Oh Where, Oh Where Did My Beautiful Wife Go?

[Where'dSheGo?]

Wow..my beautiful wife of 35 years is gone after an 11 month battle with head and neck cancer. This was only a month ago. She was only 56 years old and wanted to live so badly and fought so valiantly. She thought she had an abcessed tooth, but it turned out to ba a very aggresive squamous cell carcinoma. She had a 6 hr surgery to remove the late stage 3 tumor and part of her gum, jawbone, a few teeth, and 24 lymph nodes, of which 2 were cancerous. They told her she would be fine after 33 radiation treatments and 2 high dose chemo treatments. we drove 71 miles each way, five days a week the whole summer.

She felt fine a month after treatments ended, and then all hell broke loose. They told her the cancer had metastecised. She developed radiation burns, scarring, pain...her throat started closing up from radiation scarring and we had to make use of her feeding tube. She had numerous breathing difficulties, I revived her with CPR one night after she completely went limp and stopped breathing, a few 911 calls and ambulance trips, and spent many days in the hospital. Her throat closed and she almost died there, and it took 2 hrs to get a breathing tube in her and they wanted to give up when they couldn't find her airway. I arrived in the middle of the night, not knowing if they were successful. Days later, they gave her a tracheostomy.

I did all of this care myself...6 tube feedings a day, all her pills crushed into the tube, changing bandages and cleansing her burns/cancer sores, and to my surprise, the trach care was a full time job in itself. Then there was the oxygen machine, moisture machine to keep the trach from clogging, nebulizer, oxygen tanks to lug in the car for more chemo treatments. After an ulcerated infection in her neck, she wound up in the hospital again for 3 weeks. The cancer was eating through her neck. They told us there was nothing left to do and that she should say good bye to everyone. We put her in hospice where the cancer completely ate right through her neck. You could fit a golf ball inside her neck. It also ate through her cheek and quickly working it's way around to the other side of her neck and collarbone.

To my amazement, she never once complained! We both gave it all we had, but after 37 days in hospice, she died. I had been sleeping/staying there 22 hrs a day, and only went home for 2 hrs to shower and get the mail. It was during this time that I was away that the cancer ate through her carotid artery, and she bled out in seconds. They all told me this was Jeanne's final gift to me. It happened soon after I left, and my final memory was telling her how much I loved her and kissing her and telling her that I would be back shortly.

The last 5 years we were in the best place in our lives. Being empty nesters, we were free to come and go at will, and were really enjoying life. She had endured more pain and suffering than I’ve ever seen anyone go through. I knew of her strong will, but her courage, strength, grace, perseverance and never complaining really amazed me. She was the strongest person I’ve ever known. I don't know how she took all those narcotics.

She was an easygoing, sweet, wonderful, happy woman who loved life, was very people oriented, and known for her infectious laugh, and her big brown eyes. She was very devoted to her family, especially her grandchildren, and loved spending time with her friends. We loved each other deeply and were inseperable. we did almost everything together. The whole school district where she worked showed up for her service.

I first met Jeanne in 10th grade history class. I got kicked out for talking to her, and she got kicked out for thinking it was funny. We walked the halls and got to know each other. This is how I first met this beautiful girl. She was a woman who was never sick a day in her life. She suffered tremendously and died a horrible death. My faith is really being tested. Both my daughters live out of state, so I don't see them that often. We had both just retired. I am so alone...I just got a handsome little Fox/Jack terrier 5 days ago, and he is a wonderful companion, but it's still very lonely. I was close to my mother, so I thought the pain would be similar when she died. It is nothing like it! This pain is horrible and crushing and enduring. I'm reading books on grieving and I hear it really DOES get better. Please, someone, tell me that it does!

