Tough Christmas Is Over...

[mfh]

Well, we did it...we all made it through Christmas. Some with scars, some with moments of fun, all with memories, most with tears and pain at some point, some with smiles, some with fear....but we are on the other side of Christmas...again.

Mine was tough. It was tougher this year than last just missing Bill and our traditions but coupled with that, I once again, stupidly (yes, stupidly), made another attempt to explain to my brother (who was here) what he just can't seem to comprehend....i.e. simply that I am grieving, that I am doing it well, and that he does not know how to reach out or even ask and then listen to how I am. It went poorly and I should know by now to honor what one of my author heroes Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls the "bite line" (i.e. staying consciously out ofreach regarding certain topics, discussions and engagements that have resulted,since forever, in (your) being bitten until your psyche's bones are cracked in half.

When will I learn to protect myself? to let go of the expectation that the communication between him and me will be different this time? to be satisfied with the many kind things he does and not expect him to understand or reach out to my pain; or even ask how I am doing and then listen and then interact...anything but changing the subject or silence; hear me in any way, shape or form? When will I learn to avoid sharing honest feelings and expect him to admit he might lack the ability to hear me? When will I give up the expectation that he might compliment me or even acknowledge that I am dealing well with losing a part of myself. I suppose if I had a leg amputated, he would get that....so visible it is, so safe. The crisis (Bill's death) is over and he has no clue what to do or say or what it means to grieve a soulmate....I should know that by now as my several attempts have been repeatedly met with silence or rebuttal as a response or even a grunt. So so so unlike my Bill. Bill forgot to remind me often enough that not all people relate as he and I did.

...and with that vent behind me (and grateful I am that I could share with you, my kindred spirits) I shall move forward as he leaves in the morning. The knots that have been in my stomach since his arrival on Friday will slowly unwind and the resentment I feel... again... will fade...again. I hope this time I have learned. We humans need to learn the same lesson so many times. Now I will focus on what is important to me and sadly let go again of family. None of them get it, their advanced degrees certainly have not helped, their professions have not helped...I KNOW that...time to let go....again.

Thanks for listening....tomorrow is another day....Mary

[dave s]

Well for me yes I made it through the day,but through the holidays? Remains to be seen....Arrived to work and was counting meds when the song by George Michaels came on "Careless Whispers"......one of the phrases is " Im never going to dance again the way I danced with you", a trigger......and the tears.....

For me I am worried about next week when the kids are home.....and then I am rebuilding myself.......not to excited about.......want things back to my old normal.....as we all do......

Mary I totally get it, with the situation with your brother.......and wonder if I was the same before this occured. Have met some great people in this situation, and recieved some great support....through some I never expected...others I thought I could count on......have dissapeared..funny those that were never really supportive, have been those with higher educations in "people professions".....who would have figured?....but spoke with my bestfriend Wes this am, he Lyndie , and I have been bestfriends since kindergarten. During this time of my,loss they have commented " I dont know what to tell you, I dont know what you are going through, but I will listen" they have both been true to that......although realize that they feel miserable about my situation.....

I know that Ihave been damn lucky to have their friendship.........

Dave

[ksbeachbum]

Yes, made it through the day. So glad it is over and although it was a comforting gentle low keyed day for me I am now taking Christmas decorations down and that is as painful as putting them up. Over with the anxiety of it all... now just sadness with putting each of those ornaments away for another Christmas without him.

Dave: My sister in law gave me a great Christmas gift. A reading with a medium that is a friend of her son's. I have to make arrangements for it and she has been to "our house" here in Florida when she came to visit a couple of months ago. I am excited and scared about this all at the same time. Stay tuned for more.

