My Darling Man Is Gone

[Dimcl]

Hello. I find it odd that I'm here at all, but feel the need to talk to people who have been or are going through the same things I am.

My husband of 33 years died less than a week ago and I'm devastated, but feel like I'm in some kind of "Twilight Zone". Sometimes I think I'm handling it as well as can be expected and others, I feel like I'm falling apart.

My husband and I had a "May/December" relationship. He was 22 years older than I, but it worked so well. We had no children together (both our choice), so we were a team of two. We were so compatible, it was spooky. He had always looked 10 years younger than his chronological age and was never sick a day in our life together. About a year ago, he started losing weight but, being a typical man, refused to go to the doctor. By the time my nagging and foot-stamping got him there, it was too late. He had surgery for bowel cancer, but that's not what took him. He survived the surgery and we were talking about getting him home from hospital in a day or two when he died in his sleep from heart failure. I only wish I'd been there...

I guess I should be grateful that he did go that way because if he had come home, the next steps would have been blood transfusions and drug therapy to keep him alive for a paltry few months. I'm glad he didn't have any more suffering but he'd never had a heart problem in his life so death by heart failure was such a shock. He just didn't have enough reserves of strength and his heart gave out.

I guess I just joined this site to be able to talk about my darling man. We don't have a lot of friends in the town we live in and although friends and family have been great on the phone, it's not the same as having someone to chat with over coffee or whatever.

I guess my husbands death is too recent for me to help anyone else with their grief. I just wanted to say that I'm only beginning to understand what some of you are going through and, as time goes by, I'm sure this will be quite the learning experience. Because of our age difference, I always knew this day would come but Glenn always said he'd live to be 95 and he was such a determined, strong man, that I actually started to believe him. Unfortunately, he turned 79 on the day of his surgery and only lived another 6 days. One of the rare things he was wrong about...

[wmjsca]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Like you, I'm recent, too. I just lost my fiance on 10/22..two weeks and two days ago. His death was a shock, too. He started losing weight, went to the hospital two months before he died and they found NOTHING. He went in for a biopsy and within four days he was gone. He had a rare T-Cell Lymphoma....basically a blood cancer. No one knew. I stayed with him...didn't expect him to die. Thought he was coming back home....I'm still in shock....numb...I can relate....

You are wrong about not being able to help. We all help each other, here. I was welcomed with open arms and have been here ever since. Keep posting. We're in this together.....

[LostmyHoney]

but feel like I'm in some kind of "Twilight Zone".

It has been 9 weeks and 3 days for me and I still feel this way. I sat down to pay the rent and it seems as though I just did it a week ago. On the bright side a welcome realization is when payday sneaks up on me. I too have no friends that I can sit and talk to and visit with, unless you include my lil makeshift family of stuffed animals. I talk with my Honey too and I feel him with me at time. He was sick when I met him, so I knew I would be the one to come out of the relationship alone. Much of the time though I don't feel alone, I can not see him, but I know he is there.

Im sorry you had to join us on this jorney of grief, and I wish you peace.

Rachel

[Dimcl]

Thank you for your replies. I guess I'm finding out that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to get through this. I just am so confused. For an hour or two, I'll feel "normal" and then some tiny thing will flip me over the edge. I'm not much of a cryer, so haven't put my head down and bawled yet. I think I'm afraid that if I start, I'll never stop.

I'm trying to keep busy with the paperwork required when something like this happens and I've found more chores to do around the house than I ever knew existed. Spent an hour today rolling coins, of all things! Talk about desperate...

Thank you for your kindness. I'm not sure whether being here will help, but it sure can't hurt, right?

[Korina]

Oh, boy, those first weeks definitely felt like the twilight zone! It is good that you have found this site, because one thing that helped me immensely, and still does, is being able to talk about Scott without fear of making people uncomfortable, whether it be here or in person. So talk and post away!

Korina

[sunstreet]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand your pain. It is safe here. I hope you find your experience here helpful and healing as I have. You have made the first step. I acknowledge your courage in making that first step of posting here.

My loss is not recent, it will be 7 years December 25 this year. I remember that feeling of being in the "Twilight Zone" It is a very frightening place to be. I moved through the "Twilight Zone"

You are wrong about thinking you can not help. You have helped already, just by reaching out. Keep coming back, we all understand.

Courage and Blessings,

Carol Ann

[abergsma]

Sorry for your loss.

You have indeed taken the first step by joining this website!

It has been very helpful to me. My loss was 8 wks ago tomorrow. You can go on the site anytime day or night with your questions, concerns or just for reading others discussions. You will definitely find some comfort as I have.

