My Husband's Funeral Was Today

[Jennalee]

My husband was killed instantly one week ago today in a motorcycle accident. He was 29. We had no children. His funeral was today. He was Indian, so his body is being sent back to India for their traditional cremation ceremonies. Ever since he died I've been staying at my parents house. Tonight is my first night back in my huge, empty house alone. The walls are practically echoing. Usually at this time he would be watching a movie while I'd be on the computer right in the next room. Only tonight there is no movie playing. It's so friggin empty in here and I'm so very alone. I thought I was doing okay, but tonight is really rough. My poor dog probably doesn't know what's going on just that I keep sobbing in his fur. I'm sorry for babbling. This is my first post here. I'm just lost and scared and lonely. I thought I could make it through this but now I'm not so sure.

[Ron B.]

Jennalee - I lost my Mom. Like you, I stayed with other family at first. Then when I went home, alone, my grief just crushed me. Somehow I got through those first weeks. Cried every day, had anger, and much despair. But I survived. So will you. Just take things one day at a time. Get all the support from family, friends, (and pets!) that you can. Find activities that help you cope. I did journaling and bike-riding. Many of us find grief counselors and/or mental health professionals to guide us through this difficult time. This forum is quite supportive; all of us are going through similar kinds of grief. Just talking about it helps a lot. Glad you found us. - Ron B.

[nats]

Jennalee,

Hello Jennalee I know and feel your pain and loss, my wife has been gone 6 almost 7 months now, the first few weeks are going to be rough so take it one day at a time at your pace, (I still take it a day at a time), your dog knows so let it comfort you I don't know what I would do without my 2, they have provided unconditional love and support for me and Ruth loved them so much....we welcome you to the forum, you can find great comfort and many answers here, there are a great group of people going down the same road you are our roads are just in different places...

May God Be With You

NATS

[Cheryl]

HI Jennalee,

My husband was also killed in a motorcycle accident. It's been one year. I want you to know that there is hope and relief. It is a journey that changes every day and often several times a day. There have been times that I have prayed for life to end but with patience and hard, hard work the grief work starts to heal you. You will need to structure your life with people that you can depend on, people that will listen to your pain over and over again. This site will help bring you strength and validate that you are not alone. I also found that a grief support group helps tremendously. We meet every other tuesday and it forces me out of the house. I also feel that sharing our tears and hugs carries us through the next two weeks. You can find groups through your local hospice and hospitals.

Jennalee this will be the hardest chapter of your life thus far. But I think that most people grow stronger as they grieve. After one year I still cry every single day. But I can now except that he is really gone and I'm ready to begin rebuilding. It is very difficult to face and even harder to begin. Baby steps.

Please be patient with yourself and reach out to every resource available. Don't try to run away or hide from your pain. Embrace it.

We are all hear with you. Love Cheryl

[Jennalee]

Thanks to everyone for your support. It's wonderful to find a group of people who truly understand. Today my sister and brother-in-law stopped by and I unloaded a bunch of Ajay's clothes to my BIL. Him and Ajay are different builds but they wore the same size. Ajay was such a diva. He had more clothes than any woman I know. It was kind of healing in a way to give the stuff to my BIL. I was sure to sort through it and save anything that was special to me. There are still a ton of clothes left but every little bit helps. It's kind of a relief not to see the closet stuffed with his clothes as if he's coming back any minute.

I'm sure it's going to be hard to see my BIL wearing his clothes at first, but I'm finding it's easier in the long run for me to let myself feel that little stab of pain, deal with the emotion, then let it go and I'm a lot more desensitized. I couldn't even look at his photos til about five days after the accident, but I finally had to make myself do it for the funeral home. It was really hard at first, but the more I looked at them the less I felt the pain, and now I can look at them and even smile at a lot of the memories.

The hardest part is knowing I'm just at the very beginning of my grief. It's so fresh! I still find myself thinking, "Oh yeah, I need to tell Ajay this" or "Ajay will think this is hilarious." Then it hits me that he's not here anymore. This whole situation is just not fair. I went to church with my sister this morning and literally sobbed quietly through the majority of the sermon. But I'm still glad I went. Going to church and crying through the service was much better than sitting at home staring at the wall.

I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to start dealing with some of the bills and stuff and figuring out the finances. With the life insurance, I'll be fine but that check won't come for probably another 6 - 12 weeks so I just have to make sure none of the utilities and stuff get shut off in the meantime. Everything came out of Ajay's checking account. We had one joint and two single accounts and for some reason, all the bills came out of his single account. I'm so frustrated that this is happening. I've never been good with finances. I have family to help me but I still feel so very alone.

[Jennalee]

Cheryl, how old was your husband? I don't know if I can deal with this for a year. I don't know how you are doing it. A year is such a long time. My future seems so incredibly bleak. I know you can't rush the process but the thought of hurting so bad for a year makes me not want to go on at all.

[kayc]

Jennalee,

29...that is the age of my son-in-law, that is so young. I am so sorry. My brother in law just had a motorcycle accident, he lost his foot, and we didn't know at first if he'd live or die. My son still rides so it scares me now.

I am so glad you have your dog, they are immeasurable comfort. Is there any way you can travel to India for the burial? What you are going through is normal and to be expected. Please keep coming here, there are a lot of people here who understand, have been through it. I don't think there's anything that can prepare you for losing your spouse, it's the hardest thing in the world, but you've survived one week, and the other days will follow, one at a time. Try to stay in the present and not worry about the future, time enough for the future to take care of itself, you have enough to handle with just today. I hope you have family and friends with you that you can call and talk to and will be there for you, it helps.

