MartyT Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Sad, it's good to hear from you ~ in whatever way that works for you. It's very reassuring for the rest of us that you check in with us every now and then. Otherwise we worry so about you. You are a valued and important member of our GH family, and we miss you when we haven't heard from you in a while ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Hi Sad, I am so glad you posted. YOU are NEVER wasting anyone's time. I post stuff a lot that I would think folks are tired of but no one ever is. We all do. that is the purpose of this site..to turn to people who understand. So keep on posting and when you are feeling down, which is always I know, write about that if you wish. You will get support..guaranteed. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Sad, I'm glad you posted, we worry when we don't hear from you. It doesn't waste our time, it's why we're here, we're all supportive of each other. I know you don't feel you're contributing to us, but that will come, right now it's taking all you can do to just breathe. Please hang in there and know there are others who care and understand. I know you're still sad, that's to be expected, it takes time to feel improvement and then it's hard to see in yourself. Please keep posting... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted June 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 Well, here I am again. It's been over 2 months and I think things are getting worse. I cry from the time I get out of bed to the time I go to bed. Then I toss and turn for hours, crying, thinking. I am alone all day, every day. I feel like it's not worth it to go on with this agony. I am desperate for love from anyone. For someone who really cares and knows what I am going through. I wish I had someone in my family that was here with me, but everyone is dead. I'm wishing more and more that I will die. I pray to God every night and day to please take me. I don't want to have to do it myself. I've been told that I'll never see heaven if I commit suicide, but I don't think God would deny me that. I need to be with my Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Margaret. Please don't get mad at me for not posting often and then getting on here and talking like this. I am at my lowest low and I don't think there is hope for me. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 Dear Sad, I am glad to see you post. I understand crying all day every day. I did that also but it DOES get better...not great but better. It sounds like you need to get out of the house. Do you have a job? If so, does it help to be distracted a bit by your job? If not, perhaps a part time job or volunteer work somewhere just to get you out of the house. I find that getting out distracts me a bit and helps me make it through the days. You might have to push yourself hard to do it but it might pay off. Have you found a support group where you can meet people face to face? I don't mean to bombard you with fixes because I KNOW nothing fixes this but just some distractions and perhaps a bit of face to face support. I am so sorry you have had so much loss. No one here will be mad at you but we are concerned that you get some support and perhaps get out a bit. I barely remember the first few months after Bill died. It is not a good time to make any decisions. It is a time to get through the fog and get some support. I do hope you will think about that. It makes a difference. Is there a Hospice Center near you? I do not know where you are or I would look for you. I hope you can find a moment of peace today. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 Dear Sad, Mary has been a big help for me with many good suggestions that has help me through my rough times. As a Christian I have my beliefs and I wish I could be there and take you out. It really does help to get out and see other people. Just a walk a day has helped me a lot. God has more plans for you here, we do not know what they are. He will help you through you life if you let him in. Please keep posting and we are all here for you. Sometimes reading other peoples trouble can help you to help them through this grieving we all have to go through. I read just this last week about Harry and the Humming birds. I got a lot out of reading that and I know the pain he felt finding the little nest that his wife was not able to have seen. Then it reminded me of growing up in Colorado and having all the Humming birds around. There were hundreds of them and the joy a little wonder of the world, can bring so much joy to watch them. I will be praying for you Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 Sad, we will not get mad at you, I assure you. We have all felt like this at times. I can assure you that if you give it enough time and effort, you won't always feel exactly as you do right now at this moment, but if you take your life. you will not give time a chance to work it's wonders in you, you will not give anything a chance to change for you. Right now I lost my job, am in danger of losing my home, fell twice in the last week, breaking my nose, damaging my teeth, many bruises and cuts, and broke my elbow. I don't have anyone here to help me and am well aware that I am alone. But I cannot despair because I know that time heals most wounds, even to some extent, those of the heart, and who knows what future I might have left? Maybe someday I really will have grandchildren. Maybe someday I will be in assisted living and make a lot of friends there and be able to cheer up someone else's day. Maybe someday I will get a good job. Maybe someday... Maybe not. But if I don't stick around, I won't see what there is. I