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Will It Ever Get Easier?


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I seem to be getting worse, not better. July will be 2 months that I lost my husband and it still feels like yesterday. I cry so much and I have no control when the tears come. I will be at work, in my car or at the grocery store and the tears just come. I break down asking him, "how am I supposed to go on without you?" He was all I had and now I feel as though I have nothing. I don't know how to live life without him. I took care of him for so long and so looked forward to coming home to him and just holding him. I loved knowing he was laying next to me. I couldn't sleep if he wasn't next to me and I get up at least 4 times now that he is gone. I don't think I will ever understand this and strugging if I can even accept this. I just don't know how to do this. I have such heartache.

Missing Him

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Dear missing him,

I am so sorry you are in such pain. Everything you describe in your post reflect the feelings I had after Bill died...it felt like "yesterday" for me for many months. I had no control over tears for many months...on occasion that still happens to me. It certainly happened today when I saw some friends on our anniverary and my former neighbors just stopped by. Jim (who was a friend of Bill's) and Cathy (who has had more losses than I can count)...Jim hugged me and held me as I sobbed in his arms. That did not surprise me but I had no control over it. Somehow we do figure out how to live without our beloveds...not sure how all that happens but we do survive as impossible as that seems to you. It seemed impossible to me also. NO one could have convinced me that I would make it through this (not that I am through it,by any means). The word I learned was patience and I still have to remind myself to be patient with myself and the process. Taking one day at a time helps me...if I start looking too far ahead I just get discouraged... You are so raw...it is not even two months...take one day or even one hour at at time and try to believe we more seasoned members that it does get better...truly. Getting into a support group would be good in another month or so...consider that. Having people to talk to helps a lot. Like feeling free to sob in my neighbor's arms tonight...I cried a lot today alone for the most part but just sobbing with someone wrapped around me helped so much. I hope you have some support. I wish you peace in these troubled days. Mary

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I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband died 4 years ago and I still have times that are very difficult for me. Grief is not a short walk, but a very long journey.

It sounds like you cared for your husband for a time before his death. I too was the care provider for my husband for several years before and after his double lung transplant surgery. After his death, I was so tired, physically, mentally and emotionally. It took me months and months to regain my strength. I doubt that I will ever be able to sleep through the night again. You need time to rest and recover.

You need to give yourself time and acknowledge that you are going to be in pain, you are going to cry often and at the strangest times, you are not going to be able to sleep and you are going to be so lonely. It's what grief is. We need to learn to accept the fact that grief is grief and we all have no choice but to work our way through the worst of the grief.

At first, I refused to even consider attending a grief support group. That was a big mistake. I would encourage you to try to find a group. It is so comforting to find a group of people who are experiencing the same thing you are experiencing. It was so supportive for me to find a group of women who understood when I talked about being lonely, being depressed, being angry, etc., etc.

This is a great place to share your feeling. There is no judgement here and no one telling you what you have to do, should be doing and all that stuff people who have not suffered the loss of a spouse or partner are so quick to share.

Hang in there. Let us know how you are doing.

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Guest babylady

Missing Him,

that happens to me. when i try to hold back the tears i start to hyper ventilate. never had that experience before.

when i found out john was terminal i got in the hospital bed with him. i would hold on to him and cry. he didn't know what was going on until they gave him the meds to bring down the swelling in his brain. at that point he didn't remember that i was sick and that he was taking care of me. he lasted almost 8 weeks after the diagnosis -- one thing he always remembered and continued to say it was that he loved me. he said "it was beyond love". he would sleep and when he woke up he'd look at me and say "i love you and you're the most beautiful woman i've ever seen". the day before he passed he slept most of the day. he woke up and the nurse called me and asked if she should put the phone to his ear. i said "yes". i said "i love you" and he managed to say "i love you too". those were the last words he said to me. i am so grateful to that nurse for doing that. he passed 4:35 am the next morning. the nurse called and said he didn't have more than an hour. i drove there in the dark -- normally i can't drive in the dark. by the time i got there at 4:55 he was gone. he passed at 4:35. i kissed and hugged his dead body and then got in bed with him and laid my head on his chest. he was starting to get cold at that point. seeing him dead with his mouth open freaked me out. a few days later i was lying down -- not sleeping and he appeared to me. it was brief but i saw his face. he was smiling and a little tuft of his hair was sticking up. much better to remember him that way. i have his ashes in a marble urn in my living room. thought i'd feel better when i got the ashes, but it freaked me out. he left the house in one piece and now all i had were ashes. of course, cremation was my choice -- i didn't want his body rotting in the ground, but i did have a severe reaction.

he's been gone out of the house since 4/10. i miss him so much. i go into his room and lie on his bed. i sleep with one of his shirts over my pillow case. i talk to him. i do crazy things like send him e-mails.

i never realized that an adult could sob and make noises when they cried. i thought only children did that. sometimes i scream -- other times my body shakes with sobbing and it's loud. i try not to scare my cat. sometimes i scream when i'm driving.

he was my whole life, but i know he would want me to go on and try to make some kind of life for myself. if i could get past some of my illnesses i think i could handle this better. i feel so vulnerable.

