Difficult Life Changes

[Salley]

Melina, I understand some of what you are experiencing.

What is working for me is to get myself outside. And it is a struggle to do that. I don't know how you get up and go to work. I don't think I could accomplish that. Once I get myself outside, then I find projects that need tended to. I have to get over my sadness that I am doing the gardening and mowing alone this year, but I can cry and mow at the same time.

Being an introvert, the advice to volunteer or join a new group horrifies me. I can't get myself together, let alone reach out to anyone else.

I'm actually not looking for love or happiness right now. I am still wallowing in my grief and have no space for relationships. I do have a large circle of friends who I see on a regular basis, but I have no energy for new friendships.

I find comfort in my belief that things happen for a reason and that things happen as they should. I lived with Rich for 39 years and I am only 60 years old. At some point I will see that I have opportunities before me. I am not close to finding happiness in my opportunities.

I wish you peace.

Beth

[MartyT]

Melina, dear, my heart goes out to you, and I'm so sorry that you're feeling so overwhelmed. If you need to take a break from posting here, please do so ~ but I hope you'll continue to come here to read the posts of others, even if you stay silent in the background.

I just read a post on a blog I found via Twitter, in which the writer beautifully describes why she finds such reading helpful, and I think it serves to explain, to some extent, what can be gained from coming here.

In her final paragraph she writes,

I think this is why I keep seeking out others who have faced difficulty. I need to know how they do it. I need to see how they do it. I need their inspiration. And their moments of wisdom and truth are helping me navigate my way into whatever lies ahead.

If coming here to read is all you can do right now, I hope you will continue to do so, and let it be enough ~ but please don't leave us when this may be a time when you need us the most.

[mfh]

Metteline, I just sent you an email but just had to speak to Marty's post as the author she refers to says so well (far better than I could have said it) exactly what helps me. I won't even try to say it in my own words. For a while when I found myself reading and reading and reading about loss, grief, pain and also connecting (in person and on line) with people in pain, I too felt that spending energy/time on line or in person with people who are in such deep pain was questionable-maybe not helpful- but these are the very people who help me the most...they know pain/loss first of all...they get it. Secondly they give me hope that I can do this journey especially when I feel I can't and that someday I will not walk around with tears in my eyes or just behind a thin membrane. (see my new topic post if you like-Last Night).

I will call you in a couple of hours...if you do not wish to chat...I will honor that, of course. I just want you to know I am here. You are NOT alone. We are all here for you.

Love and peace,

Mary

[kayc]

Melina,

The exhaustion and all of the feelings you are experiencing are no alien to any of us, we have all been through it. I wish I had something to say that could make a difference, but I can only tell you I care and I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope you don't feel you shouldn't post because of how you're feeling, the negative feelings are just as valid as the positive ones and we all understand, but do what feels most comfortable for YOU, whether it's reading here, posting, or just checking back now and then. Just remember, we're all part of the same family, we've been bonded by our experiences, and we care about you.

[Cosel]

Melina, I understand what you are going through. My husband passed away Nov 2010. It has been such a difficult adjustment for me also; we worked together 24/7 for over 30 years. I have no job to go to as the business was his. I was doing fairly well for several months but seems as though I have been going backwards. Maybe it is just the loneliness catching up to me. I'm so tired of not being happy and feeling no joy. I'm trying to find something to occupy my time, but there is nothing that interests me at this point.

I have a daughter and a grandson who have helped me, but I cannot keep taking up their time. They have their own lives to live.I'm sure they feel that it has been a year and a half I should have adjusted by now. They just do not understand. I try to put on a good front so that I don't get lectured about what I need to do. They are spending less time with me now which makes me very sad.

I know that the the only person that can make changes in my life is me. It's just so difficult!

Cosel

[kayc]

Cosel,

You echo the sentiment of so many of us. Try not to think about what others think, it's just enough to survive it a day at a time, we do our best and they don't understand how hard it is just because they haven't experienced it.

[Cosel]

I'm so tired of the sadness and the emptiness. I just want to feel some happiness and joy, but I don't know how to at this point.

[kayc]

Cosel,

It takes time. I used to hate hearing that but I'm afraid it does take time to heal, to learn to cope, to adjust, and all of the things we learn along the way that help us with this journey. Just take a day at a time, and keep posting here, it does help to voice yourself and be heard. Meanwhile, keep taking care of yourself, we need exercise, food, and sleep when we can muster it, it's all needed for our brain to function at its best and aids us in restoring us. Believe me, I know this is hard, I wish I could make it easier for you.