[Dusky]

Dear Where'dSheGo,

I can tell you that it does in fact get better. However, right now there would be no way for you to be able to recognize that fact. My partner has now been gone nearly 6 years. Each "recovery" is different in length of time. And by recovery I do not mean that life is ever the same - it is just different. The loss of a spouse/partner/mate is a life time journey. For me I finally felt a differnce - a realization that I would survive - at the four year mark. By five years I knew I would survive. Before that I sometimes did not care if I lived or died.

Please know that you will survive this terrible loss - it just takes time. The fact that you are in such great pain is because you loved your wife so much. The terrible pain is a symbol of how much you loved her - wear that pain with pride. Cry when you want to. The pain and tears are signs of your great love.

Please visit my web site listed below. I beleive it will help you. There is also a link to the book I wrote after My Jack died. I beleive this would help you as well. My path to survival was reading and writing. We each find our our special path out of this pain. You will survive - it just takes time.

[jodo]

Dear Where'd she go,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious wife. Her story was so heartbreaking. I have been a member of this site for over a year now, but I hardly ever post because I just don't have the words.... This is one of those times, I wish I could say something to comfort you

I know many say that it gets "better" or easier, but for me that hasn't happened. I lost my wonderful Dad 15 months ago, and I am still a wreck - my grief is still as raw and painful as the first day. I can't imagine how painful it must be for you , losing the Love of your life.

I think you both were lucky to have each other for all the years you did, many never experience that kind of Love. I know that doesn't ease ANY pain, (people tell me all the time how lucky I was to have my Dad as long as I did, but it wasn't LONG ENOUGH )

You will find SO much Love and support on this site, especially from others who have lost a husband or wife. I know it has been a literal "lifesaver" to be able to come here, and to realize that I'm not alone in all the crazy emotions that I experience.

I will look forward to reading more of your posts, and I, and many others will always be here for you.

I wish you Peace and comfort.

Jodi

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Dusky...Thanks for the reply and the kind words. I've heard it takes two to three years to start feeling better, but I am coming across people who I see take many years to feel better. The fact that it's taken you five to six years speaks volumes. I guess I am in for the long haul. When you're dealt a terrible hand you can either play or fold, right? I guess I have to play the hand.

I will take a look at your website. The book sounds interesting.

[Susie Q]

Dear Where'dSheGo

I am so sorry that you both went through so very much and I know the agonising hurt you are feeling now. Although it doesn't seem possible at this time you will find a way to live with your great loss and the loss of the future you worked so hard to achieve together. All of us here on this site have stood in your shoes and know that it takes a long time to find your way out of the overwhelming despair. For me it took 6 months at home to think through the past and to even see the posibility of a future and 12 months after that to start to believe that I just might be able to survive his loss and continue in some functioning way.

Do what you have to do to get through each hour and the days will eventually take care of themselves. I wish you some comfort in the times ahead...Susie Q

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Jodi,

Thank you for your very kind thoughts and words. You HAVE said things to comfort me. Your Dad must have been a wonderful man for you to care so deeply for him. 15 months and you are still in so much pain.

I first met my wife in 10th grade history class. We started chatting and the teacher kicked me out. She started giggling and he asked her if she thought it was funny. She nodded yes, and he told her to leave also. We walked the halls and got to know each other! I should have invited him to the wedding.

Yes...I'm glad I found this site. Seems like many supportive people on here. It's good to be in the same boat with other people, so we can keep each other afloat.

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Susie Q,

Thanks...you offer good advice and encouragement. I think breaking it down by the hour seems like a good idea. It feels so long and torturous after only a month. I'm thinking how could I feel so lame after a month, but after you say it took you 6 months just to think you could possibly have a future, I don't feel so bad I guess.

Thanks again.

