just one more hug Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Trying to tell myself that Bill would be so proud of me....only hope so. Had the chance in the last couple of days to challenge myself to the task of getting hooked up to the new sewer system. Not that there was a choice..October is the deadline for hookup. Thank God, Bill, as usual, saw to it that $$$ was in place to pay for it and not cheap!!! So unfair to make it manditory and put people in debt for something they don't even want!!!!! But that's another story. I was scared and tearful to venture into the unknown without Bill but called the company he had spoken to last year and set the date. They remembered him..he always was unforgetable!!! The work started on Monday and will be completed this afternoon. The workers and I started to talk about Bill yesterday and I could not hold back the tears as they recounted his sense of humor and how they had looked forward to working here. I told them had he been here now he would be charging them for entertainment....that was just Bill...always endearing to all he met. Knowing Bill, he would have been right out there handing out water, compliments and humor. I could actually picture this...so vivid. No wonder the tears. Guess the point to my post is that, after less thsn 5 months since I lost him..I found the strength to "get it done" and make him proud of me. No shame in showing my tears and sadness for my loss to complete strangers and to experience such compassion and understanding. People are good. God is Great. Still tearful...full of sadness and yet proud of myself for this little bit of strength, giving me hope that one day I will be ok. Tomorrow I may be back in that dark place again..or maybe even yet today...just wanted you out there who think you can't "do it"....the first time you do...you will be amazed at the feeling...knowing your loved one is looking down from Heaven saying "Good Job" honey. Sorry if this sounds like a dumb thing to post but any sign of hope soothes my heart....may it do the same for you......Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Carol, not a dumb thing to post at all, and I understand perfectly what you are saying. Mike always took care of that kind of stuff, and I had several major decisions regarding my house in the spring after Mike died in January, 2010. I had new siding put on, a new porch installed, and had trees cleared from the land. I too felt proud that I could handle this stuff. I am sure Bill is looking down, very proud of you. I am sure when Mike was looking down at me, he was saying "Woman, that is not exactly the color I wanted!...lol", but think he was still proud that I managed by myself. It is not a small thing at all!!!! Good for you!! Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just one more hug Posted August 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Thanks Mary...Good for "US"...I needed that......Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Bless your heart, Carol ~ Thanks for sharing this inspiring story ~ and know that we're all very, VERY proud of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkenwater Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Carol, I relate very well to your experience. When my Sharon passed on to heaven (3June10), I wanted then to honor my Love to her by completing several Honey-Do's that I had not taken care of in the past months, since I devoted all my time together and caring for her. Examples were like installing those new handles we bought in Jan. on all the kitchen cabinets, extending the patio, building that outside shower, and the list goes on. I had a feeling of accomplishment and pleasing just knowing that Sharon was looking down and smiling, and complementing me as she always did for such jobs. You keep doing those things you know will please your loved one. Everything happens for a reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just one more hug Posted August 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 Funny how the Honey-Do list has passed down to me now....As I look over the newly seeded lawn this morning..where yesterday there were huge piles of dirt ..I feel a sense of hope knowing that soon new life will sprout and the grass will once again be green. Life without Bill will never be the same but it gives me the feeling he is looking down and telling me to "water" and tend to the rest of my life, not to be held hostage to grief but to honor him by remembering his often spoken words to me...Don't worry..Don't hurry ...He was so good to me. Funny you mentioned the handles for the cabinets...that was on his list also...guess I will have to get out the screw driver... I did go to that dark place again last night...always the hardest part of the day...or is it the rude wake up call in the morning knowing another day looms with many challenges yet to face? But somehow having the faith that Bill...like Sharon..is still hovering over us...unseen but felt...happy we are at least trying to survive until we are reunited once again. All Bill ever wanted was for me to be happy...not in a material way...just happy in spirit...taking life a day at a time. What a way to honor them...Life now is what it is...a rollar coaster of grief and hope...but at the end of the ride...pride in ourselves that we made it to the end...once again in the company of the one we loved so much. I truly believe this. I sound so brave...but I am not...Only by the grace of God!!!!....Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyImHome11 Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 Dear Carol, I know exactly how you feel, boy did I have a long list of "honey-dos" for my husband... he was always telling me I needed to prioritize his list cause I kept adding to it. At least he kept his sense of humor with me. He was my carpenter, my mechanic, my plumber, and my adviser. Although on some of these jobs I was his gofer... I didn't always pay attention on how things got done I'm sorry to say now. I've picked up some basics but the technical stuff I am at a loss. It seems though as soon as my husband passed, his truck gives out. OK... this Toyota has 257,000 miles on it, he babied it I admit... that truck wouldn't have made it this long if he didn't. The electrical has a short in it, the radio won't play. The oil needs changed, the transmission oil is black. My husband's attention the last few of months of his life was his Harley. Now I have to find a mechanic. That's 14 years here living with my own mechanic... thank you very much. Then my car's power steering gets bad... then it's the lawn mower. Then summer finally comes to Oregon and the sprinkler system has leaks. And just where is my plumber anyway? AND I am blessed with "girls"... and their "silly" boyfriends. So it's the neighbor, a friend and my broken spirit, a brand new mower, less leaks in the watering system and a new found mechanic in town. Breathe... Good days... Bad days. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 I am proud of you too, Carol! Somehow we manage to survive, but we sure don't know how sometimes. I had to laugh at the honey do list because just the other day I was cleaning off my refrigerator and noticed George's honey do list (mind you, he's been gone six years, that's bad, isn't it! LOL) Shows how often I pay attention to my refrigerator! Anyway, I decided to take it down, he's off the hook now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just one more hug Posted August 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2011 Deb and Kay...loved your response to my post about the Honey Do list...which now has become the Honey Do It Yourself list...LOL Even through our loss and sadness it was refreshing to detect the hint of humor in your posts ...we truly could be friends. And Deb..my mower also took a turn for the worse and my sprinkler system has also sprung a leak. I cried...wrung my hands and called out for Bill to get back here...I needed him....he couldn't come of course...so back to survival mode...enlisted my Grandson to bring his trailer and get mower to hardware for repair...it's a rider so I could not just load it in my truck...did think about riding it to hardware so as not to bother Grandson..but on second thought!!!....Hope not too much $$$ to fix and that it gets back before I have a jungle to deal with..... Son in law offered to look into sprinkler leak...along with my son...then the guilt sets in...and the tears...hate being dependant with my GO TO man no longer here....you both know what I mean. I am so blessed with the family I have...My girls (2) feed me way too much..shop with me and watch Big Brother and the Bachelorette with me every week.....my son does his part also..but you know what they say...A daughter is a dsughter all her life...a son ..a son til he takes a wife....I love them all dearly...daughter in law needs son right now as her Mom is fighting the C word...so he is where he needs to be....with his wife...as Bill always was for me...Guess that is one of the many good traits he picked up from his Dad. And Kay....love that you still had that list on the fridge...I would have kept it there....want to hear something really dumb??? The last pair of jeans and socks Bill wore are still in his hamper...just don't want it empty yet....stupid I know but...don't care...gotta do what we gotta do...right??? Kay..hope things are going better for you and that you get the medical help you so bsdly need ...you seem to always bounce back...be proud of that.... Thinking of you both and wishing you some moments of peace in your memories and know that when you fall apart for no reason at all...I'm right there with you...the sisterhood of pain and hope....for all of us here climbing this mountain...I wish you God's blessings and courage.......Love Ya....Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 7, 2011 Report Share Posted August 7, 2011 Actually there was a guy that got his license revoked so he rode his lawnmower, got in trouble for that too! I love Bachelorette but watch it alone. My daughter never comes around except for holidays. I can relate, right after George died my plumbing stopped solid, never had a problem in 28 years until he died. And he'd removed the ramp and rails so he could replace them, hadn't gotten that far yet. The snow blower was apart, never did get it working. The hot water tank quit, the dishwasher, the freezer, the list goes on and on. And I am not mechanical! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyImHome11 Posted August 8, 2011 Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 Well... it seems I do better when I get angry. I met my husband after struggling and raising my daughter, finding myself. I got married the first time at 18... divorced 16 years later with a 4 year old, never on my own before. Now after my husband beats down my defensive system during our 14 years together... Ok, I admit it... love had something to do with it, I am forced to relearn my independence skills all over again. I know it's in there... somewhere... Maybe I just have to get angry again. I feel bad because it's not his fault he died... but that stupid mower didn't have to crap out on me right after did it? AND the truck, AND my car... AND the plumbing... you get my drift. I see a pattern that caregivers get sick after their loved ones pass on... you think there is something to this? Maybe we give and give and give until we and our surroundings just cave in? The energy around us just zaps and zaps until all goes haywire? Just a thought. Well, now I'm working up to my mad. I am soooooo tired of asking for help these days, please do this for me cause it's too heavy ( like rolling the darn rocks all over the yard) or please can you help me figure this out ( like the week wacker is taller that I am!) I've never done this before. Darn it anyway and most of the stress is homeowner stress. I think I need one of those "handymans" for rent if I could afford one. Then I wouldn't feel so obligated to family or friends/neighbors... kiss my you know what. And... I do like the idea of riding the lawn mower down to the local shop... explain why to your local sherrif Carol, the tears seem to always be on the verge of coming to the surface in my eyes... I don't know about you, he's bound to fall for them real quick. Anyway that's my rant for the night. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted August 8, 2011 Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 Ladies, This is an interesting thread, you are all doing great...now from the male side of Honey Do's...I am having to learn and Iron all my slacks and shirts, Ruth insisted they always had a fresh press, the cleaning us men take for granted (dusting, sweeping, washing dishes, etc.) having moved into a new home I now know how hard it is now to keep things clean and I may be a little OCD because the house is new...the laundry I have mastered except sometimes get lazy and leave a few things in the basket then I hear Ruth tell me to put that away in the dresser as it belongs ...I also have conquered several tasks and important things since she joined God, I feel proud as that is what she would have wanted...I am thankful I have Brenda to guide me from the womens angle and point of view, it's a lot what we have taken for granted our spouse's contributed until our spouse is not there to do it...I am so happy all is going well with you all, I now do several things for Brenda her husband did but she is very independent and tackling things much as you are all doing, that's some very positive energy....keep forging ahead...and may God guide you all... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just one more hug Posted August 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 Nats...Never gave it much thought in my own grief how the male side would react to household chores. It all makes sense though...you get used to always having those clean, ironed shirts, drawers full of clean and folded underware and socks, clean sheets and the orderly welcome home we wives (most of us) always tried to provide. One thing I always noted when I see a very spoiled "son"....I feel sorry for the girl who marries him. My husband had a pretty rough childhood...his Mom left him and his two brothers with his Dad...an army of four...they HAD to learn a lot at a young age. But that was the exception to the rule...however...it paid off for me as Bill could cook and clean and never made a fuss about helping me. God, could I use him today...everything needs dusting...Nats..sounds like you have mastered the survival mode...I applaude you...well done!!! I tried to instill this in our son as he was growing up and my daughter in law loves me for it. Not saying you were spoiled Nats...maybe just unaware the Household Fairy did not magicaly make all this happen...just as I personally may have had a feeling of magic because everythig ran smoothly...lawn mower, furnace, dripping faucets, freshly painted shutters, It was not magic,...It was Bill. Guess in the end we are pretty evenly matched...and now taking on each others rolls.... Deb...your thoughts echo mine in so many ways...always having to ASK for help....I do think getting mad is what keeps us going...something kicks in and moves us to action...sometimes I think the mad feeling replaces the grief for a moment and it is almost a relief...for a moment. And on we go....almost five months...seems like a lifetime...tears fall, heart skips beats, we cry, get mad and in the end we are still in the same mode...to somehow survive this unwanted place life has taken us. Whatever you are doing...keep doing it.....you sound like s strong person to me...God Bless..and keep writing...you also have a way to connect with our own feelings in a sincere and honest way...a little humor thrown in...love it.. Kay...sorry your daughter can't visit more...a great comfort to share the silly things like Bachlorette...which is VERY silly...but mind numbing at the same time....something we need..distraction...hopefully by next season she will come around more and you can reconnect...I think that would be good for you... PS...can't ride the mower to hardware....forgot...it won't run...Duh!!!! Tells you how my mind is working ...or not....Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted August 8, 2011 Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 It's funny all the things you learn when you are forced to. Soon after my husband died the sprinkler heads stopped moving, so I dug up the heads and took it too Sprinkler World and got a crash course on hunter head installation and ajustments. Then a little valve on the pool pump broke so I heated a screw driver up with a blow torch and stuck it into the plastic fitting and backed it out of the hole. (I remembered seeing Mark do it once on a sprikler pipe). When I ran over a water pipe with the lawn mower and broke it off the water shot up 6 feet in the air. It took me a while but I finally found the water main shut off and learned how to cap the PVC with a new fitting. When my daughter needed a new desk we went to IKEA and then spent hours trying to put the damn thing together. She was very frustrated that I kept insisting that we put elmers glue in all the little holes for the wood pegs even thought the directions didn't say so. But I kept hearing my husbands voice telling me that it would make it stronger! When we went to grandmas cabin my son and I couldn't get the quad started, I remembered all the times my husband would drag it up the hill and pop the clutch to get it started. Guess what it worked! But the hardest thing was trying to pick out which fishing tackle we needed when we went on our first vacation after Mark died. I spent hours going through the tackle trying to remember which were jigs and which were lures. I finally googled the supply list on images and printed the pictures taking them with me to the shop to pack our tackle. I packed the light weight rod and the crazy tackle and attemtped fishing from the shore but I couldn't get the lures tied on right. LOL . I think the best parts of me are because of my husband. Because of who he was I am who I am. After 20 years together we could read each others mind. I think about all the things I learned and didn't even know I was learning, just watching. I am thankful that I kept bringing him those cold beers. But I have survived mostly by the help of dear neighbors. Everytime I can't get the truck started or question whether something should be replaced or fixed they have been there to guide me. It has taken me a while to realize how much it has helped them grieve the loss of my husband by allowing them to help me with projects. They have been so anxious to help make things easier for us and by allowing them to help me it has allowed them to feel better as well. Best of luck to all of usas our lists grow longer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyImHome11 Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 NATS, Thank you for making me laugh tonight... you reminded me of the time my husband decided to help me with the laundry. He forgot to take out his pen in his shirt... so, I had black all over my underwear, he had black all over his and his socks. And no... the blue shirt did not belong in the white load. I don't think he did the laundry after that unless it was towels... And dusting? Oh no... it would be like inviting a bull in a china shop, he didn't go near my fairies. We always used to laugh together because at the way he would drop everything. I lost more valuables than I can count... If I wanted to keep it I carried it. It's good to get the "Mars" perspective... I greatly appreciate it at this point. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 Oh trust me, I know what you're talking about..waking up to no water, going on line to learn how the Pump Tec works (I'm on a well) so I can get water back...it's things like that.But somehow six years later I'm still here...and going through my second job loss since he died. I found a job two weeks before my unemployment ran out before...am hoping and praying I will again, no matter how bad the situation is that the country is in. We've survived the unthinkable...still I won't ask what life can throw at us...I'm not that stupid! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 Carol, I was spoiled, most men are, we really don't have a full concept of what our spouses have contributed to our day to day life until they are gone, not a fun way to discover what they did...thanks for the comment on survival mode, Ruth taught me much and I am just doing as she would continuing on with her ways and developing my own, it does help a great deal having another woman in my life to guide me, Brenda has been a God send and a push for me, something most men need as we are not good housekeepers...I'm thankful both my sons from my first marriage do have a concept as to household chores we tried to bring them up with the understanding of what needed to be done to maintain a home...but Ruth did indeed spoil me... .... Deb, Yes, I have done that as well and it's so upsetting, just as missing a red T shirt and leaving it in with the light colors only to find you now have a nice new color of "pink" to the light load ...yeah the dusting is such a mystery, where does all that dust come from??...it's funny how it builds up so fast...I have not set the curio cabinet yet as I have not found the right spot yet, maybe that's a sign because that's an area that takes some time to dust with all the little trinkits and items, good thing it's enclosed the dust can't get in as fast, I will be setting it soon I have it in spot now I kinda like and allows me to enjoy all of Ruth's special pieces, one thing I did before I moved was take pictures of each shelf so I can get it set just the way she had it... Kayc, I know the well issue oh so good, our old home had a well, I did not know much about them when we met and I moved in with Ruth, she had called plumbers before I was around and I insisted we do the repairs ourself, we both learned all about wells, pumps, pressure gauges, and bladder tanks together it was a frustrating experience but we just laughed as we did the repairs, much the way we did when we did many day to day activites, I miss those days very much but they remain etched in my mind and will never be forgotten...If I can help in any way with yours just ask I'll sure give you the best answer I can... May God Bless You All... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just one more hug Posted August 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 Love all your responses to this post...makes me feel closer to all of you....and Nats..I just knew you were spoiled....that's the way God wanted it I think...We spoiled our husbands out of love and got paid back ten fold....So much love through so many years on these pages...I watch the news at 6....all the violence in London...the fugative siblings from Florida...the mass killing of family members in Ohio...What is wrong with people anyway??? There is so much love recorded here you get the sense that something must be going wrong in so many lives. Even through our grief and sadness we have to be thankful for the knowledge that we have known love and what life can really be like...even though it was not constant bliss. Seems a lot of people just don't get what is really important. So sad for them. I hope all of you having those little "blips" in your life right now...like mowers...pumps...sprinklers etc. have the good fortune I had today. My mower was transported to hardware this am...just got called....was a spark plug...$23.70.....yea!!!!!Heart can go back to it's normal rythem now...visions of much more$$$$....shame on me...did not heed Bill's words....Don't worry...Don't hurry...I'll try harder. I just know he is up there pulling for me. Must get that tattoo on my other wrist...LOL Kay...wonderful news...no surgery...somebody up there pulling for you too!!!! Wishing you only good things forward...it's your turn. Off to get my oil changed...just noticed the sticker on the window...was due 2 20 11...sorry Bill..... God bless us all....and help us visit those dark places less often...Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 Dear Friends, Trust me. It is no better when you shared everything equally. When every job takes twice as long--well there is no planning for that. And when you have a task that takes two people--and she was always that second--or you were--words don't well describe it. And part of the reason everything seems to break down at once may be that during the illness the routine maintenance did not happen. Or, in our case, when everything was bought at about the same time, then everything wears out at about the same time. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 Uh-huh, it's all wearing out about NOW! LOL Nats, Speaking of wells...when George and I had just gotten back from our honeymoon, we had well problems. I remember us out in the yard at 1:00 am bleeding the tank, ha! I thought "we'll have to quit meeting like this!"...I told him, "welcome to home ownership!" I had to work the next day, but we got a well person out and George spent the day digging with him in the pouring rain (no raincoat/rainpants, I bought him some after that)...I was sent home from work because I threw up...I remember at the end of the day the well person was packing up to go home and George said, "Where are you going?" and the guy said "home." and George said, "Oh no you're not! We haven't found the problem yet!" He could be pretty intimidating to people who didn't know him, he was really built, anyway, the guy kept digging with him and finally George found the broken pipe, he had the guy install something in between the tank and the house so we could know which direction the problem came from next time and also put in the Pump Tec, something that has really saved my bacon since! It's funny how it's stuff like this that memories are made of...the things you remember. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 Dag nab it....my air conditioner unit is leaking in the basement.....so I will have to call someone Monday to come and probably clean it out, or the drainage pipes out, or something.....Mike did all this stuff, I don't know how, guess I should watch when the guy comes!! Always something. Probably this unusual heat we have had this summer caused this....and I did not like the heat anyway!! Cooler today, thank goodness. AND rain, which we need badly. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 I am the one who was spoiled in our marriage. Bill saw things that needed fixing before I even saw them. They were quietly and expertly attended to with seldom a bill for repairs as he could fix anything. I don't believe i ever took that gift for granted but I surely know now how much he did and how much money he saved us as I have had to call in furnace, roof, window, electrician, and more in the past months. A magic wand would help a lot. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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