know it will never be like it was with George. That phase of my life is gone, all that is left are some wonderful memories. But for the rest of my life I will carry the knowledge that someone (George) loved me. And I hold that to me. Won't you please give it a chance to see what might come? It may not be swift and it may not be what you had but that doesn't mean it's all over and there will never be anything there for you. And you have us to talk to, we're here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted June 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 Thanks for all your support. I really need it and it does help somewhat. And KayC, you are an wonderful person to be posting on here to help others when you are having such a hard time yourself. I hope all your brokens bones and bruises heal ok. I also hope you find another job so you can keep your house. Thanks again to all who post to me. Someday maybe I can do the same for you and others who are grieving. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 Hi sad It is always good to see your posts. You do not realize that you are giving to all of us right now in many ways. One of them is that you reflect so many of our feelings...we have all felt the way you do at times and still do. You also give us a chance to reach out...when we can. yesterday I could not reach out. I hit the wall. Today, in all your pain, you reached out to KayC.... Just keep posting and keep in touch and it helps. Yesterday I had to come in desperation to the board. Today I feel a bit better. But it was so good to know people are here who get it, who understand....and do not judge. Always glad to see your posts. We are all sad. We are also all strong...and so are you. You are walking the walk with us. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 Sad, You are already helping by posting honestly, it lets others know they are not alone and their feelings are normal. We're all in this together When I lost my husband this site was a lifesaver, I can never begin to pay back what I have received here. Some people have wondered why I would still be here after all these years, well for one thing I want to help others as I have been helped for another, I have continued to suffer losses and still need this site and for another, I feel so close to all of those here, both new and old, and I don't want to lose those friendships. This place means the world to me. I feel God in His loving kindness directed me here very soon after George died and I am forever grateful. You will get through this, just keep coming here and posting, and don't lose hope. Sometimes we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel but it's there all the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted July 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 Another day of nothingness, meaningless existence. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 2, 2011 Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 Hi sad, You wrote: Another day of nothingness, meaningless existence. Believe me all of us have felt that way and still do too often. When the most important person in our world is gone...life can feel meaningless. I surely have felt that way and the emptiness I feel too often is so difficult. I am so glad you checked in. I am wondering what your days are like? I mean how do you spend your time? Do you have a job? I am not asking so I can advise you but rather because I want to know you better. Over time we tend to get to know each other here and we learn what each others' days and lives are like. I am semi-retired and I publish a local magazine which has helped distract me, keep me out of trouble, for moments as I live with this horrific pain. I can get engrossed in it and it helps. I do not find joy in it as I once did but at least it distracts me. Bill was the love of my life. We were as close as two people can be....our hearts beat as one. We had no children as i was 46 when we married. We were married for what would have been 25 years last week. Bill had two daughters who had a difficult time with his divorce and the relationship was always strained. Now it is absent which is fine with me. I have a dog named Bentley who is 8 and who misses Bill a lot. I hope to get to know you better also. I hope you have just one moment of peace tomorrow, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksbeachbum Posted July 2, 2011 Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 Mary said it very quite well. I began working(or I should say vounteering, we are exchanging services) for a pet grooming parlor in the mornings. It gets me out of bed, up and for four hours a day I am dealing with pets and it is a very necessary distraction from my pain. The bonus, I get to take my two dogs with me to work. It really is a blessing even though the appeal of cleaning dogs rear ends has left, it gives me something to look forward to do and I get some laughs during the day. The owner, who wasn't necessarily a close friend, has become a ray of sunshine in my life. Who would of thought my dog groomer would be the person that gets me through this. She lets me cry when I need too, is there to hug me when needed and lets me take off when I have appt. etc. I think my husband would be pleased about it, as I had talked of maybe being interested in this when I retired. I know he is looking down on me and smiling. Sad, what I'm trying to say is that we are all too experienced in how loss is so painful and even the smallest human contact a few hours a day can ease the pain. We are all here to help each other and we all want to help you. