New Normal

[marcplum]

My name is Marc. I lost my wife of 36 years to cancer July, 2010. After browsing many of the postings, it is clear that many of us have faced the same challenges but each of us feel uniquely impacted by our individual tragedies. The dominant emotion for me is anger. It is refreshing to admit that. Enough time has elapsed since my loss that I am sure that people in my life, and who were initially involved in my bereavement, think it is time get over it. Perhaps that is a misconception on my part, I hope it is. I try not to remind those around me about my loss, but it is still comforting when someone remembers my wife and speaks of her. As a first timer on this forum, I hope this proves to be a place where I can find some direction for myself as I try to conquer each new day in this "new normal".

[azbrian]

Hi Marc,

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend and wife of over 27 years to an aneurysm on March 30, 2011.

I believe there is no set time to get over it and your right. You have to find your "new normal".

I have been in this group for about a month now and you have found a place for listening, compassion and concern for each others well being.

My dominate emotion's are the pain and the loss. Anger, let me just say I am not angry at Ruth. That will be the last thing I deal with when ever everything else get's to my "new normal", if that ever happens.

Welcome to the group

[Anne E]

Marc, I am so sorry for your loss. I too am working on my "new normal". I agree that I feel my loss is unique to me and am afraid at times that I tend to think I have suffered more than any other human being. Of course, I know that is not true. We all have suffered a horrible, unique loss.

Dick, my husband of 39 years, died three years ago in February. I do believe that I am beginning to accept my loss as true and have accepted that he will not be coming through the door again. He is still constantly in my thoughts, but the pain is not as bad. My memories are now sweet most of the time. I still wish I could share things with Dick and that he could see the great things our son does and how hard his son tries to be good to me.

After Dick's death, my doctor advised me to "be gentle with myself and to give myself time to just be". I have been trying to follow his advise and allow myself time to just be. It has taken me almost three years to get to this point. When I get sad and feel like crying, I cry. When I am angry and want to yell, I yell. When I am just mad and out of sorts, I tell my son and the dogs that I am bitchy and out of sorts, and they leave me alone and stay out of the way. When I am happy, I am happy. I just feel and accept what I am feeling instead of running from it.

Grief counseling, participating in a women's support group and following this discussion site have helped me unbelievably. It is comforting and encouraging to know that I am not all that unique and I am not alone.

Hope you will continue to visit the site.

Anne

[Perkins808]

Hi Marc,

Welcome to the club that nobody wants to belong to. I too lost my husband to cancer in July of 2010.

Yes, you are right - we all face some of the same challenges, and we all handle them in our own ways. You have to find a way that works for you. Everyone here comes from different circumstances, but we are all bound by a common thread - we lost someone that meant the world to us. People will offer up their stories and advice here, and you are given a wonderful opportunity - you can take the advice if it works for you.....or you can read on until you find something that you CAN relate too.

Anger - my least favorite of all the emotions. Angry at God for taking my husband, angry when people complain that their husband didn't cut the grass, angry that cancer exists.....on some days for brief moments my anger seems overwhelming. When I am angry I feel like I have lost control....and I'd honestly rather cry a bucket of tears than to feel that way. Is it part of the "normal" grieving process? Absolutely....whatever "normal" means. I just don't like it, and luckily it doesn't happen too often.

What I do like? That no matter what emotion I am having, I can share it here. Someone can always relate and sometimes it's just the boost I need to get through my day.

As far as "getting over it"? Ten months to get over it? I don't think we ever get over it. I think we learn to live with our loss, slowly but surely. I think we will find a new normal, and learn to live all over again. That is my hope anyway.

Hugs,

Tammy

[marcplum]

Brian, Thank you for your kind reply. I am truly for your loss. It has been so recent that I am sure you are still in a state of shock. It inspires me that even though it is still fresh, you have chosen to reach out to others in an effort to assuage their pain. It is a lesson that I need to emulate. The anger I refer to is directed at no one thing or person, certainly not at my dear Lisa, it is simply a manifestation of the reality that what I once had is no longer. Marc

[marcplum]

Tammy, Thank you for your inspiring reply. It is beautifully worded and strikes a definite chord with me. It is obvious from the replies that I have received that this forum will be a bridge for me as I move forward. I send to you my prayers as you cope with your own tragedy. Marc

[marcplum]

Anne, Thank you for your reply. It is a good thing to know that I now have a place to vent. I am so grateful to you and others like you who have taken the time to respond. I hope to be an encourager in this forum, just as you have been to me. Blessings upon you, Marc

[sunstreet]

Dear Marc,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife. I am sorry for the reasons that you found your way to the GH family. I want to encourage you that you have found a safe place and an array of people who all have suffered a loss. You are so right that each of us is uniquely impacted by our own tragedy.

My wife chose suicide on December 25, 2003, so I went through a period in my path with grief where I felt a lot of anger. I tried to contain it for my upbringing cause me to believe anger was "bad" something to be punished for if you felt it. IN time though I learned that anger is just a feeling and I am entitled to feel it and not only that for me it was neccessary for me to feel it and express it. I expressed it by way of jounalling, by screaming in my car while parked at a viewpoint overlooking the ocean, by ripping up 8 by 10 peaces of paper into a million llittle pieces. The key for me was to express it and release that energy so it did not cause an implosion onto myself.

