Difficult Life Changes

[melina]

I've never been very good at dealing with major life changes. The most difficult one of all, of course, was losing my husband. But I notice that all life changes create stress. And having to handle stress right now, without my main source of support (my husband) is extremely challenging for me.

I just started a new job, and the hardest part has been that no one here knew about my "widowhood". In my old job, my colleagues all knew about my husband's diagnosis and death, since I'd worked there for six years. They sort of followed the whole ordeal.

I was sitting and having lunch with people here yesterday. Several of them are women my age or older who have been married 40 years or so. They were all chatting about their busy, normal lives - husbands, children, grandchildren, trips to their vacation homes in the Canary Islands or cruises they were going to take with their husbands. It's amazing how much money some people have. I said nothing, until several of them asked me about my own private life. I finally had to explain that my husband died from cancer a year and a half ago and that I was alone.

People react to this kind of news in different ways. Some don't say anything - they're sort of taken aback. Others inevitably start talking about everyone they know who had cancer - what kind of cancer, their symptoms, how long they lived. And some are visibly relieved that they don't have to deal with what I'm dealing with. These people are almost the worst because they chatter away about their husbands, how long they've known each other and what a great marriage they have. Like that matters to me. Where are all the people who know how to talk to the grieving? I mean - these are people who work in psychiatric services. You'd think they'd get it.

Right now I just want to hide away and not talk to anyone. Well, what I actually want is to have my husband and my old life back. I'm so deeply sad. There is just no joy any more. I have two of my sons visiting me for Easter holidays, and I can tell how much they also miss their father. I feel insubstantial - like part of me disappeared with my husband.

I just needed to share this with someone. I wonder when I'm going to feel truly alive again.

Melina

[Meg1979]

its so hard, i feel as if the things that i use to enjoy i don't care for no more- i use to drive with music blasting, now most times i just drive in silence and talk to him, think about him and i only listen to sad songs, his songs, songs that remind me of him.

i always want to be by the water, guess its some kind of connection i have- i just want to sit there and do nothing.

everytime i look at our daughter, she has his eyes and looks like him. i've known him for 17 years so almost everything is a reminder. yesterday i was looking for something and found letters from him to our daughter, and a certificate for being the greatest daughter signed daddy.

some peoples reaction just drive me crazy- oh but he was ur ex husband!!! oh ok, so i should care? he was my best friend- who cares if we got a divorce or not- its somebody i spend most of my life with. i guess some don't know what to say, but some should just keep their mouths shut.

who ever said it gets easier in time lied, it doesn't- we just have to learn to accept the fact and learn to live with it...... so much to look forward to!

[Anne E]

Melina, you have had a tidal wave of life changes to deal with haven't you? I too am not a person who easily deals with change. I would like my life to be somewhat orderly and for changes to be singular, well spaced with time between so I can adjust and adapt. However, that is not generally how life happens.

It must be so hard to have lost your spouse and now having to deal with a new job and new co-workers who do not have history with you. Understanding how it feels to be "in your place" is impossible for anyone but you. I too hate it when I am in a group of people who talk about how wonderful their life is, the fun experiences they are having with their spouse, or worse yet, when women complain and bitch about their husbands. I want to scream at them.......How Do You Think It Will Feel When You Are Alone and He Is Gone Forever????? They don't understand because they have not had to experience what YOU are experiencing. They don't know what to say or do because they haven't the horrific loss. I too hate those people who don't even attempt to understand because they are so self-absorbed. They aren't about to contemplate having their "golden world" disturbed. That's pretty insensitive given the field in which they work.

I understand wanting your old life back, wanting your husband back, wanting your support system back. That feeling has never left me, but I am beginning to "accept" that awful truth.

So much of what you have said, most of us have felt.

Thank you for sharing. I know the only help I can be is to listen and to assure you that someone else feels the way you do and understands a bit.

