Did This Man Live?

[kayc]

It's been 5 1/2 years for me. I have his birth certificate, his marriage and divorce papers, his death certificate. I have his belongings, some of his clothes. I have memories of him, things he bought me, things he wrote to me. But did he live? It all seems so surreal, I wonder, did I imagine it? It seems so distant, a man that loved me, that loved holidays and all seasons, that had so much personality, so much presence...but was it real? Do you ever wonder that you imagined it? After all, I don't see any other men out here like him, not even close! It makes me wonder that I imagined it so long ago. Do any of you other old-timers ever feel this way? I ask myself, did he really live here with me, did he really share this bed, sit on this loveseat, vacuum this floor, eat at this table? Did he really mow this lawn, use these tools, wear this vest? Did we really buy this truck together? Or have I lost it? It seems so long since he was my partner, so long I've been winging it alone, so long since I was truly happy...am I losing it or did he really live? How can they just be a memory???

[Perkins808]

Hi Kayc

I know that I only have 3 months under my belt so that won't qualify me as an "oldtimer"....but I certainly feel the same way. Jeff was always my dream come true. I was 35 years old when he came into my life - and he was like no man I had ever known. Caring, thoughtful....a true gentleman who treated me like a princess everyday. I told him on a daily basis that I could not have created a better man - he was everything I had ever wanted, and so many things that I didn't even know I wanted.

So now I find myself wondering the same thing - if I didn't have the physical reminders of him, the pictures, his clothes, the jewelry he had given me....I too would think that he had just been this wonderful fantasy that only existed in my dreams.

Losing my husband was my biggest fear. Now that that fear has been realized my new biggest fear is losing my memories of him. I don't ever want them to fade because it's really all I have left of him.

I sometimes pass his picture and wonder out loud - how can you possibly be gone??

Tammy

[kayc]

Tammy,

You will never lose your memory of him (barring Alzheimer's). I got rid of my letters from George because I didn't want to die and have my kids read them (they were just meant for my eyes) and my little sister said she never could have done that. I told her it'd be too hard for me to sit down and reread them, way too painful, and it's not like I forgot them anyway, they are etched in my mind, I will never forget them. I had two 5" notebooks full. I did keep his cards to me. But I have never forgotten a thing he said to me, our songs, our love, it's just it all seems like a dream now. I waited for him all my life and didn't meet him until I was 46 years old, and we only knew each other 6 1/2 years, were only married 3 years and 8 months. That seems such a short time to have together for soulmates thru all time...we had that inscribed on our wedding bands. No one has ever loved me like he did and I know no one ever will. People used to stare at us because our love was so evident, in our eyes, in how we treated each other, in every word or deed. I knew other women envied me. And now I'm left with a memory...

[MartyT]

Dear ones,

Our loved ones don't leave life until we stop thinking about them. If they are loved and remembered, they will live on forever in the hearts of those who love them. But you knew that already, didn't you? ♥

They are not dead

who live in lives they leave behind.

In those whom they have blessed,

they live a life again,

and shall live through the years eternal life,

and shall grow each day more beautiful,

as time declares their good,

forgets the rest,

and proves their immortality.

~ Hugh Robert Orr

[nirac]

I would not be considered an oldtimer I guess since I am only five months in, but I feel the same exact way. I wear his shirts and remember when he use to, it seems so long ago. I think about how we use to watch a show and can't believe he is not watching it with me. Some days I will be driving and just think is this real? oh my god he really isnt coming back! how can this be?

[MZM]

KayC, i know exactly how you feel... Its like those memories are just ours now...not memories with them, but just ours.

Also, its like they were here once, doing things like watching movies with us, eating with us, and now they're not. The way I feel is like that was a different life - its so strange, and my whole world has just changed. What proof of that life do we have?

I still cant believe hes gone....how is it possible that that person in all my photo albums is just gone...

In years to come, I can see me saying the same things you're saying "did he exist?" because its like a part of your life that feels like a past life, because that person is no longer here and all we're left with is our own memories...

So very strange...

