mfh Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 Melina, thanks so much for starting this thread. Good stuff. Distractions: Essential to survival be they your dog, a project, going out with friends, reading, ANYthing. One can not sit and cry 24/7 even if we want to. From the first week, I made a promise to myself to go anywhere once a day. I work at home right now so I had to get out. The body, if not the mind, can not handle 24/7 grieving even though you ARE grieving 24/7 and the loss is always sitting right behnd your eyes and heart. Also these distractions reassure us that we can function and will gradually function better. I read a pile of books on grieving (something I had never really studied) and was reassured esp reading the stories of other widows....they had experienced what I experienced and survived. I also read about Life after Life studies (that had substance). Tears: Tears release feelings that MUST be released. They cleanse. They are essential. I cry anywhere I want...even in Wal Mart, especially in the car and shower, with friends and stranger....we must cry. Did you men hear that? I also choose not to cry in the presence of those who give unsolicited and stupid advice as it is grist for their mills. I avoid those who try to fix me. I can't be fixed. This is not fixable. Othes: I am fairly intuitive about sensing which people are good for me and which are poison or less. I avoid poison. I am honest with those I sense I am safe with. I ask for what I need much of the time, not enough yet. I am a giver...receiving is hard for all of us. Trust your gut. It never lies. Learn to distinguish gut from anything else. My honest, btw, has cost me some relationships but not ones that were helpful or real. Firsts: I have learned the anticipation is harder than the actual anniversary or day. Since Bill died I have done my first Christmas, his 80th birthday, our 25th wedding anniversary, my 70th birthday (the day after I buried him), and all those daily firsts like the first time the dog ran through a 20 foot tunnel in obedience class (Bentley is very timid), the first painting I did in watercolor....those firsts will go on and on and on....they are lonely but we survive. Coming Home and pets: No matter where I go, coming home is still hard but not as hard. The silent house hurts. Only my dog makes it easier. I urge people to consider a dog if they can or wish to. Bentley graces my life with unconditional love. I have no kids, family is all but absent. My friends have kids and grandkids. A pet helps a bit. Second Year: I was warned many times that the second year is harder. It is not harder but it is different...and who knows when it begins. I am 6 months into year two and how it is depends on how year one is handled for one thing. The tough part is that I see a life (mine) ahead of me now where in year one I was focused on survivinig a day or an hour. I still focus on the day but I also see ahead and wonder what to do with the years I have left. frankly I am glad I am 71...a very young in attitude 71....but I figure 20 years....that is a long time to fill with meaning. It is very real. Bill IS gone and that hits hard now. In some ways year two is easier as I grow "used to" being sad, grieving, alone....if I may use that term. Oh, there is more...so much more. I always come back to living a day at a time. I am not ready to spend much time looking ahead. Quiet time to meditate, cry, read, grieve are essential. Even watching TV alone is helpful. I watch maindless TV sometimes as I work on my laptop just to put noise in the house. I finally listened to classical music a month ago but cry so I don't do that often. I can not listen to Mahler who brought Bill and I together and wove his way through our life together. I can not go to Door County in spite of invitations as Bill and I wnet there annually. It is a lovely spot in Wisconsin...the thumb on the hand of Wisconsin, a penisula surrounded by water...quaint, artsy, music, etc. Do not run about all the time. Balance...even when it hurts. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF!!!!! LISTEN ONLY TO ADVICE THAT FEELS GOOD TO YOU BUT SIFT CAREFULLY...SOMETIMES HARD TO HEAR STUFF IS GOOD FOR YOU. Oh, yes! I may be back with more...who knows. Right now I am off to day 3 of my watercolor workshop....something I am trying to see whether or not it will be the passion that fills a lonely winter evening. I hope so as i spent a lot of money on paints etc. If not, I will try sculpting. Creativity heals....it is of God. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 Deb, My friend lost her mom and brother 4 days apart a year ago. I walk through that with her and remember her saying she did not know which one to grieve and felt when she grieved one, she was ignoring the other. Losing one person is tough enough but to have to lose two close people...especially a spouse...is beyond tough. Somehow you will get through this and actually be a stronger person for it. I miss my mom right now even though I am 71 years old. She would reach out as no one else could (except Bill). Moms are like that most often. I find writing Bill letters helps me a lot. I journal daily and write to him every night...I talk to him on and off all day. That has not diminished as I approach the 18 month mark. My heart reached out to your heart. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted August 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 One more thing: I've learned that material things just don't matter. I have a couple of friends who are very interested in interior decorating: a new kitchen, expensive furniture... I don't care about any of that - which is good, since I couldn't afford it anyway and I live in an old house. Why are people so interested in STUFF? It's people who matter - who we love and who love us back. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 Oh, Mary you are so right, pets! My corgi girls keep me grounded. They have needs, and only me to meet them. They are such good company, and such spoiled little gals. It is good to have someone depending on you, and if you don't have children at home, pets are the next best thing! Love them a lot!! Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 Mary, Thanks... It's been a long weekend and it's only Saturday... the more I think about what's happening to me not processing grief the more I'm thinking I've been so focused with my husband that I really haven't given any time to my mom. My relationship with her was not perfect but I also had time over the years to address a few of these issues with her. She knew I loved her but that doesn't mean I was done talking about them if you know what I mean. Anyway... it will be a long road to haul and her only daughter and her first born she did know I loved her so I guess that's what's really important. I just need to start giving time and space to her in my head... it's just so much to deal with when my husband is big as life and never far away. As always thanks for listening. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com Deb, I understand completely. I lost my dad two weeks before I lost my husband. Harv held me as I cried many times for dad, I am the baby of the family and was always a daddy's girl. But, when harv died(I have a hard time saying that word-"died") it seems like I forgot dad died, I have to remind myself that my mom is grieving also. I like what you said about giving time and space in your head to your mom. Anyway, my thoughts are with you and hope today is a better day for you. Peace and love, Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 Hello My Friends, I've been working all weekend and just catching up a little this is a great healing/sharing thread so here's a portion of things I've learned...I will update as I know more will come to mind as the thought process is remembering... I've learned to take control of my life, for the first time accepting the things I can not change. I've learned to Love again and be Loved again, this is a different kind of Love than any I have ever felt not sure why but then why question why when we are happy. I've learned and taught myself I will control my grief it will not control me. I've learned my wife taught me so much about life I never knew until she was gone. I've learned to Love my wife in new way not focusing on the fact she is not with me, she is spoken about daily and still very much alive in my mind, body, and soul. I've learned God is always with me, when I don't feel the presence I seek it. I've learned to enjoy life in a new way helping others, being more receptive to others feelings and needs. We learn much each day sometings we thought were not possible are there we just must seek them.... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 I've learned that material things just don't matter. Melina, I am with you on this one. Material things never mattered a ton even though we have had nice homes etc. Now I could care less, clean and simple...I rarely buy clothes when I have a closetful and wear about 10% of them, etc. Values change. I feel like I am in this world but not of this world. I feel like i have one foot on the other side but I always have felt that way....now even more so. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 Dear Ones, this is such a valuable thread, and I hope you'll all keep it going for a very long time. The compilation of many of your tips and insights is now up on our Grief Healing blog, here: Voices of Experience: What I've Learned from Grief ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Dear Marty, Nice job. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Thanks so much for the feedback, Harry ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted August 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 This turned out well, Marty. It feels good to share our thoughts with others. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Marty, enjoyed the article. Thanks for posting it. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Melina, I am so glad you started this thread. Reading your thoughts on what you have learned made me realize how much progress I have made. Sometimes I just get stuck in the moment, and forget that I have actually come a long way from that January day when Mike died. I would like to think he would be proud of me for the progress I have made. I cried for him yesterday, or for me, not sure which it is. We closed our production of Annie, and had a cast party at a cast members house, with a swimming pool. All the little "orphans" from Annie had a great time in the pool. Adults sat around eating and talking, Mike would have loved it so. I stayed for a little while, then drove the 3 blocks home, crying. I think Mike's birthday coming up on Friday is making me have these SUG's more often the past few weeks. I just felt so alone, in the middle of a big bunch of people that care about me, and that cared about Mike.....but still felt alone without him. Maybe this does not sound like progress, but I think the SUG (Sudden Unexpected Grief) moments will happen for the rest of our lives. Grief does not have a timetable, and we need to not feel guilty when they happen, just let them happen, then pick yourself up and go on. It only lasted a little while, then I was fine. Just lonely. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksbeachbum Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 MARTY: The article is perfect. I am still learning and some of them are new to me and spoken with knowledge and experience, so I will take them with me and hopefully learn how to productively deal with my grief. Thank you so much and for also being here guiding us all through this difficult period in our lives. Blessings Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted August 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Mary, I'm glad you can see that you've made progress. I think those sudden attacks of grief will be there for years to come. I've accepted that, as long as I can move forward and live my life as a fully functioning individual. It sounds like you're doing just that. I had an attack of sudden grief and tears last night. But I know why. It was the first evening and first night I was completely alone in the house. Apart from the dog - she's an Icelandic sheepdog and never leaves my side, if she can help it. All four sons have now officially moved out. They will probably return for short periods - college vacations etc. But I realized suddenly that I was on my own - no one but the dog to care for from day to day. I longed for my husband. Still, I suppose I have to look at this as a learning experience too. Managing as a single woman, living independently. It's not what I expected at this point, but...that's another thing I've learned: Life is not always predictable. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Marty, the piece you did with our feedback is excellent. Thanks for doing it. I plan to print it and post it to remind myself.... Melina, I know the silence of the house with only you and the dog. it is hard enough for a mom to have her kids leave the nest but under these circumstances it is particularly difficult...the feeling of really being alone hits. I am here for you....anytime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Thanks to all of you for contributing to this important article ~ you all are just the best, and I so appreciate your willingness to share your wisdom in this way. Let's hope it reaches many, many others who can profit from its message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted August 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Marty, the piece you did with our feedback is excellent. Thanks for doing it. I plan to print it and post it to remind myself.... Melina, I know the silence of the house with only you and the dog. it is hard enough for a mom to have her kids leave the nest but under these circumstances it is particularly difficult...the feeling of really being alone hits. I am here for you....anytime. Thanks Mary. It's good to know there are close friends out there. I just wish we could all get together for some sort of Camp Widow/Widower thing. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Well, I have always wanted to see the fiords... Or maybe Wisconsin is a place that would be intriguing though not dramatic like fiords for you. Or maybe we all go to AZ....hmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 My house, 10 minutes from the phx airport, is always open for visitors! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Is Sydney too far for you all?...Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Hi all, I vote for AZ......love to go there. I can get a pretty cheap flight from Branson to Phoenix!!!! Would be great to have a get together sometime. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 I'm in! How about winter when we are shoveling deep snow up here? Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 HA, I love snow also!! Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 OK, back to what I have learned...without losing sight of a possible widow/widower camp gathering....great idea. A tough lesson yesterday that has been brewing but became crystal clear yesterday....a close friend needs to be upbeat in her life and focused basically on her life/concerns/goals/issues et al. It is clearly off limits to talk about my pain, grief or loss...tried various ways including honest statements (direct and indirect). OK to talk some about anything else in my world. She never asks how I am doing and the message is clear...the topic is off limits. She invites me to lunch but we talk about her now. I guess it is her turn though I naturally have always reached out to her ongoing stuff. She has had no real losses in her life to date that I know of, was there a lot when Bill was sick; but is off the radar now. At first I thought it was that she is younger than I am but I have lots of friends all ages...older and younger...that is clearly not the key. Lesson: Do not push it when the message is clear that someone is just not able to be there for you. Accept what friends (family) can offer. It backfires if you don't. Disappointment follows if you ignore that voice within that will tell you all you ever need to know. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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