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I Thought I Was Better


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Thanks to all who answered my post on lonliness, your kind words helped alot Now I have a new problem..

For three weeks I have been handling everything with a minimun of tears and heartbreak. This morning a letter from the bank came in his name which I had to deal with. That didn't seem to be too hard. On the way to the bank I stopped at the Hospice where he spent the last week of his life. From donations, the family was able to put up a leaf in behalf of his name. That was the beginning of the end for me. Since 2 P.M. I have been crying non stop, I don't think I cried this hard when he first passed( I told myself I was prepared). His birthday is on the 25th of April, our son-in-laws is on the 23rd. We used to always celebrate their birthdays together, The kids want to toast their father, I don't know if I will be able to handle that, but must because of the grandbabies.

I also hate the fact that all major decisions now fall on my shoulders. I need new shingles, who cares if they last 25 or 30 years and what kind of curve appeal they have to a buyer.Our last rain storm brought water into my bathroom downstairs, what do I do? My kids are trying to be here for me but can't make all my desicions for me.

I was so proud of myself that I was improving for the past three weeks, now I feel like I'm back to square one. Is this normal? I feel like I'm ready to go over the deep end at times. I need support, not only from family but from people who have, or are experiencing this.

Waiting to hear from you

Lainey

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Lainey I don't know if the sadness and loss ever goes away it has been 14months since I lost my Ben and this week the tears have been going I can't sleep I don't eat and your right sometimes its worse than when he 1st left,but atleast I have everyone here that understands what we are going thru..There is nothing wrong with you,you just need to get used to it just been you good luck I will remember you in my prayers tonight

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I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL...We were in the middle of building a cottage and now I am trying to get it finished and organize it and it makes me crazy. My husband was a carpenter and I want to make sure I keep the integrity of his plan but it is difficult. My son is helping me but ultimately I feel alone in these decisions. I actually sold my house and moved into a condo and for me it was the best thing I could have done because I did not want to deal with anything that could break or had to be replaced and I didn't like the memories in every corner of that house. I know it is not for everyone but although the path to the condo was difficult because I had to deal with things I did not want to deal with.....the ultimate place is good for me...now I just have to worry about the cottage. I know these decisions can bring you to your knees. I remember my worst day was 9 months almost to the day after my husband passed away. I couldn't get out of the pain. I called my son and somehow expressing it let some of it go....then I went shopping and tried to distract myself for a while. I do use anti anxiety medication but never during the day so I tried to push through it. Unfortunately you have to feel it and you have to express it............While I don't journal enough.......I know it works ...it is afterall a way of expressing it and getting it out there.

Continue to be proud of yourself, it takes extreme strength to push through the pain and allow yourself to show your vulnerability and feelings and to make a new path we didn't want..............I am thinking of you today and the pain you feel. Today is the 14 month anniversary of my husband Johnny's sudden passing.

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Oh yes, Lainey, it is very normal. Anything can set it off and trigger it. A memory, smell, sound, event, season, sight, anything at all. There will be many such things, many crying sessions, many times of feeling down and defeating, but eventually they will become fewer and more far in between...then it settles into a dull ache, but after more time yet, you learn to carry them inside of you where you can reach down inside yourself and pull out their memory for strength and a smile. It does take time, lots of time. But don't despair, you'll get there...I never would have believed I would.

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Lainey,

I too understand what you are going through. Just last night I posted saying how lonely I was and how much I missed Tim. I too thought I was doing ok and then for some unknown reason, came the tears and that all over numb feeling you get. I attend a grief support group and they all tell me this is normal and that you just have to take it one day at a time. I also get a lot of comfort coming to this site, because even though I do not know anyone personally, I can feel the love and friendship that everyone has for each other. Hang in there and continue to look for support from all these wonderful new friends. I pray each day for all of us to find comfort during this most difficult time.

Chris

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Lainey,

TIME is what I keep hearing is what it takes for us to get

thru this and ease the pain....I went to support group this week

and heard this from many attending, I myself at times feel the maybe

time is helping but I still have that horrible feeling of emptiness and

it's just been 9 or 10 weeks for me this Sunday since Ruth went to be with God,

I know how you feel and I pray for your strength and for all of us going thru

this.

Praying for evevryone greiving.....

NATS

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Lainey

I guess you were better - for a short time - because you had some control of the overwhelming feelings of despair, panic, and loss that we all still feel deeply. That's a good sign even though they came back with a vengeance.

I find that for me it's a constant battle of who's in charge. I've started to accept that there will be times when these feelings are just too strong and they will win. For many, many months they were the boss of me. What I can do now, eight months on, is pick the time that I'll give in to them. That's when I let myself have the really bad nights with lots of crying and usually no sleep, mostly followed by a day or two of peace.

