People Are Really Funny Sometimes......

[wmjsca]

I called a friend of mine today and we hadn't touched base much over the last few weeks. I've got a very full school load and dealing with this grief and raising a very busy ten-year-old, so I don't talk on the phone very much. She asked me whether I'd been with a MAN! I mean, I lost Clint to DEATH....this wasn't a BREAK UP! What the heck is wrong with people? Have they forgotten, or is it because they moved on with their normal lives, mine is supposed to follow suit? I can't believe I had to REMIND her that he's been gone a little over FOUR MONTHS...I suppose to 'outsiders' that's enough time? I should be over it by now? I was really pissed off, although I didn't tell her that. I knew she wouldn't understand. Most people don't.

I hope you all are getting through things all right, at least for today. It is a day to day existence, at least for me.

I didn't know who else to share this with. No one I know has lost a partner. They are all together with their loves.

[melina]

I notice I've become wary of both the phone and social gatherings, in case someone says something that hurts me. It doesn't have to be something stupid - though I've heard my share of those - but anything that reminds me of my grief.

I was at an informal dinner gathering with some friends - all women - and for the first 45 minutes all they talked about was their husbands, until one of them realized I was very quiet and she changed the subject to what was going on in the world instead. People just don't think.

I can't control what other people want to talk about, but I would have thought they could utilize a little empathy.

Melina

[mfh]

I think that unless people have been down the road we are all walking, they just can't understand. I also believe people's lives are mostly about themselves and many if not most do not think about walking in someone else's pain. It is frustrating when they are so unaware of our pain. It leaves me feeling very alone but I am slowly learning NOT to expect empathy from most people. People stopped asking how I am, and meant it, a long time ago. It will be one year on the 27th of this month. I find that not expecting others to reach out helps as it minimizes disappointment but the frustation is the same. We do not educate people about grief in this country....for sure.

[Guest Nicholas]

Equally upsetting are inane comments such as "he is in a much better place now", "it was God's will" (very comforting for a Buddhist), "when your number's up, it's up", "we all have to go sometime" and then there is "at least he isn't suffering now" - well he went quickly into a coma so didn't suffer much thankfully, unlike me.

[Lainey]

I have to admit that before this happened to me, I was not terribly understanding of people that were greiving for a loved one. Now that I'm the griever, it frustrates me also that people can be so unkind(for lack of a better word).We have to remember that nobody understands the depth of pain that a person goes through until it actually happens to them.Maybe we have to educate these people.

I have been very frank with certain people.. they will ask how I am and I ask them "Do you really want to know?". The ones that say yes are my TRUE friends, the others care, but don't really want to know the pain I'm going through.

Lainey

[MartyT]

Yes, we do need to educate people about grief. One way to do that is to print out an article on the subject and give it to that friend who doesn't know what to say or do, such as the one you will find here: Helping Another in Grief. (An expanded version of this article is available in booklet form, from the Bereavement office at Hospice of the Valley, 1510 E. Flower Street, Phoenix AZ 85014.5656, www.hov.org, 602.530.6970.) You'll find additional articles listed on the Helping Someone Who's Grieving page of our Grief Healing Web site.

[BellaRosa]

I wish I could say that I am surprised that this woman asked you about being with a man, but sadly, I'm not. People really don't get it unless they've been there. I've heard people tell me I "don't quite seem like myself yet" (less than 3 weeks after my mom passed), they ask me why I seem so sad, and they will talk and complain about their own mothers in front of me. I think that one is the worst. It feels like a slap in the face because they are lucky enough to still have their mothers here, while I'll have to live the rest of my life without mine. I just wish people were more considerate and had more empathy for others, but then I try to remember what it was like before this happened to me. I didn't truly understand grief before my mother died. I try to be patient with people, but sometimes it's just very hard to endure their comments.

[LarrysGirl]

I also had a "friend" ask a very inappropriate question very early after Larry's death. She asked if I thought I'd ever have sex again. Huh??? Like that was what I would be worried about, my gosh, where are people's minds. Deborah

[beakerj]

Oh, ow. People say the weirdest stuff. It made me cringe to read what you guys have been asked about relationships & sex.

I have learnt so much in the last few months about what to say/what not to say to those suffering grief & loss, & how to say things. People have said things to me like 'I hope you cope' & 'I hope it's not too much for you', which starts me thinking in those terms, of not managing, rather than saying 'take it gently', or 'baby steps' which would indicate something positive.

Such a reminder to think carefully about what we say to those who are suffering.

Hoping for better!