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. We care. Blessing and peace Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted July 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 Ok, about me. I retired 2 years ago at 57. I had 30 plus years in and I was ready to have fun. Margaret retired a few years back and we talked about this time and how we'd go antiquing, flea marketing, auctioning, etc. as that is what we both liked. She lost all her family recently and had no one but me. I lost my family years ago and had no one except my friends. Margaret moved into my finished basement some 15 years ago after her divorce. She brought everything she owned including all her cats. Well, now she's gone, I still have all her stuff, and her 8 cats. We promised each other that whoever died first, the other would care for all the cats. I have 3. Now I have 11 cats, whom I love very much, but at times is very overwhelming. Her cats live in the basement because they would fight if I mixed them. I have to go downstairs many times a day to care for them and when I do the feelings I get going into her areas are so depressing for me. I try to spend time with them as they are very social and I feel sorry for them. Right now my days are lonely, empty, quiet, boring, depressing, wasted, and meaningless. I won't answer my phone. I have a couple of friends that call to check on me and I don't want to talk to them. One told me straight out to "get over it" and the other just doesn't understand my pain. So I spend my days in silence, thinking. I can't or won't go to any of the places Margaret and I used to go because I can't. I am at a loss of what to do. I feel so lost, insignificant, and useless. My best friend in the world of all time has died and I can't cope with it. Thanks everyone for caring and your posts. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted July 2, 2011 Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 Dear Sad, Just a couple days ago I had, one of the worst days I have had after Pauline's passing. I turned to this God loving place. I felt like I was losing Pauline all over again because of a close family member. It was Kay and Mary who lifted me back up to just keeping forward. I did not sleep all night because of what had happened. MartyT very kindly wrote to me and told me that I have to take care of me. I got so much support from here and it felt good. Like you I do not get out as much as I want. Pauline and I loved antiquing also we had to stop many years ago because of her MS. Please never give up or give in we are all here for you. If you want I will give you my number you can call anytime. God still has plans for us. He did not like my plans at first. So I got very sick and still with a health problem. I found I need to help my friend Greg. Pain or not I went to his house and found breaking down. A car had hit him on his motorcycle. It will take months for him to heal. A lot like, me in time we will get better but never forget our loved one. I trust in God and the path he has taken me on. Please just keep coming back and say whatever you feel. My God Bless, you and ease your pain and give you peace. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 3, 2011 Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 Sad, thank you so much for sharing your story. I knew about the cats and of course about Margaret's death. I am just so sorry that you are so alone. It would be so good if you joined a support group or volunteered somewhere...just to meet some new people who would not say, "get over it" and who might be understanding. I hope you can consider that. I also had an idea about the cats. (I have friends with cats and know how mixing them can be an issue). I wonder about mixing them one at a time so over weeks or months they become one group. Just a thought. I am aware that people quit asking how I am months ago. Unless I bring it up with most friends, no one asks. It is over. If any of them ever lose someone really close, they will then understand. Do you live in a big city, small town or the country? I really really hope you can begin to get out every day for a while. If you want some ideas I will share some but I do not want to give you advice unless you really want it. I do not like it when people try to "fix" my pain so I won't try to "fix" yours. No one can do that. Do stay aboard this grief train. People here really care and it is at least some contact. It does not replace face to face but it is better than none. Keep in touch. We care. We are all grieving, crying, feeling emptiness...tons of it. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 3, 2011 Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 Sad, I'm glad you opened up to us. I encourage you to reach out to others rather than remain in isolation because once you're there, it's hard to change it, trust me, I know. This is the hardest journey there is and unless one has been there, the really just can't know what it's like. There's been times I've felt no one cared and it was all so hopeless and if it wasn't for my pets that needed me, I'd hate to think where I'd be. This weekend my son has been out searching for a missing friend, it's been on the news here, his name is Steve Dickerson and we're all concerned that he may have taken his life, so far no one has found him, just his truck, a back pack and a note. He's only 32 years old and found nothing to live for. That is so sad! His family will never get over this and we hope and pray it is not what it appears. There are always people who care, sometimes they just don't convey it when they should. I hope and pray you will find reason to live, and more than that, happiness on down the road. I know it takes time and I know it's unimaginable right now, believe me I know, it's been a