Anne

[mfh]

Dear Mettelina,

What a time you had with all those folks...I know how hard it is as people around here start talking about their summer plans, trips, weekend parties etc. It just cuts like a razor. And these folks are co-workers at a psychiatric setting...one would have hoped that just one of them could reach out with tenderness. I am so sorry for such a painful time...

Change is another story. I sit here on days wondering what lies ahead. I never cared when Bill was alive...we planned our plans and let go of them and whatever happened happened...now...it is all so different. I am glad your sons are there for Easter. It helps a little, I know.

We all need a magic wand that will reveal our futures, heal our pain, and well...bring back those we love. But no such wand exists...as we know. One day at a time as you and I said the other day...sometimes one hour at a time...

Thank you for your birthday wishes. It started out to be a very tearful day....so now I have to make it better....as I also relive memories and try to focus on gratitude....

Love

Mary

Call if you like...any time. And I will do the same....

[Salley]

Melina, Thank you for your post. I have been wondering how you were doing, with the recent events in your life.

It has been 10 1/2 months now since Rich died and suddenly I am not doing well at all. Spring has been here on the homestead for a few weeks now and I desperately miss someone to discuss what to do, when, and how. I wanted a new gas can for the gas/oil mixture for the weedeater, and had to think for a full day where I might buy one. My mind has taken a sudden down fall. Two weeks ago I misplaced my car keys, something I never do.

I was sorry to read of your co-workers insensitive reactions to your situation. I had a similar one last week. One of the members of my grief support group from last year has found a new partner. We still get together as a group on a regular basis. Well, as you can imagine, she and her partner are sky high in their emotions. And they decided to participate in a mass gay wedding ceremony (over 200 couples were married) in Cleveland 2 weeks ago (gay marriage is not legal in Ohio, yet) and I went and stood up for them. After hearing about their joy and ecstasy for several months now, being at the joyous occasion, and then the daily phone calls after ward about their love for each other, I finally told her that I was feeling really bad and sad. She immediately realized how their joy was, at this point, was wearing thin on me, and she apologized and has not called for a week now. Early on in this grief process, I realized people must be educated about what is appropriate to say, what we are going through....I lost my energy to take that on as a mission.

Beth

[kayc]

I think even harder than hearing people bubbling over with the love in their marriage and what great fun they're having, or hearing them bellyache about each other (which irritates me to no end),

is having them say they understand how I feel.

No they don't. Until their husband is dead and they lose their job and there's no one else to help them and they can't move the &%*!@#% refrigerator, they don't know how I feel. When the kids have left home and there's no one to talk over your day with and the holidays are nothing to look forward to because your husband is no longer there to help you go get a tree and put it up, or surprise you with a gift, you don't get it. Until there's no one else to help with your elderly dementia mother, and no one to cuddle with at night, no one to look at you "that way", you don't know what I'm going through. My sister just went on another vacation over Spring break...I don't even remember my last vacation. They all have food to eat and $ to pay their bills, they all have someone to sleep with at night and watch tv with in the evening, they all have someone to go for a walk with or take a drive with on the weekend. They don't sit alone at church. They don't cook for one. There is someone else to help with half the chores. They have someone to bring them juice when they're sick.

No one truly gets it until they go through it, whether they're in the psychiatric field or not. Whether they've watched you go through it or not. Best friends, family, none of them understand how we feel until they experience it first hand.

[mfh]

Salley, you said it all so well....and you are so right...until someone walks this path, it is difficult for them to really get it. Waking up to a silent house on my birthday today was tough. Grief was standing by the bed waiting to wrap itself around my soul...again.

Thank goodness for loving friends...via email, Facebook and more as well as a bunch of great women who came to lunch with flowers and gifts....and then a couple who went shopping with me for a hour or so (about my shopping limit).... What would I do without this circle of women? Now I am home and distracted and exhausted but feeling cared about and yet...that one person is not here to make me tea or better yet...for me to make him tea...nothing fills the gaping hole...nothing..no one...never...ever....but I am also incredibly grateful for the friends I have, a lovely phone call from my brother along with a card and gift in today's mail...I am blessed...no doubt about it...and not complaining but just lonely for Bill....his smile, his hug, his kind and sensitive heart.

