Oh Where, Oh Where Did My Beautiful Wife Go?

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Sharon,

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and support. You are right, this is a great site with caring people and I'm glad I found it!

I agree, it seems hard to find a purposeful life after being so intertwined with your spouse. I am also finding the same thing with people going on with their life. After only a month, people stopped asking me how I was doing..it's like they think you should be over it now or something. How I wish it worked like that! I first met Jeanne in 10th grade history class when we both got kicked out for talking. Geez, we were only 15!

I am so sorry for your loss, and I really hope the third year will give you even more good days.

Hugs,

Phil

[Where'dSheGo?]

Harry..Thanks so much for the kind words and suggestions. I did the same thing..bought 4 books on grieving, and I'm on the last book now. Some good ideas and guidelines in there. I know what you mean, you wander aimlessly and wonder why you're even doing what you're doing because it feel so strange doing this stuff by yourself.

I just found a support group through the hospice where Jeanne was. They meet 3 Thursdays a month. Went to one meeting and will see how it goes. At least it's all people in the same boat that knows what you're talking about.

You're pretty close to where I am being 4 months out and also being your wife at 56 years old. Were you married long?

I just passed 6 weeks and boy it's tough. If one more person says, just be glad you had all that time and memories, I'm going to scream! I'm missing the person too much right now to be happy with memories!! I too feel we will be together again, but like you said, it's not much consolation.

I'm also doing the little ritual stuff too, the walks, making the bed, the garden, eating better, shopping, and I agree, it's a good distraction. As long as you plug away without pressuring yourself... a little at a time. I just clean one or two rooms at a time. Her closet and dresser are loaded with stuff and is off limits. I don't want to feel like I'm completely wiping out her identity right now. Geez, there's even 4 bags of her clothes from hospice that are still sitting there!

I feel exactly like you do! The empty chair, bed, no one to tslk over breakfast, and yes...massaging her feet. Sounds weird, but I always told her she should have been a foot model. She had beautiful feet lol!

The hardest part for me is going to the cemetery. I think it's seeing the freshly dug soil there and realizing it's so final that really gets to me.

I guess we somehow have to eventually fill the half of us that's missing with our own new identity from what I hear?

Good to talk to you and continued improvement fo you!

Phil

[mlg]

Phil,

I am so glad you found this site. I didn't come on for almost 7 mos after Tom died, and between it and my local grief support, I don't know which one saved me the most.

I like you thought that when my dad (in my case) died that it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Little did I know it would be very very pale in comparison to the loss of my husband. The only other thing that I can imagine would hurt that bad would be the loss of a child or grandchild. I hope I never have to find out.

You are still so early in this journey. Just take one second, minute, hour, day, breath; whatever it takes to keep you going. Try to keep some normalcy in your life and keep as "normal" a routine as you can because this will give you a purpose to your day. Luckily I still worked 3 days a week because that is the only thing that helped me keep my sanity.

Isn't it amazing how similar a lot of our stories are? Tom too had been healthy and had his first complete physical in over 30 years including a colonoscopy 3 weeks before we got his diagnosis and 4 1/2 months later he was gone. He too had pain but very seldom complained and yet before this if he got a sniffle he was "dying".

I still cannot look to the future. I have to write everything on a calendar so I know what is going to happen. I don't know if it is because I don't want something to happen to break my heart again or what.

Don't let anyone try to tell you how to grieve. You have to do it in your own way. If they are worried that you are depressed because of some of your actions, please listen to them so you don't become a recluse. Your wife would not want that.

Good luck to you and keep coming back here. It is a real safe house and you can say anything any time and someone will probably respond.

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Mary Linda,

Thanks for the encouragement. Boy, we really do have alot in common on this site. You really got a double whammy with your Dad and husband. You seem to be making some progress with the support group and this site. That is good news. I can't believe your husband was gone after only 4 1/2 months! The shock of that is so overwhelming.

I like doing things around the house. It does get my mind off things a bit. I don't even mind cleaning the toilet bowls. That's not something we did together lol! I just try to remember how good a routine is. Like you say, it gives you some purpose, and it fills in your day.

The key to this whole thing seems to be staying positive. You can't get down too much.

Now comes my first holiday test. I will be going to my daughters house for Easter. Took over my wife's job and made the grandkids Easter baskets. I hope it goes smoothly.

Thanks again.

Phil

[HAP]

Dear Phil,

Sorry this took some time to get back to. The day school vacation started I caught the intestinal bug that has bouncing around school for the last month. Still feeling a bit under the weather, I'm afraid.

