Toronto a couple of years ago. I separated myself from friends and family and let the relationship be all I had.... I was so very happy, but strangely I gained weight, spent money to fill an unfillable void and sucked the relationship dry because I was not able to provide any love and caring for myself.... I now have support from my Dad and step Mom. (My step mom has been unterly giving and loving)... I had not talked to my dad for over 10 years until a week ago. I blamed him for childhood issues that that were wrecking my relationships. I blamed everyone but me.... I never gave my step mom a chance period... Turns out she is the most loving person ever. She treats me like her own son... Just what I need right now. There are so many other issues wrapped up in all this so it's not just the loss, but a film reel of my whole life... I have been carrying around 46 years of pain and anger that has set the tempo of my life and part of why I lose relationships. These issues are probably way out of the scope of this forum, but I just wanted to give more background. I am also just enrolled in Therapy... I am grieving the loss, god the pain is intense. But I have work to do on myself as well. I never took emotional care for myself before, so I am utterly terrified.... Day 8

Richard

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Is this about loving myself?

Every place I have ever lived in by myself was just a shell, sterile. No pictures, no nick nacks, no decorations. The women in my life would add something here and there, but I never did. Yesterday I went to buy some winter boots (as my step mom balled me out for not having any). Along with the boots, I ended up buying a hall mirror, wall clock and a couple of throw rugs. I also put some pictures up on the wall. Today I am going to buy some more items that I feel will make my house a home. I am going to buy a photo album so I can put the important pictures throught my life in a safe place. I have never done this before... is this an act self love?... It seams to make me feel a little better about myself.

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Richard - Though most of the grief posting here is about the death of a loved one, there is a forum here for the loss of a love relationship, which seems to fit your situation. It will probably help you to be precise about the forum you post in, but the moderator can move this thread, and the important thing is that you are airing your grief.

I am glad to see you connecting with your father after 10 years of no communication. Discovering that your step-mom is a caring person that now matters to you is also good. Perhaps your recent loss of a love relationship, while causing grief, is also helping you grow in other ways.

Bravo to you for making your home more livable with decoration and memorabilia. I did the same thing recently, in that I cleared storage boxes out of my living room and set up a sitting area. Isn't it strange how we suddenly care about things we never cared about before? Again, that's a kind of growth.

From what you have written, I can see you are coping with your grief and are not completely stuck. Within days you seem to be making progress. Wow! I too would like to be less 'stuck', but I think I have months to go before I reacquire any sense of a normal life.

Ron B.

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Thanks for saying what I was thinking as I read the posts this morning........

I also would like to say that we are deeply in sorrow over our deceased loved ones and although you can get good feedback here for your loss, you may not be able to relate to ours....May the Lord bless you in maturing thru this new situation in your life...Rochel

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That's OK Richard. You don't have to be sorry for anything. I agree with Ron, even though the death of your loved one is causing you pain, it is somehow making you look at things you never thought of before, and I think that's a good thing. The fact that you are expressing it, means you are starting to notice that about yourself. Each on of our griefs is unique, and very personal. But I know one thing, it sure changes us, in one way or another.If we discover something new about ourselves, it means we are growing. It is amazing how we can experience so many emotions in moments, not hours, not days, not years...but moments. Life is made of sooooo many moments. Learning from all of them is what make us who we are.

Ron,

As I am looking at the input and feedback you have provided to others on this site, I truly believe you have a tremendous gift with words, and you are using it in a positive way. I am glad about that :-) keep doing that.

That's all for now.

-L

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Richard,

You don't say whether your SO died or literally "left you". Either way, you are grieving. I extend my sorrow to you and want to welcome you to this site. It takes time to heal and get past the pain, and there really are no shortcuts. We can tell you all kinds of positive things but right now, I'm afraid it's too soon for you to hear them. You can go back and read our posts of when we all lost our spouse, and you'll see we've all been there, feeling many of the same thoughts and feelings as you are now. I will leave you with one thought...this time will pass and you will get through it, eventually we do adjust and adapt. It takes much to get there, and it's the hardest thing we've ever had to work at, but we do survive, and you will too. Please feel free to come on this site and vent, cry, scream, any time you want, we've all had our turns doing just that.

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  • 3 months later...

I recently watched my Soul Mate, my fiancee, my love, take his last breath after battling cancer for 18 months. He passed away peacefully in my arms on April 21, 2010. We were to be married June 7, 2010 in the forest , but pneumonia set in quickly and ended his life.

I am so heartbroken and don't know where to begin. My family has encouraged me to start over, move on, get over it, etc. To add to my heartache, my fiancee's family has turned against me as I left the house. I was not the POA upon his passing. I have a wonderful grief counselor thru Hospice of the Valley here in AZ, however, I have no one who understands this type of loss. I am feeling alone, numb, lost, and I cry often. My fiancee, Don , was only 47 yrs old, I am 48. He was the love of my life, and he told me I was his.

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Deb,

First let me extend my heartfelt sympathy at your sorrow. You are not alone. It is not uncommon for spouse/partner's families to disappear on us after the death, if not worse...my husband's family did so as well.

You might want to have the moderator move this post to "Loss of Spouse" section...just because you didn't make it to June 7 doesn't make what you had any less significant, in your hearts and souls you were soulmates just as me and my George were. I just think you'd get more coverage in that section.

You have found a very caring site with a lot of people going through the same thing. I want you to know that you will make it through this...it may not be easy and certainly not desirable, but somehow we do learn to survive it, whether we want to or not. And you won't have to do it alone, there are good people here to relate to you, understand, care, listen, encourage and sometimes even share something helpful. This place has been a lifesaver to me.

(((hugs)))

Kay

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Thank you Kay ! I am sorry for your loss, too. I will see my grief counselor thru Hospice tomorrow afternoon. He always assures me I will be okay. I do have to wonder why my phone has stopped ringing, not many text messages anymore from friends, or emails like before when my Don was so ill. And the hate letters from Don's mother and family are starting to stop too. thank goodness for that. I feel so completely alone now. If it weren't for my 25 year old daughter who jumped right in and helped me move and has supported me 100% during these past 41 days, and the Hospice counselor I meet with every other friday, I'm not sure I would be getting out of bed at this point. I miss my Donnie more and more...feels like shock still that he is really gone.

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I want to add that I had Marty start this portion of the site when I was going through the loss of my last husband (to divorce). While some people may not recognize it as such, divorce is a loss too, esp. when you didn't want it or expect it. Please don't be so brusque as to infer someone doesn't belong here, their loss is every bit as real to them as yours is to you. There is a "loss of spouse" section for loss due to death and the loss of a love relationship can very well be used for divorce, changed minds, etc.

My heart goes out to you, your loss is very real and I'm sorry you are going through this. If you want to message me, please feel free to.

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Dear Deb and Kay ~

I don't mean to interrupt your conversation, but Kay is right ~ this forum was intended for those experiencing "the grief that is part of the divorce / breaking up process."

Just so you know, I agree with you, Kay, that Deb's posts in this particular forum might better be placed in our Loss of a Spouse, Partner or Significant Other forum ~ Unfortunately, there is no way for me to do that, since I cannot move individual posts from one forum to another ~ I can only move entire topics that way. Since most of the posts in this thread really do belong in the Loss of a Love Relationship forum, I think it's best to leave them here.

Deb, you may do well to follow Kay's suggestion, and begin your own thread in our Loss of a Spouse, Partner or Significant Other forum.

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Deb could, however, copy and paste her post to start a new thread in "Loss of Spouse" section. There are so many more people that are on that forum that would respond to her and be of encouragement and help to her.

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