Now, I do need someone to help move my art desk and put up blinds so I can see when the afternoon sun comes over; someone to help move the Hosta before they are too big....on and on goes that list and yes, no one gets it until it is their turn.

Peace to you both,

Mary

[melina]

Thanks for your support, everyone. I really have had a lot of changes these last couple of years. We had to sell our house for financial reasons just after getting my husband's diagnosis, then rented another house before buying the one I'm in now. That alone would have been enough to rattle me. But losing my husband was the worst. It was just a month after moving to this place, and I was living in cardboard boxes, driving back and forth between this place, a storage facility to get our stuff and the hospital. Then I suddenly found myself in an empty nest - and now it's a new workplace.

Not sure if any of you have seen those stress assessment tests - you check off on a list of stressors and see how high your stress level is. Here is one:

http://www.roadtowellbeing.ca/questionnaires/life-stressors.html

It's not very scientific, but I took it and of course my checked-off list tipped the scale. If you're over 300, it indicates a very high stress level. My calculation was 413.

Hearing women complain about their husbands doesn't bother me as much as hearing about their marvelous lives.

Anne - I agree it's hard to deal with the self-absorbed ones - the ones who only think in terms of how everything relates to them.

Kay - it would be hard to hear that someone know exactly how I feel when I know they don't. But no one has ever told me that. Most people just don't know what to say, or they say the wrong thing. In fact, I can't remember when I last heard someone say something that actually made me feel a little better - but maybe nothing makes me feel better.

Beth, yes, it would help if we could educate people on how to speak to the grieving, but I don't have the energy for it either. If it gets too hard to listen to, I make some excuse and leave. I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time these days. Hearing about someone's thrilling new love can't be easy. Anything that reminds me of what I've lost is hard to take.

The worst part of all is being so completely alone. Mary - I'm glad you had friends to come over and be with you on your birthday. I wish had a few of those over here. I have no family who cares either - except of course for my sons and daughters-in-law.

I often wonder, if I died on a Friday afternoon - when would they find my body? Probably not for quite some time, unless my place of employment decides to come looking for me.

I'm so tired of all this. I've been thinking about the discussion here on 1st, 2nd and 3rd years, wondering how and where I'm going to be in my life by the third year. I've always had this naive idea that everything works out in the end. If a succession of bad things happened to me, I just expected something good to come along - and it always did. It's this belief in basic justice. Now I've realized, finally, at the age of 53, that things don't necessarily work that way. Bad things may very well continue to happen. The universe doesn't owe me anything. I don't deserve fairness. Look at the rest of the world. There is no guarantee that things will get better. That makes me feel wish even more that I had my husband beside me. I feel so alone.

Melina

[mfh]

How thoughtless of me to talk about my friends. My point was that even with those friends...I felt lonely and sad that Bill was not here to share the day. I know you are lonely and hurt....How I wish we lived closer.

Love

Mary

[melina]

No Mary - it wasn't thoughtless at all! I'm genuinely glad you had good friends to spend your birthday with. It's tough day in many ways, and I know you still missed Bill.

I wish I had a group of friends like that nearby. I do have a couple of friends that are there for me, but no one who's in my situation. That's why I have this group...

Melina

[mfh]

I also wish you had a great group of friends like these crones I hang out with. Some I am closer to than others but I actually would feel free to call anyone of them if I needed to talk or cry...some would hear it well, some would not. There is only one widow in the group and ironically she is not the most understanding in the group. But I am grateful for them and others. I wish a group of friends for you...joining something helps...that is how i met most of these folks...when I started my publication. Love, Mary

[HAP]

Dear Melina,

I feel your pain. There are days this house is so empty I want to scream. There are nights I feel so alone I sit and cry. I miss having Jane with me constantly. We planned for an early retirement that would let us travel, read, study, write, and most of all, love.

