Alone And Frightened

[Guest babylady]

my husband passed on 5/27/12 3 months after being diagnosed with a brain tumor. i have health problems -- severe chronic fatigue sydrome, IBS, scoliosis, herniated discs. he was taking care of me. i only got out 1 or 2 days a week for a few hours. i have no friends or family here. what if something happens to me? who would they contact? who would take care of my cat? my only friend is my massage therapist who is also a realtor and has a family. he does as much as he can for me. right now he's in canada for a week with his brothers on a fishing trip. i couldn't reach him if i tried -- no cell phone service. one sister is in S.C. -- the other is in toronto. i'm in phoenix, az.

john was my whole life. we were together almost 42 years.

besides dealing with the grief of losing my soul mate i'm so scared. i live in a remote area -- not too many people here. neighbors -- most at least 1/2 mile away say "call if you need something". why don't they call me to see how i'm doing and ask "are you okay -- do you have food in the house"? i don't like asking people for help.

[sdk]

babylady,

so sorry for your lose of your John. Glad you found this site, Everyone here understands how you are feeling and is here to listen whenever you need it. I have found that people are always saying call me if you need anything and the never call to see how you are. I have had that experience and it hurts. Sometimes you need to ask for help. Also being scared are being alone and getting sick or not feeling well is something we all feel. Have you thought about getting a medical alert button? Remember we are here for you and we are only a send button away.

Sheryl

[Guest babylady]

i thought of the medical alert, but i know i wouldn't wear it -- too heavy. thank you for your being here for me.

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Babylady I am so very very sorry about the loss of your soul mate. I lost Pete, my soul mate of 50 years, on May 4th and I am in a very sad place. I have found some wonderful people on this site and I hope you will correspond with them as I know it will help you. Yes people do say call me and they mean it but then they don't know when you need help but I would say try to keep in touch with anyone who says that. Ask them to do something that you know they can do, like shopping. They will be pleased to be able to do something definite and it may turn into regular support. And if there are several people spread out your requests as you will feel better about not burdening one person. People really do want to help but they don't know until you tell them, what would be helpful. Jan

[Ron B.]

Babylady,

The most active forum here is the Loss of a Spouse forum. You will find a lot of support there. Other forums here move more slowly. I'm 3 years on after losing a parent, so I've had a lot of time to think and feel my way through grief. You are only one month out since losing your husband, and that is a very difficult time. Like you, I had very little support from anybody in my early grief; nobody I could regularly talk to. At about the 3rd month I had to get professional counseling, because I was so stressed out, lonely, and hurting. The counseling really helped me, and I strongly recommend it for others having serious issues with their grief. Another thing which helped me was that I live in an urban area, so I can walk to a market or coffee house within 15 minutes. Just being around people, even if I didn't talk with them, helped me. I can see how living as you do in a more isolated location can be stressful. At least you have your cat for companionship. Wish I had a cat. For basic contact with living beings of the human variety, this forum works pretty well. It's not hard to find compassion and understanding here, and that can do a lot to reassure us when we feel troubled. Everybody here has been through some hard experience with their grief. If I or someone else has not experienced your particular issues, then you will probably find others here who have. Collectively we are strong and do very well in supporting each other. Use these forums as liberally as you need to. Glad you found us.

Ron B.

[LarrysGirl]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. This is a wonderful site and I think you will find support here from people who understand how you are feeling. I lost my Larry over six yrs. ago and still come to this site to help others or find someone to listen when I need it. Grief is very hard and very lonely. I know you must worry when you don't have support around you. Just in the last year or so I've been dealing with some health issues and get very scared too as to what will I do, how will I find help, etc. I'm also pretty isolated, I do have neighbors that I maybe could call on for an emergency but they don't check on me, neither do people I call "friends" and it hurts. I had someone say to me, remember you can always call 911. Yes, I can but it sure would be nice to know someone cared if I was ill. I've actually considered the life alert, I may have to try it. I have 2 dogs that depend on me so I'm trying hard to keep going but it is very hard. You can send me a message on this site if you would like to. Maybe it would help you not feel so alone. Deborah

[Guest babylady]

i sent you message. hope i did it right.