[Deb625]

I'm so sorry for the your loss of your wife, what a powerful love you had. I'm also sorry you have joined this group that no one wants to be a member of, but are so glad you found us. I lost My Michael almost 11 months ago and looking back at my own journey, I know I don't even remember the first 3 months, the pain was unbearable and I lived in shock and in a fog of "this can't have really happened", I remember little of the first 6 months - I know I should have bought stocks in Kleenex... As I head towards my first year without Michael at my side, I still cry everyday - however, the days where I physically collapse in grief and cry my heart out in deep wrenching sobs have subsided. I feel when Michael died, I was a baby, helpless and only surviving with the support of family, friends and this group ... I'm now learning to crawl. It is a long journey, one you didn't choose to be on, it has no map and all you can do is take it one day at a time and if needed, one breath at a time, by keeping one foot in front of the other... Be gentle with yourself, drink lots of water, eat when you can, sleep when you can - the loss of your life partner, your soul-mate is something you will get through (not over), there is no time-line, it is just something you will come through by keeping one foot in front of the other. Feel free to tell us about the good times you and your wife had and tell us when you're sad, we're here to listen and we understand. Take care, Deb

[mfh]

I am so very sorry for your loss and for all you both went through previous to that. My Bill died 1 year ago last week. I don't even remember the six months after his death...it is all a blur with only spotted memories. The grief comes in waves....some knocking you off your feet as your back is to the ocean of grief and you can't see the waves coming. Some roll in and past you but all are difficult. You get ambushed by tiny things like finding a piece of jewelry or a coffee mug...and big things also. You have to be patient with yourself, just be wherever you are....if you are weeping...weep. If you happen to have a smile...smile for it will pass into tears soon enough. I won't tell you it gets better because it is different for everyone. I weep daily...at the drop of a pin....I wish you some moments of distraction. MFH

[Daughter2010]

Dear Where'dSheGo,

I am so sorry for your loss. The love you and your wife shared is quite remarkable. It reminds me of my parents love. My father passed away 17 months ago from gastric cancer and like you, we fought it to the end. You may be feeling out of place, with your wife being gone from this earth. The first few months if not the first year seems a blur. For me it is only until now that I feel like I am waking up from a dream, getting out of the fog. You just feel so out of place, trying to grasp the reality of what happened, almost like watching the events happen in a movie...so surreal.

Dad's passing has been tough on everyone in my family, but mom grieves for my dad in such deep way. Like you, they met when she was 15 and he was 20. Dated, and 5 yrs later got married. They stayed married for 33 years until the Lord decided to call dad home. Like your wife, my father was never one to get sick, he was the healthy one in the family, practiced sports, rode his bike, ate well. Dad was so strong in the middle of his sickness. Your story reminds me so much of what my father went through. You speak of your faith being tested, mine was. There were so many questions, many facts out there about what was happening, and yet I was struggling to understand how we would get through this. The truth is, there is no set time table on grief, and we all react to it differently. There is no manual on what to do with grief, or what to expect. The first couple of months I could not understand what was happening to me. The anxiety, feeling out of place, misunderstood, etc...all of that felt so new to me and I had no idea how to deal with it. The first week after dad passed, I would come home from work and cry inconsolably, feeling such a pain in my heart (literally), like if something shattered inside me. Thank God I found this site, and I was able to understand I was not alone in what I felt. People could relate to me, and that gave me a tiny bit of comfort in the middle of my loss.

You ask about what to expect, or how long will you feel like that. The answer is I don't know, but what I do know is that it will get better, eventually. For now, give yourself time to cry if you need to, or yell or release the pain inside you. To get better, you must grieve. Losing a loved one is something you don't get over but rather learn to live with. The pain changes, it eventually becomes bearable.

Is there hope? yes there is. From my personal journey I have learned that the Lord has never left me, He has walked with me and even though you may not see it now, you will get to the other side. Don't get me wrong, getting through doesn't mean getting over something like this. I still cry, I still remember the good times and times of difficulty. Going to hospitals, being there for my father, all of it. He will always be with me and I will keep him in my heart, I am my father's daughter after all.

Feel free to come by and vent about anything, we are here to listen to you and provide support any way possible. Hugs for you.

