Thankful But Sad

[ksbeachbum]

HI, I'm a newbie on this site. Glad it is here but thinking no one really wants to be here but hoping to find some support. Husband of 15 years, my partner, best friend and love of my life passed after 18 months fighting cancer. It was a horrific disease for him but he never stopped fighting.54 years old and was diagnosed 10 days after I took an early retirement. Thankful for the 15 years we had together with my best friend and partner, as many people live their entire life not finding what we had, and thankful that I did not have to juggle work and caregiving. I got to spend every day with him/ taking care of him and enjoying life with him on the good days. We bought a second home in Florida and chose to do treatment in Florida, more sunshine, etc. I have to believe everything must of come together for a reason, house in Florida, I retired to care for him, we had family support four houses from us, etc. Very thankful but here I am trying to adjust to life w/o him. Very teary and weepy, knowing it will pass and it will get better but it doesn't seem to ease the pain.

[Lainey]

Welcome to our family. I'm sorry that you have lost your husband and have to come here. At least you found a very good site with genuinely caring people that are willing to listen and offer advice if possible.

It's hard to watch someone you love in pain and have to care for them. I spent 2 years being caregiver to my husband. He had to have back surgery in 2008, in March 2009 we found out he had bladder cancer. In April 2009 he had surgery, was fine( if you call being on all kinds of meds that made you forgetful/tired)fineIn Aug. the pain was getting worse again, by Oct. they were finding cancer in many different areas of the body and on Dec. 11.2009, he gave in to the cancer.

The pain and fear of the unknown is severe, mind you, I think we're all in a fog or shock for the first 6 months to a year. I remember that I would cry for hours a day, think I was okay, then something would get me started again and the tears would flow again. Now into 1 1/2 years, the crying is very little but the pain is still there. It has lessened, or maybe it's just a different type of pain.

You are very new at this journey we're all on and you will be teary and weepy and lonesome.Do you have emotional support? Make sure you look after yourself, sleep as much as possible.. it heals you. Eat if possible, try to get exercise,and for sure drink water!! It may be hard to eat and do things for exercise but you will feel better. You also need alot of strength for the paperwork and all that we have to do in these situations.

"One day at a time"

I wish you peace and healing.

Lainey

[ksbeachbum]

Thanks Lainey. I put on a good front but alone I am miserable. Sleeping lots and not eating properly. But I have a needy 14 year old basset hound that is also feeling the abandonment that I have to walk and tend to her needs so I am getting some exercise, etc. No family near but plenty of friends that are checking on me regularly. The paperwork and mail are piling up and I do need to tackle it but energy level is at O. I feel so bad, my son is getting married in July and I should be consumed in wedding planning but my heart is not in it. Again, I put on a good front. I feel so badly, as we (there I go again, no more we, just I) just love his fiancee and her family but I can't seem to get up for it. Hoping that will change. Have been to the dr. and he has me on some anti-depressants but not noticing that they are helping. Lifestyle changes are inevitable and life must go on and I will get through this.

He was such a remarkable man and we were like yin and yang together. One half of me is gone. He had throat cancer diagnosed in Dec. 2009 and we got through it in April in good shape. Flew back and forth between KS and Florida every three months for checkups, etc. Then in September he started getting a sinus infection (they thought) which turned out to be maxilary sinus cancer. Surgery in November 2010, lost his left eye to the tumor, then radiation and chemo again and it was just horrific what he had to go through. Thankful he is no longer suffering. This will be a good place for support. Thank you. B.

[Dwaynecg]

B, I want to welcome you also, I am new here too. I have only been in this group for a couple or weeks. It is a great place for the support we all need. My wife had MS, Multiple sclerosis for many years. She went into end stage and on hospice the February 5, 2011 and passed away February 25, 2011. So I have been at the 3 months after her passing and it is also around 33 years when we meet. It was July 4 1978 when we really start a true relationship. It has been the best 33 years of my life. Even getting the bad news about MS. Pauline was a fighter, never wanting to give in but slowly MS starts eating away at you. The last 2 1/2 years I was with her full time. I had quite my job of 27 years to take care of her. As I look back to December 2010 she had me change the bedroom curtains bed skirts, sheets, comforter. Every bedroom set everything has to match. After the 5 nth time she was happy with it. She new she was coming to the end of her life, even though it wasn't until February 4 nth that we were told it was end stage and to go onto hospice. I cannot come on here that I am not shedding tears. You know the Bible says the tears you shed for a love on God keeps them in a vile in heaven for you. He has to have barrels of tears from me. Coming to this place has helped every time I start reading about others and share what my life with Pauline was like.