I put my faith in Kay C, and others, who tell us that eventually the time between these bad spells gets longer. I am hanging out for that time too....Susie Q

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Time is what I keep hearing also...in time it will be better. I don't know...I seem to be stalled. I did do a few constructive things yesterday. My Michael had a lot of hats. Most of them from theatre productions that he was in. Top hat, straw boater, Sherlock Holms hat, Tevia hat, just all kinds, as well as his own favorites. I managed to pack them all in a clear plastic tote (really big one) yesterday. I kept out a few that were his favorites, including what we called his dork hat....a furry winter hat with ear flaps...we always laughed when he wore it, but it was so warm. I also kept out his Tevia hat, we were in "Fiddler" together as Tevia and Golda, so that hat means a lot to me. My heart hurts all the time, but for the last few days I cannot cry...I feel like I have cried so much they have dried up. I worked really hard yesterday cleaning, moving the doggie crate back into the bedroom (which was a challenge, it is really big for two corgi dogs to sleep in) I need their company at night. I am ready now to transfer his ashes to the red rock urn that I got from Arizona, I have his portrait that was painted by a friend hanging on the wall, and lots of our Arizona mementios on the bookcase below the picture. The urn is on the bookcase, and it is just sort of his little corner. He loved visiting Arizona, where my sister and best friend both live. I know I am rambling on here, but it helps to just have this place that I can know people will understand. I feel like there is a stone in my chest. Keeping busy helps, but you can't be busy all the time. I am grateful for this place where people understand what we are all going through. Praying for us all.

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Thanks to all who were kind enough to reply. The encouragement helps me to forge ahead, and knowing there are people out there that care is also helping . I just wish for everyone of us that are on this site that we didn't have to be, because if you are you've lost someone you love.

Some days the hurt is so bad I feel like I am drowning, then it gets better and I feel like I am able to cope again. I have talked to a councillor, not sure where that will go. Walking at the gym helps alot and writing letters to Lars also works .

Today is his b/day, I have a memory candle to light and the kids are coming to do some outside work that I'm not able to. Thoughts of selling the house are runing through my head. I'm not sure if it's because of how down I'm feeling or what, most people say not to make any major desicions for the first year.

The fact that summer is coming doesn't help, we were always puttering in the yard, I with my perennials and him with the trees, or he would sit on the patio and carve on one project or another. What am I going to do with all the half finished carvings?

Thanks again for being here.Hugs to everyone that needs one.

Lainey

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Dear Lainey,

I felt an incredible urgency to cmplete all my husband's projects. I built shelves, replaced light fixtures, repaired plumbing...Then a hail storm destroyed the siding and it paralyzed me. (The siding had just been replaced the year he died and this was our second claim in 2 years.) When a task seems impossible, take it in little bits. A lot of what we do is a leap of faith. I had to trust the builders and it scared the bejeebers outta me. I made a lot of lists...questions I was supposed to ask, things to do, etc. My mind could hardly keep track of the day of the week, let alone all this extra. Somehow, the work got done and we moved on. Each little thing gives us that bit of extra confidence. (Along with a lot of encouragement from the friends on this site.) Each major decision was done with my husband in mind. How would he handle it, who would he call, what would he ask? A roof is a job for the experts. Call them. Now, if you're feeling a little daring and want to change to a different color, you can make it a little more exciting than a needed repair:)

The reminders that are painful early on have for me become very comforting as time goes on. I think that's probably why we are told not to make any major decisions the first year. When you are ready, you'll know what to do with the carvings. Have you ever thought about carving yourself? How about contacting a local Boy Scout troop? Could they help you out and earn a merit badge in the process?

I feel like an old horse most days, just plodding along. I hope you keep plodding, too.

Kath

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  • 2 weeks later...

I hope you got through Lars' birthday. Scott's is coming up on May 31, and I know that it is going to be a very tough day for me. And your up and down feelings are completely normal, if my experience is any indication. I actually recall being afraid I was unfeeling and heartless, as there were a few days when I went to visit my family that I didn't cry. But that quickly changed. I think I am at Kay's dull ache stage, with abrupt emotional interruptions, but as noted by SusieQ, I can generally choose the time I give in to the emotional outbursts.

Take care,

Korina

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I'm experiencing the same thing. I've been great for the last couple weeks. Started a new job. (I now have three part-time jobs)

About 36 hours ago, I started the meltdown. I've kept it in check in public, or maybe I was distracted enough to keep the feelings at bay. Last night I installed anew faucet on the kitchen sink. I've never done that before, and I think that's what put me over the edge. Now, everything falls to me. I can hire help, but it really ought to, owing to my monetary situation, be things I don't have a snowball's chance of doing myself.

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