What I've Learned

[Queeniemary]

Mary

An excellent lesson. What has been surprising to me, has been the one or two that I would not have thought would really be there for me, and have instead become rocks for me. Also, equally surprising, and very disappointing, are the few who have moved away from me emotionally. Guess they are afraid it is catching?

Very good point you made.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[melina]

Arizona in winter sounds wonderful. Last winter my main activities were 1) crying and 2) shoveling snow. If we all were to get together there would most likely be tears, but at least we won't be shoveling snow.

I also learned what others have written here: Lower your expectations about who will come through for you in a crisis, and also how much they will be willing to help.

I was certain that my sister would fly over to be with me after my husband's death. She had the money and the time. But in the end she made so many excuses that I finally - after quite some time (I was too stupid to get this through my head) - realized she did not want to come and had no intention of doing so. My mother didn't come over either. My brother didn't even contact me. That led to a lot of hard feelings and bitterness toward my family.

Luckily my four sons were supportive, as much as could be expected of very young men. My two daughters-in-law also did what they could. I don't have a huge bundle of friends, but those few that I do have were there for me. They seemed a little confused as to what they ought to do, and I was too bewildered and distraught to figure out what I needed.

One thing my friends did do for me that really helped was to make dinners that I could refrigerate or freeze, so I wouldn't have to bother with cooking.

So that could be another thing I've learned:

When you're deep in grief, and others ask what they can do to help, tell them to bring you dinners that you can heat up later, when you feel like eating.

Melina

[mfh]

Melina, I agreed the prepared meals, soups etc were a true gift...all through Bill's illness and for months after he died. Good lesson.

I am so sorry your family is/was not there for you. I understand. My sister and brother don't seem to know what to say or do and i have to learn to let go of it. It is difficult. They were there for me when Bill was sick and for about a month after and then they just quit asking as if it is time to move on or something. I do not know.

It sounds like none of your sibs or mother came for the funeral or to help later. Is that correct? So so sad. And shocking. I am sorry.

Mary

[afwah54]

Dear Melina, I'm feeling alittle lost this evening as I find myself here many other evenings, and I took a moment to pull up this wonderful website, that I too write. I lost my husband of 37yr in 2009, also have 5 grown daughters who no longer live w/me.My youngest one left me w/ her 2 cats, Boo & Nathaniel ( I don't even like cats?). I just wanted you to know that I understand all the pain and still try so desparately to make some sense out of all this, hoping to find a happy ending. If your marriage was a good one, since alot of them are not, what people lose sight of is, you & your husband were not only married w/children but were friends. Your very best friend in the whole wide world that you may never see again.So I tell myself in the privacy of my room, to think about how lucky we were to have had a love like this. As times goes by I continue to see all the value in a good & rich life I shared w/Paul. You see it's the memories shared that will be mine forever, and if no one else remembers, I sure as heck do. If I had to do this all over again I wouldn't change a thing. I'm smarter stronger wiser and capable of being mom and dad to my daughters. Thank God all 5 of them had a chance to know him in there lives. He was a wonderful father & friend and as long as I continue to love his memory and keep him close in my heart I get comfort from this. I also have 5 grandchildren, only 2 met grandpa.The #5 grandchild is a boy and we named him after grandpa, Paul. As I learn to incorporate my life w/him and emember all the conversations we had , from the beginning to the last moment, I'm confident I can do this in honor of our life together. Yes it takes time, like everything else in life, it's a process. I tell my daughters al the time to "make today better than yesterday, take alot of pictures of the kids, cause you're making memories. Make them good, make them worth something"God bless you sweetie, take care!

[melina]

Mary,

That's right, none of them came to the funeral. My husband's family were all there, but I haven't heard much from them since. I guess they don't know what to say. But I am working to put this behind me.

I have to accept the fact that some people are just never going to be there for me in a crisis, and my mother and siblings are among those people. Maybe they just don't have the energy. And my bitterness will merely sap my own energy. It's not worth it.

Afwah,

I'm sorry for your loss as well. It's true, my husband was my best friend. Things weren't always a rose garden, but we stuck together for nearly thirty years and he was a fantastic father for our four sons. They've each told me, in different ways, that they couldn't have wished for a better father. I suppose that's a comfort.