long time for me and I've keep trying, but I hope at some point we all find not only reason to live but true joy again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pilla Posted July 3, 2011 Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 Sad, I have been crying while reading this series of posts. Every week, every day, I have to decide whether to get up and take care of things. Every day, I do. But now it's a weekend. That's when I allow myself to come here. Everyone's posts remind me of things that have happened to me, feelings that I have had. Human contact - some of my coworkers have never mentioned Ed's death. But my next-door neighbors, whom I barely knew, have surprised me. After weeks, I finally steeled myself to ring their doorbell and tell them about Ed. They had been taking care of his pepper plant. To my dismay, I broke down as soon as I said anything. They invited me in for tea. They never ring my doorbell, but they are always welcoming and helpful when I ring theirs. Who knows where the good people are? I smiled at your cats. One of the first things I did to occupy my evenings was volunteer at a cat shelter. The cats are under and on top of the furniture. Most won't let me pet them, but I like dangling my keys in front of them. They lie on their backs and bat at them, or pounce as I drag them across the floor. It's good that you have her cats, isn't it? Hugs, Pilla Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted July 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2011 First of all, I want to thank each one of you for caring enough to post. That means a lot. Dwayne, it's sweet of you to offer your phone number, but you live in Mass. and I'm in Ohio. That's long distance unless you have a cell phone which I do not. Thanks for the offer though. Pilla, my neighbor is a therapist by trade. I told her about Margaret right away. She came over and we talked for a while. I haven't seen her since. She moved nexed door about 6 years ago and didn't want anything to do with us from the start. We gave her a welcoming basket, invited her over to my house many times which she declined. She saw my pain, my anguish. She asked me if Margaret and I were lovers. Margaret and I were as close as sisters, but we were not gay. Many people have asked us that question because we were always together. Anyway, I know my neighbor doesn't give a hoot about me and I'm not going to beg someone to be my friend. On the other side is an empty house, so no neighbor there. Kay, you are a wonderful person as I have stated. Very concerned about others. Too bad we don't live closer to each other. At least you do have a son, or maybe more children that can comfort you. That's really a blessing. Mary, I feel a sisterhood with you. We have no children, just ourselves and our friends to comfort us. I never had kids, although I wanted them. I just never settled down with the right guy, who never came along. Guys come and go and so does time. Now I'm alone except for the friends I have left. As I told you guys, they just don't get it and they don't understand. I have to deal with this alone as I've always dealt with any death. I guess that's just how I know how to cope, which you know I'm not doing too well. It does help knowing I'm not alone in this hellish journey. I have you guys with me. Mary, I would like suggestions from you about what I can do. Anything anyone can suggest is welcomed. I need anything I can get from you guys. I feel like you are all I have that really know my pain and lonliness. You don't judge or condemn me for my feelings and I do appreciate it. Thanks again for being there. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 4, 2011 Report Share Posted July 4, 2011 Good Morning, sad First of all, if you wish to share your first name with people, it would probably feel good to become a bit more personal with all of us but it is up to you. Whatever you do is fine. You said you wanted some suggestions. I am not the only one who will have some but here are some. I think you will benefit from having some contact with people somehow. You could visit a local nursing home as some of the residents never have visitors. Ask who you could visit and go regularly to see three or four people. You could do the same at a hospital...volunteer there to read newspapers to patients or deliver flowers to their rooms. Soup kitchens that serve the poor are always needing volunteers. United Way is everywhere in our country. They have lists of places like soup kitchens and other places that need volunteers. Also volunteering with the Humane Society walking dogs. I know you have cats but Humane societies frequently need dog walkers. You could take a class. I am taking watercolor lessons this summer...I have NEVER painted in my life...but it puts you in a group. You could go to your local college and take a class in anything you like. Our local University offers free audit classes to seniors. I can sit in on any class I like. We have a senior center in town that is always looking for volunteers to help with meals on wheels or serving lunch at the center. What interests do you have? Doing something you always wanted to do might be good. I know that nothing appeals to you but this is where the tough part comes in....pushing yourself. I have to push myself to classes, events, etc. Yesterday I could not push myself to hear a friend speak and he was understanding but disappointed that i was not there. I am pushing myself to help someone else as she goes through a painful divorce...helped her get her finances in order...stuff like that. Once you begin to take a step forward, other doors open. Bill and I were pretty much uninvolved in the community until I started