I made the mistake of opening a bag with Jane's hospital clothes in it a few weeks back. I know what you mean about not wanting to unpack. We were married 21 years, three months, and eight days and had gone out for three years before that. But the day is coming that I am going to face that. It is not going to be pretty, but there are people who can use her old clothes--and she would not want them sitting in a closet when there are people who are in need out there. Still, it won't be today--or likely even this week. And i will keep some things that had special meaning for us even when I get the courage to go deal with that.

Be glad your physical group meets that often. The group here is better for me most of the time because the other is so infrequent. And go even if it does seem weird. The live humans fulfill a different need than the electrons here--no offense folks, but virtual hugs are not as good as physical ones. I have been fortunate in the closeness of my friends and my niece who check in regularly and make sure I have not gone off the deep end.

The cemetery--yes that is brutal--still. But I found going there less frequently--I go once a week plus special occasions--the day of her death, our birthdays, special, private anniversaries--has eased that piece of it a bit. The visits are somehow less wrenching than going every day was. That she was buried in December after the ground was frozen--and has now sunken--does not help much. The soil collapsed under me one day in February, and that was pretty jarring. But going every day put a huge added weight on my emotions that I just could not deal with. I am still working and I have to be able to function like a real human being sometimes.

And with spring here...Monday I spent the day working in the yard on our flower gardens and tilling the vegetable garden--these were things we did together. Today we would have spent in Concord and Lexington, walking the Battle Road and remembering another life while we got ready for the final push to June--for one last time before retirement. Instead, I am here, planning a vegetable garden for one, trying to think out plans for a cutting garden and choosing plants for a memorial garden in the space we had planned for our next landscaping bed. What was supposed to be the victory lap to two long and rewarding/exhausting careers is turning into a slow and lonely grind of papers to correct and lessons to prepare. That the weather remains cold and unseasonably raw is no big help either.

But the daffodils are in bloom. The tulips are brightening. The mums we have nursed through the winter are sprouting. The lettuce is in the ground. The other plants for later in the season are growing under lights in the dining room. In a few days I will put up the portable green house on the deck that we use as a cold frame to start hardening off the early transplants. Today I will mix up the first sugar solutions for the hummingbird feeders--there was a ruby throated male sighting in Rhode Island just two days ago--so the early arrivals will have something to tide them over for the next few days.

The joy of it all will be muted for me. Jane's physical form is gone from the world. But the world will green and the birds will nest and sing, and I will, in that, find hope and a quantum of solace.

Hard as it will be, try to find some similar hope in the return of spring despite this grinding loss that seems to consume us all.

Harry

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Harry,

I may wash the bags of clothes from hospice soon, but she has a ton of clothes in her closet and her dresser droors, and also her jewelry that are gonna have to wait. Maybe a very long wait! Just can't deal with any of that at this point.

I still think of 10th grade history class 41 years ago when I first met Jeanne. Geez, it's ingrained in my mind.

I go to the cemetery once or twice a week. It's about 12 miles away, but it's on the way to all the stores and malls, so if I go shop for anything, I usually stop. I'm gonna stop back again Thursday or Friday with a nice Easter plant. Maybe some tulips or lilies or something colorful. It looks so bland there. Put a plant there last week and the deer ate it. They put the foundation in last week, and the headstone (for two) will be put in some time in May. Having two angels put on it. She loved angels. I put her angel fountains back out for the spring/summer in her wildflower garden, and it's starting to come alive. I just fed all the flowers and plants too. we bought a nice arbour last September, when she still had a little energy. It still looks good.

It looks so nice to see all her tulips and daffodils in bloom! It makes me sad, but also makes me happy.

Your vegetable garden sounds like it will be awesome!

I would think your cemetery would fix the ground where it sunk? Sounds like something they would do to make it right.

Like you say, the birds will sing, and the flowers will bloom and the world won't miss a beat, so we somehow have to adjust to spending our life without our wonderful other halves, and living with our painful broken hearts.

Phil

[HAP]

Dear Phil,

I have a longer piece i want to write of my own but I want to jot you a note here, too.