God Bless

Dwayne

[mfh]

Hi Ksbeachbum,

Welcome to a place none of us ever wanted to be....but a very good and helpful place. You will like the people here. They do not judge. We are all in the same boat...sad and lonely and hurting. I lost my ying/yang part of me 14 months ago after almost 24 years of marriage and waiting many years for him to come along. I took care of him for 4 years with Alzheimer disease...watched him go from a brilliant and sensitive psychologist to not being able to figure out how to put his arm in a sleeve as I helped him dress.

I still say "we" and "our" by the way and probably always will. I have a dog who is my therapist now. I cry daily....sometimes forever and sometimes just a bit. I did not believe anyone when they said it would get better but it does get easier somehow....I know what you mean about being alone and weeping.

I am sure your son's wedding weighs heavy...you want to share the day with the man you love (yes, you still love him and always will) and yet you have no energy or joy. Everything takes energy and everything takes a longer time. I remember all the paper work piling up and frankly I am still dealing with some. I never did write thank you notes. I put an ad in the local paper and in the little local magazine I publish and never wrote the out of towners. I figure they would have to understand. These are tough tough days and we are all here for you....say anything...share anything...whatever you are feeling...someone here has felt believe me.

Peace

mfh

[Pilla]

Hi Ksbeachum, I am also new on here. I lost my dear husband of 38 years on April 28. He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in Sept 2010. It was only eight months, or it was all of eight months, both. We planned as well as we could. We had our adult kids together for the first all of us were together on Thanksgiving since the first one left for college in the 90's, and had a last trip to visit old friends and relatives in April. I am so glad that we had a chance to say goodbye and "I love you". When the kids came for Ed's celebration of life/memorial, they brought healthy laughter into the room. His friends talked about all of his different sides. But now we have all gone to our own lives. I walk around heavy-hearted. I know that we all have to take one day at a time. I have a friend who is making sure that I make it out of the apartment. Work is good, to have friends and routine during the day.

I am sure that your son's wedding will go well. It doesn't sound like you are being saddled with the organization of it. Look for the good things that happen. I see rhododendrens blooming - first, I think, "How beautiful" (happy) then "I have to tell Ed about them" (sad). I guess all happiness will be bittersweet.

Hugs, Pilla

[ksbeachbum]

Thank you all for your support. Mornings are the worst, as that was our time. Reading the paper, drinking coffe and talking politics. I sure do miss that and trying to learn a new morning routine. I have been taking a dear friend that has brain cancer to radiation, etc. I honestly think I need to back out of this. I am seeing her detiorate and it is too close to home. It hurts too much. Family is in denial, much like I was.

Blessing to all

B

[Cheryl]

Welcome to this site. My husband was 49 years old when he died in a motorcycle accident 21 months ago. I am 46 years old and have two kids 14 and 17. We were together for almost twenty years. I also feel greatful for having had such a wonderful life with such a wonderful man. I have been on a long, bumpy journey of grief but now find that the pain is more bearable. I am able to enjoy a lot of the things we used to do together. Please know that there is healing but it takes time and lots of hard work. Take the time to feel all the emotion that comes your way and know that the pain is weakened each time you allow yourself to experience it. Over and over again you will need to address the feelings of anger, guilt, sadness, weakness, lonliness, abandonment, fear, frustration, and self pity. But gradually they lose there hold and days will feel brighter and you will crave the start of a new life. Set small goals and pat yourself on the back for the little things you are able to do. Sometimes just getting out of bed is a huge accomplishment.

My heart is heavy for you and your loss and I hope coming to this site will help you feel less alone. It has helped me in many ways. Hugs! Cheryl

[nats]

Hello Ksbeachum and Pilla,

First of all I feel your pain and sorrow, Second, you have come to the right place to visit during your journey, you will find much comfort and knowledge here, the people are all going down the same road they just have different routes....I get by and function with faith and the constant reminder my wife Ruth would be so sad to see me not living my life... so with that in mind I move forward one day at a time sometimes an hour at a time but each day I find positve energy somehow, somewhere but I do, because I feel her happiness when I do opposed to feeling her sadness when I'm down, some people say that the grief we feel at times is comming from our spouses as they are also sad they are no longer here on earth with us.....I pray for all the grieving spouses everywhere and tell you we all are here to help, with that I leave you one of the many quotes I am posting as they do indeed provide comfort and understanding for me and if they can help anyone else in even the smallest bit It has served it's purpose...

NATS

When Does Grief End?

Grief hits us like a ton of bricks,

flattens us like a steamroller,

hurls us into the depths of despair.

We know in a flash when grief hits,

but when does it end?

Like the month of March,

grief rushes in like a lion

and tiptoes out like a lamb.

Sometimes, we don't know when grief leaves,

because we won't let go of the lion's tail.

Why do we hold on so long?

Grief offers us safety,

protection from the world.

We don't want to let go

because we secretly fear

that we'll forget our loved ones,

and we don't want to forget – ever.

We don't want to let go

because we fear the future

and having to face life without our loved ones.