Dust and ashes.

I keep busy. I do this volunteer work and that. I raise money to research the cancer that killed her. I redesign the house, repaint the rooms, move the furniture, work on the yard and the garden and flower beds.I go to plays and lunches and visit with friends.

And none of it changes the irrevocable fact that she is no longer here.

Is it getting better? Yes--marginally--I think. I can laugh again--but I will never be young again. There are whole hours that I can forget that she is gone. Then I come home and reality hits and it is, sometimes, as though she just died yesterday.

But I am an optimist at heart. Things will be better tomorrow--they generally have not been lately--but I still believe tomorrow will be better than today. As Jane would put it, "You are the only person who can walk into a barn full of manure and say, 'with all this poop, there has to be a pony in here somewhere.'"

There is a thing I learned a long time ago called the believing game: if you believe things will be better, they will get that way; if you believe they will get worse, they will. Positive energy begets positive energy. Negative energy begets negative energy. Jane would call that Pollyannism at its worst, but it is how I get through the days and nights. And sometimes things do get better.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be 60. We tend to live a long time in my family. I can reasonably expect to see 90--and 100 or more is not out of the question. My father is 83 and still actively pursues new knowledge and ways of looking at things. I have to think I could have 30-40 productive years left at a minimum--depending on medical break-throughs, it could be a lot more. I have to believe things will improve--for both of us. We have too much time in front of us to stay forever bereft.

We will never be the people we were before. I suspect we will never be as happy as we were before. But to the extent this experience makes us more compassionate and more empathetic it may make us better people than we were before--more useful to those around us.

The new house is stressful. The empty nest is stressful. The new job is stressful. And the loss of Lars on top of all that...you'd have to be something other than human not to hurt and not to wonder. Deep breath, my friend. Release it slowly. Repeat.

Lars was a good person. That comes through in all you write. You, too, are a good person. That comes through in your writing as well. What you had was special--and it would be amazing if you did not feel as you do. And enormously sad as well. I wonder about those who get over such a loss too easily. What does it say about that relationship? Maybe nothing--maybe everything. Some cultures handle death better/differently than others.

Our culture has a tough time with the death of a spouse. In our minds and in our hearts we are one entity. When you say a part of you has vanished it is because, in a very real sense, part of you has. And people who have not experienced this have no way to understand it--though their fear of it may cause them to say and do things we find offensive and unfeeling. Ignorance really is bliss. But I think we are all terrified of that loss all the time once we have that relationship--and we don't want to be reminded that there is a significant chance it could happen to us.

And then it does. And here we are--the survivors: the widows and widowers--the halved souls. It is not an easy path--but it is the one we are on.

But we will, however slowly, heal.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Harry, what an amazing post. You share of yourself so honestly and your sharing puts into words how so many of us, including me for sure, feel. Today was my birthday and though I was literally surrounded by friends, gifts, flowers, messages, calls, e-cards, emails, Facebook messages galore....beneath it all was the absence of Bill....I am grateful for all the day brought and yet...the gaping hole left in my body/mind/spirit is there bleeding and raw.

With all that said, I do hope your day tomorrow brings you in touch with loved ones and some peace. I know birthdays are not much of happy now for us...but know you are loved by so many here. I, too, come from good stock. My mom was 99.6 when she died 6 years ago and in good health but a broken hip and the surgery and drugs got her. I can easily expect (72 today) another close to 30 years so I KNOW I must put meaning in those years and find shards of joy....but I am not there yet....far from it. I am still roaming around in a dark cave...needing this time to journal, do introspection, become aware of myself and what grief teaches me each day.

Peace

Mary

[melina]

Harry, thank you so much for your thoughts. You expressed this beautifully. Although my husband wasn't named Lars (he belonged to Lainey), I know that what we had was special, just like what you and Jane had. Like what everyone else here and their partners had.

