Sudden Death

[WeepingWillow]

I lost my husband Richard from a car accident in 2006. The fact that I never got to say goodbye haunts me to this day. We had been married 35 years.

[ipswitch]

I lost my husband Richard from a car accident in 2006. The fact that I never got to say goodbye haunts me to this day. We had been married 35 years.

My husband had been given a prognosis of two years to live. He died very suddenly five weeks later. I had been hoping to have a few more good experiences with him. I didn't get to say good bye, either. So sorry for your loss.

edited because I can spell, really.

[Korina]

I said goodbye, though not in those words, to my husband. However, I don't know if he heard me as he was not conscious and was on life support.

I will always be haunted by the fact that I never said anything meaningful to Scott before he lapsed and went onto life support. As it was, my husband was in an in-patient treatment centre for alcohol addiction. He had been admitted to the hospital with a low grade fever, and he looked good when I visited him on Sunday. I will always kick myself as to why I wasn't more concerned about his health at that time. Truth be told, I was fixated on ensuring he complete treatment, and didn't even consider that there was anything to worry about in regards to the fever - after all, he was being taken care of in the hospital.

I got a call Tuesday late (2 days after visiting him - note the inpatient treatment and the hospital were in a different city than our home) that he was in ICU and often the outcome was fatal. Just like that. I was with him the next morning as early as I could get there, and again, I didn't say anything beautiful or deep. I remember feeding him pears. That evening, I had to get a hotel, because my friend had to return home for a mammogram, and I had no one to look after Kailyn (and she was not allowed in ICU). The next morning around 6 or 7am I got a call to get to the hospital asap as he had taken a turn for the worse. My Baby never regained conciousness, and the next day we (by then, his sister and aunt made it from across the country) discontinued the respirator and medication. He died within about 30 seconds. I regret leaving the hospital that first evening. And the nurse had asked before I left if I wanted them to wake him before I left. I said no, as I didn't want to disturb him. All the woulda shoulda couldas. I don't think they will ever go away, but I sure hope the pain and regret fades a bit.

Bit of a long post, but I am really missing Scott a LOT tonight.

Korina

[Kat2005]

Hi!

I was with Pat when he passed. I don't remember alot during the days he was in Hospice. Everything happened so fast and he was on so much pain medication I don't know if he heard anything that was said to him. I was so concerned that his brothers had their alone time with him that I didn't have mine. I remember when the time was near my son and I were standing next to his bed along with one of his brothers and my sister. I didn't tell him goodbye but I did tell him it was alright for him to go. He wouldn't take his last breath until my son told him it was alright. I have regrets and like Korina the woulda, shoulda, couldas still weight heavy on me. If I would have done things differently would the outcome be different? I don't know. I just have to try and accept that this was God's plan. I am just having a difficult time accepting it.

Kat

[Susie Q]

Dear all

I was with my husband for most of the four days he was in hospital after a massive and sudden cerebral haemorrhage. I held him while our family and friends said goodbye in the final hours and then I held adults and children while they cried unconsolably.And I was with him for the 16 hours after they pronounced him brain dead until the time they came and took him to the operating theatre to become an organ donor. I watched them wheel him away as he just disappeared from my life for ever.

I don't think I 'said' anything to him on the last day but every ounce of my being was with him. He had my love, my care, my respect, my gratitude and my heart. He knew he had those things when he was alive and I believe he could feel them from me at the end.

If you showed your loved one how much you cared in life, and I know you did because you hurt so much now without them, you didn't need to say anything at the end. They just knew......That's what I believe, anyway.

I guarantee that if we could ask any one of them, they would say that they knew how much they were loved and nothing else mattered. I wish you some peace on this one....Susie Q

[Sharon3]

Susie Q your post made me cry...it was really beautiful and said everything I feel. As I have said before my husband died in his sleep while on vacation in Mexico...the sounds of him dying woke me up to the horror of my life. When I knew he was gone I kissed him, told him I loved him and that I was so sorry. I meant that I was sorry his life was over....and I left the room. It took 3 hours for them to come and take him away and I couldn't at the time find the strength to watch his body change in front of me but I have tremendous guilt that I left him there and then I had to leave him in Mexico and come home to be with my family. He came home 4 days later. I took the easy road "flight". there is fight, flight, or freeze and I chose flight. The one thing I hope he knows is how much I loved him and continue to love him. I met him when I was 16 and don't know how to live without him but I am trying. Thanks again for your post it was beautiful and to everyone on here I wish you peace and less pain. Sharon

[Dale&Sue]

Hi all: My partner of 20 years died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 500 miles away on a job site at the time it happened. I can certainly understand being haunted by that feeling that you never got to hold your loved one in your arms and say goodbye. I said two things when they came to work to tell me Dale was gone,. I was crying uncontrollably and kept saying over and over "I never got to hold him." "I never got to say goodbye." I think about that every day, and am so sorry that I wasn't there to comfort him.

