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I'm Having A Major Meltdown


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Last night, I cried harder and longer than I remember doing since about the third week after Glenn's death on 1 November. I felt like I was right back at the beginning again, and today I've done nothing except sleep and wander around the house feeling lost.

I think that some of the things I've been doing in the last 3 days probably contributed to my crash. I cleaned out one of Glenn's workbenches. He saved everything, from little pieces of metal and plastic that he often found a use for, to barely used pieces of sandpaper to old toothbrushes that he used to clean his tools with, etc. So, knowing that I'd never use any of most of it, I threw out a lot of it, vacuumed sawdust out of the drawers and put the tools and useful stuff back. Then, two days ago, I started organizing Glenn's clothes for a quilt I'm going to have made. I spoke to the quilter on the phone and she told me something that is perfectly logical, but that I hadn't thought of - she only wants pieces of the clothing, so it'll be up to me to "destroy" the clothes and I was taken aback at the idea of ripping Glenn's clothes apart. I thought I got over it by telling myself that it was better that I do it, rather than sending the clothing off to a stranger.

Then, I got looking at a cousin's travel blog yesterday. She and her husband are taking a six-month trip-of-a-lifetime and they're currently in China. Well, China was one of the places that Glenn and I always talked about travelling to but the cost always prevented it and I realized that I will probably never get there now. No more travelling, no more travel experiences to share with my darling man.

And, finally, last night I downloaded my income tax program and the first thing it asked me was if I was still "married". Of course, I had to change that to "widowed" and that was the final straw. I called my sister and cried on her shoulder for an hour and she told me that she thought I was putting too much pressure on myself. I'm the kind of person that when there's a job to do, it should be done now, not later. And, it helps me to stay busy, to organize, to plan, but I wonder if my sister was right.

To all of you out there who are further down the road in this journey than I am: Do you think I'm trying to accomplish too much after a little more than 2 1/2 months? I know the answer will generally be that we must all do what feels right to us, but from your experience, have you discovered that you did tackle things too soon? I don't know what to expect 3, 6, 12 months down the road and I need to know if I'm expecting too much of myself at this stage.

I feel worse now than I did a month ago, and just want to crawl into a hole and pull a rock in behind me.

Your advice is appreciated.

Di

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Dear Di,

My heart ached for you as I read your post. I can not tell you if you are trying to do to much as only you can know that. I can share with you that for me, the things you are accomplishing amazes me. I was in an altered-reality for the first 3 years after Melissa died. It was like I was alive and I went through my days but I wasn't really present. My focus needed to be on, eating enough, getting lots of rest, basic self care and that is about all I could manage those three years. For me it was like, I knew Melissa died, but I wasn't really taking it in, it just stayed on the surface if you will. It did not permeate my being....I wouldn't let it as it felt to me I would not survive if I did. I think I spent a lot of time trying to stay one step ahead of taking it in because I was to frightened to "feel" It was like I was running at full tilt, as if a tidal wave was chasing me, and If I could just run a little faster, a little harder, it wouldn't crush me.

Sadly, that is how this journey goes, we do alright, we somehow manage, something "triggers" us to our loss and we are thrown in front of that tidal wave again and it feels like we are runnig for our life again. In time, the "triggers" that happen bring a feeling of warmth and comfort in remembering what we had, rather than a reminder of what we lost.

When our spouse dies it is a total devistation,our world as we knew it changes instantly! It affects us emotionally, physically, spiritually, and cognitively, in my opinion.

Something I always use as a gauge is to ask myself, is what I am doing, bringing me comfort or is it bringing me distress. I encourage you to look within you and the answers you are seeking will become known to you.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Di,

Everyone's mileage varies on this, and I'm adding some of my experience so you'll see that you're not at all alone in the way you feel. My progress has been glacial, and I've found that I have to do a very small amount at a time. It took years for me to remove my wife's toothbrush, so you can see you've moved at light speed compared to me. I actually walked to a closet in another room to get my clothes for four years rather than start to relocate Tanya's clothes from our bedroom closet--and some of them are still in the closet. First, I moved some of them to another room. Then, I laid some of them on the bed in that room--months later. I then moved them to hangers on a rack--again, months later. They are now hanging on a line in the garage. By the time I've actually moved them out of the house, they'll be antiques. :blink:By contrast, I know people (again, who very much loved their partner), who have been able to do these things quickly.