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Lina

My husband Jim has been gone almost 6 months and I am going through the same thing. I think sometimes as time goes by reality sets in. Up until a few weeks ago I was living thinking and saying that he was coming home and at that time it seemed so real to me. As the days went by reality began to set in. I still think that sometimes now when something happens that I feel I cannot take care of myself, but realize I have to do it myself because he is not coming home. I started going to a therapist after a month and that has really helped as well as belonging to forums like this. Like others have said being around others who are going through the same feelings really helps. Living momet to moment and then graduating to living hour to hour and then day to day. Keep talking here we are all here for you.

sheryl

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Bless your heart. Sadness can be so incredibly overwhelming and can rob you of your self-confidence and certainly your peace of mind. Not feeling well certainly makes it more difficult to handle the incredible stress.

It's been 4 years and I still talk to Dick. I have his ashes in my closet, I have not been able to purchase an urn, so he is still in the black plastic box, sitting on the shelf in my closet. On a really bad day, I open the closet door and tell him all about what is bothering me, just like I used to when he was alive and well. When I have managed to take another baby step forward in my grief, I sit on the bed and tell him all about what I have accomplished and how good it feels. My dogs sit at my feet and look at me like I'm looney. Guess it's quite a sight????

It does get better, honest. We just have to try to be patient and let time work it's magic.

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Thank you all for your responses. I have never expierenced death before. This is my first. I too placed my head on his chest, kissed him and held him. His body was cold and stiff. His face looked so peacefull and his mouth was closed and it even looked like he had a little smile going on. I have my parents and sister's support but it just isn't the same. All I want is him - his love, his touch, his support and him to talk to. I too am exhausted from taking care of him (which I would do it all over again), I was the only one working, taking care of the house, taking him back and forth to doctors, in and out of hospitals and now I'm exhausted trying to live with the fact that he is gone. This is the worst thing ever for someone to go through. Thinking of you all.

Missing Him

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Anne - so sorry to hear about your loss as well. I have looked into support groups but the one that is close to me is when I'm at work. I will keep looking in to it and maybe I can work something out with work as they have been beyond supportive.

You hit it right on - I too am exhausted like you. He was the love of my life and his death was so sudden. I appreciate what you wrote. Thank you.

Missing Hime

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Babylady - Sounds like John adored you just like my baby. Everytime I told him I love him, he would always respond with, "I love you more". He always told me that I was his angel and was sent to him. His illness brought us even closer than we were. Most people wait a lifetime to hope to find that someone to love them like our husbands loved us. I hope you feel better and get through your illness.

Missing Him

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(((hugs)))

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I think it might get easier, but you (and I) are still in that very new place. It has been 4 months for me and I am finding that I am having a a few more good moments than I did even a month ago. It still takes very little to get me from happish to a weeping, sobbing mess. I watched a silly video last night and immediately though - "OMG..I need to show this to Charles", 2 seconds later I remembered he was gone, 3 seconds later I was sobbing. I have experienced a lot of death in my family, and I will tell you...each one is different and handled differently. What you are experiencing is probably what you would experience no matter what.

What does help me is I journal, and write letters to him. Sometimes I am mad at him, sometimes I tell him how much I miss his snuggles and silliness, but I tell him about it in writing. I am also in therapy(my therapist is amazing, and I do credit him with getting me through the first couple of months without me having a couplete meltdown). I think this forum helps and knowing people that have gone through, or are going through, the same thing help. I started thinking I was truly losing my mind and then found out it was a normal part of the process. I think my next step is getting back out and into a bereavementnt group in my area of Phoenix.

I heard a saying in a movie not to long ago and though...that is how I feel. Upon discussing the death of his wife the character says, " If I could just talk to her about how to get over her." I yelled at the TV...YES! THAT! My sweet man was my best friend, and right now although I miss everything that goes with a relationship...I miss my best friend and being able to talk to him about "stuff".

I hope you find peace today, and then again tomorrow, and again the next day, etc...

DeAnne

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DeAnne - Makes me hopeful to hear that you are having a few more good moments. Do you mind me asking what "tools" your therapist suggests, if any, to help you through this? I have done some journal writing but I tend to talk to him more than write. I am seeing a therapist and she suggested me reading the book "Faith In The Valley" which I purchased. It does bring some comfort.

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Writing is the big one. I talk to Charles a lot too...sometimes kinda mean, sometimes in tears. Writing seems to be a different skill set and helps in a different way, perhaps it makes you have to look back and actually think about what you want to say. (My journaling has changed in four months). He has also encouraged me to meditate (thinking about how my life will look in the future and the positives that I can see.) I think the idea, for me, is to discuss with someone, who is educated in the process, that can tell me what to expect in the future and that I am normal Today, i just set and cried in his office, and then felt guilt because I have this self-impossed timeline of when I should be better. He told me, again, there is not time frame and that I need to remember to be gentle with myself. He is also encouraging me to join an actually grief group and make some social contacts and get out of my house.