Kay

[Cheryl]

My husband was 49 and I am 45. I felt just like you. A year of gief and crying? Everyone is different though. You won't be able to put a timeline on the process nor can you turn it of and on like a light switch. As the pain diminishes, grief rears it's ugly head when you least expect it.

I say I still cry every day, but they are different tears now. For many months it was extreme pain and agony, disbelief that he could really be gone. Angry tears that other women had their husbands and didn't even like them! Now I cry because I just miss him and I'm sad that I have to go on without him. Sad for what could have been.

There is hope and excitement that I will survive and I will be happy again. In the begining I found that I couldn't look too far into the future becaue all my plans had been ruined and the wife I saw myself as died when he died. I found it easier to focus on what had to be done and then resting. Baby steps.

I think everyone who comes to this site will tell you that we are all a lot alike, each of us are on a journey and can draw strength for the things we read but we will all be faced with diffrent challenges and some of us are weaker, while others are stronger.

Everytime a new person writes there first words on this site my heart breaks for them. I am so sad for you and I wish I could make it better.

Big Hugs! Cheryl

[Queeniemary]

Jennalee, what a wonderful profile picture. I am so sorry for your loss. I know yesterday was so hard for you, and it will continue to be hard. Just know that the people on here understand what you are going through, and you can rant and rave, scream and cry to us, and we understand. We have all done some of that. Your husband was so young, and that is so sad. My husband was 62, and I am 64, but we were looking forward to traveling in retirement, and now all our plans have to be revised. Just know that I am praying for you, and for the strength and peace that you need to get through this horrible time.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Jennalee]

Sometimes I feel like I'm the unluckiest person in the world for losing him so young, but then I realize we were only together a total of five years. That was more then enough for me to fall head over heels for him, but at the same time, it's not like I've lost my partner of 20 or 30 years. On the other hand, I deeply grieve for the years we're not going to have. All of us are just suffering so much. I wish there was a way to ease all of our pain right now, but I guess we have to walk through the tunnel to get to the sunshine.

[Marion Claire]

Jennalee I don't think there's a difference in age when it comes to grieving. You had such a short time together and that is so sad. I on the otherhand lost my partner of nearly 56 years. I don't remember life without him. Old or young here we are all hurting the worse possible. Hugh hugs...

[MZM]

Jennalee, i can only imagine how you feel, yet i do have a strong idea as to how you feel.I lost my boyfriend who i getting engaged to in December in a car accident...This happened on 25 July 2010. In the same acident i lost my bro in law to be, our friend and my boyfriend's 30 year old uncle. My boyfriend was turning 26 in November, but our lives were just cut short. I feel lost and alone, I dont know how to understand this. I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS GONE! and im dying inside...the memories, like urs, are what kills me... watching movies, which we did almost every night together...

WHat are we going to do?? I am indian too (South African Indian - 5 generations down so born here) He was muslim, so women wernt allowed at the cemetry for the burial...No closure, but cant find the strength to visit my bf in his grave

[MZM]

I totally hear you about this: "The hardest part is knowing I'm just at the very beginning of my grief. It's so fresh!" and that you realise hes gone... I can relate to this...its only been just over a month for me....when will it get better, when will i get out of the house and when will I smile again...

I dream about him every night and then lose him everyday:(

[Jennalee]

MZM, I'm so very sorry you too are suffering. My husband was Hindu so there were no rules I had to follow during the US funeral. One of the hardest things for me though is that his body has now been flown back to India for the traditional cremation ceremonies there. All I have of him now is his kada (traditional Indian bracelet for those unfamiliar.) I mean, I have his clothes and stuff but he wore his kada ALL THE TIME. It's extremely special to me.

I don't think you are grieving any less just because you weren't married yet. I do feel fortunate to have been able to marry Ajay and at least have nearly two years of married life with him. Still, in many ways you and I are in the same boat cause we're both grieving for futures we'll never have. I've asked myself a thousand times if I would take back meeting him if I'd known this was coming. I honestly don't know. The pain is so great I'm barely making it. I know the saying is, "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all," but I'm beginning to wonder about that.

[Lainey]

Dear Jenna, I am so sorry that you lost your husband at such a young age. Life seems so unfair when these things happen.

You said you weren't sure if loving someone was worth it. Even though you were married for only two years you probably have many wonderful memories to help you through these rough times ahead. I was married for 43 years and am so grateful for the time we had, but even if had been less time, I would still be thankful.

Regardless of age or time spent together, we all have had our futures changed because of death. We planned on travelling when I retired, now any travel will be done solo or with a friend.

My heart goes out to you knowing that your husband's body has been sent home to India, will you get any of the ashes? Lars' ashes are on the dresser where I can see and talk to him whenever. Sound morbid?? That is what got me through some of my worst moments.

You are still so new to this, the pain is raw, the crying and loneliness never ends. It really does get better, for some quicker than others. I found talking to a couple of close friends and my family(children) and coming to this site was what helped me. Hopefully you find something that will help you.

Hugs to you,

Lainey

[MZM]

I only saw these replies today...guess I just missed them...

Jennalee, im sure you treasure his kada the most. I treasure zubeirs favourite jersey the most.. I do feel in many ways we are in the same boat. "What if we had gotten that future with them...". "What if, we had kids..." Still, I cant imagine how it must feel for those who spent 10 or 20 years with their partner and lost them...or whether either way it just sucks!!

Yes, you're lucky that you got to be his wife, Im sure you have some really great memories. I know what your answer wouldve been about whether you would still have chosen to meet him had you known...and I think it wouldve been a yes.

It is better to have loved and lost...Im all the better because I was loved by him...and im sure you are too hun.

Oh dear...this is so hard...as i sit here writing, my hearts breaking knowing that we're writing in the past tense:(