[Kat2005]

It has been 16 months for me and I really thought something was wrong with me. Since we worked together, I constantly think about him at work and when I get home I constantly think about the life we had there. Just the other night, I told him in my journal that I am so afraid of forgetting. I know that is not possible but it is just a fear of that I have. It is like I am obsessed. I can't stop thinking about him when I am alone. I try to keep busy but no matter what you are doing there is always that empty house waiting. That is when my mind starts thinking about the old times and the life that will never be. It is just so hard to understand why this has happened. I know this is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life.

Kat

[Chrissie]

It will be 9 months for me this Sunday but I also have those feelings. I look at his picture and wonder how I could of had so many wonderful years with this man and now he is gone. Was something this good in my life real? We also met later in life and I just knew from the moment I saw him he would be my soulmate. We were together all the time. We worked a part time job together and were volunteer EMT's and firefighter's for our local fire department. When I retired we wanted to full time it in our RV, but when he got sick we knew that probably would not happern. I know that as long as I hold him in my heart he will never be gone, but I will have to wait to once again feel the touch of his hand, his arms around me and his kiss. I know we will be together one day, but until then I miss him so very much!!

Chris

[LarrysGirl]

Oh Kayc, I'm feeling alot like you these days. My 5 yr. mark is in two weeks and disbelief stays with me still. I hold on so tightly to my memories and his possessions trying to survive this grief. There will never be another George, I know that. Love to you, Deborah

[marsha]

Kay - Yes, George lived. Yes, he did all these things. You want to know something? In the 2 years I've been on this forum, and in all the past posts I've read, I feel like I know him, through you. That's how personally, from the heart, you've described him. A good friend (cancer survivor) said to me a long time ago, you know what? We all live, and we all die. Some, very few, will make an impact that's felt to the world. But we, in our lives, make such an impact on those we love and those who love us, and that won't ever leave. So, my dear Kay, George has made an impact even on those who never knew him - through you. Hugs, Marsha

[wmjsca]

Yes, He lived, just as my Clint lived. Did he really hold me during the night as no other had? Yes, he cradled me like a baby and I slept so soundly. I miss his kindness and gentle nature and the swagger in his walk. I miss how he never really complained, even when he had to have been in pain over the last few months. How each day was an adventure for him and how he made me realize there's something good in every day we're alive. I miss him. I miss his outlook on life and how his demeanor seemed to keep me calm. Here I go again....will these tears ever stop?

[Korina]

I wondered if I was the only one who felt like this. Life just seems to carry on, doesn't it? One moment, I feel almost indifferent. Were the last 20 years a figment of my imagination? But then some trigger, maybe not that same hour or day, hits me head on and it seems like yesterday.

Glad I am not the only one....

Korina

[rain]

"Losing my husband was my biggest fear. Now that that fear has been realized my new biggest fear is losing my memories of him. I don't ever want them to fade because it's really all I have left of him.

I sometimes pass his picture and wonder out loud - how can you possibly be gone??"

Funny, I walk by and ask his pictures the same thing, using exactly those words. "How can you possibly be gone?"

It seems so inconceivable, even now, after 3 months. I too fear losing my memories of him ~ I adore, I need his pictures around me, but they are, after all, one-dimensional. I fear losing the feel, the smell, the touch of him. The warmth of his body as well as his smile. The way his eyes twinkled when he was gently teasing, the way he cocked his head & cupped his chin when he was deep in thought...

But maybe I am just yearning for the reality of him, the physical presence of a man who is gone forever. Foolish woman.

Anyway, in my reading here, I think it very interesting that so many who grieve use precisely the same words and images to convey their sense of loss and confusion. It is what makes the site at once comforting and melancholy.

As Korina said, it's nice to know we're not alone.

[sunstreet]

It will be 7 years for me on December 25 this year. What I can share is that I do not fear loosing my memories of Melissa for I know that she is a part of who I am in the world, how I am in the world, and how I will be in the future. The love we shared was real and oh so precious and will forever comfort me. Melissa, continues to be a part of my life, even in death. My love for her grows ever strong with each new day. I choose never to say "goodbye" only "hello". Melissa lives in my soul and my heart, and not even her death will cause our love to fade away. I find I am triggered daily to memories of Melissa, that used to bring piercing pain, and now bring a smile, and comfort. I know there was a time when I went to great lengths to "forget" for fear of not surviving the pain of the reality of her death. Our sginificant others live on through our journey's of grief and healing.

Blessings, Carol Ann