[HAP]

Dear Cosel,

Kay is telling you the truth. Her advice about self-care is very important. I know you don't want to do those things--that you do not feel like doing them. Do them anyway. Do he dishes, make the bed--do all the little things you have always done--and absolutely do not feel like doing now. There is power in maintaining those things. They give you a structure to build on. It will get better--but you have sustained a severe injury and you are not going to get better over night. Someone used the phrase "baby steps" on me when I first arrived here. For now, focus on the next second, the next 30 seconds, the next minute. Eventually you will have control over an hour or two--then three or four, until you get through a whole day of feeling semi-normal.

But you have to be patient. You are going to fall down or go backwards. It's normal. You will get back up--you will move forward again. You can do this. We are here too help each other get there.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Cosel,

I have not been posting much lately but I have been reading. Kay and Harry are so right. This is a one day at a time journey. My husband died two years ago....sometimes I feel like I am stronger and in less pain and then wham...I feel like it is two years ago sometimes for a reason I understand and sometimes for a reason I fail to see. Whatever you do, just try to not look too far ahead...this is a journey with twists and turns. I wish I could say you would feel joy on a certain day but it does not work like that. We are here for you. Mary

[kayc]

That's not to say you will never feel joy again, you will, but it's just different. We, here, have tried to look for and acknowledge the "little joys" in life. Small things perhaps, nothing like having your spouse with you and living the life you once had, but still, positives to be recognized. The more we look for them and acknowledge them, the more we seem to find them and it does have a powerful effect on our outlook and survival. It can be something as small as a stranger opening a door for you or seeing a beautiful sunset. It takes concerted effort to move from "I wish I could share this with "____" to simply acknowledging "that is beautiful, I can appreciate that". It is coming to know our new normal and who we are as an individual, and that can take years, but it's different for all of us.

In the beginning I didn't want to live. I felt angry. I was in shock. My brain was in a fog and it was hard to focus or think or care about anything. It took more time than I can tell you to process all I had to process. But little by little I got there with the help of my friends here. There are so many things one experiences after a massive loss like this...loss of identity, missing the person you shared your life with, taking on new roles that the other person used to do, changes in friendships, people treating you different, dealing with people saying inappropriate/stupid things, loss of income, and for caretakers, seeming loss of purpose. All of the decisions one must make is enough to daunt you. Like Mary said, you don't have to make them all at once. Do what you must today, don't take on all of the future and try really hard not to worry about it. It's amazing how things work out somehow. I will never forget a few days after George had died and I'd gone to my budget, which is a spreadsheet in Excel, and deleted his income that would no longer be coming in, and as I did, the totals across the bottom turned red...I had no idea how I'd make it on half the income, and the hospital and doctor bills hadn't even started pouring in yet! My daughter said, "Don't worry, Mom, God has always taken care of me and He will you too." A few months later I lost my job. I got another one, but had to commute 100 miles/day to it...now it's been cut. But you know what? I'm still here, all these years later and I haven't missed a meal and haven't been late paying my bills. So try not to worry, just do what you must today and let tomorrow sort itself out, there's time enough for that. Right now your brain has been shocked and it's enough just to eat and drink and sleep and take a walk. And don't hesitate to come on line here and tell us what you're going through...chances are one or most of us have been through it, and we'll understand.

[Cosel]

I want to thank all of you for replying to me. It makes me feel as if someone is listening to me and cares.

Robert passed away in November of 2010. I was surviving fairly well most of last year; but this year it seem as though I fell in a dark hole and can't get out. I'm trying to pull myself up and out but the sides of the hole are very steep. I know if I keep working I will eventually get out. I want to do it on my own and not take any antidepressants. I bought a yoga tape but haven't started it yet. I will. I'm not an outgoing person so getting out and meeting people is hard for me to do. I'm considering taking a computer class.

Being alone most of the time my memories cause a lot of sadness; that's what brings me down. I need to turn that around. I will try to do that hour by hour.

Thanks for listening to me.

Cosel

[mfh]

Dear Cosel,

I saw your post yesterday but was traveling and could not get on except on my phone. I just wanted to say that the second year can be, in many cases, difficult in a different way...and sometimes even harder. Mine certainly was. I believe the first year one is sort of in a fog...I barely remember the first 6 months after Bill died. I was busy with social security, life insurance, deeds, taxes, crying, and more. People were around as I went through what would have been our 25th anniversary, birthdays and more. Then came year 2 and I was awake and the reality of actually living my life without Bill set in. It was extremely difficult and far far more lonely. I am not quite a month into year three and it is a hodge podge but I find myself missing him tremendously (always will-like you we worked together in our own clinic-played together-everything together) but I also find myself increasingly dealing with who I am on my own after 25 plus many more years. I mostly am keeping a lower profile, not out as much, reading, journaling, painting (beginning watercolor), looking inside and outside of me, and still, of course grieving and feeling very raw. But it is not as bad as the first two years...I think I have it that no matter how much pain I feel, I will somehow be ok...I can't look ahead too far...maybe a couple of months for some things but mostly living in the moment. I tell you all this to give you hope because so many that I have talked to (a lot) have had a similar experience. We all do this differently but you are now waking up to all that has happened. The protective fog is lifting and has lifted. Reality hits hard. We are here for you. I have not been on as much lately but pop in and out and as you may have read the Thursday....I came running here when the trip I am on sort of swooped in and knocked me off center....again. Not sure if you have been in a group for grief but it might help as I think I read that you do not have a lot of friends. My friends have helped me a lot and a group might help you with some face to face support. NOt sure where you live but if there is a Hospice nearby, they probably have a spousal loss group that might introduce you to some people and provide some in person support. I did that and it helped a lot...I wish you peace, Mary

