Now What?

[LindaG]

Next week it will be five months since Joe has died. I have to say I gave myself six months to keep pretty much to myself and work thru some of this knowing that I would try to not do anything impulsive for at least one year. My family and friends have respected this and have not questioned me. I'm starting to feel the "Now Whats" coming from different directions and it makes me anxious. No one is pushing but people are becoming concerned that I am not planning anything. My entire life I have been a planner. I don't want to move on - I don't want to start over - I don't want to think about any of it. It feels right now like the next steps will take enormous energy and determination and I don't have either. Financially, I can't take more than a year or I'll have more to deal with.

I'm wondering how to begin to process for what has to come next. I don't know if I should be seeing a Psychologist in lieu of a counselor at this stage? If anyone can share ideas or experiences, I would appreciate the information.

Thank you.

- Linda G

[Susie Q]

Dear Linda G

I know what you mean about getting outside questions about your future. It isn't as easy as making a plan, is it?

It is six months since my husband died. I had the final five months of last year off work because I didn't see how I could function. I was walking and talking - probably coping according to the outside world - but still a complete mess inside. I felt the need to regroup from such a devasting blow.

I came to the conclusion over that time that I didn't have to 'get my life back together', find the 'new me' or 'make plans' to anybody's standard or timetable. The new me is just what they see on a daily basis, and sometimes it's good and other times I'm not feeling as strong. I can't turn my life back into what it was like before - and I don't want to make up a new one, so for now my life is just unfolding daily.

I'm in it but not planning, directing or shaping it, like I was before for us, because frankly I don't see any point just yet. I wouldn't know which way to head even if I had the energy or the inclination.

I can't imagine living in another home even though this one is big. He's with me here everywhere, so until I feel like I want to move, this will be where I'll stay. I can afford that option, but others may not be so lucky.

I made the decision to go back to work in January. It seemed like the right step at the time and didn't involve me doing anything new. You are right, you don't have the energy or drive to take on huge challenges when daily living is such an emotional effort. For me, work is OK, full of wonderful people, but it's coming home that gives me the heartache. I thought I was through that, but apparently not.

My 'plan' or goal is to try to regain some interest in or happiness from life. I'll do things as and when I need to and try to get back to some semblance of the positive, fun loving and fulfilled person I was, only a few months ago. At the moment I don't see that happening ever without him in my life, but then again I am bearing (with great difficulty) what I thought was going to be unbearable, so I feel there could be hope for me.

My advice would be to trust your inner voice and work on the parts of your life that are ocupying your thoughts the most. They are there for a reason. You have my deepest understandings and all my good wishes...Susie Q

[JamesI]

Dear LindaG:

I am so sorry for your loss. My mother died almost a year ago on March 20, 2009. I was her caregiver and loved her very much. It has been very difficult to deal with. I found this website early on and it has helped me a great deal. I then found a grief counselor shortly thereafter. The grief counselor has helped me also. I have also attended an 8 week bereavement group at a local church which also helped. I still attend a weekly bereavement group and a group of us meet at a restaurant afterwards for a snack and we talk about how things are going. It all helps.

In reference to your question, most of the grief counselors, which I have seen listed on my healthcare website, which is Aetna, are clinical social workers with Master Degrees and some are Clinical Psychologists with a PHD. Most of them specialize in grief counseling, as well as other services.

It would be up to you to select someone, check out their years of experience, meet with them and decide if you are comfortable with that particular person and determine if this person will be able to help you. After a few sessions, if you find that you feel better, continue, otherwise, select another counselor. Its up to you to select a male or female. Select someone in which you feel that you would be more comfortable with.

I was seeing a grief counselor (clincial social worker) for about 9 months and she did help me, however, her schedule changed and I needed to select a new counselor. I selected a clincial psychologist, this time, who also provides grief counseling. I start seeing her next week.

I have been fortunate to be able to talk with a few friends that have experienced the loss of a loved one and they understand the process. It has been and continues to be comforting to be able to talk with someone when you feel sad and emotional. Unfortunately, there are times when that someone is not always available and I am glad to say that having this website has also helped me a great deal . Sometimes, just reading the topics and posts are a help and when you do get responses from all the caring and considerate people on this website, well, that helps too.

