Pictures And Videos

[mfh]

Well, Bill has been gone for 14+ months. Next week is our Silver (25th) anniversary. Today, I got brave and got out the old videos and watched our second Christmas together. My best girlfriend and her husband (also dead) were visiting for the weekend. All of them gone now. I watched a video of our time in Ouray, CO when Bill was alert and strong way before Alzheimer's robbed us of his mind. I laughed. I wept. I sobbed.

Every time Bill's voice came on the video, our dog Bentley (who was on the bed with Bill and me when he died)got up, came over and put his head on my lap even if I was not crying. I monitored that carefully and it happened every single time. When Bill's voice (which I fell in love with) ended on the tape, Bentley left and went back to sleep. He misses him also. This was 6 hours of tears and smiles....mostly tears of loss. I plan to take them off the old VHS tapes and put them on DVDs for safe keeping. I am so exhausted from all the emotion but glad I finally got the nerve to do this. So many memories...some I had forgotten. All happy memories which also made it easier and harder to watch. NO one to share this with today....except for you and how grateful I am for you. Eventually I will share with some friends (not all 6 hours Thanks for listening. Had to tell someone and just do not feel like calling anyone. I have a basket of photos, his many poems that he wrote, and the cards he gave me every month on the 22nd for close to 25 years to celebrate our anniversaries, and some other treasures. I have gone through that a couple of times. One of Bill's caregivers asked, a while back, if he could see the photos so we sat and shared over photos for 3 hours. A day of memories after helping a friend this morning meet with an attorney around her painful divorce. That meeting also made me realize how much Bill and I had. We were so blessed. Now I weep. mfh

[Perkins808]

Dear Mfh,

I can only imagine how wonderful yet overwhelming that must have been for you, if that makes any sense. I have wished so many times that I would be able to hear Jeff's voice again. The only video we have is of our wedding, and unfortunately the only voice you can hear is the justice of the peace.

I hope that as painful as it must have been, that it gave you some peace and comfort as well.

Hugs,

Tammy

[HAP]

Friends,

I envy you both. Jane hated videotape. It took years for me to get her to regularly let me take her picture. And i have many of those. But someone else taking the pictures was something she never got comfortable with.We had a major discussion over whether or not to have any pictures taken at our wedding. Finally, she agreed to let friends take pictures of that event. The last picture I have of her is of the two of us in Meredith, NH last summer on our last trip together. We had gone for a walk and she had shot some lakescapes. She liked shooting scenery--especially when she could arrange it so there were no people in it. A local was walking by and I asked him to take a picture of us. Jane tried to talk me out of it but I wanted that picture of us together--we have very few of those. She finally agreed. But the shot is out of focus and i had to blow it up too much. That is the risk when you put a film camera in the hands of a stranger. But the blurring actually is a plus in an artistic sort of way.

The picture is good enough. We both are looking into the camera and smiling bravely--both knowing that it would likely be the last picture of her I would ever get. I look at how thin she is in that picture and know i should have known--then realize that I did know--that she knew--that we were both being brave and positive for the other one. We drove home that day to get ready for the biopsy the next morning. It was our last day in Paradise. We had a beautiful room looking out over the lake--complete with balcony. We stayed as long as we could--looking out over the water and being in each other's company. We would have liked to drive home slowly--with the side trips down unknown roads we usually took on our way back, but the drive home was hard. Her legs were filling with fluid--but we held hands the whole trip. We still had hope. Maybe it wouldn't be cancer. Maybe...

People at my group talked last month about having their spouse's voice on a cellphone or an answering machine. We had neither. We were jealous of the time we had together and did not want those times interrupted by anything. And it would have been my voice on them in any event.

I made collages of the pictures i had of her for the funeral--at least of my favorites. My hands were shaking so badly my brother had to tape them down. I have had them framed since. Now I just have to figure out where to hang them. I don't want to do that until I finish moving the furniture around.

God I miss her.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

I thought the only voice of Bill I had was his cell phone greeting and our local US Cellular gal put it on a CD for me and on my phone so I could hear it at least. His voice was music. Today I discovered a bit more of his voice. He was not in the videos a lot and did not speak a lot when he was..but those precious moments I now have mean the world. I am so sorry, Harry, that you have so few pictures and no voice. Tammy I am sorry you have no video. I guess the most important thing we all have is the love we carry in our hearts. I have lived for 14 months without those videos and I know I won't look at them very often...but the more important thing I have are our memories...those I think of every single day...many many times a day...and we all have those. Moments to remember....mfh

[beakerj]

Dear mfh,

So brave! Well done you.

