Another First

[Lainey]

I am a very private person most of the time,but today is a day that I can't share with my children. It is the first Angelversary that I am having, we were married 42 years ago today and the only people who can understand how I am feeling is the people on this site.

I had decided in order to honor our anniversary I was going to send two balloons to Heaven for him. I kept busy all morning, went walking ith a friend, had lunch with another friend and when I came home it was time to let them go. The desperate feeling I got as I watched them float away was almost as bad as when he passed. Am I normal to feel this?

I cannot stop crying, it is almost six months since he's been gone and I thought I was doing so well, but obviously that is not the case. I have also been dreaming of Lars every night for the past week (went off the sleeping pills).Someone said it means I am letting go...I don't want to yet. At least in the dreams he looks like he is not in pain. That is nice, as he suffered terribly for the last few months of his life.

Thank you for letting me vent. I do come to this site often and read many of the posts, and say a prayer for everyone every night.

Hugs to all

Lainey

[kath]

Dear Lainey,

It's a horrible way to spend your anniversary, ain't it? You are completely normal. In fact I just had this conversation with a dear friend on this site. I always think I am doing so well at letting go, but all I want to do is hang on tight. She said she woke up in the middle of the night and wrote down: "letting go is letting him in. Unclenching the strangle hold I had, and knowing that no matter what happens in my life, Joe is firmly lodged in my heart and head."

Kudos to you for getting through a really tough day. You are definitely not alone.

Love,

Kath

[Korina]

Lainey:

Those days when, after thinking you are doing pretty well, you just lose it? Been there done that several times. And there is no way I want to 'let go'. I find those 2 words in this context offensive. I far prefer to think of it as Kath has said - our soulmate will always be part of us. But it is now our job to find a way to live in this world without their physical presence.

All the best through your anniversary.

Korina

[kayc]

No matter what happens in life, George is my soulmate. He wasn't just someone I was married to, we clicked from the very beginning, we could relate and always had faith in each other. He was the breath in the wind, the sun in the Spring, and there's no way I could get through his birthday or death day or our anniversary without thinking of him and missing him. It's coming up five years this month since he died and the 14th is his birthday, the 19th his death day. Since he died on Father's Day, I have that as a remembrance as well, and unfortunately, I always seem to spend it alone because my kids spend it with their dad, understandably.

Don't be hard on yourself for having a hard time on those days...just accept that it's hard and do whatever you can to make it better for yourself, just like you did, releasing balloons, spending time with a friend. Know there are those here who understand.

[ipswitch]

Peace to you all.

Today would have been Jeff's 60th birthday.

[Kat2005]

Lainey,

I know too well the ups and downs of this journey. I thought I was doing so good lately then "BAM" I went into this downward spiral. I am having a really tough time this time. Tomorrow is a year that I brought Pat to the hospital and he never came home. I have cried all day. It just hurts so much. He will always be a part of me and I will never "let go" of what we had. Your right Korina we just have to find a way to live without their physical presences. It is just so damn hard sometimes. I am just so glad I have found all of you. You have truly helped me get through some rough days.

I will keep all of you in my prayers.

Take care, Kat

[closs86]

HI

Today would have been Johnny's 61st birthday, and we spent the day at my son's house, the whole family, he made Johnnys favorite dinner, and we had the grandkids write notes to him and attached them to the balloons, and went outside, wished him happy birthday told him how much we loved him and let the balloons go, the kids stood in awe watching the balloons go to heaven, then they dissapeared into the clouds and they said that grandpa pulled them up and was reading the notes, very very emotional day, then my daughter in law made a cake, and the kids sang happy birthday and blew out the candles, I think of last year we had a wonderful celebration for his 60th birthday, I just don't know what happened. I have a lot of built up stress in my body from this weekend, I hope it lets up a little. It is so hard, and so sad, it is great that we have this place, at least we all understand each other.

Take care everyone

god bless

Karen

[Frank G]

Tomorrow (15th) my June would have been 67.I used to hate walking around the shops trying to find a birthday present for her because she didn't really need anything and it used to drive me insane but I would have given anything to have had to do it today.

All take care.

Frank...

[Lainey]

This weekend is another tough one coming up. How to handle Father's Day!

Karen, I like the idea of the grandchildren sending up balloons with notes on them. I sent some up for our angelversary in June and it sent me into a complete tail spin for a few days. The pain was as bad as if I was letting go the first time. I don't know if I want my babies to experience that. Mine are 13 and 10 years old, how old are your g/babies and how did they react? Our son was a Father's day baby. so it might be a bit hard for him, we quite often celebrated the two together since the whole family would be together.

Wouldn't be nice if we had a hand book that told us what to do on these "firsts".

Someone told me that if I am finding the first year hard, the second year is worse. I am at the six month mark and feel I am doing quite well handling things. I would prefer to not digress. Any thoughts on this or am I worrying needlessly.

Hugs to all,

Lainey

[MartyT]

Hi Lainey,

I just saw this post on Facebook, and I'm hoping one or more of the featured articles may "speak" to you:

Father's Day Without Dad - Hello Grief eNewsletter featuring articles about Father's Day without Dad - including a widow's perspective, daughters' stories, and a look at faith and spirituality in the face of loss.

You'll find lots of other helpful articles listed on the Coping with Holidays page of my Grief Healing Web site . . .

[closs86]

Hi Lainey,

It was a very tough day for all of us, but our grandchildren were happy to write notes to grandpa, then we went outside and told him how much we loved him, said happy birthday and the 5 of us let go at the same time, the kids were in awe of the balloons going to heaven to grandpa, they just stood there and watched them disapear, and said that grandpa took them out of the sky so he could read the notes, my heart was broken and I cried and cried, but I think it gave the kids some comfort that he could see their notes. My grandchildren are 11, 9, 8, and 7. Today I was very drained from the whole weekend, it wasen't easy, I miss him more and more every day, I lost him on April 6, I am not happy to hear that the pain is going to get worse, I don't know if I can physically stand it.

Hugs

Karen

[Korina]

None of this journey is easy, but how could losing your soulmate be easy? I found that realizing it was going to be tough in a way has prepared me for the journey. You will be able to survive, you will find the strength, and your husband will be proud of you!

Korina

[Lainey]

Thanks to all who responded to my post.

Karen, the grandchildren talked about sending up balloons like you did, everyone has agreed that even though it will be hard, they want Grampa to know that they are thinking of him. Thanks again for the wonderful idea.

Korina, I know that I am able to keep going,and that Lars is watching my progress and is proud of me. All our loved ones are watching us, proud of everyone for all of our accomplishments.

Marty, thanks so much for sending the links to those articles. They were good to read.

Hopefully we will all be able to enjoy the weekend to a degree,just think, for many us it will be another "first" that will behind us.

Hugs to all,

Lainey

[closs86]

Hi Lainey

It was beautiful the balloons, and very hard,I hope that you find some comfort in doing it. I had some family visit today from Md, I enjoyed the company, but I feel alone now, I pray that we have a decent weekend with fathers day and all, I have no plans for sunday, I don't know if that is good or bad.

Take care

Karen