Melina

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Melina,

This is the first time reading your thread. I haven't been on much only here and there after the C-DIF. Yesterday I was on a little more. I really see that we all have learned a lot of the same things going through our grief.

I learned I got better support from Pauline's best friend Donna and husband Greg. They are always there for me. Even though now I help Greg out more after his motorcycle accident. He has became like a brother.

I also learned I had to ask for help. My neighbors next door has became part of my life too.

I learned to make a new friend, Harry. He was really just a phone call away when I needed someone so bad. He came running, and not wanting anything in return.

I have learned if I want to get my classes started, I needed to eat better healthy foods.

It was hard to ask for help, because I took care of Pauline and no one would help out. So I did everything.

I have always trusted in God, I did not have to learn this, because no matter how hard it got, He always gave us the solution, to whatever problem we had at the time.

I learned very fast that a few good friends who really understand me and my grief is better than the family. Like so many of you I have been told by Pauline's family and even my own mother to leave our apartment, we lived in so many years.

I learned that it is ok to shed tears when they come. Not so often now as in the beginning.

I have a little dog Sugar, She never left Pauline's side, only to eat and when I would home. Now she is right by me. Last Monday when I can home from the hospital after 5 days. She was so excited that I was home again. Dad, my father-in law brought me home. Later when he called to check up on me. He told me he had been having a couple bad days health wise. That when he saw how happy Sugar was to see me again, it made his day. A pet is very good to have

I have also found to keep busy each day, I go for walks, a couple times a day. It has taken a lot to get my strength back after the C-DIF. This week I am making great improvements.

I have learned to talk more to people, who are willing to listen, you would be surprised how much of a different it can make. Even If I get " I am sorry for your loss" , for me it has helped me in some way to open my heart.

Most of all I have learned OUR LOVED ONES really never leave us. I saw that first hand. I know that God is leading my journey an Pauline is my angel watching over me

God Bless you Melina for having this wonderful idea about this thread.

May God bring us all Peace into our broken hearts, and comfort our souls

Dwayne

[mfh]

Lesson: Balance each day. People and solitude, work and play, meditation/prayer and activity

Today I am having coffee with a friend early to celebrate the end of her 32 radiation treatments for breast cancer. I accompanied her to some of those. At noon I am sharing lunch with a friend whose firefighter son was in an accident and is now a quadriplegic. Tonight dinner at a friends to plan our watercolor group. Now which one do I say no to? This is one of my ongoing struggles. Three events in one day happens all too often in my world and most times saying no is difficult. I am getting better at it but then there are weeks like this one. An ongoing struggle. I know many wish they had more activity in their lives but finding the balance is the key. Too much activity and my interior work is ignored. Too little and I am lonelier than I already am.

Mary

[Chrissie]

Ok, so I live in Arizona and winter would be a great time for you all to come out!! It is absolutly beautiful here in the winter. BBQ at my place! Anybody up for horsebacking riding? I've been dying to go, but no one to go with Anyway, keep me posted.

Chris

[Dwaynecg]

Hi Chrissie,

I will probably be in school., but I would love to come to AZ. and ride horses. I haven't been horse back riding sense I was about 17 0r 18. I think that would be a lot of fun.

Dwayne

[Cheryl]

I can host a barbeque as well, plus I have a great fire pit to sit by and roast marshmellows. Not a lot of guest room inside, but lots of space outside for a party. When my sister came out last year we did alot of hiking, farmers markets ect... We can shuttle between our two homes Chrissie! I bet daveS and brianAZ would man the barbeque, I think they are both in arizona as well?

[Chrissie]

I'd like to share some of the sillier things I've learned:

1. I can set up a tent, build a campfire, and take a fish off the hook.

2. The fluids in the jeep do need checked once in a while & so does the air in the tires.

3. The propane bottles will not explode when I unhook them even if they are making a hissing noise.

4. The filters on the air conditioner are not that hard to change.

5. Never back up a trailer if you don't know how.

6. Do not punch all the buttons on the remote when the cable won't come in.

7. Accept that I will never figure out how to add pictures to the computer.

I could go on & on, but I think the most important thing I've learned is to laugh at the small things in life that go wrong. I hope I've made a few of you laugh also.