As for as reading, I have not really read anything except things online. I will tell you, however, last night (right before I melted down) I actually laughed so hard my sides hurt. That was the first time I think I have done that since Feb. Sadly, the thing I was laughing about made me think, "OMG... HAHAHAHA, I have to share this with Charles." 2 seconds later I remembered he was gone, 3 seconds after that I was a sobbing mess. Okay, forgetting the last part of that story...I laughed so hard I could have snorted soda out of my nose and it felt strange but really good. I hope some of this helps give you some more hope.

DeAnne

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Dear Missing Him,

At 2 months no one can, expect nothing else, than to be crying, broken hearted, the feeling, like your whole world has been ripped apart. I surely know, that is how I was at 2 months, 3 months. Even though my journey with Pauline through her illness took so many years, in fact just a few months shorts of 2 decades - 20 years fighting a disease, that we both knew would take her life some day. We did not know the day, year, or time, until it came. We prepared so much for the end, never left anything unspoken, or talked about, no matter how hard, and how many tears we shed we talked. But in the end, after she passed, my heart was ripped right out. A giant hole was in my chest where it belonged. 2 months you are feeling the emotions, that all the rest of us feel. Some of us have grown in this grief. Taken it, after we have healed for a while, and started a new journey, using what we have learned from this, and take it forwards to help others in need, some how, some way. Do not think at 2 months you should be feeling something different, besides a broken heart, a part of your soul ripped out, go easy, let time do the work. Keep coming back here, we have, great people on here, who have been where you are at now, use this place as often as you can. Expressing your feelings are a great way to start the healing.

God Bless,

Dwayne

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Well I'm no expert but I've read thousands of posts and I sure think your response is normal. As for what to expect in the future, I don't think anyone can predict that because a lot depends on how we handle things. There is that six month mark, though, that seems to be when reality hits and a lot of people say it's hard, but it's not necessarily exactly six months, could be four, could be seven. And a lot of people think the second year is harder than the first, but not everyone...I think a lot of that hinges on our expectations...we expect the first year to be the hardest or to be through the worst and if it doesn't work out like that, it's another blow. Just remember that this is a process, a unique journey, there will be similarities to other people's grief journeys, but there will be things that are unique to your own too.

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Thanks Dwayne. I had another rough day today. I came across some pictures and a video I found of the cabin we would always go to. Some things he said on video made me laugh then I started balling. I miss him so much and want him back. I don't feel like doing anything and I don't want to get in a deeper depression than I already am.

Missing Him

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missing him and deAnneD....it is not in the air...it is in our hearts and souls...it is called grieving. It is ok. Mary

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Yes, it happens to me also and has since day 1. I call them ambushes or waves of grief or even tsunamis of grief. I heard that grief is like standing on a beach with your back to the water. You know a wave is coming. You do not know when. You do not know how big or small but it does come... Those tears are healing you, let them flow. Peace, Mary

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Does it ever get better? There was a time that I would not have believed that it could get better. My husband Mike died unexpectedly of a massive coronary, when I was in the hospital 1 1/2 hours away. I had just had a total knee replacement a couple of days before. The first few months are just a blur to me, but now at nearly 2 1/2 years since his death, yes it does get a little better, or at least bearable. Do I still grieve, yes. Do I still miss him, oh, yes, always. Am I lonely, yes, very much, for him. But, life has moved on, and at 66 I know I could have a couple more decades here. I will always miss him, but am trying to live the life that I have left. Not always easy, but I have great supportive friends, and family, not to mention my two spoiled corgi dogs. Not the life I expected to be living in retirement, but it is a life, with a new path.

You have found a great place to come. People here are so supportive, and non-judgemental. Grief takes each of us down a different path, so I cannot say I can feel exactly how someone else is grieving, but I can say that I know how much it hurts. You are so new into this journey that none of us wanted to make. Prayers and Positive thoughts coming your way, and for all of us.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Yes, it happens to me also and has since day 1. I call them ambushes or waves of grief or even tsunamis of grief. I heard that grief is like standing on a beach with your back to the water. You know a wave is coming. You do not know when. You do not know how big or small but it does come... Those tears are healing you, let them flow. Peace, Mary

Yes, this is a perfect explaination.

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Mary,

I agree with your perfect description of the waves of grief.

When I was on my trip to Alaska, I was ambushed by a wave while sitting looking out over the sea with the snow capped mountains in the distance. As I sat there sobbing, a lovely man who worked for the cruise line, came rushing over to see if I was alright. I told him, believe it or not I am fine. I just wish my husband could be here to see this beautiful sight. He just patted me on the back and walked quietly away. He smiled and gave me a little wave every time he saw me after that. What a nice man.

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