I encourage you to embrace what ever feelings are current for you; without judgement; and know you are feeling them as part of the healing path along the way to finding a new way to be. I welcome you.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[ksbeachbum]

Hi Marc:

Welcome to this group. I am new also, having lost my husband to maxillary sinus cancer on 4/12/11. We had beat the throat cancer a year before and thought we were out of the woods only to find out last fall that it showed up again. I hope this is not the new normal... I am hoping it will get better. The new normal will be w/o my loved one but I sure do hope I begin feeling better and want to live instead of existing. My son is getting married in July and I thought I would consume myself in wedding planning, but I just can't get there mentally. People try so hard to help, don't know what to say, and the hardest is when they don't bring up Randy's name or memories and you do... it is like the white elephant in the room. Just because he is gone does not mean he did not live.

I do feel the anger but it usually directed at someone that has nothing to complain about but always does and before I know it I have mentioned that until you loose your spouse you are not having a bad day. I have not felt any anger towards my spouse but I am pretty fresh into the grief.

Welcome again and blessing to you.

Becky

[nats]

Hello Marc,

You have found a place of sharing and learning from each other, I feel your pain and heartache my wife joined God 0n 2/14/10, I am getting by much better than most as I have found the "new me" someone I did not know existed and still learning, take each day as it's your last and you'll discover you get a different outlook on things...as you are approaching the year mark things will change I;m not sure why but they do...well hope you find some answers here, there's many good people here with many good tips on traveling this journey we are on....take care and may God Bless...

NATS

[mfh]

Dear Marc

Yes, we are all in the same boat but it is different for each of us. Others in our culture do not know, for the most part, what to do with us. Some fear making us cry. Some fear facing their own fears and pain. Some just do not know what to say so they say nothing. The outcome is that feeling you have and we all have that they want us to "get over it" so they do not have to deal with it and so we are no longer in pain. I had to give up expectations that others would reach out appropriately a long time ago. My luv died 14 months ago. If people have not had a loss like we have had, they just can not get it. Sadly they will need to walk our path before they can be there. Hence the gratitude we all feel for this group and for those few who do reach out.

I was married to my soul mate for almost 24 years. Our silver anniversary is later this month. I took care of him for 4+ years as Alzheimer's destroyed his mind slowly but surely. We were best friends and very much in love. I struggle daily. Today happens to be a tough one...missing him, figuring out the new normal, feeling lonely, wishing anyone could know exactly how I feel as he did that so well.

I feel angry that I lost him but it is not a predominant feeling. Sadness and loneliness are the ones I struggle with along with confusion. Take it slow, a day at a time. Stay in touch with those who get it be they here or also in your circle of friends. Don't judge yourself or force yourself to get over it...there is no getting over it...I will grieve my loss forever. I also know it does get better...I never believed that when folks told me but it is a bit better though today does not feel that way...today is a tough one. The grief comes in waves...some knocking us off our feet. Others just float by making us feel sad for a bit. Be true to yourself.

Mary mfh

[kayc]

Marc,

I'm glad you found this site for it's one of the best forums I've ever found, but I'm very sorry for the circumstances leading up to it. 36 years is a long time to share life with someone...but no matter how long, it's never long enough. I am very sorry for your deep loss.

We have to ignore "what other people think" and acknowledge what WE know...our grief. It may have a beginning, but it doesn't exactly have an end, it just changes form as it goes.

While anger is something we've all felt in our grief, I think it's good to remember that oftentimes men feel more comfortable expressing anger than other emotions, so it could be it's just easier to acknowledge for them. While anger isn't good to stay in permanently, it does have good purpose. It is anger that sometimes prompts needed change, fuel for causes in our world. Anger can help us stand up for ourselves at times. Anger can give us strength and purpose. So there is place for anger...so long as it doesn't overpower everything else within us.

My sympathies are with you in your loss. Please come back here and continue to post, it really does help to give voice to what we are experiencing.

[melina]

Hi Marc,

I'm sorry for your loss and that you had to join this club. This site has been my support since the day after my husband's death. It's a comfortable, safe and supportive group and I'm so glad I found it.

I lost my husband to cancer in August 2010. He was my soulmate. We were married nearly 28 years and together for 30. We have four sons - three have left the nest.

I've also had a lot of anger, which turned to bitterness and resentment, and now I just feel empty and lonely. There's a lot of guilt too - and I actually prefer the anger, if I have to choose.

I still fantasize once in a while about going back in time and ridding my husband of the cancer before it got big enough to kill him. It still seems amazing that this really happened to us. Our family. I thought we were invincible.

I don't like the new normal, but there's not much I can do about it. What still helps me is to take one day at a time. If I think too far ahead, I feel panicky, so I go about my day-to-day life - job, house, kids, dog - and hope that things will settle into a life I'm able to enjoy one day.

Melina

[Dwaynecg]

Marc,

I am sorry for your loss. I am also fairly new to this wonderful group of people. I wish none of us would have to be here. My wife Pauline passed away February 25 at 2:30 PM. We were together 33 years. Like many here feel the same as I do. I lost my best friend, my soul mate, my wife. She passed from end stage MS, multiple sclerosis. So welcome, talk or I should say type out you feelings here because ever one here knows what you are going through grief is a long journey to get through. I am only at the beginning when all those raw emotions come out. I find the hospice support group meeting are very helpful also.

God Bless

Dwayne