Hearing about other couple's plans is just part of the deal now. Some of my family went to Australia a couple of years ago, and I just had no interest in going at all. Tanya and I had planned on going to New Zealand and Australia when she had recovered from her cancer, so I completely understand your feelings. That really brought me back, and I'm really sorry that you're going through it now. It's brutal, but will get easier over time.

The married/widowed thing threw me too--I still felt married. I do know people who have been dating within a year of their partner dying, and I'm quite sure they loved them--dealing with loss is very different and very personal. It could be that for you, this particular job of cleaning up just doesn't need to be done on your usual 'get it done now' schedule. This is something different, and maybe if you cut yourself some slack for a while you'll know better how to approach? If your Getting Things Done now agenda is causing you to add stress to an already enormous stress, do you think it worth trying a decelerated level of progress to see whether it suits this big adjustment better? Have you considered staying busy doing something just for yourself? I took some classes some time after Tanya died, and honestly wasn't thrilled at the time to do it. In retrospect, I do think it helped, so if you're at all open to the idea, please give it some thought.

While the quilter's choice of the word 'destroy' is unfortunate, the idea of the quilt seems really good. Is your sister local? If you're worried about cutting material from the clothing by yourself, is it something you could do with her or a friend? We all understand the desire to crawl into a hole after your loss--we've been there. Please know--you will feel better in time, Di, but you must first give yourself time.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~ Kenji Miyazawa

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Dimcl, I really feel for you. I wrote to you guys just a few days ago after my melt down--what I refer to as a pity party. I have those from time to time. It will be three months since Clint died and it appears he only existed in my life....no one else really seems to care anymore. Maybe that's just my perspective since the loss in my life is so personal.

I think sometimes we feel we must move on and expect too much too soon and it's not until we come across some new challenge we question ourselves and the melt down is a trigger that maybe we're doing too much too soon. I have resigned myself that each day there will be a new reminder of Clint's absence. We were to take a trip to California to see my mother....I've never flown and he did ONCE and insisted that my first flight be with him so that he could coach me through it. I procrastinated and always felt we would do it someday. Now that will never happen and I thought of it when you mentioned the China trip. I used to do our taxes, too, but he'll not be a part of that ever again. I have moved some of his things, but the toothbrush remains in the bathroom cabinet...along with his comb, brush, razor...etc. Those things are a little too personal for me to consider disposing of. I may get there at some point, but just not today.

I believe the melt downs may become less frequent, in time but the pain is pretty constant. This is a horrible journey for me, filled with memories of what was but never will be. I had so many dreams of our future that will never be fulfilled.

I suppose I haven't gone far enough yet to really console you at this time. We are similiar in our length of grieving--but I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and climb into my hole quite often. But then I resurface, knowing that my life must go forward and I repeat this process each and every day.

My biggest challenge now is bitterness and anger. Those things are difficult in themselves, but when combined with pain and sorrow appear overwhelming at times.

You probably feel worse right now than at the beginning, but then tomorrow you'll pick up where you left off prior to the most recent melt down. I think we just move in and out of it. They say it will get better in time and I'm getting there, I suppose. You will, too. The meltdown you're having is simply another step toward that goal.

Take care. We're here for you.

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It must have been the moon because I woke up yesterday and the tears started. I cried and cried and yelled and wandered around all day. I cussed and just felt very alone. It has been 6 months and I thought I was doing fine then it hit me square in the face. I was mad, lost and missing my love just like he left me yesterday and today I am still very weepy and lost I just miss him terribly and wonder how much longer I can go on like this I don't like doing it alone as I am sure many do, I have this feeling inside of me like an explosion is building and I can't control it.

