How To Keep Going?

[melina]

I can't believe I've been without my husband for 10 months - and they've been very tough months. I keep thinking that things have got to get better, and I suppose things are different now than they were to begin with.

However, I am still struggling quite a bit. Often life feels overwhelming. It's so hard to deal with everything on my own, and I have no family (apart from my sons) to support me. I know I have to keep going, but I'm so exhausted. I just don't want to do this anymore. And I'm so incredibly lonely.

If things are better on the other side (if there really is another side), why bother plodding through life over here? Now and then I feel I have a purpose here - a reason for continuing this journey. But most of the time I'm just existing.

I don't why I'm writing this. I suppose I just need to express myself in a place where someone understands.

Melina

[mfh]

Hi Melina,

Oh, how well I know these feelings. I am also incredibly lonely and 14 months into this new place, I struggle a LOT also. I know it won't end but hope it gets better but I also feel there will always be this empty place within me...a hole that can never be filled. As you know I do believe there is another side and I also believe things will be better there. It helps to believe that and I figure I have nothing to lose. I wish I had a magic wand to remove your pain (and mine) but alas this journey did not come with magic. I wish the pain would end but it doesn't.

It has been a three day holiday weekend here which is always hard. I went to the cemetery today and sat and wept at Bill's grave. I hope tomorrow is a bit better for you. I do understand. mfh

[Anne E]

It sure does feel incredibly lonely, hopeless and overwhelming most days, I totally agree. I remember it all very well. I wish I had something magical to tell you that would take it all away. Unfortunately, there is no silver bullet. Like you, I don't have much family, and what family my son and I do have, just is not that interested in dealing with us, I guess.

I found that the first year is be so hard. Of course you are tired and in shock. When my doctor told me it would take at least a solid year for me to begin to feel a bit rested, I thought he was nuts. It takes a long time to get rested and get your strength back. I was fortunate to have an adult son and did not have to care for younger children. I am quite sure that increases your sense of feeling so overwhelmed. I'll share my doctors advise.....be gentle with yourself and take life slowly. Allow yourself to grieve.

I wonder if you have had the opportunity to attend a support group? I balked at that suggestion for two years and now that I am going to a women's group, I regret that I did not avail myself of that help earlier. I regret that I thought I could do it by myself.

I'm happy that you posted and am more than happy to just listen.

Hang In There! Be Gentle with Yourself.

Anne

My husband, Dick, has been gone for 3 years. It does get better, but it is not easy and regardless of what we think we would like, it requires a bunch of work and endurance. I think I remember someone on this discussion group talked about what is our "new normal".

[HAP]

Dear Melina.

I don't know whether this will help you or not.

I woke up to Jane's voice in my head this morning. She has been there all day. Kenny Rogers' The Gambler keeps running through my head, reminding me I still have some aces and that I should count nothing while I am still at the table--just keep playing the cards I'm dealt in the knowledge that every hand's a winner--and every hand's a loser--its what you choose to do with them that counts. There really will be time for counting when the dealing's done.

I cried a lot the first couple times the lyrics hit me. It was something Jane kept repeating at one point when she was in the hospital. There are times I have thought she was trying to tell me she was going. But just a little while ago I realized she was trying to give me some cards that I could keep, too.

So Melina, it does not matter what we believe or do not believe. It matters what we do. The world would be an emptier place without you in it. We need each other's strengths, but we also need each other's weaknesses. Tonight you feel weak. Tonight I feel weak. But in that weakness is the opportunity for others to find their strength and help to cheer us up.

Jane and i were all about unconditional love--for each other and for everyone we met or encountered. This group, whether we realize it or not, is based on unconditional love. We all give it--but we also all receive it. No one walks away from anyone else here. When people stop writing it is either because they have become strong enough to move on or, like Carol Ann, they need time t work on their own on some issues. The Relay Friday and Saturday are going to give me a lot of time to work on the inside of my own head--I do my best thinking and analysis when i am walking. I doubt I will write much here those two days. But i hope when I log back on that I will have gained some insights into my own process and place. And that that knowledge will help make me better at what we are all trying to do here: be there for each other until we are strong enough to stand on our own again--however long that may take--even if it takes the rest of our lives.

So be kind to yourself. You have survived much. There is still likely more to survive. But we will get there together.

Peace,

Harry

[nats]

Grieving Friends,

We have a rough journey for sure but this gives hope....

NATS

________________________

I never thought I could go on living when you died, but ~ I did.

I never thought I would survive after burying you, but ~ I did.

I never thought I'd get through those first days, weeks and months, but ~ I did.

I never thought I would be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but ~ I did.

I never thought I would let myself love my new grandchild, but ~ I did.

I never thought tomorrow would be different, but ~ it was.

I never thought I would stop crying for you, but ~ I have.

I never thought that I would ever sing again, but ~ I have.

I never thought the pain would "soften," but ~ it has.

