Hate Nightime!

[Nick]

What does anyone do to help with the lonely time of night? Keeping busy is good but the silence is horrible. I want so badly to see him for him to come to me at night but he has not come. I never want to forget how can I find happiness when he doesn't get that chance to be happy again. I know he died but in a lot of ways so did I so sad, but true!

Leesa

[Billw]

Hi Leesa, I had one of those nights last night. I got home from work and everything kinda came apart. I called a friend, made dinner and ate, pretended to watch TV, and then tried to go to bed. I ended up back here after not being able to sleep. I am still trying to adjust to all of this and not doing so well a lot of the time. My wife and I did a lot of biking, hiking and outdoor types of things, so tonight I loaded up my bike and went for a ride. Being outside moving seems to help a little. When I got back home I came straight here to check in, it seems to pass some time and help me feel not so alone. I miss the way my wife smiled at me every time I walked into a room, it absolutely melted my heart when ever I saw it. I will never forget the happiness my wife brought to me, we truly loved one another and lived a life second to none. I will always be grateful for that but for now I am lost without her.I hope we find some joy in our lives and I hope our spouses are at peace. May they stay close in our hearts. Take care and stay close to this site when you feel alone. It will take some of the sting out of the quiet nights.

BW

[Korina]

I watch mindless tv (in the beginning, the only way I could fall asleep was to the drone of tv). In the early days, I also had a routine, which for me included visiting this forum, writing a letter to Scott, reading some of my grief passages from one of my books, and sometimes reading a novel. These worked for me. Basically keeping my mind working till it was too tired to stay awake, though I needed some of the things to be activities dealing with my grief. In other words, I didn't try and completely block it (grief) out with activity.

Take care,

Korina

[Deb H.]

Hi, I am new to this forum. My name is Deb, I watched my fiancee , age 47, take his last breath on the morning of April 21, 2010 while holding him in my arms at a home. My night times are the worst for me, too. I cry alot and although I journal and have a grief counselor thru Hospice of the Valley, I am breaking inside. I feel as though I died that day too. He battled tongue cancer for 18 long months and was the most courageous man I have ever met. We were engaged and going to be married on June 7, 2010 in the forest. I feel so sad, alone, numb and broken now.

Deb

[nats]

Leesa,

Yes, nights are rough so much for me I'm just getting back in the bed, I've been sleeping on the sofa where Ruth was before I took her to ER before she joined God the next morning 2/14/10, so on the advise of another grieving spouse I changed the bedroom, comforter, shams, rearranged the dresser and made it my room, I have pictures of us on the dresser and a new lamp and all her clothes, shoes and such are gone(from sight)...well I spent half the night there last night and it's OK I slept until I rolled over for her and woke, sat up realized she wasn't here and returned to the sofa, I'll keep trying as I know I must conquer this....but even on the sofa I sleep with the TV on we did when she was here so that's normal...it will get better just take a day at a time, and if you have to an hour at a time, put yourself and feelings first...I'll be praying for you that God may grant you some comfort....and as Bill said keep coming here and we will all work on this life changing loss together....

NATS

[nats]

Hi Deb,

I feel your loss and pray God will grant you some comfort as well, I know you must feel so sad you will not get to complete your plans, June 17th would have been Ruth and mines first anniversary and I'm sad she will not be with me in the physical sense to celebrate it, but I will celebrate somehow as that was the happiest day if her life with me....we had lived together for like 6 years and we just were in no rush to marry, we knew our love for each other and so did God, I do regret postponing it now...but my new motto is "I refused to be held hostage by grief" so I will find a positive in every negative just to conquer this pain....

May God Bless

NATS

[Nick]

Hi Deb,

I'm so sorry to hear about your fiancee. I wish I could have been with my husband Charles the day he passed away. I didn't even get to see him that day. He just left to go work out then off to work I never got to say goodbye or to comfort him in his time of need! For me the regrets are hard I need to remember to be kind to myself. He knew I loved him and he loved me that is what I need to keep telling myself. Like you we had a ton of plans and things were going to get better. If this is God's plan then I want a new one! I see you live in AZ where about?

Take care,

Leesa

[Nick]

Leesa,

Yes, nights are rough so much for me I'm just getting back in the bed, I've been sleeping on the sofa where Ruth was before I took her to ER before she joined God the next morning 2/14/10, so on the advise of another grieving spouse I changed the bedroom, comforter, shams, rearranged the dresser and made it my room, I have pictures of us on the dresser and a new lamp and all her clothes, shoes and such are gone(from sight)...well I spent half the night there last night and it's OK I slept until I rolled over for her and woke, sat up realized she wasn't here and returned to the sofa, I'll keep trying as I know I must conquer this....but even on the sofa I sleep with the TV on we did when she was here so that's normal...it will get better just take a day at a time, and if you have to an hour at a time, put yourself and feelings first...I'll be praying for you that God may grant you some comfort....and as Bill said keep coming here and we will all work on this life changing loss together....