[missing him]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and your health issues. Can your health insurance provide you with an "in home nurse" or maybe you can look in to hiring one?? I will keep you in my prayers.

Missing Him

[Cheryl]

Please contact Hospice of the Valley they can help you find support. Thery are all around phx.

[Guest babylady]

i have support. the bereavement counselor came to the house yesterday. that's how i found out about this site.

[widower]

Wow does that sound familiar. Frankly I hate the "call if you need something" bit. As stated, hey how about you call ME? I'm the one who needs it, remember? You're the ones whose lives HAVEN'T been shattered.

Given all you've said, can you consider moving elsewhere, like nearer to family/friends? I realize that's easier said than done but it sounds like it could be good for many reasons - closer to people who can visit/check on you, nearer to medical facilities, nearer to shopping or whatever, etc etc. Isolation sounds like about the last thing you need. (Plus that heat - I used to live in Tucson, I remember it well!)

Not sure I'm getting the heaviness of the medical alert things - I know someone who has one (she is pretty frail) and didn't get the impression it was heavy but can't say for sure. Do any of your conditions make this a lot harder?

Wishing you the best and an upturn in all this. Give yourself time above all, it's still very new for you.

[Guest babylady]

my granddaughter lives in florida -- not a place i want to live -- mosquitoes, hurricanes, floods, humidity and alligators. my sister and nieces live in S.C. way to hot and humid in the summer and too cold in the winter. i'd be miserable -- probably never leave the house.

john and i built this house together. fortunately it's paid for and i love it. rather take my chances of being alone here than leave.

[Guest babylady]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and your health issues. Can your health insurance provide you with an "in home nurse" or maybe you can look in to hiring one?? I will keep you in my prayers.

Missing Him

my health problems are not severe enough for an in home nurse. it's hard because john did everything for me. he took out the garbage -- emptied and cleaned cat's litter pan. did most of the food shopping. if i craved an ice cream at night he went out and got it for me. he liked taking care of me. he knew how hard it was for me.

when i told this to a neighbor who's supposed to be giving me support he said "well maybe it's about time you got off your ass and did things yourself".

we had a cleaning service come every 2 weeks. i changed it to every 4 weeks. the house doesn't get really dirty and i have 2 roomba's (robotic vacuums).

i can't use a regular vacuum because if i do my back hurts so bad that i have to lie down for a while. same thing with bending and cleaning the litter pan.

my biggest problem is being alone with no support. no friends -- no family here. howie (my only friend) has a key to the house but he's not always reachable. he's a massage therapist and realtor and has a family. right now he's in canada on a fishing trip with his brothers.

[Lina]

I am so sorry.

[kayc]

I am sorry about your loss. With your medical complications, it makes it much harder for you.

I also live isolated pretty much so have made an arrangement with a neighbor that is widowed also and we check on each other...just touch base once a day, that way in case something happened, our pets would be cared for.

[missing him]

What can I say...Some people are idots. I have had someone tell me "to just get over it, nobody is worth it". I told her that I didn't despise my husband like you despise yours. Ugh!

I hope things work out for you. This is an unfortunate situation and I'm sorry.

Missing Him

[LarrysGirl]

I'm glad alot of people have made some suggestions trying to help. I know its not the same as having John with you and I'm sorry. Loss and change is so hard. I've not been able to accomplish much if any changes even after all this time. Right now be gentle with yourself and don't overdo. Deborah

[Guest babylady]

i can't do very much right now -- only what's absolutely necessary. the last 2 days were really bad.

arlene

[kayc]

Arlene,

I'm sorry the last two days were really bad, I hope they get better for you. You are right to only do what you must, it's up to us to protect ourselves. (((hugs))

[Guest babylady]

didn't get to sleep till after 3 am. stayed in bed till almost 1 pm. wanted to pick up my husband's clothes from assisted living but it's late now. i keep remembering what people are saying "be kind to yourself" so i'll get them another day.

hugs to you.