Hang in there,

-L

[Lainey]

I can't even begin to imagine the pain your poor wife must have gone through during her battle . I am so, so sorry for you also to have gone through this.You have found a wonderful site, we have all been there,are still there.All of the people on this site have been such a help to me, hopefully you will feel the same.

The pain does decrease ever so slowly.The first six months are a complete blur, I did things to the house that needed doing, and kept my mind occupied with cleaning out Lars' things. I'm now into my sixteeth month and beginning to believe that the second year is harder.

Every day will bring new pain and sorrow, as deb and mfh said.. do what is best for you. Cry when you need to, it is the best healer in the world. Look after your health, this is the toughest journey you will ever be on and you truly need your strength. Sleep as much as you can to heal, and if you can without it hurting too much , think of the wonderful memories you and your wife made together.

Feel free to post as often as you like, we'll be here to listen and maybe help.

Lainey

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Deb,

Thanks so much for your support and guidance. It's so good to hear all these different points of views on this site. I guess I have a long way to go being a month out from what I've been reading here. At least I know what to expect down the road. I still shake my head often and say, "did this really happen"? I knew her for 41 years and we were married for 35.

She felt pretty good the month after her treatments ended, and we even went to the mall and bought ourselves new wedding rings! Then it all went wrong. Jeanne was a very selfless person that touched everyone she met. She wanted to work 2 more years, but was forced to retire after a 30 year career. Now she won't even be around to enjoy her retirement or her pension. She also had a 1 and a 2 year old grandson, and a 4 month old granddaughter that she loved dearly.

She couldn't talk the last 3 months because of her trach and her windpipe was closed, so she used to write everything down on a dry erase board. She wrote some very funny stuff on there! the last two weeks of her life, when she was too weak and disoriented to write on the board, she communicated to me with her eyebrows! I will never forget one day I asked her if she felt ok, and she raised her eyebrows for a yes. Then I told her I loved her, and she raised them twice! I busted out laughing!

I hope you continue to make progress after losing Michael. It is such a horrible road to be on.

Phil

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi MFH,

Thanks for the reply and the nice thoughts. I know exactly what you mean...reminders everywhere. I can't even buy a shirt, they're all stores we used to shop in. I look out the bathroom or kitchen window and I see her wildflower garden. Sheesh! It's so tough.

People tell me to keep busy...I find it worse. I went to see a friend and his girlfriend for the weekend to get away a bit, a 2 hr 45 min drive. We went to a restaurant and it was so weird to have the seat next to me empty. Then we go to a shopping village...there was only one chain store there, a big fat Chico's, her favorite clothing store! You can't win. I think I'm better off staying home with a beer and watching the ballgame!

I'm glad you got through the first year without Bill, and I hope you can continue to make some progress.

Phil

[Guest Nicholas]

I hope you are able to find comfort in the posts of others who have also - and continue - to grieve.

I lost both my parents at a youngish age to cancer, but I didn't have to look after them; and in December I lost my beloved son.

Time certainly healed as far as my parents are concerned, I also hope this is the case with my son, and with you too.

There are many good books and articles that can help, as well as the advice of people on here.

Nicholas

[nats]

Where'dSheGo,

I send my prayers and thoughts out to you...it does get to where you "heal" as time permits, some of do indeed "heal" faster or maybe not faster differant than others, for me I find I must have a be around positive energy to thrive and continue, I know at this point you may not see the positve energy any where in sight but with time and patience it will/can come...take it slow and at your pace, eat and rest when you can as Lainey mentioned and come here often this is a wonderful place where we are all on the same journey and you will find many answers here, some you'll find when you are not even looking....

