Having A Hard Day

[Billw]

I woke up early and went through my normal routine, went out for a nice bike ride, and came home to rest for the day. I can usually feel it (huge empty feeling) coming on and today was no exception. I came in to check my emails and I have been watching some posts on here and it hit me like a freight train again, I still can't believe she is gone some days, I wander through the house looking for something to hold on to or make me feel better. I hate the thought of being without her for one more minute. I have stuck with my therapy, I force myself to go out and socialize,work, and exorcise. I have some pretty quality connections with her as I have mentioned before but some days this is just clouded with the overwhelming grief. I know I can get back to a good place again but it is just not happening quick enough today. Thank God for this site and the people on here, I know I am not alone and things will change.....Thanks for listening...BW

[Cris]

Bill, Im new to this site. I lost my husband 3 years ago and I still can have those days! I like you try to stay as busy as possible. But It still doesnt take away the lonliness and that empty feeling. You are lucky to have found this site so early! I didnt know something like this was here. I found this by accident a couple weeks ago. I couldnt believe how much it hit home. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thats all we can do ! Keep posting. The people here seem very caring and understanding. None of us choose this club it chose us! Take care and God Bless! Cris

[Billw]

Hi Cris, thanks for being here today. Sorry about your husband, wow three years just confirms the healing time theories. I'm glad you found this site too, although I am sorry any of us have to be here. I have been doing o.k. for the most part the past month or so but some days are just more of a challenge. It is amazing to me sometimes how crippling grief can be, I can go from a totally productive, somewhat content feeling to being paralyzed with grief in just minutes. I have made significant progress from where I started and I am grateful for that but nothing could have prepared me for the emptiness and just flat out sadness that I feel some days, I miss my wife so bad my heart aches. The only thing positive that I get from the ache is that it was the first time in my life I ever truly used my heart to love someone. God bless us all thanks again. BW

[Nick]

Hi Bill,

We all have days like this I know I understand. Some days I can do a ton of work and am so organized other days it's hard to get one thing off the to do list. In the end it all balances out and for the most part function pretty well on most days. Please be easy on yourself this two shall pass it comes and goes, but it's important to allow yourself to have these feelings. It's part of the healing process. It just means we loved so deeply! Hoping your night is better.

[nats]

Bill,

It's been a while since we chatted...it must be something in the air or time of year, I had a rough day as well today, for the most part I keep in touch and I'm finding the new me...Ruth is so present some days it's unbelievable...I think I have a connection somewhat like yours, but other days I'm just lost and completely overwhelmed with grief waves....spending time with my new friend has been a God send, we have a bucket list we are doing together we have completed 2 things already...well wanted to say hello and I know your wave will pass like mine does and you will be feeling better....may God bless

NATS

[Deb625]

Hi Bill, I am still waiting for the ache to lessen and the crying and sobbing to subside, heading on 4 months now. I too force myself to go out and try my best but am still just so exhausted as sleep is just plain difficult i.e. I haven't woken up rested in 4 months now. The worst is going out (work, errands or socially) then opening that door to come home and realizing I'm alone. It is just not fair. I still can't reconcile this is real. I can't reconcile why my Michael died. I still can't believe he would ever leave me in such pain and I just miss every part of being a "we" and hate this new life forced upon me. I so just want to wake up and feel "normal" to be "me" again. There is now also a recognition that knows that girl pre May 16th, doesn't exist anymore - she has fundamentally changed.

I have improved, my grief isn't as over-powering as it was those first days, weeks - but it all still hurts. From what I've learned thus far is that we just have to be gentle, let ourselves feel and recognize that there will be triggers and waves of emotions for many days, months, years to come - happy and sad and be grateful that we gave and received love. I know people around me that can't relate to my grief and I think it is simply that they also have never got to share a love like I had and no it wasn't perfect, but I've always felt Michael was the love of my life, he my best friend, my lover, my support - I liked him, I loved him and I know he felt the same. The end of us was/is just tragic and I miss him so... I have days like today(weekends are always the worst), when the tears don't stop and I just have to try to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day... Take care, Deb

[Billw]

Hi NATS, it has been a while, glad to hear about your good news with your lung and I'm happy to hear things are going well with you and you friend. I have had a heck of a time today and over the past few weekends in general. I know I am going to have to just trust in my Higher Power and feel the feelings and I will get through this. I have felt so grateful at times to have the connection with my wife it is overwhelming, at the same time the grief just blindsides me from time to time. I want to feel better and I am willing to do whatever I have to to get there. Thanks for being there, take care....BW

[Billw]

Thanks Deb, I am really working on the social thing and trying when possible to extend my hand to those around me in pain but some days this thing really gets a hold of me. You hit the nail on the head when you talked about hating this new life that was forced upon us. I have seriously tried to think that I will wake up and this whole thing is a horrible dream, as cliche as that sounds I have grasped at every straw possible. Sometimes I really can't believe all of this actually happened. I have worked hard at counseling and the therapist says I have made huge progress from where I was and I know this is true but it just doesn't feel good and I have no idea what normal even would look or feel like anymore. Thanks for checking in, have a good night.....BW

[Korina]

Bill:

All I can say is one moment I will be moving along fairly productively and happy in my new normal, and then, "Whamo!!!" for lack of a better word. I am knocked off my figurative feet and the grief just literally washes over me again and again. Luckily, if I am at work, I am able to eventually focus on the work at hand, and if I am at home, Kailyn makes me smile (it is interesting, because she is now old enough to realize something is wrong or different when I cry, and looks at me very strangely; before she would either just giggle or be on her way).