Take care and hugs

Allana

[Lindakay]

Dimcl,

You're about my age and my husband of 33 years died two years ago. He was only two years older than me. We had no children and moved away from family to be in our dream vacation area of NC. All my family is down in Fla. Strange days indeed. You'll cycle. Just know they can sometimes send a message. You'll see others experiences in that. No loonies in our group. Grief is strange. Affects everyone differently. Nothing is wrong however you feel. LindaKay

[nats]

Dimcl,

I feel your loss, sadness, and confusion, my wife joined God 2/14/10 almost nine months now and at times the emptiness and disbelief she's not here still hits me like a ton of bricks....you have found a safe zone as sunstreet said, we all are taking a journey none of us wanted to take but hearing, reading, and sharing our grief indeed helps....you will find many helpful people here some have years of experience on this journey some are new, regardless everyone has something to share and gain...I relate my first weeks as a huge fog feeling as if it was an out of body happening with me looking in but I soon discovered just how real it was....take your time at your pace, try to eat and rest when you can, and for the tears let them flow if need be as that is our body's way of allowing us to deal, process and heal from our feelings....I often wondered just how many tears a body can produce because I have cried so much it's unbelieveable at times, but I always feel better afterwards....I have said a special prayer for you today and hope you may find some comfort in the days to come, but trust me it will get better in the days to come just give yourself space and time....also focusing on the positive life, love and happiness you shared will allow you heal faster than the negetive energy of the sadness, find a happy medium in the both and things will start to even out.....

MAY GOD BE WITH YOU

NATS

[karebare725]

How devastating. I am so sorry for your loss. I can sympathize with you. Its been 3 weeks and 2 days for me. My husband also died of heart failure, which was unrelated to why he was sick in the first place. When they told me, I couldnt believe it. He was only 33. I am still in the twilight zone, and numb as well. This board has been a great help, and very supportive. Its a great place to post and venting you need to do

[kayc]

I'm sorry you had such an unexpected shock...that's how it was for me too...my husband died of a heart attack when he'd just turned 51 that week. He wasn't overweight, we had no idea he had heart problems. He was the love of my life so it's been a huge adjustment having him gone. But as you can see, that was 5 1/2 years ago and somehow I've survived. You will too. The feeling up and down comes with it, it is a rollercoaster of emotions, but you do learn to ride them out. Just be ever so kind to yourself and know that your experience is unique and normal. We're here any time you need to vent, cry, question, or talk.

[Queeniemary]

I am so so sorry for your loss. You have come to a very good place for support. My husband also died very suddenly of a massive coronary, with no history of heart problems. I was in the hospital having had total knee replacement just a couple of days before. He was home alone. Our daughter found him. A fog is the only way to describe the way I was for months. I was on pain meds and in total shock, and the grief was almost more than I could bear. Michael died on January 13, 2010. Almost 10 months ago. Just take it a day at a time, one step at a time. You will have bad days, really bad days, and you will occasionally have a good one. Eventually, the good ones will outnumber the really bad. It just takes time, and it is different for everyone. There is no time table, and you just have to let the grief happen. This is a great place to come and pour out how you feel. We have all been where you are now, and we are all at different stages in this journey. So sorry you have to make this journey, but be assured that you will have support here as often as you need it. I could not have made it without this group.

Praying for us all in this club we did not ask to join.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Dimcl]

I'm not sure if I'm cuckoo or not, but have any of you folks found yourselves setting photos of your loved ones out and about the house? I've put pictures in all of the places where Glenn would normally sit - on the chesterfield, downstairs in our family room, propped up at the dining room table. Is this weird or what? It gives me some comfort to walk into a room and "see" him right where he always was in that room, but I'm wondering if I'm turning into a nutjob.

[LostmyHoney]

Dimcl, no you are not turning into a nutjob, whatever it takes to get through a day. I have pictures of my Honeys daughter layed out so when he comes to visit he can have those memories. I don't have many pictures of my Honey but I do have a few layed out on his computer so I can see them often. I also carry them with me to work when Im having a rough morning, I show him off from time to time and it makes me smile.

Rachel

[Queeniemary]

Dimcl, you are not a nutjob. You need to do whatever it takes to help you get through the day. I have pictures of Michael all over the house. We did a lot of community theater, and many of them are of him in costumes from various plays. It comforts me to look over and see his pictures when I go into a room. A friend ask me once how long did I think I would have all these pictures up, and I told her as long as I needed them there, maybe forever. She was just afraid that looking at the pictures would make it harder on me, but it does not, it helps me. I have seen some posts where people say looking at the pictures is too hard, that is why I say do whatever feel right for you. It is not necessarily the same for all of us, we all deal with the grief in our own individual way, and I don't think there is any "right or wrong" way to handle it.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[melina]

Sorry you have to join this club. My husband and I were married 28 years, together nearly 30 years. He was 12 years old than me, but we were together for life. He died of complications from lung cancer (although a never-smoker) a little over three months ago. We have four sons between 19 and 26 - and we all miss him terribly.