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Dear dimcl,

All these replies are right on as I see it. None of us can tell you if you did too much. I do wonder since you are asking if deep down you might believe you took on too much at one time. I know for me, 10 months out next week, that what you did seems gigantic. I have not moved Bill's toothbrush either, his clothes are in his closet and his tools in his workshop. I have barely changed a thing. I think about new drapes and will do that as he and I planned on making changes to the house we moved to less than a year before he died. I just can't remove his things....it feels like too much reality telling me he IS gone. Each of us knows when it is time to do these things. We have to be still and listen to our own voices. I do think that if you decide to go forward on the quilt it might be good to have a good friend come in and help you. A friend called me yesterday and said, how about I bring a bottle of wine and pizza over on Bill's birthday (his first) and we look at pictures together. I know her presence will help me with that day. Listen to your heart before you go forward. Having a meltdown heals me but I hate them. I also try not to do things that might create them but then I never know what those are. We are all walking a brambled path filled with twists and turns and we are in the dark with no flashlight. You did what felt best at the time. No judgments. For me, I am 10 months out and can not touch those things yet. I will...who knows when. You might drink a hot cup of tea and be as peaceful as possible before moving forward. My heart reaches out to you.

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I so hear what you all are saying! I want to validate all that is being said and that it is sssooo NORMAL on this path of grief and loss. When I see you all that are so new to this path my heart aches for you all for I know exactly where each of you are in your own path because I have been there too!

At 7 years out, I still have Melissa's toothbrush right there where it should be. Her briefcase, coat and scarf, are still in the hall closet just where she left them. I still wear her pj's to bed every night. Melissa did needlepoint and she had one that she was working on when she died and slowly as I can I work on it I'll finish it one day and get it framed and it will hang in my office. There are no rules to follow on this path and no mould to fit into as we all are thrown onto this path with our own life experiences and however it evolves is right. One thing I have really begun to do is to try to live in the moment and savour each piece of it for in a blink of an eye it is gone.

Some tangible things that were part of our life are going to be with us forever and some let go off right away and it is Ok however it happens. One thing I believe for certain is that NO-ONE has the authority to tell you what to FEEL, when to FEEL, and that if we don't allow ourselves to FEEL and express that energy somehow, it remains inside us and festers and grows, and becomes this volitle mass that feels like we will explode into a million pieces if we even just acknowledge it.

You all may have noticed that I have been in some considerable pain at having to let go of my bike, a HUGE tangible piece of our life together, the difference now though, when HUGE triggers come up like this for me is I am still able to function, still engage in life, still find joy in my days, still see beauty all around me when before when strong pieces of our life togehter left from my grasp, I would go running as fast as I could to get into that comfortable hole, with the rock pulled over me.

I want to offer you all hope and encouragement and I wish you all continued peace and healing,

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Di,

If you are asking that question: am I doing too much?, maybe you are. Only you know the answer to this deep down. Yesterday I posted in the losing a parent area about letting go of belongings of my mother and I realized how this has had to be a years-long process. There is still work to be done about this too. Her clothing has been such a sensitive topic for me. Income tax. Oh, I would not be able to do that. The estate attorney's tax person did her taxes for the estate for last year. It was a very, very complicated thing that could never have been done without experts. Please be gentle with yourself. There is no rush, no timetable. I am the kind of person who always seems to need to get things done now, but with things about mother, it is a different timetable for sure.

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Is there someone else you could hand the clothes to that could deal with the quilter so you don't have to?

I think on the taxes you can still claim your husband the first year...doublecheck with a tax advisor, but it was that way when George died, it helped.

Maybe you view tackling all of this as therapeutic, if so, that's great, but it does seem like you are really doing an awful lot so quickly...some things can be left for when you're better able to tackle it...I tend to be the same way so I can understand. But I remember how painful it was going through George's trailer, it was way too quick to do so, I should have let it just sit there for a year or two first. The trailer we used to camp in, I still can't bear to go in it, and believe it or not, he still has some clothing hanging in the closet...and it's been 5 1/2 years. What does it hurt to ignore it?