Blessings

Becky

[Queeniemary]

Christmas time went unexpectedly well for me. Been having lots of depression, finally agreed with my physician that maybe a mild anti-depressant might be a good thing. I am taking the low dose of the generic of Celexa, and I can already tell a little bit of difference. I was so dreading all the holiday stuff, but we had a great trip (daughter, family, and Great Granny, and daughter's step mother) to Missouri for Christmas with my sons and families on Friday. We had 23 adults, and 4 children under 4 all together, turned out to be a great time. Then came home on Saturday, and my friend Tom and I went to Christmas Eve dinner at a good friend's house. There were 8 of us, and a place set for the Christmas angel. It was good. Then on Christmas day daughter and family came over for breakfast, and gift exchange, and we wound up playing a game called The Logo Board game until my daughter had to get ready for work. It was a good day, and now the Christmas time is over, and I am ready to get into the new year. In just a few weeks it will be 2 years since I lost Mike. Sometimes still it just seems like yesterday.

I hope for us all a measure of peace in the coming year.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Dave, I am so glad you had the kids....kids and dogs are healers or can be. Yes, some people know how to reach out and do it and others do not. I have learned a lot about that since Bill died....and find myself much more understanding and compassionate to those in grief. It does not take much to trigger the pain...as the song did and yes, when they all leave the emptiness can be difficult. I understand. I am here.

Becky, I understand about taking the tree down and once again handling each ornament and remembering. I admire you for putting one up. I did see a medium about 6 months after Bill died. It was a great experience...it was George Anderson whose reputation is impeccable...expensive treat for myself and do not regret spending the money. I learned he has a staff of 8 who handle his schedule etc. So did not mind the money. I wish you well with this experience and will look forward to reading about it if you choose to share.

Mary, I am so glad the weekend went well for you and found you able to enjoy. It sounds like Mike and Bill died about the same time. Bill died March 27, 2010 and like you I can hardly believe it is two years...seems like yesterday and also seems like eons since he was here. Strange the tricks time plays with our minds.

My brother left this morning. I sat and sobbed because of the gulf between us. A friend called and we talked for an hour and I entered her world and she helped me break through the tears and find laughter again. Onward to a new year for all of us...and like you, Mary, I wish some kind of peace for all of us.

Peace

Mary

[Leann]

Hi, Mary:

I'm breathing a sigh of relief as well. Not that Christmas was terrible, but I was just content to celebrate in my own way this year. Now that both of my parents are gone (my Mom passed away on December 8th), I just needed to rest. Told my family that I would come to visit them later in the week. I'm just so weary of everyone in my family asking me, "Are you ok? You seem depressed." I finally told one of them, "Well, I just lost my Mom! How do you think I'm going to feel!! I'm doing the best I can right now!!" Guess I've arrived at the anger stage and I guess some of them mean well. My body feels like it has been hit with a truck right now after Mom's long illness, so I didn't think resting now and spending time with family later this week was such a bad thing. I just wanted a softer, quieter, gentler Christmas this year.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you negotiate the remainder of the holiday season and beyond.

Hugs,

Leann

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Mary,

I had a wonderful CHRISTmas Day, I was up early spent time reflecting on Pauline and my life together, all the fun we had, all the laughter and JOY we enjoyed together alone, with her helping hand monkeys and all the other pets we had though the years. I put my suit and new pink shirt with a red tie that has very small green wreaths on it, with my new black vintage cowboy boots with Spanish crosses on the toe the heel the shank, front and back. Pauline taught me well. I went to church, so many people complemented me, on my taste and style. Then off to Pauline's sister's Geri's house for dinner. Everyone said that I should carry a bat to keep the girls away. We ate had a great time, then it was to Greg and Donna's home, we exchanged gifts, they loved what I got them. Donna said it was like it was from Pauline, I said I know, and what they got me was very good taste, part of it I can use with my shirt I had on, for a different look. I had a far much better day than I thought it would be. The only bad part was , I got home at 10 PM and hand to get up at 2:30 AM and drive to Boston to meet a flight coming in from LA. Pauline's Aunt is moving out there, and her Niece flew out to help her pack. I will take tem back to Boston on Saturday early morning.

