Is My Fear Of Forgetting Irrational?

[Dimcl]

My Glenn has been gone for almost 3 months now, and I've developed a fear of forgetting. I look at his photos and worry about forgetting how he fiddled with his moustache, how he walked, how he moved his hands when he was working. I don't want to forget a single thing, but it occurs to me that when people say "time heals", what they really means is that time fades our memories and I just can't bear that thought. I have a notoriously bad memory, anyway, and although the big picture of our life together will never fade, I'm so scared of losing the intimate memories that made him who he was. I know there's nothing I can do about this, but being afraid of it is becoming a concern.

Have others had this same fear?

Di

[Nick]

Hi,

I too have had this fear so no worries! I can't believe I'm in my second year without my dear husband. Sometimes I just wish time would stop, but it doesn't we have to keep going. I feel it's just my way of not wanting to let go I want to hold on so badly! I have two very young children and I'm always speaking of their father and showing photos to keep his memory alive. I don't ever want to forget so I understand I still hold onto all the dreams and memories. In my mind I feel like letting go is abandoning my husband. I know he would want me to let go of some of the stuff I carry around and not feel so hostage to it! Well, I just wanted to say I can relate and I think it's normal.

[mfh]

If it helps, I keep a file on my computer and make entries daily. One document in the file is a list of those little memories...so I do not forget. Not just gestures but other little memories like the newspaper that appeared on my chair every Sunday and the hot tea that appeared when I was working too hard at my computer....it helps.

[nats]

Di,

To you and others, I don't think time fades memories we just accept better, I have plenty of pictures around of Ruth so I can be reminded daily of our life and love, some days it's rough but most days I look at them and smile, our loved ones will be forever in our hearts and minds even as we move forward into a new journey without them in fact I'm comming up on 1 year 2/14 and think about her just as if she were here, my Ruth will never leave my soul....

NATS

[LostmyHoney]

Hi Di,

I dont think we forget memories, I feel that they come and go as we need them. In fact I have just begun to remember some lil things like: One day I was staring at my Honey, he noticed me and said that made him feel uncomfortable. I said to him "Im sorry baby I dont mean to make you uncomfortable but...(broke into song, Frankie Valley and the four seasons)

Your just to good to be true!

Can't take my eyes off of you!

Your like heaven to touch,

I want a hold you so much..."

He giggled and said "Now come over here and give me a snuggie!"

I hadn't thought about that since the day it happened, and had this memory on monday, been humming and singing this tune since.

Rachel

[MartyT]

Rachel, the memory you shared just warmed my heart ~ and mfh, I love your idea of listing those little memories, putting them in writing every day and as they come to us ~ priceless ♥

[Lainey]

Di,

I have done similar to what mfh has done in jotting down things as I remember them. I have a "Memory" book and my children, g/babies write in it also. We all enjoy browsing through it whenever we need to. In fact with all of us doing this, I've learned things about Lars that he did with the children.

Rachel, love your memory!!

Lainey

[kayc]

I think it's a great idea to record things in a memory book or journal. I often think of George...how he brought a big drippy fish into my office with a big grin on his face after he'd caught it...I had to quickly get him a plastic bag to protect the carpet. I think of how he used to show up at my office on Friday night with a (again, drippy) ice cream cone, all dre4ssed up, asking me "Are you ready for a hot date?" How could you not miss that! I remember his enthusiasm for life, for each and every holiday and event, for every season, every weekend and moment we could spend together. I remember his supportiveness for my kids, such a rare stepfather! When he married me my kids were 17 and 19, yet they developed such close relationships with him and loved him as he did them. I remember how old and tired he'd look when he'd come home from work (he was a welding fabricator and his job was 75 miles away), my heart always went out to him. I remember how he used to massage my feet, and I his back. Just this morning I was thinking about his kisses...how long ago it seems, but I will never forget what we shared. I loved the sound of his voice, his smell, the way he held me and made me feel protected. I remember how much he tried to take care of me...from working, providing medical insurance, mowing the lawn, picking up Rxs, washing the car, running the vacuum, anything and everything he could do to help. I remember him climbing to the top of an embankment to get me "just the right leaves" for our fall bouquet. I remember how much he loved anything I cooked, and even loved getting groceries with me. I was so blessed.

[LarrysGirl]

You are not alone having this fear, I do to. Though I am one of the "old timers" 5 yrs. into this grief, I don't want him forgotten like he never existed. Sure there are times when a memory will surface that I hadn't thought of in a while, but he never leaves my heart and I think of him day and night. Pictures help, and they are everywhere and notes he would leave me, they are where I can read them all the time. We won't forget, the pain may lessen but the love will remain. Deborah

[sunstreet]

Dear Di,

I can't say that I ever felt this fear. I have kept a memory journal of our life together and continue to add to it after 7 years. I may be the odd one out here but for me even though Melissa is dead she very much is still part of my life but now is in a spiritual sense. It is overwhelming and such joy at times to feel her so strongly near to me that I weep with joy. I think that is one of the reason's why it is hard for me to give up my bike. Melissa and I loved to get away on the bike and go camping in remote areas, where it was just her and I, and nature and all the life that brings. I remember this one time in particular, we had gone to this lake up in the mountains, and the ride up was beautiful beyond belief. AFter we got the tent and camp all set up, we went for about a two hour hike, had dinner, the sun was gone, the stars were out, the campfire burning, I got out my guitar and started to play twinkle twinkle little star. Melissa asked me to stop playing and come and stand with her by the lake, so there we were arm in arm at the lake, Melissa said now it is perfect, I looked at her and said what do you mean, she said now the Light in you is shining on the lake too and you feed my soul more than any star up in the sky.

Oh dear Di, I think the memories come as we need them and your Glenn resides within your soul and heart forever. When I say to those that are greiving that it gets easier with time, I don't mean it is because your memories fade, what I mean is time eases our pain, and we can see again our love what we had, what it was, in all it's glory.

Rachel ~ thank you for sharing your memory with us. It warmed my heart.

Mary ~ writing ~ is a tool ~ we can use to help us greive and to record forever our life and love togeher. It warms my heart that you have experienced and use this tool too.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Dimcl]

Hi,

In my mind I feel like letting go is abandoning my husband.

Nick, this is exactly how I feel. I have oodles of pictures of Glenn scattered around the house, but I look at them and they are so static. Don't get me wrong - I'm so grateful that I have so many photos of my darling man, but I'm afraid that I'll forget the expression he'd get on his face if he found something distasteful or the way his moustache would poke up when he was fiddling with it, or even just something like the shape of his fingers. He had such beautiful strong hands and it's that kind of thing that I'm so afraid of forgetting.

I know that the look of his hands is not important in the big scheme of things, but it's part of who he was and I know that as time goes by, these things will start to fade and it terrifies me.

I guess this just goes to show that I haven't yet moved past the stage of missing his physical presence and learning how to just accept that my memories, as fallible as they may be, are all that I have left. I don't want to accept that and am struggling with it.

Thank you to all who responded.