Korina

[melina]

Bill,

I've been having those hard days off and on - mostly on - as you can tell from my posts. I don't know how long you've been alone now. For me it's nearly a month and a half, and it seems now as though I'll have one day that's not too bad, then the next will be a little worse and the third will be hell. I cry a little on the "good" days and sob myself into a frenzy on the bad ones. I'm hoping the "good" days will eventually outnumber the bad ones. That loneliness is really excruiciating - like a large hole in my gut and a lump in my throat.

I'm still not at the point where I can socialize - so good for you on that point. You've made progress, however painful. I've had my grown sons plus a daughter-in-law here for a month, then I was down to three sons, then two, and now there's just my 19-year old and me at home. Every time one of them leaves to go off and study, I've collapsed. I know I'll have to socialize at some point, see some people, but it feels meaningless.

I'm off to see the grief counselor again. I hate the location - at the hospital where my husband died. But it helps for a little while to sit and cry and talk.

Hope you have a better day today.

Melina

[Billw]

Thanks Melina, I lost my wife at the end of April. We were very close, when she was diagnosed we knew it was not good and that this could happen. I thought about it quite a bit over the past year and a half that she was alive and thought to myself, I don't know what I would do without her, well here I am and I am lost a lot of the time without a doubt. The weekends have been beating me up pretty bad for some reason this month, we traveled and shared a lot of fun activities. This is the time of year when it finally starts to cool off enough to get out and do a lot of the things we enjoyed together, maybe that is part of my increased sadness all of the sudden. I don't know anything and that keeps me analyzing every move I make when I know deep down that I am just going to have to feel all of this and get through it like everyone else, I wish there was a shortcut but I know when I take one there is something that I missed along the way and I don't want to have to go back anymore than absolutely necessary when it comes to walking through this. I will recover and I am willing to take the time, it just does not feel good as we all know. Thanks for checking back Melina, take care and have a good day. BW

[MZM]

Bill, its so sweet that you write on here and trust me, she can hear you...well thats what i believe, that Zubeir hears me and sees what I write...

I know exactly how you feel, you can see that bad day coming the minute you wake up. No matter what you do, its inevitable that you're going to suffer that day. Grief can just take over and before you know it, you're reading old emails, looking at pics, holding their clothes....and just cant get through that pain.

The only thing that I know is that once I sleep that night, tomorrow could possibly be a better day? I used to tell this to zubeir whenever he had a hard day at work. Yet he hardly ever had a day of downtime, being the happy-go-lucky person that he was... I too am glad we all are here as a support to each other...keep writing Bill, it helps me

[Cheryl]

Bill, I think one of the hardest things for me to except since Mark died is that I don't seem to be able to control grief. Now that the pain is not all consuming it's the sadness and sorrow that hits me full force and seems to knock me down for hours or sometimes days.

Never, ever did I think it would be possible for me to be this sad person. I feel so nieve that people all around the world, since the begining of time, have been suffering like me and yet I was so unaware. I miss my haappy self and that is what keeps pushing me along. I will be that person again but wiser and more sensitive and less judgemental.

I feel my husband by my side very often. He encourages me and tells me to slow down and stop pushing so hard. He holds my hand and misses me too.

[sunstreet]

Dear Bill,

I understand your pain and I am sorry you/I/all of us have to experience it. It will be 7 years this December 25 that I lost my love. Good for you for sticking with therapy and forcing yourself to be engaged in life. For me now that good place you speak of happens for me for longer periods of time than before. I hope that this will be your experience as well. Such a painful journey Bill, you are not alone and we all understand.

Carol Ann..aka..Sunstreet

[kayc]

Bill,

I hope today is going better for you than yesterday. You have been such an inspiration to so many of us, I wish there was something we could do for you in return1

Kay

[Billw]

Thank you all for writing today, I got up and put one foot in front of the other this morning and headed out to face the day. Something is definitely a little off the last few days, I am still trying to analyze too much. I know I will make it through but it is really attacking me at the oddest times and places lately. Just now at the dentist office for instance, it's getting hard at times to hold back the tears in public. I miss her so bad right now it's all I think of all day and night, I feel like I have moved back a few steps at times but I know there is no forward or back right now, I am either moving or stopped in my tracks. I was going to say you all don't know how much your kindness and caring mean to me but I know better than that. Thank God for this place, while I am sorry for everyone who is here I'm sure glad to have your support on these tough days. God bless each and every one of us, thanks again everybody.....BW