I try to comfort myself with the thought that perhaps he actually did feel my presence, thought there were 500 miles between us when he died. I know I felt it happen, although I did not know what it was at the time. Dale died at 10:30 in the morning and I remember looking at the clock at 10:30 and being barely able to lift my feet, my body felt so heavy. It was the strangest experience I've ever had. Not long after, I got word that he'd died at 10:30 that morning. So, perhaps we did say goodbye over the miles.

WeepingWillow...maybe your Richard did feel your presence and I'm sure he certainly knew he was loved and cherished. I think that SusieQ is right..."I guarantee that if we could ask any one of them, they would say that they knew how much they were loved and nothing else mattered." Take Care. Susan.

[LindaG]

I got a call at home at 5:00pm on October 10th, 2009 to go to the hospital as my husband was enroute and had an accident of some kind at work. They urged me to go without explanation. I arrived before the ambulance as they were working on him. I was originally to pick him up at 6:00pm as we had dinner plans. The patient liason at the emergency room said a prayer with me so I knew it was horrible. They put me in a private room alone. The doctor on duty came in and asked me if I was alone. They had tried to revive Joe three times enroute to the hospital but his heart was gone. They asked if I wanted to be in the room for the last attempt. He was gone. I did not have a chance to say good-bye but given that the recount is that he just fell to the floor and was out immediately after a short seizure..it was quick for him...but everyday before we left the house we told one another that we loved one another so with that I take some comfort. There were no signs that heart failure was looming. He was fine when I dropped him off in the morning. So Joe, at age 39 was gone and pronounced at 6:10pm that evening. This is so difficult for all of us that remain. Constantly difficult. I think it is the most tragic event that anyone can endure. It takes more energy and resolve than I ever thought I had just to keep pushing forward. Pushing towards something that I don't understand without my husband.

-Linda G

[Frank G]

Pushing towards something that I don't understand without my husband.

-Linda G

That line puts it in a 'nutshell' for me Linda.I'm trying to do the same things I did before I lost her but they seem to have little meaning.

A friend who is now a paramedic (and often has to deal with family of terminal patients) but worked with us as a carpenter for many years came to visit me the other week and I think he explained grief very well.I asked him if you had to desensitise yourself and he said no.He said it's like when you learn to drive,it's all consuming at the begining and you have to think of everything you need to do in what order etc.but the more you drive the more things become easier and the all consuming feelings will slowly go away.

I hope my friends comments help in some way.

Frank G..

[Korina]

All of the accounts here are so deeply personal and heartbreaking. For me, sharing mine, though it brings me to tears with the reliving of such an emotional time, is also a release of the pain. For the day and a half that Scott was on life support, I spoke to him, told him to fight, had many people come in an speak to him, held the phone to his ear so others could encourage him (though I thought later, what if I put the phone to his bad ear - crap he wouldn't have heard them! ). And the nurses at one point positioned him so that I could lie down with him, and we laid Kailyn on his legs so we could all be together (at that point, there were no rules about letting her into ICU). I also told him that it was okay to go, and that I wanted him to save me a spot. I also said that I would really rather he didn't go - I still hoped... The nurses told me that hearing is supposed to be the last thing to go.

Kailyn was with us (held by one of our friends) when Scott died. I wanted to be able to tell her later that she was with her Daddy at the end.

I also take comfort in SusieQ's words.

By the way, a nice little thing happened to me today. One of Kailyn's toys talks when you touch it. Occasionally, it has gone off on its own. It did so today, for no apparent reason (it is in the playpen, and noone was around it). It started off with one of its little sayings. And then a few seconds later, another one its saying, "I LOOOVE YOU". It made me smile, and finally say, "I love you, too."

Korina

[kayc]

Weeping Willow,

I'm sorry you lost your husband...I didn't get to say goodbye to mine either (he died Father's Day 2005), he had a heart attack and we didn't know until that weekend he even had heart trouble! He was awaiting bypass surgery...I knew there was a possibility he might not make it through the surgery but it really hadn't occurred to me he wouldn't live to see the surgery...there were doctors, nurses, friends, family around the entire time he was in the hospital, we never got any alone time and they wouldn't let me stay in there when they tried to save him...it is a very haunting thing, esp. to not be able to be there for them when they're passing from this world to the next.

[cathybo]

Thank you for sharing. I too didn't get to say good bye to Greg. He died suddenly without warning and I so wish I could have felt his hug and shared a kiss one last time before he died. The night before he died I was heading to Florida to visit family. I couldn't get a cell phone signal and for some reason I started to panic and felt a ovewhelming need to speak with him before getting on the airplane. I walked all the way to the end of the terminal until I finally had a signal and we spoke. At this point I can't even recall our conversation, I just remember feeling an overwhelming sense of relief and was able to calm down and get on the airplane. I got the call that he had died while shopping with family members in Target. I just remember saying that it couldn't be true. Then I just wanted to get a plane out so I could be with him again so he didn't have to be alone in some cold place. He died about a month ago and at times it still doesn't feel real and then it feels so real and painful that it makes me physically sick. At times at work I just want to get in car and go home and get in bed and pull the covers over my head and make it all go away.

Cathy