God Bless

Dwayne

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for the very insightful questions in your original post in this topic.

My mother passed in May, and my relationship with my sister has grown more distant - and tricky - than ever.

The questions that you asked of yourself regarding your brother are questions that I ask of myself as well. I work with my sister a few times a week, and have always wanted us to be closer. With my dear mother's help, we did manage to get a bit closer than we had been as kids.

I love my sister. Unfortunately, I think she still sees me as the little sister she never wanted (and resents) -- instead of the allies we could be. If I share my honest feelings with her, they are usually just used against me. So, as you ask, when will I learn?

When (some) people see us shopping together, they say, "Oh look -- it's so nice to see you sisters together -- it must be so nice" -- I have a positive response to this -- but my sister looks at me like she tolerates me. This is kind of embarrassing, as you can imagine. I know we are different types of people, but having her "in my corner" might only happen (as you say) if I am hospitalized - maybe?!

I found my sister's autograph book from her "Sweet 16". In it, I wrote (as a six year old, with my older brother's help), "Happy Sweet 16 -- I hope you love me". I find this very sad. As we are now 50 and 60-year-old women, sharing a profound change in our family dynamic through the loss of our mother (and brother 4 years ago), and still, our relationship can only go so far it seems.

As you wrote...Time to let go.

It's so difficult.

Thank you again for your heart-felt words, and I will look into the author you wrote about as well.

[mfh]

I am glad, Miss Ngu, that my ponderings have been helpful. I always hope that in addition to posts helping me they can help others. Estes most popular book is Women Who Run with the Wolves....she is a Jungian analyst, storyteller, women's activist and all around awesome person. The book takes fairy tales (archetypal in nature) and she analyzes them using Jungian principles...and the goal being to help women find their voices, thrive and actualize. Bill and I read it together after I read it myself. It is good for any man who loves a woman....

I have a sister also where the relationship is strained. We all grew up in an alcoholic home and it seems that I am the only one who acknowledges the fall out of that. Each found a way to deal with it in their own way....I chose to look hard at all of it and work on myself. One can not force the issue. If you wish to read the entire article I quoted, I can email it to you. this program would not let me attach it. Let me know. It is excellent.

Leann, thanks for your post. Just some information...you mentioned being at the anger stage...I believe anger weaves itself in and out of our grieving process. There are no stages as once thought...each of us is unique and anger might come and go for some and for others it is a non-issue. I think your choice to stay home was so so healthy...you honored your own need instead of honoring a big "should."

Peace,

Mary

[mfh]

Last night at the Kennedy Honors Glenn Close sang this song (Losing my mind). Most of it (barring the line about you said you loved me etc. seems to describe my days many times and I would bet it describes many of your days/nights also. Glenn Close did a great job with it.

The sun comes up, I think about you.

The coffee cup, I think about you.

I want you so, it's like I'm losing my mind.

The morning ends, I think about you.

I talk to friends, and think about you,

And do they know, it's like I'm losing my mind.

All afternoon, doing every little chore

The thought of you stays bright.

Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor

Not going left, not going right.

I dim the lights, and think about you.

Spend sleepless nights, and think about you.

I want you so, it's like I'm losing my mind.

Does no one know, it's like I'm losing my mind.

All afternoon, doing every little chore

The thought of you stays bright.

[DebbieS]

I thought I was doing pretty well, then I got home and was almost immediately vomiting. I wasn't nauseous. It seemed to come from nowhere. I think it was holding my emotions in check. I woke up the day after Christmas feeling like Mike died just a few weeks ago. It hasn't been that long, Sept 9, 2011. My brain tells me lies- that I don't belong anywhere. I just want to be with him. I don't know how long I will have to wait to be with him. I spent the whole day crying and feeling out of touch. I went back to work yesterday for the first time since September 30th. I am exhausted. It takes a lot of energy to be back at work and deal with the emotions that are coming up. I'm supposed to be with a bunch of pals for the new year. I hope I make it.