Chris

[Queeniemary]

Oh, Chris, what a great start to my day. You did make me laugh.

1. try not to feel too stupid when your 15 year old granddaughter has to teach you how to operate all the things attached to the TV: DVR, VCR, etc. There are just too many of those remote controls! THEN when I retired, they gave me a new 42" flat screen tv, and she had to teach me all over again....then I got one of those things so you can stream movies, etc...and she had to teach me again. I have 5 remotes!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope we some of us can get together in AZ this winter or sometime, that would be great. I have a sis in Prescott, and have been thinking about a trip to see her this winter or early spring. What fun that would be. Have not been on a horse in years, not sure about that, lol.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[melina]

Good ones, Chrissie and Mary. It does help to be able to laugh a little.

Another few things:

1) If you can't figure out how something works, you might find the answer on Youtube. That's how I figured out my new battery-powered screwdriver.

2) Don't paint the house while it's still wet from the rain.

3) You will make mistakes. Many of them. Accept it and say to yourself: Life is about learning.

Melina

[mfh]

Chris, I like your humor. I learned to change the filter on the furnace BEFORE calling the repairman.

Melina, I like your additions. I always say that life is a classroom....learn and grow. We all have a lot of opportunities for that these days.

Mary

[Chrissie]

Hope we can get together also, would be great. I haven't been on a horse since my 20's (long time) but what the heck, it will give the guide a good laugh. Loved the additions to the "What I've Learned List". It's good to laugh at ourselves sometime.

Chris

[kayc]

Chrissie, thank you for making me smile! I needed it! This hasn't been a great week...my dog ate my mattress (literally) then drug his quilt out of the doghouse and proceeded to pull all of the stuffing out, then got into the catlitter box and drug poop out onto the carpet that matches it perfectly for color so I didn't notice until too late...way too late...today he's giving me a run for my money and I'm exhausted!

There must be something about women backing up trailers...I haven't even tried, I know better! But I am good at handling money and am a hard worker so I'm proud of myself for what I have accomplished even though I know there's a lot of things I can't do or shouldn't attempt! I could always gut a fish but am allergic so that skill is useless to me now.

Some of the things I still can't do is move the refrigerator, chop wood, cut down a Xmas tree, or fix my car, but I can usually get someone else to take pity on me or hire it done. Still you can't hire someone to give you a hug or remember your special days, and did I ever find out how helpless and alone I was when I broke my right elbow! Still, I survived it and it's been 7 1/2 weeks now. It's amazing what we can survive!

[Salley]

This will be what my husband learned...to follow your bliss, and don't wait too long. His bliss was riding a motorcycle. He had all kinds of rationalizations why he couldn't buy a motorcycle. He waited until three years before he died. His goal was to ride cross country to San Fransicso. He never made that ride.

I am using this wisdom to help me find what I may do with the rest of my life. Can't say I have made any progress, but it is a lovely thought.

[melina]

What I learned this past weekend is that I can do some impossible things. Things I would not have thought possible to do on my own.

1) Make a 10 hour drive over the mountains, alone. Help my youngest son move into a dorm. Then two days later, drive the same route back again.

My youngest started college August 15th in a city on the other side of the country. He's been sleeping on the couch in the small apartment of my eldest son and daughter-in-law. I had to bring his things over - and that meant a drive over the mountains of Norway plus two ferry boat rides. If anyone has seen photos of the mountainous areas in this country, you'll know they are no laughing matter. Steep climbs and steep drops.

2) I can manage an empty nest - even without my husband. It's not fun, there have been many tears, but I'm managing.

Melina

[ksbeachbum]

Hooray for you Melina! We are women, we are strong!! Seriously, what a huge accomplishment and I am sure your husband is up there cheering you on. It is a two day drive to our Florida home through St. Louis and Atlanta traffic that scares me. I don't know if I am up for the challenge this winter, or if I am going to wimp out and have someone drive me down. My husband and I always shared the driving, but it was nice to have a navigator beside you. Anyway, a new first for you and you did it!!!! I am proud of you.

