Eight Weeks In Hell

[redwind30]

On April 24 I lost my soul-mate, my Knight, my Hero, my everything...my Precious husband. We were only married for 11 years. He had just turned 56, I am 50. Much too young to have to go through this.

On March 26 my husband was diagnoised with stage 3 lung cancer. He immediately started chemo and radiation. He ended up in the ER on April 20 due to complications from IBS. On April 22 he was moved to the ICU and I lost him on the morning of April 24. Everything was such a whirlwind, we did not even have enough time to adjust to the idea of having lung cancer. We were both ready to fight it. And even though we never spoke of it I think we both knew we did not have long...maybe a couple of years or at the very least until Christmas. We did not talk about it because neither of us wanted to be negative. We were trying so hard to have faith and believe that God would Heal him. We were watching one enemy and got overcome by another.

Everyday has been a nightmare. We do not have any children and my brother and is family is over 500 miles away, but it might as well be 5000 because he really does not seem to care very much.

I scream, I cry, I feel so empty. It does not matter where I go or what I do, I miss him. I feel like I am an empty shell. I have been trying to sort through his things, which is a nightmare. But, I feel like the longer I wait the harder it will be for me.

I don’t want to do anything but cry. He was not able to work due to the IBS so every morning when I left for work he was here, everyday when I got home from work he was here. We never go to do very much because of the IBS and osteoarthritis but, we were together more than most couples.

I am tired of people telling me that “God has a purpose in everything” , “Time will heal” “At least he is not suffering any more”.

This pain that I feel is incredible. I feel as if I am shattered. I miss him so much I can’t stand it.

Thanks for listening!

[LarrysGirl]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. My Larry lost his battle the day before his 50th birthday, as you say, way to young. Right now all you can do is try to survive. Take care of yourself, physically eat and rest. The emotions you have are the grief and you need to feel them, as painful and upsetting as it is. It seemed for me the when I needed the support the most, everyone disappeared. This site was my greatest source of understanding and support. I'm glad you posted and hope it will help you to hear from others who are also grieving the loss of their spouse. Take it slow, don't rush to sort thru things, it will all come with time. Deborah

[nats]

Redwind30,

I feel your heart ache and pain as my wife joined the Lord on 2/14/10, I'm sorry for your loss....we here have felt all that you are feeling and will fill in the days to come, we welcome you here as part of our family, this site has been very helpful in my grieving process and adapting to life without our spouses or partners, you will find many caring people here so we can all help each other....

first thing you need to remember is you come first now, take care of yourself as this journey we are on takes alot of energy, eat and rest when you can or your body allows it, also remember our loved ones would be sad by seeing us sad so focus on Happy memories, and put your trust in God more than ever, I know it's hard but God needed him in heaven more than here so that's why he's gone, same with my Ruth when I focus on things such as that the pain eases...so my prayers are with you and visit often I think you will find some comfort....

God Bless

NATS

[Mrs. B]

Redwind30,

First let metell you how very sorry I am that you lost your partner. My common lawspouse died suddenly (51) when i was away seeing my first grandchild. I'm so glad you found this site, it has been agodsend for me and others here, we're like a family, helping each other out with encouragement, advice, listening, just knowing there's someone else out there who understands. Some people just don't understand and don't know what to say. That is why the awkward remarks. I think it is healthier for us to just let it go and get out of there while we can, or openly admit our discomfort or cryin front of them! Then maybe they'll get that this is REALLY painful. It'sa little over a year for me and it still hurts big time and I still have people asking stupid questions like so do you have a new man in your life, Don't feel you have to rush to do anything. Take all the time you need before you do anything. You will know yourself when it will feel right. Please keep posting, there are a lot of people here going through it and it helps to go through it together. We're all here for you and you can express yourself to us. (((hugs))) Mrs.B

[closs86]

Hi Redwind,

I am so sorry for your loss, we all understand here, as Nats said, I lost my husband on April 6, suddenly also, never got a chance to prepare, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and 3 weeks he was gone, so I understand not getting a chance to prepare. It is horrible, and lonely, and scary, and sad. I don't know the emotions are like a roller coaster, every day is different, I am also angry alot, I wasn't in the beginning but now I seem to be angry more, and I hate that feeling, no patience, short tempered, I just hate it. Johnny and I were never apart for 44 years, except when I had my 2 children, so I am really lost, I didn't drive, he did all the driving, so now I have to start after not driving for at least 12 years, so many things have changed, I wish that I would have gone with him or before him, but that didn't happen, so now what?, all i can say is one minute at a time, even if that seems like a lot, that is all we can do.

