What Do You Say To Them When They Ask? Dating

[DVLocker]

My friends and family have started asking me "why don't you date someone?" (Widowed 8 months)

I know they are just trying to get me to stop living in the past. After my wife passed I became a recluse. I don't want or need to be around people, which is the total opposite of my past life. I was a DJ, singer and loved to entertain.

What do you say to them when they ask?

It is even harder when it is your children and step children telling you to find someone to replace Mom. Just thinking of dating I feel like I am cheating on my wife and they don't except that answer. They tell me Mom would not want you to be miserable and alone the rest of your life. The kids live far away and don't see me tear up when they ask and I change the subject on them....

I don't want to be blunt with them and run off the few that have stuck by me (most friends vanished only the true friends are still around).

Only my daughter from my first marriage is happy I am not out looking. She is a lot like me and does not want me getting hurt.

Answers I have tried:

• 
  
  
• It is to soon
  
• I don't need anyone in my life
  
• I am to old now to worry about it
  
• Sally is still alive in my heart
  
• I don't need the drama
  
• It's my decision to be alone right now
  

[WaltC]

My wife ALWAYS will be alive in my heart and mind ! I choose NOT to cheat on her, despite others who have different values than I embrace.

I choose to remain alone until I can be with her once again. That is my decision.

[west]

Love is in my heart, that is all I need right now!

[Susie Q]

It's one of the most personal issues someone can ask about. It hasn't been said to me in the form of a question, but it's been the topic of conversation with friends who are divorced - and now I'm one of the 'single' group too.

I just believe and say 'I can't imagine that I would ever meet anyone who measures up - and why would I want second best?'

Having said that, I'm reminded that a few years ago I had a significant health scare and waiting for the results (which were OK) gave us the opportunity to discuss the possibility of me not being here in the future. I went to great lengths to explain that I didn't like to think of him being alone for the rest of his life and hoped he would find someone who could make him happy. I made him promise not to rule out the possibility.

I know he would want that for me - my happiness was all he ever wanted but it's 18 months since he's been gone and there isn't a thought of mine that isn't for him. I don't want/need anyone else but I wouldn't consider it cheating.

Bringing real love into your life from any source and at any age shouldn't be seen as a bad thing if that's what you want in your heart.

[Lainey]

I agree that it would definitely feel like I was cheating on Lars if I found someone to replace him now.But whose to say that in another year or whenever, I meet someone. Maybe my feelings will have changed by then.

I don't think I would want to find anyone that reminded me too much of Lars, that would be totally unfair to the man, as well as to Lars' memory.I'm hoping that I wouldn't look at a person and because he isn't what Lars was, consider him second best. I'm hoping I would be open enough to give him a chance.

We never know what is waiting for us or how we will deal with it.For now all of your answers are good.

Lainey

[Country Sunshine]

It's not even been two months yet and already some have asked me about dating again.. I just tell them that is simply wouldn't be fair to whomever I would be with because I would compare them with Bob, and not really be able to see them for who they are on their own... That usually squelches that kind of talk...

[Anne E]

OUCH! I can't imagine how you must feel. I have been alone for three years and am actually still kinda hurt when I am asked that question. I about die when lovely people who know someone who is "almost" divorced (my absolute favorite option for a male) say I would be the "perfect" date. I tell them Thank you, but I doubt that I will ever be interested in another man. The one I had and still love with all my heart was perfect.

You know, the other part of that is I can't imagine going though this loneliness, pain, heartbreak, etc., again. Dick was ill for 5 years and the 6th year spent almost 9 months in some level of intensive care in a hospital 500 miles away from home. I just can't imagine doing that again. I can't imagine surviving the drama. It's still so raw some days.

Think the best thing to tell everyone is that at this point no one can make me happy and please allow me the space to work my way through this portion of my life.

Anne

[Deb625]

I just say that I'm still trying to connect with me and what my life is now without Michael - dating is so far off it isn't even a thought. I know Michael wouldn't want me to be alone forever, I know if I ever did find another man, the relationship would be different - my love for Michael and what we shared would always be in my heart. I also know dating isn't something I can even contemplate until I feel whole in who I am and right now I'm still shattered by grief, slowly finding my way - one step at a time. Take care, Deb

[nats]

Well here's my input...everyone must do as they feel on there terms and feelings....we must reflect on our vows concerning the cheating issue, God joined us together "till death do us part", that vow has a reason it allows us to be free from cheating, God did not mean for us to be alone if that were so we would have never loved in the first place...Ruth and myself spoke often discussing what would happen if and when she passed before me as she was 9 years older, she insisted I find someone else, she also said God didn't intend for us to be alone and having so much life still to live she said I must carry on....I have chosen to carry on and I'm in a relationship with her blessing, if I didn't know better I'd say she played a big part in it...each and everyone of us must decide, I do not want to be alone and I do want and do Love again, in fact I feel God brought this all about as part of my mission so I will follow my heart and take what I have learned during this whole journey as it takes me, I still cry daily as I miss Ruth but it's OK she's always with me deep in my heart forever, I also have a close spiritual connection with her and she encourages me with signs as she truely is my Angel in Heaven...and Brenda is a God send for sure, her husband passed so we have much to share concerning grief, she is amazing I'm in my new home now and the other night she was over helping me decorate when she said Ruth's memorial didn't look right so we rearranged the urn, angels and silk flowers together....I'm so thankful I am able to feel a closeness and a new love again...I know one thing if I passed before Ruth I would have wanted the same for her....and something I must mention is Brenda is no repalcement for Ruth nor am I for Glenn, we have found our own special bond...I pray for each of us to find the answers and positive route during this journey we are on.....

NATS

[kayc]

It's not cheating, but being as no one asked to be single, it's different than divorce...most have a difficult time conceiving of themselves in a single status. It's a process to even recognize they're really gone. Whether or not a person chooses to date and how soon is a very personal preference that no one should judge another one for...nor should they push their views on someone else. If and when the time seems right, that person will know. Many choose never to date, and that is fine, there is nothing wrong with either way. I can't say as I exactly "dated", I didn't intend to get involved with someone, but a friend of George's and I talked often...which ultimately lead to us getting married. It was a horrendous disaster as he was a con man preying on a grieving widow. I throw that in as a caution to all of us that we recognize our vulnerability and be guarded accordingly. Eventually finding a companion that seemed right ended in my getting heartbroken once again. I give up...I can't help but feel I am meant to be alone, and as premature as George's death was, it just is how it is. I got a dog and he is my best Bud.

[michelle5]

I would have to agree with you. It seems that I was meant to be alone, also! It makes me sad to realize this. Maybe I just need more time. My children are still rather young, so I will not be alone, physically...but emotionally, I feel Very alone! I pray for someone to talk to and share my feelings with, but as of now, it is only my children and me. I am sorry that somebody took advantage of you. It just isnt fair that you lost someone special to you, and then this happens. I dont understand how people can do things like that.