Becka

[wmjsca]

Understanding voices. Such a comfort. You all really come through, you know? Each day is a struggle, maybe in different ways and at different levels, but still difficult. Each day brings another memory of something forgotten or just not thought of, a song, a movie, memory of a place or event. Knowing there are still months of 'firsts' left to encounter. It's a hard road and I miss him so.

Thank you all.

[Deb625]

Yeah, I got the "you'll just find another man" within a week of Michael's passing. I remember thinking "do you think he was a pair of shoes that I'll just replace?" People don't understand and I'm thankful that they haven't had to go through this pain - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I am the first "widow" of my peers, and I've had an amazing amount of support from most of my friends and family - they know they can't truly understand, yet are patient and empathize and let me grieve - I try to forgive the insensitive people, I think I understand that to say something so insensitive, they don't understand and/or have never loved and been loved - which is sad for them. Take care, Deb

[Country Sunshine]

Well, I think I have y'all beat when it comes to insensitive people. I had a woman that came to the Memorial Home Going sevice held for my beloved husband that told me... all the while chowing down on chocolate pie... that it is just as well after all he was 82 and feeble minded anyway... and now I can go on with my life and find someone else.. perhaps someone with more money. Well, I am here to tell you... I so wanted to slap her right there in church... but I did not.. I simply walked away from her... by the time I went back out to where she had stood, she was gone.. and I sure wasn't sorry to see her gone. My husband was NOT feeble minded at all, just a bit weakened by age..

I am quite fortunate that I do have a very supportive church family... and that woman isn't part of it...

Carolyn

[Dimcl]

wmjsca, nobody's had the temerity to be that explicit with me (heaven help them!), but I had a "friend" drop in uninvited and unannounced last week. I was happy to see her, but she noticed that I had 4 photos of Glenn in the living room and made the mistake of commenting on it. I sucked it up, looked at her and said "Yes, is that a problem?" and she made the HUGE mistake of saying, "Life goes on, Diane". I very quietly told her that if she ever said that to me again, I'd be very, very unhappy. She quickly changed the subject, but her insensitivity has now coloured my relationship with her. I'm losing faith in people by leaps and bounds, believe me.

I know that you miss Clint immeasurably, but I hope that you and your little guy are coping as well as can be expected. How is he doing, by the way? He was acting out in the beginning and I'm hoping that he feels a little better. I'm thinking of you both. Hugs.

Di

[kayc]

Wow, and I thought I'd heard it all! I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd told her off or worse...what in the world do people think? First of all, they should know our character, second, what we do or don't do is none of their business, and third, would they be able to just forget their husband and "replace" him with someone else so fast? Nope, they don't have a clue!!

[HAP]

My wife wanted to add my name to her family's stone,. She told me this the weekend before she went into the hospital. When i told my in-laws, my father-in-law said, to my sister-in-law, afterward--"He's still a young man. He might remarry. We should not do this."

I will be 59 in just over two weeks--too young, apparently to be a widower--and in my mind way too old to be a bachelor. And I very much doubt i will ever see my wife's like again. She defined the term soulmate. When we met, it was love at first sight. We felt from that instant that we had known each other from the beginning of time.

I chalk his thought up to his pain at the time.People in pain are not always as sensitive as we might like. There was a sign in the family center at the hospital Jane was in that said: Be kind to everyone you encounter because you have no idea what difficulties they are facing." That reminded me to keep my mouth closed about his remarks. He was in pain and had no other way to express that pain than by lashing out without thinking about the pain those remarks would cause me when I heard them.

In a similar way, I expect that part of what the non-widowed are engaged in is a kind of whistling by the graveyard--they want to believe that if this awful thing happens their lives will return quickly to normal. We have all been conditioned by television to think that even the most horrible problem can be solved in something like thirty minutes to an hour. People want to believe that. The existence of those of us in the throes of grief--who do not get over it in a month or two--an enormous amount more time than we are conditioned for--force people to confront their deepest fears about their own confrontation with the death of a loved one. In us they see the awfulness that their own lives could turn into--and it terrifies them. So they ask us, often first explorers of this land at least half the population will eventually inhabit, to reassure them that the experience is not that bad. They are seeking reassurance--and when all we can offer them is our pain, they want to run away less from us than from the evil fruit we bear.

God knows I did not have any idea what this was going to be like before I got here. And if you had told me what it was like I would have had a very hard time believing what you told me.

It is not, ultimately, that they are bad--it is merely that they are ignorant of the land we inhabit. And they would very much like to stay that way. Given that none of us would wish this on our worst enemy, I would just as soon they remain ignorant--though I do wish they would not have such unrealistic expectations of us. Or at least not vocalize them.

HAP