Dimcl Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Last night, I cried harder and longer than I remember doing since about the third week after Glenn's death on 1 November. I felt like I was right back at the beginning again, and today I've done nothing except sleep and wander around the house feeling lost. I think that some of the things I've been doing in the last 3 days probably contributed to my crash. I cleaned out one of Glenn's workbenches. He saved everything, from little pieces of metal and plastic that he often found a use for, to barely used pieces of sandpaper to old toothbrushes that he used to clean his tools with, etc. So, knowing that I'd never use any of most of it, I threw out a lot of it, vacuumed sawdust out of the drawers and put the tools and useful stuff back. Then, two days ago, I started organizing Glenn's clothes for a quilt I'm going to have made. I spoke to the quilter on the phone and she told me something that is perfectly logical, but that I hadn't thought of - she only wants pieces of the clothing, so it'll be up to me to "destroy" the clothes and I was taken aback at the idea of ripping Glenn's clothes apart. I thought I got over it by telling myself that it was better that I do it, rather than sending the clothing off to a stranger. Then, I got looking at a cousin's travel blog yesterday. She and her husband are taking a six-month trip-of-a-lifetime and they're currently in China. Well, China was one of the places that Glenn and I always talked about travelling to but the cost always prevented it and I realized that I will probably never get there now. No more travelling, no more travel experiences to share with my darling man. And, finally, last night I downloaded my income tax program and the first thing it asked me was if I was still "married". Of course, I had to change that to "widowed" and that was the final straw. I called my sister and cried on her shoulder for an hour and she told me that she thought I was putting too much pressure on myself. I'm the kind of person that when there's a job to do, it should be done now, not later. And, it helps me to stay busy, to organize, to plan, but I wonder if my sister was right. To all of you out there who are further down the road in this journey than I am: Do you think I'm trying to accomplish too much after a little more than 2 1/2 months? I know the answer will generally be that we must all do what feels right to us, but from your experience, have you discovered that you did tackle things too soon? I don't know what to expect 3, 6, 12 months down the road and I need to know if I'm expecting too much of myself at this stage. I feel worse now than I did a month ago, and just want to crawl into a hole and pull a rock in behind me. Your advice is appreciated. Di Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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