NATS

Hi Nats,

I just moved and I think that has made things harder for me. It forced me to put all his clothes in the garage. Many nights I would lay in his closet and smell his shirts over and over again. I still have many of his thiings around the new home. I also carry his wallet with me in my purse everday. To me these things are not strange but comforting it's going to take a long time. Go at your pace there is no rush to get rid of things or change things if you don't feel the time is right.

Leesa

[mlg]

I think most of us have the no sleep disorder and lonely night syndrome. I used to look around the top of the room where the ceiling meets the wall between 9 and 10 every night and just bawl. I too would put the TV on timer and would finally fall asleep. Two of my friends from grief support and I went to FL shortly after the first anniv. and I did find when people were there with me I could go to sleep without the TV so now I do have nights when I can just go to bed like an ordinary person. Well, kind of; I still sleep sideways in the bed so I can be partially on his side of the bed.

You just have to take everything a minute at a time and gradually increase. When you have a set back, you go back to the minute. Don't be hard on yourself. You are exactly where you should be. Take care of yourself and keep coming back here.

[Deb H.]

Leesa,

I'm so sorry about your husband...I do feel blessed that I was able to say good-bye..the doctors told Don and I we had about 3 months...he went sooner as pneumonia set in and took him four days later. Its only been 41 days now and I think I am a bit in shock to tell you the truth. Don and I lived in Buckeye, but I was forced to move out of Don's house by his mother 4 days upon his death, so i live in the East Valley close to Chandler, Az. My adult children are in the East Valley.

[Deb H.]

Thank you NATS ! That is great advice, to remember that even tho Don and I were not married on paper, we knew we loved each other very much. I hope I get to the place you are at soon with not along grief to hold me hostage. Right now, and since it's only been 41 days, I feel a bit numb still.

[Kat2005]

Like you, I found the nights and weekends the hardest in the very beginning. I couldn't stand the quiet either. It will be a year on the 23rd of this month and it has gotten easier. Don't get me wrong, I still have those nights where I sit and just think what could have been and wanting my old life back. I do find alot of comfort from my journaling. I have also been doing alot of reading. I have been reading alot of books that have been written my hospice nurses. I find them very comforting and it explains alot of what I was seeing with my husband when he was in the hospital and then later in the hospice facility. It brings me comfort to know that he is not alone. I do believe that family members were there waiting for him and he will be waiting for me when it is my time to join him.

You need to remember to be kind to yourself. I would like to share two quotes that I have on my desk at work. They really help me and maybe you will find some comfort from them.

"Life Isn't About Waiting For The Storm To Pass, It's About Learning How To Dance In The Rain". ....... author unknown

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache;

instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get

home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The

grieving process for me is not so much the matter of getting rid

of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain." .... Bill Dunn

Take care, Kat

[kayc]

I don't know, I'm at five years and I still hate sleeping alone in the bed so I'm still on the recliner. Sometimes I snuggle with my dog on the bed but he only lays there a few minutes so I prefer the recliner.

I've tried keeping busy to get tired, falling asleep watching tv, you name it, wish I knew the answer.

[Sharon3]

Yes nighttime is the worst.........I too never went to our bed....I slept on the couch then I changed all the bedding, that still didn't work so I changed the room around...and finally went to bed after many, many months. My husband died in bed..not ours but while we were on vacation in Mexico and I think the bed has horrible triggers for me. I too watch mindless tv and eat junk food while I am doing it...I still find it hard to escape into a book, even though I loved reading. I still take an anti anxiety pill at night because it is the only way for me to get thru it . I have started making a dvd for my son for father's day. I have gone through all the photos of them and scanning them and picking music and I think it is making me crazy but I know I will end up with a memory for my son that I know he will love. It seems I always need a project in memory of my husband. When I made a book for my little granddaughter for Xmas ...I said to everyone I wonder what my next project will be and I found it. I pray for all of us ...I find strength in all of you.

[kayc]

Sharon,

It's funny you should mention that, I have been an avid reader all my life, reading myself to sleep, always loved to read, it was relaxing. Ever since George died, I can't read, can't focus, can't concentrate on anything in depth enough to get into a book. I can read newspaper articles but nothing more. I personally think grief is such a shock to the brain that it damages the brain, namely, our ability to focus, and our memory. My mind is not as keen as it was before.

[nats]

Well I just recently returned to bed after 4 months on the sofa slept the whole night there last night I was suprised, I had been working my self back a little at a time and since I changed all the decor it feels like my room and I have some comfort....but I still cry some nights as I miss her very much....I always make sure I'm real sleepy before trying to sleep so I dont lay there thinking....I pray you can find some comfort in your nights somehow....

NATS