[kayc]

I think most people find the second year harder in a way, maybe because the shock has worn off, everyone's gone home, reality has set in, and we realize they won't be coming back. We're experts at going into denial. A year and a half isn't that much time, for me it took until sometime in the third year to fully process it. Hang in there, you're progressing even when you don't see it.

Are you getting out much? Do you have support from family, friends? It helps to try and take your mind elsewhere once in a while, even if just a short time.

[HAP]

Dear Cosel,

I can only echo what Mary and Kay have said. I am 4.5 months into the second year--your husband died exactly one month before my wife--and I am finding year two much more difficult than year one. I cry more, feel more alone, feel more empty. It is what I expected the first year to be like. But I think for some of us the shock and numbness are so great that the first year is all fog. And I wonder how frequent that is.

All I can do is repeat what has been said.

Peace,

Harry

[melina]

I've realized again that I need the support of friends. I feel like I should be able to manage without online support, and I can't help feeling like a failure. But things are very difficult. I'm at 20 months now and life feels overwhelming.

Maybe it's not just grief. It could be that when you've been a team for nearly 30 years - dealing with all life's uncertainties and challenges - it's very hard to take on everything alone. I would have thought the first year taught me what I needed to know, but now in the second year new problems keep popping up.

I switched jobs because I was struggling with a difficult boss. Now I have a good boss, but the job is much harder than I'd expected. I'm a psychologist, but in my last job I mostly worked with brain injuried patients, cerebral palsy and intellectual disabilities. Mostly I taught classes and did neuropsychological evaluations. Now I work with substance abuse clients, and it's mostly therapy. A lot of old traumas and really difficult lives in general. I don't think I'm equipped for this kind of work any longer. It used to be interesting - years ago. Now it just drains me and I find my own traumas hitting me when I come home.

Added to this is a frustrated son (he's gotten his Masters degree and can't find work, plus his wife is in another country waiting for her citizenship papers so they can be together), and a son with medical issues - possibly serious ones.

Had my husband been here, we could have dealt with this together. It would still be hard, but we'd have each other for support. Now I'm alone and I'm really, really having trouble balancing all this.

I attended a trauma treatment class last week, to brush up on my clinical skills. One of the things mentioned there was to find some safe haven - some little pocket where the client can relax and feel safe. I realized then that there is so safe haven for me any longer. I can never relax - no matter where I am. Not even at home, because I'm not very happy in this house, there's too much to worry about it, and this is the house where my husband lived briefly and died.

This is taking its toll on me. I'm exhausted. Please don't advise me to volunteer or take a class - it's not going to happen.

Hopefully one day I'll be the positive one here. I'll be the one talking about planting flowers and finding new friends. But for now, this is my life.

Melina

[mfh]

Hi Metteline

I am glad to see you back and reach out to you in your pain. Handling all these things alone has got to be so challenging and I am so very sorry. Your job also sounds very challenging. I am here to listen and support. Call if you wish. I will be home tonight...am at Denver airport right now. I send you a warm hug. This trip has been bittersweet. Walked to my gate fighting tears...same gate Bill and I flew out of so many times....so many memories but I am glad I did it. More later. With love, Mary

.

[kayc]

Melina, I don't know what the housing and job market is where you live (here it is awful) but would you consider making a change? Something a little less draining, perhaps, and a home that is less to take care of? I can't imagine doing your job, I wouldn't be any good at it, I have too much judgment to drug abusers and don't know how to not let it show, I still feel angry that 3 out of 4 of my husbands used and I was very clear about my stance before we married...it drains a person financially and emotionally and causes all sorts of problems in a family. I have to hand it to you, even knowing where to start with them, it's got to be hard.

I think most of us feel overwhelmed when it comes to losing the person that we were a team with...I don't even know how to get my riding lawnmower going, usually my son does it the first time of the season and this is the first year he won't be here. I know I need to air the tires and charge the battery, but I need to put some kind of oil mix somewhere...see how bad I am? And it's hard to get started the first time. I know I need a man around the place but I don't want one. I've had enough trying for one lifetime and no one could be George anyway. At my age, most of the men are decrepit and I don't need that. I know that sounds heartless, but I have enough to deal with.

