Has Anyone Had This Experience?

[IMBlessed]

Hi,

I am a new widow and have a question. I feel full of contentment, maybe from all the prayers I've been receiving. I was wondering if there was anything to read about this...it's not stated or talked about in the normal grieving process. Has anyone had this experience?... or know of something I can read regarding this would be greatly appreciated.

Shalom

[ARiddle729]

Hi,

While I have not exactly experienced contentment, I am finding that I am handling the loss of my husband much better than I thought I could. I definitely believe that prayers help. I have had many prayers offered up for me and it makes me feel better just knowing there are people out there who care. My husband was also very strong, optimistic, and full of joy and often told me he wanted this for me when he was gone. Therefore, I have tried very hard to be strong for him. I wish I could say I always managed to be that way. I have only been widowed 2 weeks and already have found that some days I do great, but others are very hard to get through.

I also knew a woman whose daughter died at 23 years of age. I remember this woman saying that a feeling of peace and contentment enveloped her on the morning after her daughters death. She said it was a very strange experience and very far from what she expected her reaction to be.

I hope this contentment lasts for you. I do not know of any reading material on this subject, but I am sure you are not alone.

Best wishes

Angie

[Babs11]

ARiddle729,

I have not felt this and it has been over 6mos..I too have prayed and had prayers sent to me..and I am a Very

Strong Believer in Faith..and Love..and Spirituality...I am happy that you have found what helps you...

Love and Peace, Babs.

[kath]

Initially, I think a lot of us feel numb to the loss. You are fortunate to recognize the peace that comes with prayer. That trust is remarkable for taking away our fears. A lot of times, our faith is greatly shaken by such a loss. Then after a while, it seems to grow deeper than ever before, if given the chance. I had what I thought was an extreme calm during my husband's illness and eventual death. I prayed for God to wrap His arms around him and I believe He answered those prayers. Bob was free from any fear of death. His complete serenity gave me hope. I felt "held" as well. It didn't take away the agonizing pain of my broken heart, but it got me through the initial stages in tact.

Hold onto those feelings and put your trust in them. God does take care of widows and we are never totally alone. There will be times where we don't feel it so much and the lonliness is unbearable, then a gentle reminder will come our way again.

I am sorry for your recent loss. Knowing we will be with them again some day is a comfort not everyone can appreciate. I don't know of any books just on this, but Marty has a list of books on this site that are worth looking into.

Take good care,

Kath

[ARiddle729]

ARiddle729,

I have not felt this and it has been over 6mos..I too have prayed and had prayers sent to me..and I am a Very

Strong Believer in Faith..and Love..and Spirituality...I am happy that you have found what helps you...

Love and Peace, Babs.

I just want to clarify that in my earlier post, I was in no way suggesting that prayer and Faith WILL bring you contentment. I only meant that I do believe prayer helps us through. No matter how strong we are in our faith, we have lost one half of our being and it hurts deeply. I myself have not experienced contentment. In fact, I am very confused and conflicted about many things in my life right now. I have only been surprised that I have handled the grief better than I expected that I would. At first, I was afraid I would be totally incapacitated. Now, I realize I can function on a daily basis. However, I can still be completely undone by some very simple reminder of Dan.

I also agree with Kath when she said many of us feel initial numbness and even when we experience some peace, it does not take away the agonizing heart break. My first big surprise after Dan's death was the actual physical pain that I felt. My body and heart hurt so bad - I had never experienced anything like that through other family losses. So, even if I am somewhat at peace today, I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.

Of course, the circumstances surrounding your spouse's death will effect your grieving also. My husband had cancer for 3 years and even though his rapid decline and death came much faster than expected, I still had time to tell him goodbye and how much I loved him. He also had time to prepare me for his death. His examples of strength, courage, optimism, and faith have helped me more than anything else. We were together for 28 years but I learned so much about his character during his illness. I had never before realized how truly amazing he was. Many people have told me that Dan was a true inspiration in their lives. The one thing he made perfectly clear to me was that he did not want me to fall into depression, cry for days, or stop living. One day, he told me, "I don't want you having a boo-hoo fest when I am gone. I want you to smile, laugh and have a party." So, on the days that I do not want to face the world, I try hard to remember this and do the best I can.

Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on but I just don't want anyone to think that I was suggesting that if you don't have peace and contentment, you don't have enough faith or say enough prayers. I do not believe this at all. I don't even know enough about this kind of grief yet to know what kind of shape I will be in a few months down the road. I can only hope and pray that I will be able to find peace and contentment from time to time. Somewhere on this site, a person posted that you cannot go "around" grief, you must go "through" it. I think of this often and it helps me focus on doing what I can to get "through" it one day at a time, instead of looking for a way "around" it.

Best wishes to you all

Angie

[kayc]

I do know the power of prayer...I selected "It is Well (with my soul)" for George's memorial service. But don't be surprised if, when you come out of shock, you feel other emotions, anger, hurt, emptiness, pain, you name it, we go through the whole gamut. If you find at some point you cannot "feel God" or wonder where He went, which is also common, realize He is there, and accept on faith that He cares even when it doesn't feel like it or you don't understand it. And it's okay to vent to Him too.

[Ron B.]

IMBlessed,

I did have a somewhat similar experience once, though only for a few hours. At a memorial service a bereaved friend of mine was upset and could hardly speak. For some reason I was not upset with loss, but rather had a very positive feeling of gain for having known the deceased. I communicated this positive feeling, and it helped boost my friend's morale.

People in these forums know this positive feeling, although it seems contrary to what grief is supposed to be about. I've read many posts about finding strength to cope with loss, and that this strength was somehow imparted to us by our lost loved ones. Perhaps this is the counterbalance to grief and loss. There are positive emotions that occur during bereavement; our belief in our lost love ones is so joyous and strong that it buoys us. That you feel contentment is remarkable; it seems you have reached a maturity where positive feeling and gain actually prevail over grief and loss.

The prayers you have received make me think your religious tradition has also assisted you through bereavement.

Your experience challenges us to rethink bereavement; apparently it's not all about grief and loss. I searched the net for an hour but couldn't find anything matching up with your positive feelings through bereavement. I am hoping you will write a bit more about your experience. Thank you for your post!

Ron B.

[Korina]

I have not yet experienced a feeling of contentment, though I must admit there have been times of happiness, usually when surrounded with loved ones, that made me wonder if there was something wrong with me. And I definitely experienced that numbness during Scott's funeral, as I hardly cried, and felt as though I was in a clear box, separated from everything going on around me. I remember distinctly, at one point, thinking I needed to "put a sad look on my face", and "What is wrong with me, I am at my husband's funeral!"

However, I have found my grief changing from that of shock and numbness (Scott's death was unexpected), to something deeper and more profound every day. It is not getting worse, just different. I do believe he is up in heaven, or whatever the next step is, though I am not always super strong in this faith - I am working on it. If I didn't believe he was, I think I would be lost. But I am here, missing him sooo much, worrying about our daughter not getting to really know her Dad. She is so special, and it hurts terribly that he will not get to watch her grow up in this life, and that she won't get to experience first hand what a wonderful dad he would have been (if not a tad bit overprotective ).

I too, would be interested in hearing more about your experience of contentment.

Korina

[IMBlessed]

To all those who replied, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, CONCERN AND SHARING,

I would hope all of you could get this peace and contentment that I am feeling. Since my husband just died a few weeks ago, unexpectedly and fairly young, I wouldn't think it would be like this. We were together for 34 years and had a great relationship.

It's quite difficult to explain. I am feeling so grateful for my wonderful family and friends. I want to help everyone, I feel so giving...and I feel so blessed as to be a blessing to others. Giving brings such a feeling of comfort and sense of serenity.

I just pray I don't lose this feeling...