It sounds weird, I know, but I envy you that your husband made it to 79. My husband was only 64 when he died. I'm 52. We thought we had another thirty years together. His mother was 93 when she died. At first I just wanted to die and join him - didn't think I could go on. That has passed, but I still grieve. Hang in there - it's supposed to get better as time goes on.

Melina

[Dimcl]

Melina, given Glenn's and my 22 year age difference, we both knew this was almost an inevitability, but he was always so healthy until the last 6 months! In our 33 years together, the only health problem Glenn had was a brief bout of sciatica. Then this. He always said that he was going to live to 95 and he was such a determined guy, I guess I began to believe him. I guess I am lucky that we had as long together as we did and I'm ever so thankful that it was his heart and not the cancer that killed him. To see my strong, capable man deteriorate over the last 6 months was hard but it would have been infinitely worse to see him deteriorate even more if he had come home. I guess I should be grateful for small mercies.

I'm sorry that your husband was only 62, but envy you your sons.

[rain]

Dimcl,

I am so very sorry for your loss! Your story and mine are very similar. My husband and I too were a May/December relationship, 22 years apart. People tend make assumptions about this sort of pairing, but those who knew us knew we were perfect for each other. I was 25 when I met him and he lied about his age, in the beginning. He lied to everyone about it, and everyone believed him because he was so young and vital and full of life; by the time he confessed, we were in love, engaged and there was no turning back. It was the first marriage for both of us, and we knew we were meant to be. I essentially grew up with this man, and was a better woman for it. We adored each other ~ friends often commented on how our relationship seemed special and humbly, we knew it was. By some vast good fortune, the gods had smiled and we had gotten lucky. We were, simply put, happy.

My husband had a family history of longevity, and no real serious health problems that were unexpected in a man of his age. His father lived to be 95, his brother was 82, and we thought he'd live forever. We traveled, wined, dined and lived like there was no tomorrow. Until suddenly, there was.

He died of a massive heart attack on a beautiful afternoon in August while out mowing the lawn. We were to be going out on our traditional Thursday night "date night" ~ how we loved those, even after 27 years! We called them "Hubby and Wifey Night". We were hopelessly corny like that. And didn't care. We enjoyed each others company, and the pleasures life has to offer.

I want to be able to tell you it will get better, but I also want to stay real in here, and I don't know that. Other posters, with more experience, say it will. I haven't yet found it so. I can only say that it gets...different. The grief attacks that used to drop me to my knees at the sight/sound/smell of anything that triggered a specific memory have lessened in frequency, replaced by an overwhelming sorrow and longing that I wear like a burka ~ heavy, confining, omnipresent, enabling me to move and function, but without joy, freedom or hope.

So I must leave it to others to offer uplifting messages and words of encouragement. Tonight I am in despair, and have none. Just know you are not alone. We all fall apart. My wish for you is that you will find comfort in what you find here. There are generous people who are willing to help. Peace to you (( ))

[Dimcl]

Oh, Rain, it's so good to hear of the similarities in our stories! I was 22 and Glenn was 44 and, as you say, people can be far to "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" at a pairing like that. In fact, my parents disowned me for about 10 years. No birthday cards, no Christmas cards, nothing. I tried to mend the relationship, to no avail, and when I'd finally had enough, I decided that they could go to h*ll. My darling Glenn kept discouraging me from that. He always said that family was the most important thing. My folks sucked it up and finally got to know Glenn and see how much he loved me.

Since neither of us wanted children, it was just us - a team of two who went everywhere together and did everything together. Our friends always commented on our apparent love and respect for each other. Don't get me wrong - we could have some whopper arguments, but they were rarely personal. We both had interests in history, politics, etc. and could have some wonderful "discussions". Since we were both strong-willed and competitive, people who didn't know us often thought we were arguing, but it was just the way we were with each other. We loved debating (and proving each other wrong, if possible).

We, too, had a date night - Fridays. Last night, I cried and cried because not being out with Glenn on a Friday night is so foreign.

I am so sorry that you're in despair tonight. The last couple of days has been really awful for me, too. I guess that the shock part of his death is starting to wear off (it's been less than 2 weeks) and if this is what it's like, I'd rather stay in shock.

Thanks for telling me about you and your hubby, Rain. It's comforting to talk to someone who also had that age difference with a man who was younger than his years, vital, strong and loving. Please tell me more.