When the person you love has many roles in your life - best friend, lover, teacher, parent to your children - it's that much harder to lose them, because you lose so many significant others at once.

Although outwardly more of a pessimist than an optimist, I have secretly also held a sort of Pollyanna view of the world. As I mentioned, I've always expected something good to turn up if there's been a string of bad events. I suppose you're right that a positive perspective makes those good things easier to find. It's how you look at it, I guess.

I think it's just harder to deal with the bad things when you're alone - and harder to keep that positive perspective. Something would have to be really, really good - fireworks and rainbows - to make me think "okay this weighs up for the bad stuff".

I manage by taking one day at a time, but sometimes I'll wake up and wonder how I'm going to get through that day.

Melina

[HAP]

Dear Melina,

My brain is no longer functioning. I used to be better with names than this. I'm so sorry I screwed that up.

Peace,

Harry

[melina]

No worries. There are a lot of names to keep track of on this site.

Happy birthday!! Hope you have a day of joy in spite of it all!

Melina

[kayc]

Melina,

Actually I saw that happen...a guy George used to work with died and no one knew (he lived alone). They actually wrote him up at work for being a "no show" and finally after a few days someone from his job went to his house and discovered he'd died. I thought it so figured his job would write him up before checking on him, they didn't even send flowers or a representative to George's funeral, no note to me, nothing. Unbelievable...at the time they had 1700 employees, now the company is out of business. Small wonder.

[melina]

I wish I could come online and tell everyone about lots of wonderful things happening to me - but I can't. No new relationships, no new opportunities. No love, no happiness, no positive things.

I feel like giving up. Not that I'm contemplating suicide, but I just feel like giving up on life. Every time I turn a corner, I hope for something good to be there, waiting for me, but there is nothing. The problems keep piling up, and I can't handle it any longer. There is a limit to how much a person can take.

It seems I'm not entitled to any further happiness. I should have treasured the happiness I had when I had it, but now it's too late.

I don't understand why some lives are so charmed, while others are such a mess.

Melina

[mfh]

I am so sorry you are in such distress....I am going to jump in with a couple of suggestions....It seems you work and come home and i am wondering about your getting involved in some volunteer work or classes that might be fun....or a group like a book club...places that put you in touch with people face to face. I know you are tired after work but even if it was a weekend thing....I do NOT want to sound preachy but I also know it is up to me to create the life I am going to have and I started small by taking painting classes before I even knew for sure I wanted to do that...I pushed myself hard. Is there anything you can think of doing that would put you with people on a weekend evening or on a weekend...like a class that is interactive? Again, I know you are in pain as we all are and I just hope that you can find a focus and a place that will help to distract you at the least for a while and have fun at the same time. Please forgive me if I sound pushy...I just so want you to find some good moments. Peace Mary

[Cheryl]

Melina I think I have also felt the same. It helped me to make small goals towards getting involved in something outside my comfort zone. It was gradual and excuriatingly painful to force myself to do things alone. Solitude is so very dibilitating to our emotional state. You may not be wanting advice and if so I apologize. But if you are needing advice then I can only suggest to take baby steps. Some of which might be to take a yoga or exercise class and greet the gal next to you and introduce yourself. Another is to volunteer one day for just an hour or two with an organization that you admire. Try to pick one small thing and do it. You will probably be very uncomfortable but I think the only way to get what you want is to make a move.

Please know that if you are not wanting advice that we all understand that you are just needing to be heard.

If you were your best friend, looking at your situation and knowing everything about you, what advice would you give yourself? Write it down and keep reading it until you are ready to follow it. I hope this all helps and know that we all admire how hard you have fought to get ahead and that it will get better. Hugs cheryl

[melina]

I appreciate your thoughts, but I am exhausted. And working for free (volunteering) in addition to a 40 hour work week, does not sound appealing. Nor does taking classes and greeting random strangers.