I never thought I would care if the sun shone again, but ~ I do.

I never thought I would be able to entertain again, but ~ I have.

I never thought I would be able to control my grief, but ~ I can.

I never thought I could function without medication again, but ~ I can.

I never thought I'd smile again, but ~ I do.

I never thought I would laugh out loud again, but ~ I do.

I never thought I would look forward to tomorrow, but ~ I do.

I never thought I'd reconcile your death, but ~ I have.

I never thought I would be able to create that "new normal," but ~ I have.

I never thought I'd want to go on living after you died, but ~ I do.

Always missing you,

always loving you,

and thinking of you daily,

with a smile on my face ~

and tears in my heart.

-- Author Unknown

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I hear and validate your pain and lonliness. I am sorry. I use to feel this exact way too; I understand. The dealing with everything on your own...so hard I know. I wish it weren't so.

Don't know if it interests you but what I did to combat lonliness was I started to volunteer; an animal shelter; a long term care facility; and a woman's centre. Gets me out there in the world and away from my lonliness.

I was in court today and very tired so not much to offer but wanted you to know I see your pain and I am sorry.

(( HUG ))

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Guest Nicholas]

Is it an existence or just surviving? I wish I knew.

Nicholas

[Lainey]

Dear Melina,

Actually you have a purpose.. your sons need you to help guide them. You are also a very valuable contributor on this site. We need you.

I agree, no one wants to do this, there are so many days that I just want my old life back, even if it meant looking after Lars 24/7. But we all know that our lives changed the day we lost our loved one. At 10 months I was just comng out of the shock and feeling like you are.. no purpose, not wanting to keep going. At close to 18 months now, I still become very down but there is many things I also look forward to. Tomorrow would be our 43 anniversary , and though I don't look forward to it, I know my reaction will be much different than last year. It was spent crying.

Please don't give up, mere existance does become living again, you just have to be patient.

I'm sure all of us on the site has said at one time or another that we wished the grieving would end. I think we will grieve forever,just on a different level, the pain will be there, but less severe, the memories will be happy instead of sad. We all grieve at our own rate, so some will recover quicker than others. Someone said they were feeling guilty that they were dealing quite well when others posting are still struggling. On my good days I sometimes feel guilty for the same reason.I loved/love Lars as much as anybody loved their spouse, but maybe I can cope with it better than another.

Lainey

[melina]

Thanks everyone for your replies and comforting words. I feel guilty for not doing better at this point. I should be offering other people hope and optimism. I guess I'm just at a very low point right now. Maybe it's because I'm working two jobs and have had a lot of other stuff to deal with. Maybe stress and exhaustion exacerbates the grief.

I don't know - I just can't stand the thought of another year, or another month for that matter. Every day is such an effort, and now I'm back to crying every night, sometimes in the mornings.

Someone mentioned bereavement groups. I tried one - there was only one where I live - but it didn't work for me. The group I tried to participate in was a structured group. We had to follow a certain theme each time and weren't allowed to discuss freely. Most of the people there were much older than me and kept talking about how lucky they felt to have had 40-50 years together and grandchildren before losing their spouses. And there I was feeling very unlucky. It's easier to be online. If I can't bring myself to read a post - I don't. And I can contribute when it's possible.

Again, I'm sorry I can't be more positive. Maybe this will pass. What worries me is that it might not, and I'll be the exception - I'll be the one who never got over her loss.

Melina

[mfh]

Dear Melina

You are NOT alone, Melina. I feel pretty much the way you do at 14 months out. I cry almost daily. I guess the word 'almost' is good....it was 12 times a day...now it is about 6 out of 7 days. I also understand about people who have had 40-50 years, grandchildren etc. Bill and I had 23.5 (next month 25), no kids....so no family on holidays and after a while friends just don't do it. I love my friends and am indebted to them but how i wish I had family who got it.

Please don't apologize for "not being more positive". You are where you are and I am where I am and it is ok for us to be right where we are. I really believe that. We will progress as we progress. Others here feel the same way...I know that.

Every day is an effort for me. Today I woke up and just out of the blue began to sob. I sobbed in the shower (a common place for sobbing), in the car (another place to sob) and anywhere in the house I wanted to sob. I am grieving and I will grieve as long as it takes. I reach out to you and accept that you are grieving also in YOUR way. mfh

[azbrian]

Hi Melina,

I don't have anything great or wise to say to help you. You have been in this longer than I have and I don't think I am looking forward to how I will feel then.

You are right, you are writing here just to get the feelings out of your body and to a place where people understand. I also think when you write things that you don't know why (like we all do) it does help everyone that reads and/or replies. At least for me, it makes me want to try in a small way to reach out or help someone because they feel as crappy about this as I do.

Besides, I am always posting of writing things and don't know why. I wrote a letter to the Arizona Diamondbacks to tell them that they lost a fan this year. I know Ruth is not the only one this year and not a well known fan but I just felt like baseball needed to know because she liked it so much. I told them about her as a fan and the things she did and said during games and the entire season. It was something we did together that will not happen again. Maybe that was a weird thing for me to do and I don't know if I will send it to them or not.