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Thank you to all of you. After hearing what you had to say and doing a little soul-searching, I think perhaps I have been trying to resolve things too quickly. The problem is that I'm an A-type personality and put tremendous pressure on myself, in everything I do, to "do the right thing" and to do it as perfectly as possible.

I think part of the problem is that I haven't yet absorbed just how radically my life has changed. I think I'm also fighting possible changes to me, to my personality. I don't want that to happen and when I find myself feeling or thinking things that I'm not used to, it's a problem. I guess I just have to let this play out the way it will, but I also think that maybe I'll try to slow down a little bit and not pressure myself quite so much.

Thank you all for your support and efforts to help. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Hugs to you all.

Di

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I am reading a book called Sacred Grief by Leslee Tessmann. I find it helpful in that it focuses on recognizing that our grief is to be honored just as other facets of life are honored. It is helping me NOT to try to rush through a process that needs its own time. I just pass that title on to you. MFH

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I am so sorry of the loss of your loving husband.

I know how taough it can be, it is not really easy, no one should blame you, he was your soulmate and you can't just get over the pain and loss in a short period of time. Take your time, cry whene you need to, let everything out, it is a process of grieve.

I lost my 33 years old brother in a bus crash on November 13/2010, the same month as your spouse, I cant tell you the pain I am feeling right now, it is more than how I felt when I heard the news, it is like when time pass and I realize that I will never see my loving brother again I just cry like a crazy, It is like adream I still cant beleive I will NEVER see him again.WOW it is painful. For me I still cant look at his things because I feel I am not ready yet, and if I do now I am going to get really sick emotionaly. I want to learn to live my life along all the memories that we shared.

It is not an easy thing to lose someone you love, only time alone can ease the pain a liitle but you never forget about the person. So hold on my friend and take care of yourself because I am sure he wants you to be that way.

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I am so sorry for the death of your brother, Hopeful22. I haven't lost a sibling, so can't truly understand how you're feeling, but my heart goes out to you.

I had no concept that things could get worse than when it first happened. I guess that's why we go into shock - it's our brain's way of switching us off until we are better able to handle things, but now that the shock's worn off, and the reality has begun to sink in, the pain is indescribable.

I am still in the midst of the meltdown that I referred to when I started this thread and I am so, so tired of feeling bad from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. A month ago, I didn't feel horrible when I woke up. As the day wore on, the grief got worse and worse, but now I cry 5 minutes after I'm out of bed and it just becomes a constant thing.

I can truly understand why some people give up on life when they lose a loved one. It would be so very easy to do. But, you're right - my Glenn would want me to keep fighting and moving forward (he never gave up on anything in his life) and so, I will.

Thank you for your encouraging words, and please know that I'm thinking of you and your brother. Hugs.

Di

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Dear Di,

I found at three months I was beginning to come out of the numbness and I remember that I felt horrible. Like you I'm also an A type so know exactly how you feel. I got rid of Lars' clothes right after he died, in fact the day after his death my son took seven boxes of heavy winter clothes to a shelter. Our temps were ranging in the -40's and I knew Lars would have wanted me to donate them.It took longer with the rest.

I wanted to change his computer room into a scrapping/computer room for me..did that very quickly, then I hit bottom for awhile(mid March).After that I relied on my children to help a bit more,and we got most of the big jobs out of the way together.My son-in-law did the income taxes for me and will continue.

Last weekend I was going to empty some boxes from years ago(he was a saver) and I saw his signature on a piece of paper and that was enough to start me crying again for three days. Today I had no problem emptying the boxes into the garbage. GO figure.. who knows what will trigger the sadness and tears.

Time does take the edge off the pain, for me it is always there, but I can now concentrate on making myself the person I am going to become.You said you were afraid to let yourself change. Di, for all that everyone of us has been through, we are all going to be stronger,more compassionate and caring people.

Lainey

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Hi Di,

I'm also like you, a perfectionist, which I have to say people make it sound like a bad thing but I was always taught to do your best so that's the way I look at it.