my publication. Even then our socializing was limited as we are not party people. But once alone, I had to be out there more for my sanity. It is empty and lonely but it balances life a bit more to be out there doing just about anything. I hope I have not overwhelmed you with ideas or thoughts. I just really know that you need to get out and interact with people somehow..classes, volunteering, etc. It is now over 15 months since Bill died. I still cry daily..some days are really really bad....but I know if I never go anywhere every day will be worse than it is. Maybe just start by Googling resources around you. Also, not sure where you are with church, but joining almost any church or temple or Buddhist center would be great also. People want to care. We need to care. It is what we are about. Since Bill died all that really matters to me is people and nature (nature includes my dog Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 4, 2011 Report Share Posted July 4, 2011 I just saw this quote on a grief site I subscribe to on Facebook: "After the world takes an eggbeater to your soul, you never know what's going to get you up and back among the living..." Bill Heavey Soooo true...but we have to open the doors. Go for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted July 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2011 Sad, I'm glad you opened up to us. I encourage you to reach out to others rather than remain in isolation because once you're there, it's hard to change it, trust me, I know. This is the hardest journey there is and unless one has been there, the really just can't know what it's like. There's been times I've felt no one cared and it was all so hopeless and if it wasn't for my pets that needed me, I'd hate to think where I'd be. This weekend my son has been out searching for a missing friend, it's been on the news here, his name is Steve Dickerson and we're all concerned that he may have taken his life, so far no one has found him, just his truck, a back pack and a note. He's only 32 years old and found nothing to live for. That is so sad! His family will never get over this and we hope and pray it is not what it appears. There are always people who care, sometimes they just don't convey it when they should. I hope and pray you will find reason to live, and more than that, happiness on down the road. I know it takes time and I know it's unimaginable right now, believe me I know, it's been a long time for me and I've keep trying, but I hope at some point we all find not only reason to live but true joy again. Kay, Was Steve found and is he ok? I've thought about it all night. Very sad situation. Hope everything is ok. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 5, 2011 Report Share Posted July 5, 2011 His body was found, he commit suicide. It's very upsetting, his mom ws my daughter's teacher, his dad I worked with for years, and my kids went to school with his siter, this is going to be very hard on them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 5, 2011 Report Share Posted July 5, 2011 Dear Sad, I have not read your posts for a bit because I have been unwell with the flu and not on much and I just have finished reading and catching up. I validate how much pain you are in and that it feels like it just gets worse each day. I want you to know though that I see real change in you in that you are sharing so much more of yourself with us and that is change and it is healing; so even though it might feel otherwise you are healing. I acknowledge the tremendous courage it took to share more of your self with us and I thank you so much. It feels good to know you a little better. I so validate how alone you are and how excrutiating it can be and I am so sorry. You ask for some suggestions on what you might do to help yourself feel less alone. Volunteering is a good way to help with the lonliness and emptiness. Is there a local animal shelter nearby? A riding stabels for horses? A wild bird sanctuary for birds needing rehilibation? I mention those first because animals are easier to be around when we are in so much pain and they freely offer us unconditional love. Does a long term care faclity interest you? Is there a women's centre nearby; sometimes they offer free coffe/tea and opportunity to socialize with other woman. Have you looked into any bereavement support through your local community services...often that is offered at no charge. Fairly much anything that interests you there will be a volunteer position that you could try. What I can say from experience is that to stay alone; only serves to emphazise our loss and causes the pain to swell and grow. I am thinking of the news that Kay has shared with us about a dear person she knows who chose to end his life and how you are managing with that news. I hope that you are OK. Suicide is a very sensitive area for me having lost my wife to sucide, my brother and my sister. I encourage you to believe that you will make it through this pain and one day it won't hurt as bad...it will still hurt....but you'll be able to carry it. I hold you in gentle thought and prayer. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 5, 2011 Report Share Posted July 5, 2011 Dear Ones ~ I read this in a newsletter just this morning, and it seems to fit in this thread: There is a marvelous story of a man who once stood before God, his heart breaking from the pain and injustice in the world. 'Dear God,' he cried out, 'look at all the suffering, the anguish and distress in the world. Why don't you send help?' God responded, 'I did send help. I sent you.' ~ David J. Wolpe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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