I finally washed her bathrobe last weekend, but her clothes from the hospital--those may take a while longer--a long while longer. But one never knows. I suddenly found myself moving furniture and shampooing the living room rug Wednesday night. Then this morning I finished rearranging the furniture in that room. The furniture is the same, but changing where things sit has given the room a different feel. It took more time--and way more energy--than I expected. But the room feels lighter--less burdened. The memories are still locked in each piece of furniture--but the memories are brighter--less gray--than they have been in that room. We really did live there most of every winter. Still some work to do there--I need to hang some pictures and buy a bookcase or something to put some tapes, cds, and dvds in where they will be less visible and more out of the way. But that gives me some more positive energy to work with.

I have a similar problem with vanishing plants at the cemetery. But the problem is not deer--it's people. Jane and I had a similar problem with flowers we put on the grave for her mother--they are buried in the same plot. We will all go there eventually. The problem is people stealing the plants off the grave. I put a blue pansy on there about a week ago. It was gone three days later. I put two lilies on there--one for her mother and one for her--and when I went by yesterday, they were gone. Other flowers are still there. Someone explain to me what kind of miscreant steals flowers off of graves.

The sinking of the ground happens a lot here in New England. Once the ground warms up a bit more they go around and top off all the winter graves. I'll give them a few more days before I go ask them to get it done sooner. They'll be happier getting there in their own time. They know their jobs and do them well--but with all the budget cuts they are running short-staffed. Sigh.

Be careful out there.

Harry

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Harry,

You sound like you're making some nice little progressions. Maybe small steps, but some progress with the clothes, furniture, etc. I guess the re-arranging gives you a brighter perspective on things, and like you say, brighter and less gray. It's surprising how doing this stuff knocks you out, right? A friend mentioned to me to move stuff around..I guess I'm just not at that point yet? I don't feel the need to do that for some reason yet, but maybe down the line I will as you did. I'm limited as to how I can place the furniture anyway, and that may have something to do with it lol! I can see down the road, I may want to brighten it up with a new bedspread or curtains or something though.

I can't believe people are so low as to steal plants from people's graves! All you can do is shake your head on that one. I put some nice Easter lilies and tulips there last week. Brightens it up a bit. Sometime in May, they will place the new headstone, and that should look nice with the angels and inscriptions on it.

Well, at least I got through my first holiday without Jeanne. That was a tough one.

Hope you have a good week.

Phil

[HAP]

Dear Phil,

There was one woman i met in my physical group who said she had given their bedroom set to her children very soon after her husband's death because she found it impossible to sleep in there without him. Pat of the reason i have moved stuff around has to do with that same kind of problem. I didn't want to cook in the kitchen because it stirred up too many memories i could not deal with. it was so bad I found myself looking for excuses to eat out. Given portion sizes etc., doing that was a really bad idea, so I had to do something so i could cook at home.

I have real trouble sleeping alone in this bedroom. I would have made changes here as well, except that we had planned to swap into a different room to sleep after we retired. To do that means doing painting and other projects I just don't have the time to do yet--or the energy.

I think everyone has different things they need to do to deal with this stuff. Some people need to leave everything as it is/was. Others need to redo everything. Others find middle ground somewhere. I don't quite know which group i belong in.

I just keep plugging at things. Jane's mantra was always, "Keep moving forward." I try to honor that as much as I can, but sometimes things are ahead--and sometimes they are behind as one translation of the Tao puts it.

Getting tired and beginning to babble. need to sign off before i stop making sense all together.

Harry

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Harry,

It's really interesting how people really do need to deal with things in different ways. I totally understand where you are coming from with the furniture and kitchen. You have to do what makes you feel better, and this obviously works for you.

I have had people offer to come over and help me move the furniture, change the curtains, etc...I guess it just makes me feel better leaving things as is. I find it comforting to still have Jeanne's touches all around the house. The empty bed is upsetting to me, but I felt just as bad staying over a friend's house and having one side of the bed empty. So it wouldn't matter if it was home or even a hotel bed.

The cooking was just a matter of me not having the desire or energy for 6 weeks. I ate out or had TV dinners. Now I cook just about every night.

Your wife had a good mantra. I think my wife's is similar. She always believed in doing whatever you wanted to do and don't let anything stop you.

Hope you are getting along ok.

Phil

[HAP]

Dear Phil,

Sorry i have not replied to this. My life has hit another rough patch that I posted on the end of Hummingbird.

I did major surgery on our bedroom today. I am hoping I will finally sleep better having done that.

You have not posted for a while. Are you OK? Or, like me, have you been trying to work things through?

Peace,

Harry

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Harry,

It's ok...I;m sure you are going through some battles. Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch right now. I will look for your post.

I hope, at least with the big moves you made in the bedroom, that it helps you out and gives you a calming presence. Sometimes that's all you need for a little springboard to get you going a bit.