Shalom

[Babs11]

I am Blessed,

...I was praising you and you truly are blessed..to be able to have the moments of contentment...I admire that and it makes me happy to know even for One day..some Darkness is lifted from your life..I just don't understand why I can't get to that place..Many People are Spiritual..Have Faith..and Pray..I admire a Person who can take a Challenge (if that is what this is) or Tragedy and still make a better day for this World at least Their self and Share that..

...I have had some really "Strong Signs" from the "After Life" or Maybe My Husband..(and with all my Heart and Soul believe I will be with Him again)..so I would think this would make me feel some kind of contentment but I still can't find the Peace..that is what I mean by Spirituality..I thought if I pray harder..try to connect better I would get the enlightenment that I so desire...I don't even feel like it has been 7 mos..my Heart tells me so..but it still feels like maybe a month ago..Reading other blogs is very Inspiring..I love to hear Aomeone is having a Good Day or week because it does give me encouragement and it also helps to hear the different "steps" others are going through..My husbands death was totally unexpected..So this is like learning a New Language..Confusing..

Love and Peace, Babs.

[kath]

I was in a study group through my church last week and the topic this session is on prayer. We had to recall a time where we experienced God's blessings through prayer. I remember sitting in church at around ten months, sobbing, shattered, scared, lonely, confused and really did not know how I could get it together to get through the day. I prayed and prayed, wondering and asking God what He was thinking by taking my Bob from me. It made no sense. I looked up at the stations of the cross and became fixated on the image of Jesus falling under the weight of his burden. I imagined his pain and his agony. And I imagined his Father having to witness it all and not intercede for His son. I can't put into words the feeling of warmth and light that flooded me. It was like I had God's undivided attention and I realized that He did understand my broken heart. And I understood that I would not have to struggle through this alone. He would be there, if I let Him.

It is easy for me to forget that feeling. I get all wrapped up in the problems of the day. Yet, there have been those situations without explanation...a kindness, a lucky break, an unexpected pleasure...that have creeped in when I least expected them. There are no accidents. People are put in our path for a reason. They are the hands of God. I belonged to a Moms In Touch group around that same time and we'd get together weekly to pray for our kids, their schools and their teachers. I didn't know anyone at the time but joined to help my kids. Their transition has been nothing short of amazing. I totally believe it is the power of prayer. The funny thing was, when I was there, I felt so broken. It was a shock to hear that the other ladies admired my strength. They wondered how I could praise God for the beauty in nature and others while grieving. I don't know how I couldn't. There was so much that surrounded me during that time.

There is not one part of this journey that is easy. Grief is hard work. Prayer takes out many of the bumps for me. Whether you believe or not, there is no right or wrong. I lift each of you up in my prayers every day in the hope that you will all be blessed and held in His arms.

Love,

Kath

[IMBlessed]

To all,

I guess I needed confirmation that it was from God...I still can't believe it's happening to me. Why me and not others?

However, someone sent me some insight in yesterday's mail. I did not know this person, and they do not know I am asking these questions on this forum. And they gave me all the answers I was looking for...in the Bible.

I hope that what I write here will help just one person than all my time and effort will be well worth it. I had to look up all of these verses. And in short this is what I received:

Jesus is the "Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6). You can end your own separation from God by yielding your life to the Prince of Peace. Only then can you have perfect contentment in the midst of a crisis in this world (John 14:27)

Philippians 4:6-13 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. And this peace will control the way you think, act and feel.

Isaiah 32:17 The fruit of righteousness will be peace, quietness and confidence forever. Discovering His peace...the Bible instructs us to fix "our eyes on Jesus, who leads us and makes our faith complete" (Heb. 12:2). As we change our focus -- off of our problems and onto the Lord -- His peace will fill our lives. The peace of God does not come from our circumstances, but from drawing close to Him.

Jesus promised, Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4). God beckons us into His loving arms so He can heal our wounded hearts.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. God's Word on Peace..."Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. (Phil. 4:6,7). The Bible states, "Whatever happens, keep thanking God because of Jesus Christ. This is what God wants you to do" (1 Thes. 5:18). Begin to thank God right now and soon you will experience His peace in the midst of the storm.