Just know, that it does get better, but, it takes time and you will have your good days and bad days. Don't get discouraged. Be good to yourself. There is no timetable. Take it one day a time. Return to this website whenever you need to. We can all help each other.

I have also found comfort by reading alot of books on grieving. The most recent book, I read, which has helped me a great deal, is called:

Life after Loss: A Practical Guide by Bob Deits. You can find it at the library or bookstore and it is also available online at lifeafterlossonline.com

Try to get that book. It will help.

Be well.

take care,

James

Edited March 6, 2010 by MartyT
Links inserted

[Sharon3]

I want to say up front that I know for sure everyone deals with their grief differently. Everyone told me not to do anything for a year....but I didn't listen. I was the opposite. My house was making me crazy. The memories, the overwhelming responsibility. As well we were in the midst of building our dream cottage and it was half done and I didn't have a clue. Fortunately many friends pitched in and we got the cottage closed in and my son and I will start our plan to finish the inside soon. But I did sell my house. I bought a condo. The condo wasn't finished so I had to move in with my son and his family for two months so I actually moved twice and put my stuff in storage that I was taking. Then I had to take a lot out to our cottage because that was where a lot of it was going. When I look back it is kind of a fog. I had to deal with my husbands things much sooner than I was ready to because I was moving. There is no wrong or right. As awful as it was, I really thought it was the right thing for me. Do what you need to do to.

[Korina]

The theme about no right or wrong is correct, I believe. I have been doing things when it felt 'right'. However, there are the financial/paperwork things that I have been forced to deal with, which is probably a good thing, or I would just totally avoid all of it (I find this aspect very painful, though when a bit is done, a bit of a relief). One thing I have been avoiding is a financial matter. Though my parents plan to move out here, and we would like to buy something together, there is no set timetable. In the meantime, I cannot continue to afford the rent alone on our apt. The obvious solution is to take in a 'roommate' - likely a Japanese female student - to pick up the slack. However, this would mean cleaning up Scott's office, moving Kailyn in there - basically putting a bunch of stuff in storage. Finances are going to demand it, but OMG!, I do NOT want to change his office or put away any of his stuff. Ouch!

I am not sure if any of this has helped - I may be rambling a bit as I have found the last few days to be a bit rough.

Korina

[kayc]

Now what? Why does there have to be a "what", at least so soon. I have always been a planner too...and I feverishly threw myself into grieving and then trying to rebuild my life, when what I should have done was just live in the present and take each day as it comes and let time help me figure out who I am now. Be easy on yourself, you don't have to figure it all out just yet.

[annette85035]

You shouldn't set a TIME on your grieving Linda.

[Fredzgirl]

This has been a week of, "Now what?" for me too. Fred died in 7/8/09. It hasn't been a year yet and I have dabbled in dating. I have challenges with letting things happen and always want to make them happen. I want to know if I'll be alone for the rest of my life or if not, who will be sharing my life with me. I'm 59 years old and figure that I don't have a lot of time for waiting.

I've thought about moving into a smaller place but I'm not ready. Options are limited anyway with the housing market. I'm self employed and was only able to take off a couple of weeks when Fred died.

My short term dating relationship ended this week. My hopes for a connection to a long ago love sort of fizzled out this week. A relative died, bringing back memories of my own loss yesterday. All this peaked when I saw Fred's keys on the counter. As much as I try to go through the motions of normalcy, I'm not done grieving and suppose that I never will be.

So I'm with you ... Now what?

- Fredzgirl

[Rochel]

Dear Sweet Korina,

You are always so good with encouraging the rest of us...now it looks like you have issues at hand...I will pray for you to clean Scott's office..I know that this will be difficult to do with lots of memories and work to be done...It sounds like you are going to have to gather much energy to do this major task...I tried to get rid of Bob's desk...I even took a picture of it all ready for Craigslist and I came out of the ether and realized that it would have been a big mistake...This move sounds like it will help out financially which will alleviate some stress from your oh so responsible shoulders...hand in there my friend...Bless you...Rochel

[Korina]

Thank you so much, Rochel. My parents and brother are coming out tomorrow for a visit, so I will enlist some help from them. I can hardly wait till they get here. Guess I am lonelier than I thought, even with our darling little girl.

Korina