We don't want to let go

because we make the mistake

of measuring our grief with the depth of our love –

when neither has anything to do with the other.

How do we know when grief has run its course?

How do we know when we've grieved enough?

Cried enough?

"Died" enough?

How do we know when it's time to let go of the tail?

We know when we feel joy again, in something or someone.

Joy in living. Joy in life.

We know when we wake up in the morning

and our first thought is on something other than our loss.

We know when we look ahead with a smile

and back with fond memories,

and when we no longer dread the nights.

We know when our life starts filling up with new interests and people,

and we start reaching for the stars

Grief ends when we let go of the tail.

Margareet Brownley,

"When Does Grief End?"

[sunstreet]

Dear B and Pilla,

I am very sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the reason you came looking for us all here but I want to welcome and encourage you. You have found a safe and healing place with many who resonate with your pain because sadly we all have experienced loss.

I lost my wife by suicide on December 25, 2003. My experience has been that the gut wrenching pain has been transformed for me into a pain that I can carry and function and feel excitement and zest for life again. May it be so for the both of you.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Queeniemary]

Dear Ksbeachum and Pilla, I am so sorry for the loss that both of you have suffered, and so very sorry that you have had to join us on this journey that no one wanted to take. I lost my husband, Michael, of nearly 20 years on Jan. 13, 2010 of a massive coronary, with no warning. It has now been over 16 1/2 months, and I still feel the grief and sorrow. The raw pain of the loss has eased, and I am moving on in my life, but I will always miss him.

You have found a wonderful place to come to talk about things, vent, rage, whatever you want to do. All of us here have done the same at some point in time here on this site. You have support here, and we do understand. Even though each situation is unique, we all know the heartbreak of the loss of the one who meant the world to us. So sorry you had to join us in this journey, but know that we are here for you both. Praying for the strength you need on this journey. Also please take care of yourselves, get sleep, and eat, you will need all the energy you can get. Grieving is very hard on your body.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[dave s]

HI I also am a newbie to this site, have just lost my spouse 3 wks ago today, Mike was my everything, and never thought i would be widowed at the age of 46.I also feel that i have lived a lifetime of sorrow in only 3 weeks, my friends and family have all been wonderfull and supportive, but they fortunately have not gone through what i am going through they get to go about their lives, while i get to go home to my life that was.....and try to rebuild.

Fortunately, the grief counselor is coming to my home this week, hope she will tell me that actually i am doing this grieving in a healthy manner.I find great comfort in subtle signs from nature, since his favorite birds are showing up at the house all the time, out of the blue! I have also found the greatest help, when the cook at work came to me telling me that she understood everything I was talking about as she also is a widow....Finally am feeling the energy to get out and do everyday things, although tire easily....but hate it when a favorite song comes on the radio and have to pull off the road and cry....or when i find a lone sock of his show up in the wash...or when I turn down the wrong road to get home.I pray that this profound pain will ease for all of us.....I know it will take time, wish we had a switch to just shut it off..

[Dwaynecg]

dave s, welcome to this wonderful support group. It helps to talk with people who have gone through the same thing. I also go to hospice support groups in my area. It is different when you meet people in person. I think when you talk about your love one in person with people that has is going through this your emotions become very raw. My wife passed away from MS. she had for years. During that time I though I was going to loose her a few times. This time I was sure she would bounce back even though they said she was in end stage MS. I was positive up until a couple days before she passed, that she would pull out some how. I knew some day that MS would take her but in the end it is the hardest thing in my life to cope with. I am going to turn her passing into a new life for me. I will start nursing classes in July. I found out that for caring for her I was very good at that job. A wound nurse she had for about a year came in once a week and I did the wound care rest of the week. After Pauline passed I called her and told her that Pauline had passed away. She asked me what am I am going to do now. I didn't know and through all my tears on the phone with her she said go into nursing, you have what it takes and you are never to old to become a nurse. So after the course will be over I will be 57 and starting a new life. One Pauline would have ben proud of.

So I hope we will see a lot more of you around here, you could not have found a better place than here.

God Bless

Dwayne

[dave s]

Hi Dwayne, feeling hopefull for today, since I have been doing alot of reading of others stories and feelings, feels just like what I am feeling....best of luck in Nursing School, funny that fate leads us into different directions after something like this.....your entering Nursing School because of your experience, I am certain you will do well!!....and due to my experience I am leaving the Nursing Profession after 20 yrs! Thks for the support and reply dave

[kayc]

ksbeachbum

Welcome to this very caring site, you will find much support and understanding here. I'm sorry for your loss...and although I'm glad you were able to be there for your husband, I'm sorry he had to suffer. It's very good that you have nearby support. My family isn't close by and I wish they were. It's good that you're voicing yourself, I think it's important to be heard in your grief. So much has been taken from us, anything we can do to restore our power is a good thing.

(((hugs)))

Kay