mfh Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 I love the owl story....and sewing....and walking the dog....I think it is those kinds of things that help me by distracting me at the least and in helping me find hope that life will have good moments. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Thanks Mary, It's odd though how easily my mood can swing from "okay" to "bad" with just one minor event. Today at work the neighbor phoned me to say that my dog had gotten out into the street, so he had her at his house. He owns a kennel. She hadn't been hit by a car or anything. When I picked her up the neighbor said that she had gotten out several days in a row and had more or less been barking the entire time I'd been at work. I don't know why he didn't tell me this before. It must have started when my son left for college last week. The dog isn't used to being all alone. It sounds like the "at home" neighbors were pretty ticked off at me. Now I feel horrible again. It feels as though the entire world hates me. I know it's my fault - I should have secured the dog door better - but I wish that just one wonderful thing could happen. Something that would really lift my spirits. Had to get that out. Sorry. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Melina, We are so raw and fragile. It takes very little to send me to tears....a flash of an ad on TV that shows something that trips off a memory; Bentley having a tooth pulled last week and having his energy soar afterwards telling me he has been in pain and I did not know it-thought he was getting old; someone who really cares asking me how I am....these and more will have me in tears in one flash of a second. I am learning to allow those and then to distract myself with something...almost anything. I am so glad your dog did not get injured. Thank goodness the neighbor called and took her in even though he was peeved. He probably wants you to kennel her there Never apologize for "getting things out"....we all do it and need to and sometimes this place is the place by choice or by lack of any other appropriate place at the time. Our soulmates are not here 24/7 like they once were...Peace, Mary PS I just saw this quote on Facebook from Transcending Loss by Prend. Grief is like a winding road. You go forwards, you go backwards, you loop around, you backtrack, you round a corner . . . do not judge yourself on this unpredictable journey. Grief will take you to places that you never imagined, that you didn't even know existed. Be patient with yourself and with the extremely nonlinear process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Okay - taking up the thread from Anne. Yesterday I found one positive thing - I can't quite call it "joy" - but it was up there on positive experiences: I was walking the dog as usual and decided to take a new path I'd never taken before. I ended up getting lost (that's not the joyful part), but as I was walking, an owl suddenly flapped past me. It landed on a stump nearby and looked at me. I've never seen an owl that close before, and certainly not in the middle of the day in bright sunshine. Then it flew away. There were a couple of other things that weren't so bad either, but this is my "joy" of the day. Melina Good for you Melina!!! I am an avid Birder and would have loved to see that owl. How exciting. I applaud your willingness to try a new path. Not freaking out when you realized you were "taking that path less traveled" (that's what Dick called being lost) and the gift of the visit with the owl. Definitely a Joy Experience. Small Steps. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Melina, That is exactly what I meant when I first started focusing on the "finding a joy in each new day" nearly seven years ago...sometimes it's a baby's smile or kiss from my dog, or seeing a rare bird on my property or a stranger's kindness, it can be anything big or small, the point is focusing on it and embracing it even if just for a moment. It does get us into a positive frame of mind for that moment and it all helps! There is an owl that visits my property every year, he sits up in a certain tree and does his whooing. It's stuff like that that makes me want to hang onto my property if at all possible. If I moved, I probably wouldn't see him again. And it's a treat! Ask any city slicker who never got to see one before. About the dog, sometimes neighbors need to be patient, we can't control our dog's every response. If the dog is inside with you in the night when they're trying to sleep, well that's the best they can hope for. I remember when I was taking care of my son's dog, Skye, when my son was in NY for 3 1/2 months. A neighbor's dog was in heat and of course they let her run around free...Skye was tied up in my back yard while I was at work. That night I got a phone call from a neighbor informing me I needed to do something about Skye, that he howled from 7:00 am on (when I left for work and tied him up). I told her we hadn't had a problem until Molly was in heat and Molly was coming over to our place and staying just out of Skye's reach, tormenting him unmercifully! I told her if she could get Molly's owner to keep her dog inside when she's in heat, the problem would take care of itself...and it did. Sometimes we need to realize that animals are behaving the way they are for a reason...sometimes we can do something about it and sometimes we can't...sometimes we need to give them time to adjust and be patient with them in the process. My heart goes out to your dog (you too). Is there anything he can take for anxiety? He'll probably be okay once he is used to his new routine, some adjust quickly, others take longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Neuroscience shows that thinking positive thoughts (when we are able to) changes the brain, creates new neurons and pathways and makes it easier to think positively. Our MD at Mayo discussed this with us before Bill died and life was so tough. We tried...succeeded sometimes. I try to remember this when I look for good moments...my painting brings calm moments. I just started and am a true beginner but am slowly learning how to deal with watercolor and a brush and drawing. Each attempt teaches me something about painting and about me. For those who think they can't paint, my first teacher last summer said to the group of beginners that if we worked at it, we could all be in galleries in 5 years. Well, that sounds a bit much but if I could sit down and paint and be satisfied with the process (it is all about the process and losing yourself in it-which helps me a lot) and sometimes the finished product...that would be sufficient. My art group (Local Color) is exhibiting in July. I am the only beginner in the group of 7 very talented experienced women/friends....Right now I have nothing I feel is good enough to exhibit but I have almost 5 months to come up with a couple and may exhibit some I do not feel good enough about. The rest have years of work to show. I will post my latest soon.... Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 OK, here it is. I saw this book cover, Snort's Special Gift, and loved it. So I made changes to it that suited me and used it to do my version. The book is about pet loss. Of course, I see everything I need to improve but slowly and surely I am learning to paint. I call this Sharing Pain. (I have a Golden Retriever, Bentley, who is my therapist and teacher) Mary Sharing Pain pdf.pdf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lance Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Melina, I am quite the introvert. I dont think any social event would be doable for me.That part of me isnt going to change at this point in my being.I just started planting blueberries, boysenberries and grapes. Mary,I would absolutely display that picture at the exhibit,PROUDLY. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Beautiful, Mary ~ I agree with Lance ~ and I love it! ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Dear Mary, You do know how hard watercolor is, don't you? And you can do this after a few months' work? Lady, you have talent. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Thanks to you all. Onward I go. I appreciate you taking a look. I will keep on.practicing. It helps with the pain...if any of you wish to take up painting. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Beautiful watercolor, Mary. Keep it up! Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Melina, I am quite the introvert. I dont think any social event would be doable for me.That part of me isnt going to change at this point in my being.I just started planting blueberries, boysenberries and grapes. Mary,I would absolutely display that picture at the exhibit,PROUDLY. I would love to grow berries and grapes. Nothing will grow up here now at 32 F. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 I see that most people have something they can occupy themselves with to ward off the grief and pain - for a while anyway. But what do you do when huge waves of despair hit you? Not sure if many of you have those. Evenings are the worst for me. I turn on the tv just to hear someone talking. The dog isn't very good at that. The silence and aloneness become so enormous, sometimes I just take the dog and go for a walk in the dark - even though the sidewalks are covered with ice. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 I would love to grow berries and grapes. Nothing will grow up here now at 32 F. Melina Here it is: Spend winters making pies, wine, sending all of us muffins, etc. These survive in temps down to minus 30 degrees...there are tons of leads. I googled cold climate grapes, etc. Worth a look/see. I do believe have the Voice to do and the painting helps a lot. When those waves of grief come in and sweep me under, especially in the evenings, I watch TV (or like you it is on for noice) can not listen to most music that i like...makes me sadder. I cry, surf the net, cry. I try to read, I do write (journal my pain) a lot, email someone who gets it, hope I have something scheduled with someone who gets it. I usually cannot paint when I am that low....and they happen often. Tears sit behind my eyes ALWAYS....I had a massage today and the gal (a friend) who is a massage therapist asked me how I was....out come the tears....pain is always there. Cold climate grapes http://www.bhvineyar...te%20Grapes.pdf http://viticulture.h.../cultivars.html http://perrysperenni...les/grapes.html Cold climate blueberries http://www.hartmanns...ts_bluecold.htm Cold climate raspberries http://gurneys.com/h...berry-/p/72260/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Mary, I LOVE your painting!! Melina, don't bet on it (that we don't go through that)...what you described sounds like my life! I've just gotten (sort of) used to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 The painting is wonderful Mary, love it!! I have thought I might like to try my hand at painting, and you are inspiring me! I am going to think seriously about it. And yes Melina, we all go through that, and as Kay says, I have just gotten used to getting through it. I hope a time comes when I don't have to any more. Mary, I went ahead and met the friend of a friend for coffee. He seems very nice, and was very nice to me, but I could hardly wait to get out of there. Don't think I will do that again. Wonder if I will ever be ready, I am thinking not, at least certainly not for a long time, maybe never. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Hi Mary I admire you for going for coffee with that man and for acknowledging your feelings when you got in touch with your discomfort. As for the future, who knows when or if you will be ready...you will know. Just be where you are now. As for painting, I find it really calming and am trying more and more to paint what I feel. Just technique bores me. If you want me to prepare a list of what you need, I will do that. Are you interested in watercolor, acrylics (open or traditional) or oil? It helps to get guidance even if it is DVD but if there is a class to get started it would help. Happy to assist if you wish. Four friends just left my house and they are in my paint group. They reminded me when they saw the painting I posted how the first painting was an apple. And how far I have come. I urge you to do it if it feels inviting. That is how I started....with a Class that just taught various ways to use the paint. I am trying to get on top of exercise and these women all volunteered to walk with me daily. I am lucky to have these women in my life. Let me know if you need some info on paint etc. it makes a big difference. Someday, I will feel very good about a painting....I am learning patience with myself peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Dear Melina, When it really all goes to hell I have a collection of old comedies. i put one in the DVD player and hope I can laugh my way out. When that fails i write something. When that fails I sit back and cry it out. Hope any of this is useful. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Mary, What a nice painting. You are doing good work girl. Keep up the effort. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 I see that most people have something they can occupy themselves with to ward off the grief and pain - for a while anyway. But what do you do when huge waves of despair hit you? Not sure if many of you have those. Evenings are the worst for me. I turn on the tv just to hear someone talking. The dog isn't very good at that. The silence and aloneness become so enormous, sometimes I just take the dog and go for a walk in the dark - even though the sidewalks are covered with ice. Melina Dick has been gone for almost 4 years. The first two years about killed me. I could barely function. Despair and sadness would hit me like a tidal wave and almost take me to my knees. I could barely remember my name and had to write everything on a list....almost listing to go to the bathroom? I would lay awake at night until I just could not do that any more and then get up and pace the living room. I would actually IRON. I hate to iron, but I would put up the ironing board and iron, it did make the time pass in the middle of the night. I was totally pathetic. I hated to leave the house because I would have to come back into that empty building and feel the loneliness hit me like a brick wall. The dogs would run to greet me, the run to the door looking for "their Dad". Then run back to me and bark like they were saying Where is he??? What have you done with him??? It broke my heart every single time and I would just stand there and cry. Moving to Colorado was probably a good thing for me. I left the house and the memories of Dick in that house back in Kansas. The dogs seems to be happier away from the memories too. Evenings are still hard for me. Dick and I both worked in the public and dealt with people all day long. When we came home from work, we just wanted to spend time together; watching TV, working in the yard, going for a drive, etc. Now, I spend time alone. I have finally, after almost three years, been able to start a hobby (knitting) and am finding some volunteer activities that help take up time. I do not expect to never be lonely again and to never miss Dick. That said, I will remind you that it has been 4 years. The first two years were sheer hell. There is no way to sugar coat that fact. I just had to grit my teeth and keep on taking one step at a time, stumble backward and try again. I think we all have to find those things that help us individually. Time, in my case, has not cured all things, but it has made me realize that pain is going to happen; I have survived the pain and it will not kill me. I will survive the pain again and again and again. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Mary, What a nice painting. You are doing good work girl. Keep up the effort. Anne Thank you, Anne. Painting helps me heal a bit. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Anne and Mary, Knowing you still had heavy grief at 1 1/2 years - where I am now - helps me to feel a little more patient. I had a couple of friends tell me that my grief has turned into something pathological if I'm still have such huge waves of despair. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still here because I have some sort of important work to do - so that puts pressure on me too. Sounds stupid, I know - but I feel like I should not only be over the worst of the grief, but also out there saving the world in some respect, doing something noble. Mary and Kay - I see you've been through the same feelings as well and are still standing. That's great, mary, that you've been able to get out and have coffee with a man - whether it goes anywhere or not. Harry - I also end up watching tv to blast the loneliness and grief away for a bit. Sometimes it's sci-fi, but if things are really bad - I have to choose comedies. And if things are just one deep dark pit, I sometimes watche blooper reels of my favorite tv shows on youtube. It sounds pretty low-brow - but that's where I am right now. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Mary, I have an artist friend who has a gallery here in town. He also has art classes, and I think in a few weeks I will get in touch with him, and see about a class. His 92 year old mother that he took care of just passed away, so I will give him a little time. I don't even know enough to know what medium I would choose. He starts with the basics, drawing circles and so on. I have talked to him before about the class, and now think I will get serious about it. Appreciate your offer of advise on paints, etc. I will probably take you up on that when I decide what medium I want to pursue. Thank you Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Metteline, I am a month away from the 2nd anniversary of Bill's death (March 27) and the waves of grief (I call them tsunamis for their power and size) sweep me under...not as often but I never know when they will come. I figure it takes as long as it takes. I do not get impatient with that part of it. I have very bad days but not as often and still cry at least once a day and live with tears behind my eyes all the time. I can cry on a dime. Your friends sound like most of society with incorrect knowledge of grief. When their turn comes they will see how long it takes....sadly. I love how you have been looking for positive moments...it helps me and every one here who has posted....and it is good for our brains The TV has become a distractor for me in the evenings...I might even be working on my computer while it is on. On occasion I can return to listening to music either in the background or with full attention. Baby steps....for all of us. Mary, I started with open acrylics. This is a new type of acrylics that does not dry as fast as the old kind. Golden is the only brand that makes them right now. I also have books on mixing colors as it means buying fewer tubes of paint. I then took a week long intro to watercolor (that I barely remember as it was so close after Bill died) and found that I loved them. So that is what I have done. I have only had that one week and one weekend of lessons so far but my group members are all watercolorists and our mentor comes once a month and critiques and teaches. You may want to experiment with each type of paint if possible but I love watercolor and eventually will mix them with acrylics. I am glad you have someone nearby who will teach you....super. I took a class called Drawing from the Right Side of the Brain also. I had a poor teacher but learned the basics. There is a book that teaches it as well. It really helps one to see. If I can share what I know at anytime, as a beginner, let me know. I am so glad you are going to contact him. If you choose to pursue it, you will find it calming and rewarding and something to invest energy and focus into. An excellent book you can be reading in the meantime is Making Color Sing..... Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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