Now, you have to do the best you can at this time. My husband died on Nov. 8, 2007 and I haven't touched any of his things and have felt like I just keep losing more of him if something breaks and it can't be fixed. Everything is in his drawers, sometimes I like to open them and just touch and smell them. His things are still in the bathroom and I even kept the mouth wash and shampoo and bought new ones so I'd always have them. Before when the jar on his dresser was filled with change, I always took it to the bank, now it will always sit there filled because I couldn't bear to empty it.

I was told not to make any major decisions or decisions that you don't have to immediately that you might regret for at least a year. I know when we had to put our dog to sleep, I didn't want to put away his things and Dennis told me there's no reason I have to. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks he said, only us, and if it makes us happy to have his things around, then that's the way it should be. I still have his things all around the house. It's not anything that anyone else would even notice or think anything of, but I know what they are and they still make me feel comforted by them.

I'm not able to give any of his things away and don't think I ever will. He would tell me, "I just want you to be happy, do whatever makes you happy." Yes, I know someone else could use them but I honestly think I need them more.

I know people who have made teddy bears out of shirts and I thought about it but right now I can't bear the thought of cutting up any of his shirts so I won't be doing that. Maybe down the road I'll do it for our two grandchildren, but the time isn't right yet. I think a quilt is a very nice idea, I've saved all of our living daughter's clothes with the thought that some day I'd make a memory quilt out of them. Maybe you just need to wait on the quilt until you're sure you're comfortable cutting them up for the pieces you need. There's no hurry to rush any of this. It will still all be there when it doesn't upset you and you're positive it's what you want to do.

As for the taxes, we used to do them ourselves with a computer tax program but after he died, I knew I couldn't face that alone. I now take them to an accountant and think it's worth every penny it costs me. It's hard enough for me just going there and filing them alone without having to be nervous doing them here by myself.

I feel the same way about travelling. I've even thought, I'll never smell a hotel room again and walk around holding hands exploring a new place. We're grieving the loss of our whole future and what it was supposed to be. I still am having a terrible time trying to accept that, it still just seems impossible to me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say to you is take it day by day, second by second at times, and do what you want to, what feels right to you and don't push yourself thinking you should be doing this or that.

Hugs, Gail

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Hi Di, I'm sorry for your loss. I know 8 months into this journey, I now take baby steps with myself. When I joined this group I didn't choose to join, I started out doing miraculous things - I had my husbands "estate" in order within a week - heck I didn't sleep - what else was I to do? I had "everything" tidy within the first 3 months - clothes given to an appropriate charity, possessions given to where they "should" go... It is my personality. Not everyone is like me and what I did or how I did things cannot compare to how others go through this. What I do know is that once the fog lifted just a little I crashed hard and I continue to crash. I now set "boundries" for myself, I don't try to climb mountains, most days, I try to accomplish "just one thing". This weekend it is to change the bed linens and tidy my bedroom - nothing more. If I get this "one" task done, I am happy. If I don't, I don't beat myself up - tomorrow is another day... Be gentle with yourself. If somedays all you do is put one foot in front of the other and get through the day one minute at a time, it's okay - somedays, we just have to breathe. This is something we all get through and I'm grateful to this group for helping me along this journey... Do try to eat, drink plenty of water and sleep when you can. Take care, Deb

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I had my husbands "estate" in order within a week - heck I didn't sleep - what else was I to do? I had "everything" tidy within the first 3 months - clothes given to an appropriate charity, possessions given to where they "should" go... It is my personality.

You sound a lot like me, Deb, in that you took charge and got things accomplished. This is exactly what I've been doing (although I haven't dealt with his clothing or possessions yet)and after this recent meltdown, I started to wonder whether I was going too fast. Based on what most people on this forum have said, I think I was attempting too much too soon, so I have resolved to take it easier. The problem is that I'm a results-oriented person and "taking it easy on myself" isn't what I'm used to. Taking it easy also makes me worry that my personality will change and I don't want that to happen, either.

Thanks so much for your advice and help, Deb. I'll try to get past this latest setback and try to slow down. Hugs.

Di

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