I'm struggling enormously right now. If I could afford to crawl into bed and stay there all day, I'd do it. I'm tired of all the responsibility. I'm tired of having to deal with dozens of problems at once - alone. There are no luxuries in life any longer. It's cold and empty and meaningless.

Yes, I know I sound depressed, and I probably am. I could dump this baggage with my grief counselor, but I'm in this weird position now of having to work together with my grief counselor's husband, who's a doctor. He brings elaborate lunches to work that his wife has made for him. They live in a big house by the sea and have a perfect marriage. My grief counselor has everything that I lost. They also have enough money to put their kids through expensive colleges, while my kids will be saddled with huge student loans. I can barely pay my monthly bills and will probably have to move, despite my exhaustion.

If this is the only life we get, then what will have been the point? Maybe after death there is nothing. And all this suffering will have been a waste of time.

I'm too tired and too bitter to be on this site now, so I'll be taking a hiatus. Thanks for listening.

Melina

[mfh]

I wish you lived closer...I would pick you up for dinner tonight...or bring soup and bread and just sit with you so you could cry with someone. I do hope you will keep in touch...as you can. I am here for you.

Peace

Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Melina,

It is so said to read that professional people like those are, cannot act with compassion, and dignity, that they should have given you.

I do agree with Harry, that positive thoughts and emotions, and energy, will lead you to a more positive out look on life on a whole. I have always seen the glass way more than half full. When I come home to my apartment, I have never felt lonely, or alone. I always feel Pauline's present around me all the time. I believe it is because we were so closely connected in mind, spirit, and soul. I wish I could bottle my energy for all of you to have.

I did have a big wave wash over me, I talked to Harry about it. I received a letter in the mail from the medical school where Pauline's body was donated to, and her ashes are coming back soon. It took me by surprise, because it would be 1 1/2 years, so after 13 months I was not ready yet in my mind. I was doing my Internship in Phlebotomy. The next morning, which I had to get up at 3:30 AM to drive down onto Cape Cod, to the lab for 7:00 AM . I got up went to the lab and had I did not miss anyone that day. I just had to focus on my job and think about what was to come after.

Then on Saturday around 5 or so I called Pauline's brother to wish them a Happy Easter, because on Sunday I would be busy in church with choir. When he answered the phone he told me I had caught him at a bad time. They had just sat down for Easter dinner with his daughters and family, that he would call me later. I could hear Pauline's Father talking in the back ground. Yes it hurt, I was good enough to help split and stack wood for 6 hours but not invited to dinner. Well so be it. I went out to one of our favorite restaurants, and had a nice meal by myself, and I really enjoyed it. I talked to different people, that I did not even know.

Pauline is very proud of me and my schooling. Just from my Internship scores in Phlebotomy and my supervisor has written me a letter of recommendation, I have had 5 job offers. I cannot do anything until I finish my school, because I am contracted with the Career Center. They paid for my schooling. If I drop out or do not finish I have to pay them back. I only have until around the second week of June, and I will be all done, then onto getting a job.

Harry HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! a little late.

God Bless

Dwayne

[Susie Q]

Melina

I know what you mean and how you feel.

My philosophy is that I just have to keep trying for the long haul. When I feel like 'giving up', I do. Somehow the will to have another go, returns eventually.

I hope that tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that, you will have restored enough emotional energy to feel like it is worth the effort again.

Coping and striving to be strong and positive all the time is entirely over-rated in my opinion. It's just not me. It has to be at my pace, in my time, because it's my recovery. xxxx

[Cheryl]

Melina,

I would like to say ditto to what SuzieQ posted. I think the only way to really heal is to allow yourself to go through all the emotions. It's that spiral staircase I've talked about. UP and down and around and around. It may be hard to see your progress but each time you go through these times of acute grief there is progress made. I think I spent almost a whole year just getting in and out of bed on the weekends. I was just too worn out and drained to join in with the world. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just survive each day. I do hope that you feel an up swing soon. cheryl