No matter how deep your pain, God can help you find comfort and hope. As our Good Shepherd, He leads us safely through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:4b). Remember, a shadow indicates that there is a light on the other side!

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. The Holy Spirit also called the Comforter (John 14:26) can give us Gods peace, even in the midst of suffering. Some Psalms that can bring hope, strength and peace: Psalms 16, 23, 34, 91 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 Those Who Died in Christ...But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.

Therefore comfort one another with these words.

Shalom

[IMBlessed]

Here is my next big question: Someone told me this could be a form of denial. Could using my religion deepen my denial and if so do I have to grieve? What harm is there if I do not ever leave the denial stage???

Shalom

[Susie Q]

Dear IM Blessed

I hope to move someday to a sense that I am at peace with having had my husband in my life for nearly 40 years rather than feeling his complete physical absence from me every minute of every day. If you are functioning in the real world and finding the inner strength to do that through your religion then it's a good thing.

I know that the initial few weeks/months for me were a blur of pain and people coming and going. I got through what I had to and was a mess most of the time. Then just when I thought I was over the worst of it and feeling OK, a big crash occurred. I think that was when the protective mode that I had been in, started to wear off. I started to really understand the finality of this huge loss - I knew it, but I hadn't really been able to comprehend the full weight of 'forever gone'. I still shake my head in disbelief many times a day that this has happened to us even though I've been without him for 6 months.

It's important to stay positive but just be prepared for the possibility of a change in the way you are feeling. Most people on this site talk about the ups and downs of grief....Susie Q

[MartyT]

Dear IM Blessed ~ I think what SusieQ said is wise: "It's important to stay positive but just be prepared for the possibility of a change in the way you are feeling. Most people on this site talk about the ups and downs of grief."

None of us can know with any certainty exactly why you are reacting to this death of your husband the way that you are, since everyone's loss is unique to the individual who is experiencing it, and predicting the nature and course of any one person's grief journey is at best only an estimate of what to expect.

We can only share with you what we've learned about grief in general, and what we've come to know about our own individual loss experiences in particular.

There are several predictable patterns in the way that human beings normally show their grief over time ~ but we must be very careful to learn and respect the individual differences of grieving people that stem from personal styles of coping as well as from the person's age, gender, personality, family, culture, value system, spiritual beliefs, past experience with loss and available support. This is your unique grief journey, and this personal grief story is yours alone to write.

Since your loss is so recent (barely one month ago) it is entirely possible that, if you're like most people, it's not so much that you're "in the denial stage" as that you're still in that initial state of shock and numbness that ordinarily accompanies significant loss ~ it is nature's way of cushioning the blow. As SusieQ suggests, you are wise to be prepared for the possibility of a change in the way you are feeling. One thing we know for sure: grief changes over time, just as we change in the ways in which we react to it.

I am of the belief that the best way to be prepared for those changes is to learn as much as you can about the normal grief process, so you'll have some idea of what you can normally expect in the weeks and months ahead, along with learning what you can do to manage your own reactions. Reading the posts in these forums and interacting with the members of our GH family is one of the best ways to begin . . .

You may find this video featuring noted palliative care physician and author Dr. Ira Byock of interest: In the Face of Terminal Illness: Spiritual Strength or Weakness?

[Daughter2010]

What a blessing to be able to experience those feelings. I can't say I've experienced contentment, but there have been lots of moments of peace. It is hard to comprehend what is going on around us, trying to make sense of our loved ones' passing, but I do believe that by drawing close to God, He will comfort you in more ways than you know. I remember being at church a few weeks ago, feeling sadness in my heart for my dad not being with us,but when I was singing the hymns, a feeling of peace that surpasses all understanding came over me. God knows my pain, His son Jesus died on the cross for mankind, and Jesus understood grief too. When Lazarus died, he wept. It is true when someone said as we seek the Lord when open arms, He will comfort us. Leaving church that day with a sense of peace was God's way of letting me know,He was holding me in His arms. I was not alone, He had been carrying me through all of this.