I'm about the same as you. Just trying to work things out. 2 1/2 months out now, and I still can't believe all this happened! Mother's Day was another tough one, and I put a nice planter box of purple and yellow pansies at the grave. They look nice, and the deer don't like dining on them!

Talk to you soon...hope you are ok.

Phil

[HAP]

Dear Phil,

I am somewhat better than I have been, though still more down than I have been. I went to see someone's new baby with some friends after work this afternoon. I was feeling ok until I started for home and felt overwhelmed by the emptiness again. But Jane and I have been having a bit of a conversation tonight--and somehow that has lifted me back up a bit. We both viewed our lives in a peculiar way--that we had work to do here--which sounds strange as I write it but does not change the reality. She reminded me that everything happens for reasons we are not always privy to--and that the work still needs to get done. I can mope, but it does nothing to help others. I can weep and feel sorry for myself--or I can get off my butt and cure this disease, educate our students, educate the teachers that come after us, and educate the general public about what kids need so they can have better lives than we did. All but the first were the work we had before us--and that we had done for years. Adding that first one to the list just makes one more job to do.

The emptiness will be filled as I get back out into the world and do the work again. Our lives were full because we lived them in the service of others. I've been so caught up in my own agony that I have neglected a chunk of what made us us--and that made me me and her her before Jane and I met. So I have started building a team to do the Relay for Life next month, started to gear my mind up for the next writing assignment I have on my plate, and started to put out the feelers I need to to put together a new network to take on the other things left on both our joint and individual to-do lists.

You can tell she wasn't pulling many punches tonight. But we both believed in tough love when it was necessary. I know the pain is not going to go away. But I can choose whether or not I wallow in it. I won't stop grieving, but I can choose to start living again.As she reminded me again tonight, she is the one who now lacks a body on this earth. I still have one and I need to use it appropriately. I need to stop looking at what might have been and start dealing with what is. There is still so much to do--but it is the work we both felt we were born for. And when I finally go home, I want to be able to say I did all I could to make this world better for those who come after us.

Ted Kennedy said it very well: “The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream will never die." As soldiers in that fight, Jane and I sacrificed a great deal. Her body died because of her dedication to the ideal that every child deserved a quality education that was about more than discrete facts --that was also about a method of thinking and solving problems based on logic and evidence rather than wishful thinking and selective--often incorrect--information. Her death does not change the need for people to do that--it does not change the need for me to continue to teach people to do that.

Do not misunderstand me: I will continue to mourn this loss. It hurts more than I can say--but then you all know what that feels like. I will not, however, let this paralyze me any more than I have to. There are dreams that will have to go unexplored and unrealized because they required us both to undertake. But, to quote Tennyson in Ulysses:

Though much is taken, much abides; and though

We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Peace,

Harry

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Harry,

I know exactly what you mean with not feeling sorry for yourself too much. We know the right thing to do is to fight, try and cure this disease, do stuff our wives would have wanted us to do and continue doing, but the problem is getting the fire and motivation to do it! I am struggling with these same issues, and boy, it's tough. It's like you have to force yourself to do things, but I have to say I'm very glad when I do them. I recently planted some vegetables, and also worked a little in Jeanne's wildflower garden, and let me tell you it was tough talking myself into doing these things. I felt like I was just going through the motions! But now I look out the window and see the veggies and the flowers, and I feel good knowing it's done, and also knowing that it's what she would have wanted, and what we've always done. I find myself having these little talks with Jeanne just as you have talks with Jane. It helps to sort out the thoughts and get you in the right direction! We know them so well...better than they know themselves, that we realize what they definitely would have done in certain situations!

Now if only I could hold it together better at the cemetery, I think I will have made some progress. I'm joining a new physical support group made up of people with recent losses. The other one was good, but they were already 2 years along with their losses. This one is all people with recent losses like myself, and mine is only 10 weeks out now.

I read your story/bio, and it's a great story how you guys met! Kind of like the way Jeanne and I met getting kicked out of 10th grade history class for talking!

I had these beautiful memorial mementos made up. It looks like a big laminated bookmark, and the front has a saying, and the back has the beautiful obit that I wrote laminated onto the back. I gave these to friends, family, and the school district where Jeanne worked and everyone loved them.

Anyway, I'm going to write the saying/poem here that I had printed on the front of these mementos. You may have heard this one, but it's good to read now because it's exactly what we are talking about, which is staying positive and not wallowing.

