mfh Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 Well, I just took a giant leap/risk for me. I am very good at helping others be kind to themselves...not so much with me, however. But through all the care giving years and Bill's death when I allowed myself to be last on the list...I am now working on being as kind to me as I used to be before Bill got sick. Until Bill in my life, I was pretty much last on the list with my family also. So...when I automatically said to my priest brother that I would go to his town and be with him during and after his second knee replacement surgery this coming summer...I realized I was not being kind to me. I was just doing what I always did in my family with no consideration for me or for the fact that Bentley (our dog) would have to be kenneled during that time. Four months after Bill died in 2010, I went down was there for 10 days (a very difficult time) to take care of him with his first knee replacement...I now know I was in a fog and just leaped to do what my family knew I would do...i.e. take care of everyone but me. Bill was not here to help me slow down, put on the brakes and think through the decision he saw me making without consideration of my needs. So after thinking about all this and hearing two good friends say to me (after sharing my dilemma), "Mary, I know you do not want to do that. I remember when you did it in 2010. Can you just say no and let his fellow priests (he lives in a monastery) or your sister or her adult daughters step in? Remember when two months after that trip you spent 4 days with all of them and none of them could so much as mention Bill's name and when you called them on it, they blamed you because you might get upset or even angry if they talked about Bill and because they said "we were focused on moving" my brother into his new home. They have not been there for you." Not that I am looking to keep things even. That is not me at all. I am a very giving person. But being in a place right now where I can not even be me for maybe 10 days is more than I finally choose to deal with. So hard in my family but that is a book you don't want to read. So the big risk.... I just emailed my sister and told her to seriously consider herself or one of her adult daughters coming in to assist my brother. It is a huge step for me. My brother has given me a lot over the years but since Bill's death he just has not been able/willing to be there for me and I need to take care of me right now. No one else will. I am feeling extremely selfish. It would have been nice if my brother had replied (when I offered) that he would call my sister...not that he asked me to come (nor did he ask how I am...really am...never does). I am sure every family of origin on this planet has "stuff". Mine does also and not sharing feelings and needs and not taking care of self is some of our stuff. There is clearly an elephant in the room in my family and no one has ever acknowledged it except me and then I am/have been blamed....the story goes way back. But frankly, I am the intuitive/perceptive one. I am hurt and sad by the way they have dealt with Bill's death and with their emotional abandonment of me at the worst chapter in my life. I shared the tip of the ice berg here. NOW I will take care of me. Now I have to hold myself to this. It is difficult because my brother has been through many surgeries in his life and I have been there for all of them. I have never set foot in a hospital for me except with a broken ankle playing racquetball. My soulmate and buffer and mirror, Bill, is gone and now I have to deal with my family without his insight and support. So hard. With deep gratitude to you for listening. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 Mary, This IS a Giant step. Could not be prouder of you...that you are thinking about yourself. Not what you think you ought to do, or what you need to do because no one else will step up, but what you need to do for yourself. That's so very hard to do. We hate to not be the "good one". The person to step up and be the "bigger" person. I have a very similar situation with my brothers and their families. They have not available, supportive or considerate of me before and after Dick's death. They have been very absent. The only time I hear from them or see them is when I call or I make the effort to go see them. They all tell me, if you need anything just call, but I don't that they would actually come. It's hard for us to move on, but we have to. I am so proud of you that you have moved to the point that you can see you must make those choices that are good and positive for you and Bentley. Keep talking to us as you work your way through this situation. We will listen and be supportive. Good Job Mary! Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 Mary, dear, please substitute the word "responsible" for "selfish." You are doing the responsible thing by taking care of yourself first. If you do not do that, who else will? Your primary responsibility now is to take good care of yourself~ otherwise there will be nothing there for you to give to others. Besides, the only person in your life to put you first and take care of you right now is YOU. This is your time for healing your own heart, body, mind and spirit, and for doing your own grief work. Honor that, because we all certainly do. It takes great courage to say "No" when family members are so used to your always saying "Yes" ~ Good for you. Like Anne, I am very proud of you ~ and I know Bill is proud of you, too ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 Dear Anne and Marty, Thank you for your kind words and, Marty, your advice to dump the word 'selfish' and replace it with the word 'responsible'. One would think I knew nothing about self care, relationships, human nature, dysfunctional family stuff, my own needs and more. I seem to have misplaced my intelligence, common sense and self care since Bill died. This whole process has been so exhausting...all the way back to 2010 when the family stuff resurfaced and with it the anger and pain I feel. They can not hear me. They think it is me. I am positive they think I am being hypersensitive or dramatic or some fool thing. Always have. I am not sure why I thought that might change just a tiny bit when Bill died. I guess we never stop believing in magic. Reaching out to family seems so basic but I have learned again....I know Bill is smiling proudly as he was so intuitive and insightful about my tribe and so supportive in helping me process. Put two shrinks under the same roof and they process a lot . My sibs are good people but certainly unable/unwilling to be there for me, unable to admit when they are wrong and unable to take responsibility for their own stuff....not new as I said. So many instances of this. I will update you on this and I appreciate your feedback and support. Thank you so much. In spite of my 'breaking the family rules, the knot in my stomach unwound after I sent my sister the email saying no.' Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted March 4, 2012 Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 Mary, I know what you mean about family,my family has only acknowledged Mikes death if I bring it up.....the elephant in the room. Am pleased to here of you saying no to your family something I am continue to struggle with, for I am the only one who seems to pick up the pieces....when all is crumbling down. I really want to move from az, but have decided to at least move out of the Phoenix area, have spent the day looking up real estate and talking to realtors, something they know nothing about, and will not till decisions are made...... long to live where it is green, and the weather is more moderate....so looking at least to moving 2 hrs away from my family....and start a new.....and still close enough if things are really bad here......Dave ps I really like the phrase responsible vs selfish! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salley Posted March 4, 2012 Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 Wow Mary...good for you! Your statement of " In spite of my 'breaking the family rules, the knot in my stomach unwound after I sent my sister the email saying no.'" says it all!! And please keep us updated on this issue, it is so important. I know we are supposed to be kind to ourselves, but honestly, I find it so hard to accomplish. Beth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 Thank you, Beth. Families can be a challenge. I do have a family of choice...my friends. I thought I had this issue in a manageable place in my life but when Bill died things changed. Family first tried to fix me. That failed, of course. I tried to explain all that to them and ended up having to back away. Then they blamed me when I called them on their choices. That failed. Now they just do not approach the subject except for my sister's email messages that just have no meaning anymore. I am on guard with them as I basically have been all my life....tuned into my own gut and letting it guide me. Occasionally I get reeled in (as in this situation). My sister emailed me this morning and she will be with my brother for his surgery. I have given up attempts to educate my sibs. Real empathy flows from education but mostly from the heart and soul....A long history here and I have no energy for the fall out anymore as sad as it feels. I am really trying to walk MY path as I have for many years. It is just more difficult to walk it without Bill who was so tuned in to my tribe's stuff and who supported my personal growth and heard and felt my pain (and joy) as I did his. Bottom line: To thine own self be true! Thank you for support in this. Onward! Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted March 4, 2012 Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 Good for you, Mary! That was a big step... Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 Mary, You are anything but selfish! It is an important step in the progression of our grief journey to realize the need to take care of ourselves. We no longer have that partner that used to step into that role, and it's important to learn that if we don't do it, no one will. There is a time to put yourself number one and that time is now. If we don't take care of ourselves first, we will be too depleted to care for anyone else. You are right, all families have "stuff". Right now I am going through some (family stuff) and it's hard. I wouldn't say that your siblings are "unable" but "unwilling". Saying "I'm sorry" or being there for you is a choice, not a handicap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 Mary, just adding my "good for you" along with the others. You did the wise thing, and that easing of the knot in your stomach after sending the email was your answer. We do feel selfish sometimes, taking care of ourselves first, but Marty is right, that is "responsible" not selfish. Very proud of you, and happy that your sister stepped up to the plate. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 As my principal would say when some one did something right: Atta girl. Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 Kay, thank you. I am sorry you are now into family "stuff". It is always tough to have to go there. I do agree that being there for someone, especially family, is a choice. They think they are in spite of my feedback. I finally gave up. Felt good. Take care and i hope this "stuff" resolves for you. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 Mary, just adding my "good for you" along with the others. You did the wise thing, and that easing of the knot in your stomach after sending the email was your answer. We do feel selfish sometimes, taking care of ourselves first, but Marty is right, that is "responsible" not selfish. Very proud of you, and happy that your sister stepped up to the plate. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas) Thank you, Mary. I agree on the knot in the stomach...my best barometer....thank you so much. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 Mary, dear, please substitute the word "responsible" for "selfish." You are doing the responsible thing by taking care of yourself first. If you do not do that, who else will? Your primary responsibility now is to take good care of yourself~ otherwise there will be nothing there for you to give to others. Besides, the only person in your life to put you first and take care of you right now is YOU. This is your time for healing your own heart, body, mind and spirit, and for doing your own grief work. Honor that, because we all certainly do. It takes great courage to say "No" when family members are so used to your always saying "Yes" ~ Good for you. Like Anne, I am very proud of you ~ and I know Bill is proud of you, too ♥ Marty Today, I went to my Women's Support Group meeting and borrowed your statement. One of our members was talking about how she had been accused of being selfish because she didn't want to do something for a family member. I remembered this post and asked her to substitute the word "responsible" for "selfish" in reference to being responsible for taking care of herself. Our group had a very good discussion about responsibility for ourselves as we work our way through our grief. It was a very good discussion and your insight was very beneficial. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 13, 2012 Report Share Posted March 13, 2012 Bless you, Anne, and thank you for that ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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