May God Be With You

NATS

[mfh]

Phil, I think we all need to get out of the house and balance staying home with some activity. Volunteer work is good as it distracts and helps but you are just so new to all this that you might consider taking an hour or day at a time. Just ask yourself what you need right now....It is just different for everyone. Bill and I were very very close...we worked together, lived and loved together and even motor homed together for two years...so a part of me has died with him. Take it slow...don't make long term plans right now...just get through the days at YOUR pace but do think about getting out a few times a week to be with people. mfh

[kayc]

Where'dSheGo,

I read your story, and I can only say I am so sorry for your loss, for all that she suffered, and yes, it is unlike any other loss, it is all encompassing. Both of you had such strength and courage, it is amazing, but at the time, I guess there really is no option. Please keep coming here and posting, it helps to know there are others going through similar journeys, and especially to know there are others who have survived it. Marty put it so aptly once when she said we continue to miss them but we get better at coping with it...how true. At first it takes your breath away and you just don't know how you can survive it...but you do, one day at a time. I pray your little dog will be of immense solace to you, just as mine is to me. Outside of George, I can't imagine a better companion than my Arlie (1/2 Siberian Husky, 1/2 Golden Retriever).

I took care of my MIL the last nearly three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer, and amazingly enough, she never complained either, even though the cancer literally ate through her body, devouring her organs, one at a time. It is the worst thing I've ever had to watch and I'd have given anything to have been able to spare her that battle, but she did so stoically.

[Where'dSheGo?]

Dear L,

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and insight. I'm sorry you and also your Mom are also going through so much pain. Sounds to me like you had a very special bond with your Dad. It does seem surreal. I still wonder, did this really happen?

It's so much harder when someone is not sick or old. You are just humming along in life and then zap, it comes out of nowhere. We were just starting to really have fun, getting out alot, we bought a new vacation place, 3 beautiful new grandchildren...it's so horrible.

I still wonder how Jeanne never complained about anything or showed any fear. She had such an agressive and painful cancer, but she was very selfless so I guess she didn't want to upset anyone.

I hope you feel a little better every day. Hugs to you also.

P

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Lainey,

Thanks so much for your wonderful insight and ideas. I still wonder how the hell this happened. It all startred when her gum felt weird and she thought it was just a tooth problem. 11 months later she was gone. This cancer defied surgery, radiation and chemo.

It was very aggressive. I remember near the end, it started to creep around to the good side of her jaw. There were red marks in the morning, by evening they were black, and by the next morning when I awoke at hospice, it was eating right through her skin. I don't know how she smiled right to the end?

Trying to take it easy and get the extra sleep like you suggest. I can't seem to put back the 12 pounds (alot for me) I lost.

I hope you can gain some ground and things get a little easier for you.

P

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Nicholas,

Thanks so much for the kind words.

I am so sorry about your son, you must be in so much pain. I also hope it gets better for both of us. It's the most horrible thing ever, especially when people pass that are younger.

This is a very supportive site. Talk to you soon.

P

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi Nats,

Thanks so much for the prayers and kind words. I have already found some fantastic insight on this website. Between that and the books on grief I am reading, I think it will help. I am also gonna try this week the support group for the hospice where Jeanne was. It's worth a try. One day at a time, right?

Thanks again.

P

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi MFH,

I think that's a good idea...a nice slow pace. I wish I could put back the weight I lost from all this stress... maybe soon.

I have been getting out some, and even visited some friends. It really is a good distraction.

It sounds like you and Bill were very close. It must be so painful for you also.

Thanks.

P

[Where'dSheGo?]

Hi KayC,

Boy you are not kidding, it's unlike any other loss...so different. It really does take your breath away. Daughter2010 mentioned how her heart actually aches. I agree with that. It actually feel like it's going to literally break from the pain. It's crazy how it just stays with you every day that you wake up.

Your dog sounds awesome. My little guy is keeping me great company. It's good to go for long walks with him also. They are so healing to us!

Thanks.