Afterglow

I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.

I'd like to leave an Afterglow of smiles when day is done.

I'd like to leave an echo...Whispering softly down the ways of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.

I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun of happy memories that I leave behind when day is done.

The word of the week...wallowing...let's stop doing that as much as we can!

Have a good weekend.

Phil

[Kenman1]

I am so sorry!!! I am new here and lost the love of my life on Monday may 16th after a 3 1/2 year battle with colon cancer!! My God your wife went to soon!!! Now the realization that my true love is gone breaks my heart and kills my soul!! I was her caregiver until the end...and i held her as she died.Vicki was a fighter who never gave up and battled this thing to the very end!! All the while she was only concerned about me!!! How unselfish my wife was!! I will miss her always...she was my wife, my best friend, my lover and the only woman i have ever loved this much!!!

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Kenman1,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife! You are the first person here that is more recent than me with your loss, and I can really feel for you. My wife passed 11 weeks today, and I still wonder if this really happened. I wish I can say it's a litlle easier. It's actually worse because as the shock wears off, you think more about what is no more.

All you can do is know that you and your wife gave it your best and filled that room with love. I think the women are stronger than us men sometimes. My wife did the same thing...always asking if I'm ok, telling me to stay with the kids until I get on my feet, and telling me to see if the nurse has a ring on her finger because "you deserve to be happy". Unbelievable!

Were you married long? How old was your wife? When did you meet?

I hope you can find some comfort in this very early stage. Just breathe slow, eat, and sleep all you can!

Phil

[azbrian]

Hi Kenman1,

I am sorry for your loss.

Your wife's fight of 3 1/2 years is mind boggling to me, what a tough lady Vicki was.

This may sound strange but.........

After being in here several days I know I am now thankful that I did not have a decision in the 18 hours I did have and any other amount of time. I am glad (can't think of another word) that Ruth did not suffer longer than 18 hours.

Like everyone told me when I got here, this is a great group of people.

Type away whatever you need to type, there is no judgement here. I know, I have shared some things here I did not think I would ever in a forum and have only received support.

Take care,

[mfh]

Kenman1

I took care of my husband for 4 years and know how difficult it is when it all comes to an end. It is still shocking when that last breath is taken...I too held my husband at home as he died and the shock is huge. It has been 14 months this coming week and the shock is lifting and it is all becoming real. we all go through this differently but this group will hang in with you as you face this pain and loss. My husband was also one of those who ONLY thought of me to the end. I am relieved he no longer suffers but the hole left is gigantic. We are all here for you. mfh

[Dwaynecg]

Where She Go,

My wife had a very long illness wit MS, In the year 2000 for six months she was on IV medication ever day. I took of work to do the IV treatments. It was very hard because you see your loved one so sick and on top of that the IV medications made her even sicker.At the end of the IV treatments they did little to stop the progression of the MS. After time she came around again in better health. We had a lot of ups and downs through the years I always believed she could pull through anything. The end stage MS is exactly what its says I thought she would pull through. Her last meal she at was the kale soup I made, I always done the cooking for many years, because she just could not do it any more. I did not mind but after She passed away I still can not cook a homemade meal for my self. I can not even think about the close. Last week I got a call from Pauline's father, Pauline's passed away in 1995 from cancer. He asked me if I have someone sitting across the table to drink coffee with yet. I could not believe what he was saying it has not even been 3 months yet. I am making small steps but you just can not replace you best friend, soul mate,and wife in that short of time. I don't know if I will find anyone again. I have faith in God that he will led me down the right path and who knows he might have someone for me some time. It does help to have all these people to talk to and share with.

God Bless

Dwayne

[sunstreet]

Dear Where'd She Go,

Oh I am in tears and my heart is aching for you. I am just sorry for your loss. My wife took her own life, her death was sudden and unexpected. I applaud you for the care you gave, your stamina, your wife's stamina...oh I am at a loss for words. I don't know how I would have been had I had to care for my wife this way.

The pain of loosing our spouse is similar I believe; so I understand your pain. It has been over 7 years for me and I need to be honest here and say this is not something that you get over; what does happen with a lot of hard work; is you will learn to carry your loss and still be able to function in life and things that once interested you will become interesting again. You'll be able to smile again, laugh again.

I want to encourage you that yes it does get better and easier and you will not always be in this turbulent sea of pain. You never get over it: but you will be able to carry it and engage in life again.