All of this did not mean my grief went away, but rather that He was giving me the strength to go through the pain. I am human after all, but wanting to draw close to Him has helped me so much. That's my experience.

I hope all of us, little by little can adapt to our new, harsh reality, remembering that no one will ever take away the moments, memories and experiences lived with our loved ones. Carrying on does not mean forgetting, because we will make sure we keep those memories alive every single one of our days.

-L

[nats]

My wife left to be with the Lord 2/14/10 and I must say, I have had some of the same feelings

because she is at peace, and as I do give thanks for the time we had together it seems to

ease some of the intense pain and heartache.....

[IMBlessed]

Hi all,

If this is denial, and I am content with it, I do not want anything to change. I realize things may change. However if there is no harm, I will definitely pray to keep these feelings. What harm would there be if your stuck in denial? (I have studied the grieving process in college years ago, but do not know the answer.)

Shalom

[nats]

Sometimes denial may be good maybe if I had some my intense

loss would not be felt so much.

[Korina]

IMBlessed:

As mentioned before, you could possibly be experiencing denial or the initial shock, but finding peace in your beliefs. For me, I definitely went through a stage at the beginning where nature shielded me through numbness, and also had the focus of organizing things for his casket, and a memorial service three months later in Vancouver (I had him taken to his family's home to be buried). Throughout the whole process, I have had good days, bad days, good moments, bad moments - a true roller coaster of emotions. Thankfully, through this site, reading about grief, and talking to friends and family who have been there, while maybe being surprised by timing and intensity of the different aspects of my grief journey, I have not been particularly surprised by the journey in general. It is definitely wise to be aware of what people experience in general through their grief, and therefore, in a way, leaving you somewhat prepared for changes you may experience.

I am very happy for you that you are able to find grounding and a foundation for your love and grief through your faith.

Korina

[IMBlessed]

Dear IM Blessed ~ I think what SusieQ said is wise: "It's important to stay positive but just be prepared for the possibility of a change in the way you are feeling. Most people on this site talk about the ups and downs of grief."

None of us can know with any certainty exactly why you are reacting to this death of your husband the way that you are, since everyone's loss is unique to the individual who is experiencing it, and predicting the nature and course of any one person's grief journey is at best only an estimate of what to expect.

We can only share with you what we've learned about grief in general, and what we've come to know about our own individual loss experiences in particular.

There are several predictable patterns in the way that human beings normally show their grief over time ~ but we must be very careful to learn and respect the individual differences of grieving people that stem from personal styles of coping as well as from the person's age, gender, personality, family, culture, value system, spiritual beliefs, past experience with loss and available support. This is your unique grief journey, and this personal grief story is yours alone to write.

Since your loss is so recent (barely one month ago) it is entirely possible that, if you're like most people, it's not so much that you're "in the denial stage" as that you're still in that initial state of shock and numbness that ordinarily accompanies significant loss ~ it is nature's way of cushioning the blow. As SusieQ suggests, you are wise to be prepared for the possibility of a change in the way you are feeling. One thing we know for sure: grief changes over time, just as we change in the ways in which we react to it.

I am of the belief that the best way to be prepared for those changes is to learn as much as you can about the normal grief process, so you'll have some idea of what you can normally expect in the weeks and months ahead, along with learning what you can do to manage your own reactions. Reading the posts in these forums and interacting with the members of our GH family is one of the best ways to begin . . .

You may find this video featuring noted palliative care physician and author Dr. Ira Byock of interest: In the Face of Terminal Illness: Spiritual Strength or Weakness?

I just read a study that stated "Deborah Carr, Rutgers University sociologist, who began the study while she was at the University of Michigan, said: "Forty-six per cent of the widows and widowers in this study reported they had satisfying marriages.

"They believed life is fair and they accepted that death is part of life."

She added that many surviving spouses took great comfort in their memories.

"Taken together, these findings provide strong evidence that men and women who show this resilient pattern of grief are not emotionally distant or in denial, but are in fact well-adjusted individuals responding to the loss in a healthy way," Ms Carr said.

Shalom