Becky

[melina]

Thanks Becky! I can see that a two day drive would be daunting, but maybe it will be an adventure of sorts.

Melina

[nats]

What I've learned these past few months is life can continue if we are open and honest with ourselves about our grief, not looking at constant negatives why we cannot but finding reasons why we can....

I've learned to manage my finances and pay bills something Ruth always did, but during her sickeness we did it jointly, I think she insisted this now to prep me for this time....

I've learned things that I used to hesitate doing for whatever reason are now getting done with little or no hesitation....

I've learned to enjoy how to relax some not being a constant type A personality feeling I must always be on the move....

I'm learning to share my life with someone new, taking all the energy I have to enjoy and embrace this new companionship and cherishing every single minute

taking nothing for granted....

I've learned to give thanks everyday for all I've been blessed with and the time I had with Ruth, reflecting on how much life is still left to live, knowing she would want me to continue on my life's path....

I've learned to be receptive to Ruth's presence I feel daily and the encouragement she still provides in her own sutle way....

I've learned to like myself, something I did not understand until now....

Each day I learn and grow the new normal, once again reflecting on what I can do, not what I cannot do....God is with me, Ruth is with me and I have a mission

to finish, not sure what but I have two of the best guides one could find....

Peace to All...

NATS

[Salley]

What I learned this past weekend is that I can do some impossible things. Things I would not have thought possible to do on my own.

1) Make a 10 hour drive over the mountains, alone. Help my youngest son move into a dorm. Then two days later, drive the same route back again.

My youngest started college August 15th in a city on the other side of the country. He's been sleeping on the couch in the small apartment of my eldest son and daughter-in-law. I had to bring his things over - and that meant a drive over the mountains of Norway plus two ferry boat rides. If anyone has seen photos of the mountainous areas in this country, you'll know they are no laughing matter. Steep climbs and steep drops.

2) I can manage an empty nest - even without my husband. It's not fun, there have been many tears, but I'm managing.

Melina

Melina, I've been to Norway! There is a good reason hydroelectric power is so much in use in Norway with those mountains! I too, made a similar though much smaller accomplishment. Last week I drove 8 hours on flat pavement to see my mother-in-law. I was really nervous about being able to concentrate that long, but three hours into the drive I started to feel like I could do it. It really boosted my confidence to be able to make the drive.

I am so proud of you!

[kayc]

I wish we had a thumbs up icon! Good for both of you!

George was supposed to weather empty nest and menopause with me...my youngest had gone into the Air Force and George died...he wasn't able to be there for me when I needed him and I can tell you there were times I felt gypped. We were supposed to grow old together, that's why we bought the porch swing for the patio...now the cats have taken it over. It's painful to sit out there by myself but I do once in a while. It's weird but I miss him MORE each day, not less. The more time goes by the more it sinks in how special and irreplaceable he was/is.

[melina]

Thanks Kay! I know what you mean about empty-nesting and menopause. I'm doing the empty nest, now I fear the menopause. It still hasn't descended on me.

I find that the pain of grief has lessened, but at the same time I miss Thyge more. I keep getting these flashes of memories - mostly good ones (except for the illness/hospital ones) - and that makes me miss him intensely. It's knowing I won't ever experience those things again, with THAT person.

I try to stay positive and tell myself that there will be new things to remember, new doors opening, but at the same time there is that pull from the old memories and the life I really wanted to keep living.

Melina

[melina]

Beth,

Thanks! I didn't know you'd been to Norway - whereabouts? The only thing worse than driving up and down the mountains is driving through the endless tunnels they've made through the tallest mountains. I felt like I'd never come out the other end. Still, I managed.

Good for you for driving 8 hours to see your mother-in-law! It really does something for your confidence - completing a task you've never done before. My husband liked to be in the driver's seat in general, but sometimes we'd share the driving on long stretches. At least we'd be together and talk.

I had to make the drive alone with a broken radio in the car, but I had an MP3 player. Once you're in driving mode and remember to take plenty of stops, it works out okay.

Melina