melina Posted March 1, 2012 Report Share Posted March 1, 2012 Marty - and everyone else, After I saw that one of my posts had been used in the grief blog, I started thinking about the privacy of our messages in this group. Of course I realized when I joined this forum that my words could be read by anyone out there in cyberspace. But in my grief, I didn't give it much thought. I was more concerned with connecting with others in my situation - getting some relief from this awful pain. I cringe thinking of all the things I've devulged in this forum. Quite personal things as a matter of fact. Obviously you're not thinking clearly when you're deep in the trenches of grief. This group has meant a lot to me. It's saved me many times when I've been truly desperate - because I realized I wasn't alone. So maybe all the things we've expressed in this public site can help other grieving people out there - but at the same time, I feel exposed and vulnerable. I'm considering unsubscribing after copying my archived posts, but it's with a heavy heart. I don't want to lose the friends I feel I've made here. Is there any way we can "talk" without the whole world listening in? If not - I think it might be best to leave. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted March 1, 2012 Report Share Posted March 1, 2012 Marty will have to respond to this for you. The site is such a source of support to all of us. I've never worried about a privacy issue, I don't use my name, etc. and the people here are grieving, not interested in exploiting any one's privacy. I hope you will think more about not leaving here, that would be a shame. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 1, 2012 Report Share Posted March 1, 2012 Oh my dear Melina, it hurts my heart to think that you would consider leaving us, after all we've been through together ~ and before you decide to go, I'd like to share some thoughts with you. First, although this is indeed a "public" forum, and everything posted here is "out there" for all to see in cyberspace, I doubt very much if a site like this one is of very much interest to anyone other than the bereaved. I simply cannot imagine people coming here to read through all our posts just for the fun of it, or for any other frivolous reason. People who come here are self-selected, and usually come here looking for a safe place to take their grief. The same is true for those who find their way to my Grief Healing blog. They are people facing or coping with loss, and they are looking for information, comfort and support. As we often say on this very site, it is the bereaved themselves who are the experts, and it is by giving the bereaved a voice (on sites such as this one, and on blogs such as mine) and a platform that their voices can be heard by other people. I believe very strongly that there is a profound educational value in doing this, as I think it makes all of us kinder, more compassionate, more patient and more understanding toward one another. What is more, except for the details you yourself have shared, neither I nor anyone else here knows who you really are; your personal identity is known only to you. In that sense, your identity is protected. I'm so sorry that you're feeling so exposed and vulnerable, Melina, and I certainly won't try to talk you out of feeling that way. All I can tell you is that I know ~ I know ~ that what you've shared with all of us is helping so many of us know that we are not crazy and not alone in our reactions to our losses, and I think that is a priceless and most generous gift. Nevertheless, it is a gift that should be given freely and intentionally. You are one of our most precious and valued members, and I hope with all my heart that you will decide to stay with us ~ but if you decide to leave,that certainly is your privilege ~ and if that is what you decide to do, I will understand completely. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 1, 2012 Report Share Posted March 1, 2012 Hi Metteline, I feel so badly that you feel so exposed and vulnerable. You and I know this is a safe, supportive, non-judgmental and compassionate place to come any time day or night. You know I am blessed to have a lot of friends, many who are really supportive. But they all have lives of their own and needs of their own. Most have never lost a spouse and none of them had a relationship like I was graced to have with Bill. They admit that and witnessed what we had. Though they reach out, they can not comprehend what I lost. No one can...not even on this forum...but I find something at this forum that I do not find with these friends...(granted they offer something also that I can not find here.) On this forum I can, anytime I feel the need, share what I am experiencing or feeling. I can "scream" or vent or whatever and someone hears me and responds. If I called on my friends to share my feelings as often as I share on this forum, I think there would be problems. Eventually they would get tired especially since they do not really know what I lost. Only Bill would be as patient as I need. It is seldom that we have a place to go 24/7 that offers what this site offers. You and I have made connections here and feel supported without any need to explain ourselves or hide our pain. That is huge for me, for all of us. I know Marty had absolutely no intentions of contributing to your feelings of vulnerability when she created that post. You know her well enough to know that she would never do that. She is far too respectful and caring about people's pain. She made sure there was no way anyone would know it was you. I read the post from the grief blog a while back and even though I know you and maybe even read the post when you made it here, it never dawned on me that it was you. I was just interested in the content which I found so helpful. The post, was in my mind, something that someone had said/written to Marty at some time by a real but totally anonymous person who was in deep pain. Nothing in there indicated it was you who posted it. Maybe mine have been there also....I do not know. I do trust Marty's discretion totally. I would never tell you not to feel whatever you feel. You know that. You feel what you feel and I honor that. I just hope you will not let those feelings lead you away from a place I know you value. Life is hard enough without walking away from a supportive place. Before I found this site, I had tried several others and left all of them within 5 minutes of logging on. Just my input and hoping you will stay with us. Peace and love Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 Melina, although I realize I am usually logged in here, I havent read any blogs as of lately....others things good and challenging happening in my life. Hate to hear of you thinking about leaving this site, the site where I have appreciated others vulnerablity, as it has helped me cope with my own....which has saved my life......no not suicidal here but didnt care if I lived or died.......a feeling I know has been shared by others.. Havent cared what others, now know about me...I was in the closet before this all happened, and feel that others, if they really are that concerned enough to spend the time looking up my blogs......well then they really need to be educated about this loss, and how it has affected me......and how I am attempting to find some peace with my past and move forward...... You alone know what is best for you, I have personally benefitted from your experience, so Thankyou for sharing what you have....Best wishes...Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 Dear Melina, Please stay with us. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted March 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 First let me clarify that I'm not in any way blaming Marty for posting my words to the blog. That's perfectly okay - and it doesn't bother me at all. This is not what worries me. The blog just made me consider all the things I've written. And what worries me is all of the very personal things I've said - stupid things I've done that I've told people about - that I suddenly realized had been public material. All along everything I've said has been "out there" for all to see. That's what made me suddenly feel exposed. I knew when I joined up that this is how it was - so I've not been led to believe anything else. And I don't know why this should bother me, but it does. I see the value of offering everyone an insight into grief, our grief. Maybe we can help other people. It's just that this realization hit me and I keep thinking about it. It's obviously not a big deal for the rest of the group. I'll have to give this some thought. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 I am sorry Metteline, I misunderstood and thought you were upset that your quote was used in the post. I do hope you will stay with us. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salley Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 Melina, I understand your concerns. At one time I had the same concerns and they were responsible for my confusing names(s) of Salley/Beth. It is a big deal for me. I have searched the Internet for insights for being a caregiver and losing a spouse. I participated in a closed/private 10 week caregiving forum that frankly was not helpful. The people who were enrolled did not participate and I felt the moderator was not a compassionate person. Whether those two things were related, I do not know. I looked at other grief support forums. But I felt most at home here. I read much more than I post. I really appreciate your contributions to this forum, you really add so much to our discussions. And I have infinite respect for Marty and Mary. After my experience with the private caregiver forum, I really appreciate their guidance and reading referrals. Beth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 I have posted my innermost thoughts here for seven years but I don't feel it's all that public because first of all, someone would actually have to run across it to connect it to me and second of all, who would care to read it besides my fellow widow/ers? There's nothing there that can keep me from getting a job or that would deny me credit, what harm can it do to me? Also, if they have time to read 4400 posts, more power to them! Maybe you could change your username or picture if it'd make you feel better? Or just start with a new one and let the old one be archived? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 Melina, I appreciate your concern, I truly do. I guess I have never thought about it in that way, public vs private. I doubt that anyone I know in my life here in Arkansas, or my family reads these posts. I always feel comfortable putting out information here that I might not share with them. I can put that information out here, because I know the people who have become my friends and fellow travelers on this site understand. Because we have all been there at one time or another, sudden attack of grief, cleaning out a drawer and finding something of Mike's and just bending over with sorrow and grief, the anger at the universe at his death, and a little bit at him (why did he leave me). Unless someone has been there, as you know, they just don't understand, and God knows I don't want them to travel this road. Getting back to the public vs private, I am just not sure there is anything private anymore. The truth is I really don't care, the support and empathy that I receive on this site, and the support that I hope I can provide are too important to me. Without this site, I might think that there was something wrong with me, to still be grieving after two years, and to still feel such pain at times. I too have tried other grief sites, and have left all of them. This site has been one of my main sources of comfort and help since April, 2010, and I am so grateful to Marty for her guidance and wisdom. On sites that I know people that I know will see the postings, example, FaceBook, I am pretty careful about what I post, and do not really post a lot, just respond mainly to friends and family. However, here, I feel comfortable letting it all hang out! I think if my family or friends here at home read my posts on here, I would be all right with it, but it would be really hard on them to know how much pain I still live with. They would treat me as fragile, and that does not happen here, and I am grateful. Don't really need more kindness, I get enough from good friends and family, just need someone who understands....you guys! I do understand your concern, and you must do what you feel is right for you, but I will tell you that I will miss you greatly if you leave. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkanss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted March 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 Okay, I'm sorry to have overreacted. Guess I just can't stay away.. .. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted March 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 By the way - Marty, can you tell me one more time how to access the archived posts? I would just like to have a copy of my "journey through grief" - all the way from my first post. But I can't figure out how to find them. You've mentioned this before, but of course I can't figure it out. Thanks, Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 4, 2012 Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 Melina, dear ~ Just click on the title of any of our forums, and at the very top of the list of threads, you will see Announcement: Archiving Your Posts! The instructions are included there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 4, 2012 Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 Metteline, I can't either. Glad you are sticking around. I would miss you. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 5, 2012 Report Share Posted March 5, 2012 Melina, me too! Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted March 5, 2012 Report Share Posted March 5, 2012 Thank you for staying. We would really miss you here. Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 Melina, I'm glad you're staying here too. Just post another 3500 posts like me and believe me, NO ONE you know will bother reading it! LOL It'd take far too much time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 Kay I love your humor. That is a lot of posts. I have no clue how many I have posted. If I had a nickle for every email i have sent and received, every post on this forum...I would have a pile of money. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted March 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 It took me several hours to copy the posts I'd written from the archives. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 Wow, I have thought of doing it but it seems overwhelming. Glad to know it can be done anyway...with great patience perhaps. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MZM Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Melina, when i first found this site, before joining, i read all the posts that helped me. If this site was a members only, no one would see the love and bond we all have. We wouldnt see how caring everyone is and how much we have in common... Use a different name, different country, but dont leave... Lotsa love and to all on the site MZM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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