Before my Mum went into the hospice I sat her down with a tape recorder & asked her all about her life, all sorts of stuff about her childhood in Dublin, me & my brothers as babies etc, anything I could think of. I did this a few years ago with my Gran (Granny Smith, for real), when she was about 84, who now has dementia. I'm so glad I did this, but it's going to be a long time before I can listen to the tapes of Mum, especially as her voice was huskier due to the lung cancer. But at least I have them, but need to have them put on CD so they last forever. It made me realise I don't have any recordings of my husband or brothers voices, or my best friend's....

I think that's a really big step for you, I'm so glad Bentley was there with you, bless his dog heart. My husband took my older dog Darcey to Mum's house the other day (it's been sold, & was the final clear out, but I've never been able to go back there) & she started wagging as she ran up the path & then searched the house for Mum & her dogs. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Is that baby Bentley on Bill's knee? Such a lovely picture.

I hope your 25th Anniversary brings you joy as well as pain. You guys really achieved something, which deserves to be celebrated.

Warmest,

Becka

[dave s]

Funny that a few days after Mike died I called his cell phone and his voice was erased!???When i did it i knew it would make me upset, but wanted it anyway........figure Mike wasnt in the mood to hear me cry about that!lol

[pinkpony]

I have videos on my cell that my dh sent me while camping its so nice to be able to watch those when I just need to hear his voice & see him. Oh & I'm glad you have happy memories that included Ouray, CO. I have so many great memories of that place w/ my dh, our last was for our 24th in 09, I did make new memories there last month w/ my sons.

[Dwaynecg]

After Pauline passed, I wanted to make a DVD movie for her memorial. She had bought a photo scanner and wanted to scan photos into the computer this spring. She never made it. I took the photos from a small closet room in the front entry. There was an office box full of photos and 6 regular photo boxes full of photos. It took me 3 day to go through the photos. Another day and a half to scan in the photos. I took the photos placed them in photo shop elements and fix them. Then move the photos into windows movie maker. Started from when she was just a little girl to the last photos were from 2009. Then I added 9 songs that were her favorites into the movie maker. After I had the movie all set I burned to one disc, to make sure it worked the way I wanted. It was perfect. I bought light scribe discs and with Nero 8 burned photos of her and one of both of us with a caption. I burned 22 discs and using the one movie disc, I copied from the computer to the light scribe discs in a portable light scribe DVD burner. These discs were family and a couple of Pauline's close friends. I was just going to put them in a sleeve, but I didn't like the sleeves. I went to Staples and bought slim jewel cases and a good photo paper. I made a cover for the cases with pictures of her and me with a caption. On the inside I put a back cover with all the songs an who preformed them. In all about 35 hours of work went into that. I also put together a photo album with larger photos. Pauline was well deserving of all my effort I put into this project. I still have the VCR tapes to put to disc then onto a hard drive hooked up to the router. I don't know when I will do that.

Dwayne

[mfh]

Becka, yes that is Bentley. He is now 8 years old and weighs in at 74 pounds and still leaps onto my lap with his back feet on the floor. He is truly my therapist.

It seems like many of us have some saved memories...be they photos, video, or in our hearts....they all matter. I also hope to create a better DVD. I did one for the funeral-how I do not know. I think I was just numb. A friend helped and did most of it. But I want to do it over.

Dave, I am so sorry Mike's greeting got lost in the ethernet. Dwayne, you really went all out and I agree...Pauline deserved it all. Tresures for all of us. Again I am so sorry to you who do not have voice or photos...I hope posting this was not too difficult for you.

After spending all that time looking at videos yesterday, I dreamed of Bill what felt like all night...only to waken to his absence but I loved the dreams.

mfh

[sunstreet]

Dear MFH,

Thank you for sharing such a treasured moment with us. I am weeping just thinking on all that would bring up for you and Bentley...well bless our 4 legged companions. I am so glad that you and Bentley have each other to greive together; helping each other through.

For myself I feel some envy and some sadness that I don't have any of that to pull out and look at but I really do receive when I read about you and others here and am so happy for you all that you have that added piece to treasure and hang onto.

I only have one still photo of Melissa; for reasons that I don't want to talk about here Melissa did not like to have her photo taken, nor do I for that matter, but on the morning of December 25, 2003 Melissa asked me to take her photo and I believe she did so because she wanted me to have at least one photo of her for it is my belief that in that moment she already had her plan to take her life later that day.