[zeeks]

I am so very sorry... people "move on" as they call it. to those of us whom have lost our "lives" to death it seems to never move on. I made Roger and my 2 granddaughters my WHOLE life! Now with him gone and them "sprouting up" I know too well that my time for isolation will be at hand. I suffer from social anxiety disorder, so the being alone is not as bad as for most. But the not having any one to which "needs"me, now that hurts. I loved caring for them all... lately it feels as if no one needs me, they only seek me out for cash, which then straps my already non-existant budget. It was HOME when he was alive and they were small... maybe we can assist each other in this time. My cousin also lost his wife and she "cared " for his ailling heath troubles as well... he is in Wy and I IA....neither of us in financial position to be with one another except by email. May God be with us all!!!

[kayc]

I'm glad to hear you're listening to the "be kind to yourself", some of the best advice I ever got!

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Arlene,

I understand your pain, and not having anyone who will call you. That is what happened with me after Pauline passed. The only time someone called, it was her best friend Donna, who we had known for years. As far as, her family, no calls, she passed 1 year and 4 months, 8 days ago, and to this day none of her family has ever come to our house to see me.

Thank God for Harry, he was a big help to me last summer, while I was in the hospital with an infection C-DIFF. All my family, are out west. Oh I live in Massachusetts, and Harry and I became friends from a widows- widowers group. The first month I could not sleep either, just lay awake all night long. I had to go onto medication to get my body back into balance again. Now I am off most of all the medications. As far as the First Alert button, the are small plastic and very light in weight. Pauline wore one and she had MS, Multiple Sclerosis, she use it a couple times. Being alone so far away from anyone, I would not rule it out. Her insurance paid for it.

I am so sorry for your loss, but this is the right place to be. Keep coming back.

God Bless,

Dwayne

[enna]

Hi Arlene,

How are you doing today. I am thinking of you. Have you thought of a live-in companion? The Medic Alert button is really good. I bought one for my Jim when he was still moving around. It didn't make me so afraid of leaving him when I had to go out and he didn't want anyone coming in to sit with him. Are your physical ailments under control? How do you get around? Remember, we are connected as friends. E-mail me on the friends site and I will look in on you from AZ. enna

[Guest babylady]

my one and only friend here howie took me to the pain doc for an epidural shot. this was the 3rd in my lower back. had 3 in my cervical area which didn't work. i have scoliosis, herniated discs, osteoarthritis. i also have chronic fatigue syndrome and irritable bowel sydrome.

i'm able to drive. i do my own food shopping -- not much to buy. i order a lot of things on-line and have them delivered. howie takes care of some things around the house and i have a cleaning service comes every 4 weeks. house doesn't get that dirty with one person. i also have the roomba vacuums.

howie is taking care of packing all of john's things up and cleaning out the garage. john was a pack rat. howie is my massage therapist who became my best friend when john got ill. he's also a realtor and a husband so there's only so much time he can devote to me. his wife is really sweet too.

i'm a very private person and living with another person wouldn't work. even my beloved john knew i had to have "my space". we had separate bedrooms for years. he had sleep apnea and slept with a c-pap mask.

i also have a neighbor across the wash and he takes care of putting my garbage up front. his 13 year old son washes my car. i live on 2-1/2 acres. he also does other little things. he said "don't be afraid to call if you need me -- even if it's in the middle of the night".

i live in the county -- north of carefree hwy and I-17. it would be quite a drive for you, but thank you for the offer.

my friends in new york check on me every day either by phone or e-mail and if they don't hear back from me they have howie's number. he has keys to the house.

i have another friend here, but she has similar ailments and lives about 15 miles away and is afraid her car wouldn't make it up the hills to my house.

arlene