Oh, the I don't want to do this anymore, this is getting old and am I getting anywhere is also my own topic of today.

Take care

[Dwaynecg]

Melina,

I just hit the 3 month on the 25 of May. It is also around the time I met Pauline 33 years ago. This has hit me hard too. I cannot sleep at night, I don't feel like eating, I just get something quick. I try to make it fruit at lest it is healthy. Pauline and I tried for many years to have children, we never did. I know why now God had other plans for me. I was to take care of Pauline through her fight with MS. You do have your sons that are part of your husband. I don't have that. All I have are pictures and a lot of precious memories. We all start a new life post the loss of our loved ones. I know it is hard but trust in God he will lead you down the right path. And yes there is another side where our loved ones go to wait for us to finish our journey. For me I will become a nurse. I had told Pauline if I had a chance I would get into health care some way. She said really because it is totally different than any thing I have ever done. So hang in there enjoy your life with your sons, your husband lives through them as well. I wish I had that. All I have is an empty apartment. But that is ok Pauline had an eye for design. She evened had offers to design other people new homes. Every nurse who has came into our home could not believe their eyes. They would all say it looks like the homes you see in a magazine. This is where I find my comfort, because she is all around me. I know this down feeling will go away I have to much to do in nursing school and I can't wait. You will also find your way into your new life. When you cry God puts them into a vile for you in heaven. I must have barrels full by now.

God Bless

Dwayne

[wmjsca]

Hi Melina. I understand how you feel and know that each day I survive this gives me strength for the next. It will be eight months in June and when it first happened I was in such shock. I still deal with the anger and the loss remains unbearable most days. But the new normal for me is getting through each day as best I can. Memorial Day was difficult because Buck and I would visit the gravesites of our fathers. This year it was poignant because not only did I carry on that tradition, but also visited his grave, as well. It was difficult staring at the ground when he used to stand beside me there, yet somehow, I believe his spirit is alive in me. I have to hold on to that.

One day at a time Melina. That's really all I can do at this point.

Take care.

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I encourage you to let go of your judgements when you feel "guilty, sad, angry, or any feeling" and try to allow them to just be and see what there is to learn about them by way of journalling perhaps. I encourage you to see the most important purpose for being is "you" It is OK and it is ALLOWED for you to do that which feeds your soul and warms your heart; the healing will fall into place as it may and it its time.

Think of "you" your heart; your soul as the root of a big tree: then think on what would that tree need to grow so it can develop and grow; then give those things to yourself; and you'll see you have the power to be.

I believe stress and exhaustion do exacerbate our grief and that is why it is so important to develop good stratgies to allieviate stress and ensure we are getting good sleep. My tools for this are guided imagery and here is their link www.healthjourneys.com should you care to have a look.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Perkins808]

I found Belleruth Naparstek's guided imagery CD's on this website.....and I have to say, she has the most calming soothing voice ever. I have one CD that I use when I have trouble falling asleep (I quickly learned that taking pills was not for me) and then I have another CD that is just very calming. I would highly recommend them!

[sunstreet]

I just wanted to share that another source that works well for me is my nebulizer. I put essential oils into it with water and it emits a wonderful aroma that serves to calm the mind and heart. And the added benefit is that it also helps my cat Cheekeh, as he had chronic nasal discharge, a benign issue, but once I started using the nebulizer those issues all ceared up....

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Nats,

Thank you for that poem...it reminds of us what we have already survived and lends us hope that we can continue to survive even when we don't see how we can.

Melina,

How I wish we all lived nearby so we could be there for each other in person and help each other out with things that arise. I also feel overwhelmed and alone at times and sometimes it gets to me. I have to remind myself often that it won't always stay the way it feels today, that changes will come and there will be other days I'll fell stronger or more positive.

[melina]

Again, thanks everyone. I'm glad I have this forum. I go to it every morning when I wake up and every evening before going to bed. It's a stable place in my life right now. I'll try to get hold of that CD, Tammy. I think you can download it as an Mp3 file so I could listen to it with headphones.

Carol Ann, I hope the trial went okay without too much turmoil. Kay, I also wish we all lived nearby. It would be a great bereavement group. Wmjsca - it's good to hear from you again, hope you're doing reasonably okay. Lainey - I just noticed you had your anniversary. I hope the day passed without too much pain.

Everyone else - thanks for your support and friendship. And for the newbies, don't let me scare you with my grief. What you've read here was one of my worst days - a few of them actually. But there are other times I'm managing okay. And I hope things get better. I think grief is a very individual thing. Some people recover more easily than others. I was, I'll admit, very dependent on my husband. We had few friends, but had each other and our sons. He used to call us a "clan". I think if we'd had a bigger network, things would have been easier.

Melina