So I'm not much help. All I can tell you is take a deep breath, remember one day at a time, try not to look to much further than that, see if you can simplify your job situation and your living situation if you can. You made it through so much already, you will continue to. (((hugs)))

[dave s]

Hi Melina, oh so well can understand the difficulties surrounding you job.....how it drains you.....and the expectations that we should be able to handle everthing else in life, personally just fine......

My parents, as wonderfull as they are, just dont get it, I am listing my places for sale and am putting in a bid on another property, 2 hrs away from my family, close enough in case of drama, and yet far enough away from them. I also am overwhelmed currently with different properties, work, family obligations, and caring for a new relationship that I never guessed would come again for me.........I am exhausted with work telling me I need to be only at work when I am there and not thinking about my self...???? I am exhausted with my fathers comment on my brush pile in the yard " you need to do something about this" when reminded that I dont have alot of time, his comment was " well make the time" ???? Yes I am frustrated and overwhelmed, especially at a time when the 1 yr anniversary is coming...........so much to be happy about, and yet cant help but to be sad........

Well more importantly how is your son? Keep us posted...Thinking of you....Dave

[mfh]

I am home from Colorado...I know it is 2am where you are but I am here if you need me....I am so glad you came back on line. The support is here...I wish your job was less taxing emotionally...that would be at least one small reprieve....I also know switching jobs again right now must feel huge to you and not so easy to find. Peace to your heart in the midst of this pain, Mary

[HAP]

Dear Melina,

(((((((HUGS))))))) my friend. I know what you are feeling since I am increasingly feeling that way myself. Tough some days to find much positive to post--but as i said to someone tonight, tomorrow will be better--and if not tomorrow , then the next day.

Hang in there. I wish I could do more than offer these electronic arms and ears, but they are what I have.

Peace,

Harry

[Lina]

Melina,

Please forgive me if this is something you have already considered and eliminated as an option, but have you considered getting a pet? I know that a pet will not fill the hole left by your husband, but having someone waiting for you when you get home who looks forward to seeing you and who loves you might help a tiny bit. My beloved Arthur died on Easter and truly the only thing getting me through is that I have someone who needs me. I do not think I could survive this right now if I had an empty home. The silence would kill me.

I know you said you have a very busy work schedule so maybe a dog would be harder to manage, but cats are very good at being independent while you are at work and they are very good company.

*hugs*

Lina

[melina]

Thank you everyone for the virtual hugs and words of support, and also the private e-mails. It does help to know I'm not completely alone. I don't know why everything seems to be crashing down around me now. Maybe it will get better, who knows.

Dave, my youngest son had some symptoms that we worried could be MS, but so far it doesn't look that way after all. It's been freaking me out. I just want them all to be healthy and happy. If someone told me that everything would be okay with my kids - I could definitely handle my own problems.

Lina - I already have a dog, but thanks anyway. I'm very sorry about your recent loss.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Melina, so glad to see that you are back, I missed you! This is a place for us whether we feel positive or not, and although I am not glad for the reason, I am glad to see that you need us. We need you also. We learn from each other, and what works for one will not work for another. So sorry that you have this medical worry about your son, and the other son frustrated with his situation. We never quit worrying about our children, no matter how old they get. My "baby" will be 38 this year, but she is still my baby.

I have no doubt that someday you will be the positive one on here. AND it does not matter at all that you are not there at this time, I am just so happy you are back.

Been thinking about you, and want you to know you are not alone. My life may be a little easier in some ways than yours, but there are many days when I just want to turn off the phone and not answer the door....and sometimes I do just that. I am fortunate that I am retired, so on those bad days, I just hibernate! I miss Mike helping me to make decisions, little and big, I do not like being the one in charge....I liked it much better when we were a team. Miss that a lot.

Take care friend,

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[melina]

Melina, so glad to see that you are back, I missed you! This is a place for us whether we feel positive or not, and although I am not glad for the reason, I am glad to see that you need us. We need you also. We learn from each other, and what works for one will not work for another.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

Mary,

Thank you. I'm grateful for my friends here and for the support I get. When I leave because I'm feeling too miserable to be around, I'm always welcomed back. It feels safe.

I'm still wondering if it wouldn't be better for many of us to post in the "Living with Loss" forum, since we're further out in the process, and my sudden wailings might frighten the newcomers who are at the beginning of their journey. I know that when I was only a few weeks out, it scared me to read about people who wrote that the second year was worse than the first. I couldn't imagine having to deal with such pain for that long.

Not sure if I have anything to offer new widows/widowers - other than to show them that I'm still alive, working and going about my business, even if I stumble and fall now and then, and wail for someone to come and help me up.

Melina