Take care of yourself, try to eat and hopefully sleep

Karen

[Billw]

Hi Redwind, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I am sorry that we all had to find this site but I am glad it is here for us. There are truly some kind people here who are all hurting and just looking for some relief. I hate the word cancer, it makes me sick. My wife passed in April and we thought she would have at least another year so I totally understand your comments about not wanting to be negative when talking. It was brutal to watch, she was a true fighter and did not want to stop but she had no choice at the end. This woman completed my life and left a huge empty spot on the earth for all who knew her. I struggle daily to keep moving but I know that is what she wants me to do. I got tired of hearing about her being in a better place and all the other comments that go along with that one, but like the others said these people have nothing else to say....what can you say to someone that just had their whole world ripped out from under them. Stick close to those who help you feel better and take care. We are all here for one another. God Bless.

BW

[Korina]

Rewind30:

As has already been said, all you can do at this point is try to eat and take care of your basic needs; basically, put one foot in front of the other. Don't force things that you don't have to, and take your time with going through his clothes - you will know in your heart when it is time. It is a year today, and I haven't yet.

I hope you find the comfort in this site that I have.

Korina

[redwind30]

Thanks so much for making me feel so welcome. It is good to know that I now I have people who truly understand what I am going through. I think people try to understand, but it is impossible.

As if the grief isn’t more than enough I find just dealing with daily life is an extreme stretch now. I have had problems with health insurance messing things up. I notified the health insurance company of his passing and coverage was suppose to end May 1 ( I have a copy of the form that was completed) However, when someone keyed it in they keyed it in as APRIL 1. (I lost him on April 24) which means all of those HUGE ICU claims are now being denied. The agent has assured me it was just a “typo” and everything will be fine. And I am sure it will be fine, but just one more thing with which to deal.

In addition I have had problems with credit card companies, my vacuum cleaner broke, my sprinkler system needed to be repaired, wasps got into the walls of my house and now I am going to have to buy a new refrigerator. All of these things are a big deal in and of themselves. But, if he were here it would be SO much easier.

I can’t think clearly because of all of the grief and emptiness I am experiencing, so it is hard to trust myself to make a good decision about ANYTHING. Well, enough for now. Again, thanks for listening.

[kayc]

Redwind30,

I'm so sorry you lost your husband, and yes that's much too young...my husband had just turned 51 when he died unexpectedly of a heart attack. I'm lad you got your 11 years together...we knew each other 6 1/2 years but were only married 3 years 8 months. In the end, those are the years you most remember.

I think we all hate the platitudes, esp. from people who haven't been through it and haven't a clue what we're going through and feeling. In time we learn to dismiss them as well meaning and not pay a lot of heed to it, but it can sure get to you esp. in the beginning when everything is so fresh and raw. I think we've made some posts about platitudes or well meaning things people say...and vented.

I'm glad you found this site, it has been my life line these last few years. Welcome here!

[nats]

Rewind30,

I can relate to your insurance issues I had my share as well, it's enought to deal with our loss then throw in a couple of everyday issues and now we are really feeling out of control and lost, my cell went out over the weekend and I had a panic attack thinking how would I recover all the contacts and phone numbers, but today, I went and got a replacement and they were able to transfer to new phone, I'll write them all down now...take your time when possible making those decisions and maybe consult with a friend or family member, I have some major decisions to make but I've been postponing until I can think straight about some, others I take head on and I find it makes me stronger....we all love to listen and share as it is an amazing healing tool, here we all can express ourselves and know the people truely understand what we feel in our minds and hearts, so take it day by day and easy does it and you will do fine and know you are in my prayers for comfort...

NATS

[Queeniemary]

Redwind 30

I am so very sorry for your loss. This is a wonderful site, and we all here understand your shock and grief. I lost my husband of almost 20 years on January 13, 2010 of a massive coronary. I was in the hospital having had a total knee replacement 2 days before. He was home alone. No warning, he had not been having any symptoms. I had talked to him on the phone just hours before he died, and he complained of nothing.

We none of us wanted to join this club, but I am grateful, so very grateful, for the support of this site. We can say things here that we might hesitate to say to anyone else....because we know others here understand.

Praying for all of us in the club we did not want to join.

Queeniemary

[closs86]

Hi Redwind,

Do you have anyone that you can ask to help you out when you have to make decisions or get something done,?, They keep telling me we have to reach out and ask for help, and people will help us, they are just waiting for us to ask. Wasps in your walls? oh my goodness, I am petrified of bees, did they come and take care of that? I hope so. Our whole life has changed, it is hard to make big decisions alone.

Take care of yourself

God Bless

Karen