[mfh]

Oh, Debbie, I am so so sorry. You are still so raw...September is so recent. Mike did die just a few weeks ago...I agree that holding in our tears and pain can really upset our systems. When you said you are supposed to be with a bunch of pals for the new year, it made me wonder if you really want to be....I hope you can honor YOUR needs and do what you choose to do. These holidays are so very challenging to all of us...filled with memories, traditions, special moments...on top of grieving the loss of the most important person in our lives. I wonder if you have joined a grief support group with Hospice. I did that. It was just a few sessions but it helped a lot. And I saw a grief counselor for a while and on occasion still check in....just ideas that might assist you on this path. Know that we are all here for you....

My stomach was in a knot all weekend and is just starting to un-knot itself....being with others, not wanting to be the cloud of doom and gloom and yet screaming to talk about our pain and unable to do so with most....it is hard on the body and now back to work where you once again have to table it all day. I journal a lot, write Bill letters, talk to him out loud in the car and at home....and it was 21 months yesterday since he died. Be gentle with yourself....

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Mary, I could so relate to what you wrote. I also grew up in an alcoholic home, compounded by my mom's insanity and abuse. Have you ever read "Adult Children of Alcoholics"? It was very insightful to me. It explains how it affects us...some become super responsible (me) and take on the role of caretakers, others become very irresponsible and don't face reality, it hits us all, just differently. It's important to acknowledge you don't need your brother's approval (or anyone's) and to do your own patting yourself on the back for a job well done in your grieving process...we all need to do that...others, they just don't get it at all.

Sometimes I wonder if even though we're born in the same family, we might be better off limiting our time together...esp. in cases where the relationship seems to continually have a negative affect on us. I don't think it's a bad thing to protect ourselves. (Thinking of sister that wishes she wasn't).

[mfh]

Hi Kay,

When Bradshaw et al were doing all their ACOA writing in the 70s I was working hard and had been on ACOA issues. I devoured that stuff and in my office with clients it has been one of the first issues I address. I even bought my nieces books on being the grandchild of an alcoholic (hoping) but none of that is ever discussed in our family...never. I gave up on connecting, really connecting, years ago but when Bill died I guess my buffer was gone (Bill) and I hoped my sibs would step up to the plate. Why I hoped that is beyond belief....it never worked before so why would it now. I finally after this event (Christmas visit) KNOW I must just drop it and accept them as they are and stay behind the "bite line" (Estes). Bill got it and for many many years the family was a non-issue and I must relegate it to that status again. ACOA issues are so so prevalent and so ignored. Yes, we must protect ourselves and I have been for years and years and then when I felt so alone after Bill died, I just hoped beyond hope that they would be there for me. They can't....not as I need them to be.

I remember reading Estes in the early 90s and somewhere she said sometimes it feels like some of us were dropped into the wrong chimney by the stork There is family of origin and family of choice. I am blessed with a decent size family of choice....

Off to distribute again. Thanks for your input and for sharing.

Mary

[DebbieS]

Thanks, Mary. I have gone to a widowed to widowed group three times. I am scheduled to go this next Tuesday at 6:30. I am finding that I have no energy for extras after I leave work.

You are very insightful regarding new years eve. I don't want to go to this event. I am supposed to go out tonight as well. All I want to do is sleep. I purchased the supplies to make Moussaka, but I really don't have the energy to make it. It's not that it is at all difficult, I am just tired. I am going to take a nap and see if I have enough energy to follow through when I wake up.

[mfh]

You are like the rest of us. Commitments come hard. I seldom give firm answers to events...my friends know that if I am dragging, I won't be there. Initially I ran to everything fearful of being left out....without Bill it was frightening. I did not care previous to that. Now I listen to my body and my spirit and decide what feels right for me each time. I hope you can honor yourself and your own needs and voice.

Mary