P

[Sharon3]

Your story is heart wrenchlng.......I am so sorry for what you both endured. There is no easy way through this journey but the most comforting thing for me was to know I wasn't going crazy..........my life was being validated on this site by people who had lost their spouse and knew the pain of this. I also did one on one counselling for about 9 months It has been 25 months for me and I am having more good days than bad but it is not the life I thought I would have and it takes tremendous effort to try and make a life that you can actually be happy with and have a purposeful life. I find that everyone goes on with their life, no one ever asks how you are doing and people fall off when you are no longer a couple....so it is hard. I recently experienced a health issue and was hospitalized and realized the "firsts" are never done. It will be a lifetime of "firsts" without my husband and I have to accept that. One day at a time and one step in front of another....don't look too far ahead, try to just get by and live in the moment...for me that helped...........

[HAP]

Your story moved me to tears. My wife was also 56 when she died just over four months ago. For the first three months I was completely numb. I went through the daily motions, but slept poorly--and dreamed not at all.

Then the waves of grief hit one weekend. I could not stand to be in the house. I went to a local mall and walked aimlessly for hours. i went into a book store and stared at the shelves and finally convinced myself that buying a book on grief was a necessary evil--I hate self-help books. They seemed such a cop-out at one time.

I had found a physical grief group, but they met only once a month--and the tsunamis always hit at times no one in the physical world was really available--1-2 a.m. A voice in my head said to see if there was a grief group online somewhere--and here I am.

I wish I could tell you things are going to get radically better for you in a hurry. I can't. My wife and I both see these bodies as mere vessels for our souls to journey in. And neither of us saw how awful this grief was going to be--especially given how we both viewed life and death. I know she is off building her new body. I know we will be together again. But none of that brings much relief or consolation.

But things are getting better. I visit this site daily. Every day there is inspiration here. I try to post here every day, but the last two weeks the real world has intervened with responsibilities I have had to honor. I teach and grades were due Tuesday. I have felt myself slipping back into a place I do not want to go as a result. Every day needs some space and time in it for grief and the self. It is a hard lesson I am still learning.

Each morning I try too read a little when I first get up. The book I bought has one entry for each day. I try to hold that idea in my mind for the day--try to act on that experience or that knowledge--try to see the world through a different set of eyes. Some days that works better than others.

One thing i have found that seems to help me is making a conscious effort to keep doing the little things I am tempted to give up doing: making the bed, remembering to eat three good meals a day, making the shopping list, cleaning the house--at least at the surface level--getting into the closets is still just a bit too scary--getting up and going to work, talking to people, going for a walk every day, working in the garden, trying to be kind--because I can never know the burdens others are carrying. I fail at all of these things sometimes. Facing this house and all the work it entails--let alone the memories it contains--all alone gets overwhelming sometimes. But someone said to me early on that keeping up those rituals would help to keep me sane--or at least I would be less likely to get depressed over how the house looked on top of the depression of missing my wife. I do not know if that has been entirely the case, but I had to let some of those things go the last two weeks--and tonight was a bit overwhelming when I saw how much work i was going to have to do to get those chores caught up. I did them anyway--and feel a bit better as a result.

When my wife was in the hospital one of the things she said to me was that she did not want to know about the past--that she wanted to keep moving forward. That we failed to keep her body alive despite constantly trying to move forward in no way diminishes the wisdom of that idea. I try constantly to do things that will move me forward through these trying days. I read the posts of the people who have been here longer and I can see that they were once where I am now--and that even though they may not feel like they are making progress sometimes, they are moving forward. And that gives me the confidence to believe that I will one day be where they are--that while the pain may stay with me for the long term--that I will increasingly be able to cope with it better.

I can't tell you whether any of my rituals and efforts will work for you. The other thing I am learning here is how different the paths we are all on are--despite the fact we are all suffering from the same problem: the person who defined a half or more of who we are is gone--the other half of the bed is empty--the person we talked with at breakfast--whose feet we massaged at the end of the day--is no longer here. The physical companionship is over. The spiritual companionship continues. The emotional ties are still there. But it just isn't the same.

Still, you have come to a good place that can help you to heal your soul. None of us wants to be here. But we are all glad we have met each other.

Sit down and be welcome.

Harry