I am sorry for the reason you came searching for us but I welcome you and can assure you that you have found a wonderfully safe and the most caring array of people I have ever known. I encourage you to keep talking, journaling, painting, any ways that fit for you to express your pain and give it out to the universe for to keep your pain within you is when it becomes more and more difficult to see any Light or any hope.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Kenman1,

I am so sorry for your loss. Oh dear Kenman1 I so understand when you say it breaks you heart and kills your soul. I know because I felt that too right after my wife died. It has been over 7 years for me now and I have learned that my soul did not die at all: it merely was shut down and blinded by all the pain. I had to learn to feed my soul in a new way; without my wife. I did learn and today my soul is alive and well. I encourage you to keep coming...keep talking...we all understand sadly so well the pain that you are in.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Carol Ann,

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You offer such helpful words of advice, and it's nice to know that although you never get over this, you can still function, and as you say, even enjoy the things you once did. Of course it doesn't seem like that now, but I'm sure in time, you will be right. It was hard enough getting through my first two holidays...Easter and Memorial Day, and I found myself just getting through them without damage.

I still shake my head every day and wonder if this all really happened! I like what you say about not keeping this bottled up. My new support group seems pretty helpful. It seems ironic that the people I know...friends AND family, who were so helpful for a month or so, now seem to think that you should be pretty much over this. You get the impression that they think you have issues if you're still thinking about this! They seem to think you just wipe the slate clean and turn the page! They don't have a clue.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your spouse. It is so sad to hear that. I don't know how I would have dealt with something so sudden and shocking. You have great fortitude to not only plug away, but to actually enjoy things again.

Thanks again.

Phil

[ksbeachbum]

Phil: I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. My heart goes out to you. My story is similiar... 18 months of cancer battle, first throat, (we thought we were cancer free) only to find out it came back with a vengance in his maxillary sinus and optic nerve. First surgery, two radiations and chemos within a year will take a tole on your body. He lost his left eye and hearing in the left ear before it started invading his cranial nerves. He was 54 and passed away 4/12/11 after I finally called in hospice for 4 days before he passed. He fought the whole way never complaining. We did PEG tube feedings 3 times a day for months to keep him alive. It was a horrific way to go and I would have done anything to change places with him. He was the love of my life and best friend. And it was so uplifting to know that you can have a wonderful loving relationship after a failed first marriage for both of us. We were Ying and Yang, Fred and Ginger and Abbott and Costello. Inseperable. Now I am alone and lonely. I hear it gets better with time but that sure doesn't help right now. Lots of tears, guilt, loneliness and existing in a life I'm not sure I want. I want to keep looking for the postive but some days it is hard. I plan on finding a support group soon and hoping it will help. My prayers are with you to get through this lonliness and despair and this support group will help.

Blessing to you.

Becky

ksbeachbum

[Guest mikaerin]

I have been told over and over and over again that our loved ones die while we are just away for a bit because it is simular to being in the bathroom They want it to be private. There was no mistake you going home to handle business briefly, She wanted it that way; to have a moment to slip away.

But I didn't have that I drove my husband to the doctor's not feeling well discussing where we were going to have dinner He had a heart attack in the office and was rushed to the hospital. I saw him for a moment with the doctor and then they took him to surgery He died in ICU I never had a moment to be with him conscience thru all that.

I grieve ever day and that was March 2010

Sudden loss is pure hell, truly

Lori

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Becky,

Your story really is very similar. What you both went through is very horrible. I think head and neck cancer has to be the worst. There is just so much going on in that area, and it is especially sensitive to the radiation. I read your bio and I think that squamous cell carcinoma is very vicious and aggressive. it is hard to believe that what we thought was just a tooth problem, did her in in just 11 months. Jeanne was never sick, but she used to say if you can get through your fifties, you have a good shot at living long as these things happen more around then.

We also had a second home...in South Carolina, that we got to use a few years. We were going to retire there. I'm going back in July and it's going to be very difficult seeing her things there.

I find myself feeling worse as the shock wears off and you can think more clearly about what happened...and what I don't have any more. I met Jeanne in 10th grade history class and it's sure empty without her. I think it will get worse for us before it gets better, so hold on tight and just hang in there! The first year of holidays is horrible, and I made it through Easter and Memorial day now. Definitely find a support group. Your hospice should have one, and it is very helpful being with people who are in the same boat as you and can understand what you are going through.

The loneliness is the worst, and you do think about and question whether you still have a life anymore. The hole is huge but we will somehow have to get through it! This website is great and the people here are awesome!

Phil