So for me it is bittersweet. I don't think I was aware that your Bill had Alzheimer's. My Father had Alzheimer's and the only family member, other than my Grandmother that never laid a hand on me. I was my Father's primary care-giver and my heart reaches out to you for I know that path is not easy at all.

Thank you for the blessing of your sharing and I hold you in gentle thought and prayer as you approach your silver anniversary.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

I can imagine how poignant it was for you to watch the video...and for your dog as well. My son and his dog used to live with us, and once in a while my son will call and they'll be on the speakerphone and my dog will definitely respond to that...he gets excited and cocks his head and looks out the patio door to see if they're coming...very confused.

It is a good idea to get that transferred to a DVD...I had some VHS tapes I was saving and a couple of them just quit due to age...the DVDs should keep as long as they're stored carefully.

[mfh]

Carol Ann, I am so glad that Melissa allowed that photo. What a gift to you. She knew how much you would miss her. Yes, Bill who had a brilliant mind in addition to his sensitivity as a poet and therapist, watched as his mind abandoned him. It was devastating to him and to me to see him deteriorate before my eyes. every day it seemed there was another loss. It started with small things and got bigger and bigger...as you know. How great that your Father's love for you was rewarded with your care as he, too, went downhill. Your life has been difficult to put it mildly and I see you using all that pain to help others now...your words are always caring and helpful and compassionate.

Yes, KayC, it was amazing how Bentley just got up when he heard Bill's voice, came over and put his head on my lap and leaned on me. He and Bill were very tight. I am going to put those on DVD and also on a flash drive as I heard those are also safe and would be a back up. Thank you KayC.

Mary mfh

[azbrian]

Harry, Ruth was the same way about pictures.

Somehow, some way whenever any one tried to take a picture of her. She knew it and almost always somehow all you got was a picture of the back of her head.

It was really hard finding good pictures of her for the service, there simply is not that many.

Her sister Sue was helping me go through all of the pictures we could find in the house and we did get some. When we were done hours later she looked at me and said now what about this one. It was a small picture of the back of Ruth's head. Sue said she wanted to put at the bottom of one of the picture boards because everyone in the family would get it. We then both started laughing about it and agreed Ruth deserved that...........

[HAP]

Thanks Brian, I needed that.

Harry

[mfh]

How lovely, Brian. Bill and I do not have a ton of photos of each other but I surely treasure them. And he was not crazy about the video so in all the 6 hours I watched...he was sporadically on them with perhaps a total of 15 minutes...sometimes talking to a builder. I am just grateful for what I have.

Coming home tonight after a concert (where I wept) was especially lonely. Bill would have so enjoyed this string quartet and the music they chose to play. So home I come to the empty house...so silent.

mfh

[sunstreet]

Dear Mary'mfh,

Thank you and I agree Melissa pushed through her fear of having her photo taken so I would have that. I am so grateful for that too. A friend I met through the GH site here has offered to put a picture of me together with that picture I have of Melissa and then I would have a photo of the two of us together. I am not sure why I haven't taken him up on that offer yet; but I know when I am ready I will ask him to do that for me.

Oh Mary, I do know what you went through with the decline of Bill with Alzheimer's and like Bill, my Father was aware of his decline because of the side of the brain it started on. Caring for my Father was an absolute treasure and gift and some of the most sacred and blessed times in my life; alongside some of the most heart-wrenching times. As much as I had grown close to him during that time I cared for him; I felt an odd sense of peace when he died for my belief system allows me to know that he was relieved of his suffering.

Thank you Mary, I do believe that I have been able to survive fairly in tact somehow and I do use all the pain to help others now and for that I am grateful for what I have survived for it warms my heart when I might be of some help to anyone.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[nats]

Hello All,

This hits home today, as this week Friday the 17th would have been our 2 yr wedding anniversary...for some reason the grief is trying to break me the last 2 days, some have told me it Ruth's sadness and mine combined as this was our special day after 7 years living together, I have her voice from her cell phone recorded on my PC it's hard to listen to but I do as I miss her voice, I hear it in my head but some days I just need to hear it, just like some days I must look at pictures, and a real funny thing is I have been watching this show on Showtime called "Nurse Jackie" and the actress is almost an exact "Ruth" in her younger days, not the isssue the show deals with, but her walk, talk, looks, and movements it's amazing it's like I'm watching Ruth, my friend Brenda is the one who brought that to my attention....I'm being strong and pushing ahead day by day....