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MyBobby

It's Getting Worse Instead Of Better

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I lost my husband to cancer March 22, 2012. He was diagnosed the week of Valentine's Day and died 5 weeks later. Every time he had another test or examination the news was worse. I brought him home with me on Wednesday night and he died Thursday, 25 hours after Hospice took over. He died in our bedroom. For 17 years we were together almost all of the time. We worked together, and when he was off work, he would drive me to work and pick me up for lunch until two years ago when I retired. Then we spent all of our time together. I had alot of problems with my family during placement of my Mother in a dementia unit an hour away from all of us, and my son and I did not speak for almost a year. During that time, I thought I would lose my mind, but my Bobby was at my side with an ear to listen, arms to hug me and I could let loose. I can't imagine how difficult it was for him to live with me going nuts, but he loved me and I loved him. In the beginning I cried when the tears were there, and it was acceptable to cry around everyone because they knew I just lost my husband. I even had not so bad days in between the bad days. Now it's all bad. I don't go a day without crying for hours at a time. I am worse than I was when he died. I am concerned that this depression I am in will continue and this is how the rest of my life will be. I don't see any reason to be happy, and have no joy in my life at all. My husband was everything to me, and I miss him so much.

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I understand so well. It is now 8 months ago since my husband died from lung cancer at the hospital. I've had bouts of depression on and off but mostly stays with me and everything looks bleak. I find lately that I am getting up better in the mornings as I only wanted to lie in bed and not face the day. It is a lonely path however.

This site is good for us all to share as we have all been through it. People who have not had a loss cannot understand at all and will tell you to get on with your life etc. Silly people.

I am having to adjust to living on my own and it is not that good I can tell you but we can only face a day at a time. I do feel for you. Just let the tears roll and perhaps one day the healing will take place and there will be less pain. It will always be with us but the terrible feeling will lessen.

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Dear One, I'm so sorry for your loss ~ and I'm pleased that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. I can assure you that this feeling you're experiencing ("I am worse than I was when he died") is not at all unusual. The best explanation I can offer is that the initial shock of your beloved's death has begun to subside ("nature's way of cushioning the blow") and now you're beginning to feel the full force of your loss. This does not mean, by any means, that there is anything "wrong" with you, nor does it mean that you are crazy or weak, or that you will always feel the way that you are feeling now. The one thing about grief is that it keeps changing.

I just found an article in my files that I think might speak to you in a special way, and I'd like to share it with you: Just click on the title and you'll go right to the article: Nature's Remedy - Allowing the Universe to Embrace Us in Our Pain and Need (Please ignore the title; the article is a response to a question from a reader: "How do I cope after the death of my husband? Two months today and getting worse.")

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Guest babylady

Mybobby -- i understand. my husband passed 2 months ago yesterday, but it was 5 months ago today that the nightmare started. he came home from work and had a seizure. he died from a brain tumor.

i'm very depressed. i have some health problems too. i was listening to a memorial earlier from someone in colorado and he said "follow your dreams -- you never know when things will end". i realized i don't have any dreams. it's an effort to get out of bed. i sleep late which makes the day shorter. didn't get up today till almost 1 pm.

i'm taking an antidepressant but it's only 3 weeks so i don't think its "kicked in" yet. i'm also getting panic attacks.

i'm all alone and frightened. only have 1 friend here in phoenix.

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Myboby, March is not that long ago. What you are feeling is very understandable and unfortunatly, you are early on a long road of healing.

As Marty said, grief keeps changing. I can testify to that. I lost my bride two years ago this comming Feb. 17th. At first I felt as you are describing. Shock gives way to total trauma. You come unglued in many different ways. And then you cry more than you ever thought possible.

I actually thought I had developed an eye infection because I would wake with my eye stuck to my pillow. I was crying in my sleep. i found it hard to work without loosing it and driving in my car made me appreciate that I had dark tinted windows. I wish I could say that it gets better but you would not believe me yet. Grief is a journey. It comes with all kinds of wicked thoughts from guilt to anger, and even ideas of giving up. One great thing about this place is that there are so many souls going through it like you are and I hope like me you can find comfort in listening to there stories and take what you can from them. They are like tools that you can use to help you through this journey that we have all found ourselves in. One day you will realize that you laughed more than you cried. It happened to be that day that I knew I was not going to die of grief, but to live with it.

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I think that is such an apt way of putting it = not dying of grief but living with it. It has been five years since I lost my beloved grandmother and there are still days when I miss her terribly, that I ache with wanting to just talk with her on the phone. It simply takes time and there is no saying how much time, how long or when you will start to move forward. It is done a little at a time and in pieces. You will never be the same, will be a different you but that's okay. I am so sorry for your loss and hope time will start to heal your heart.

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The grief journey goes through it's phases...for me I felt the earlier months were the hardest, but it took a long time before I fully processed it. Everyone's experience is unique so it's hard to compare time frames. Just know that whatever you are going through is normal for you and it won't stay at this intensity forever. You will smile again. And you will cry after that. That's okay, this is a trip through ups and downs, but eventually there's a few more ups than downs. Try to hang in there.

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Thanks to everybody for sharing your stories and for the encouragement.

I certainly need the support, as the "shock and awe" of my husband's very sudden

death on April 29 is just now wearing off.... and I am one hurting unit.

And yeah it IS getting worse now that I can feel each tsunami of guilt and

anger and pain!! I know we have to feel the pain, not avoid it, blah blah blah

I understand all that happy horse hockey, but..... damn. Just damn.

But really, there are still things to be grateful for in the midst of all this,

and one of them is this forum and all you wonderful people on it.

Cheers,

Liz

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I joined this forum because of this post. I lost my husband June 15th, 2012. I'm supposed to be better but I'm not and nobody gets it. Today and this week have been really tough. The 25th anniversary of my mom's death when i was in college. Mine and my husbands anniversary this week.

In 2011 I lost my father in law.

In 2010 I lost my dad. It just piles on.

I just still feel like I'm in free fall.

things trigger me all the time. I cry way too much.

I hope to find some help/solace/comfort here.

Mary

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Mary, my dear, my heart hurts for you as I read your post, and I promise that you will find some of the comfort, compassion and support you're seeking in this very special place. Welcome.

As I read through all the posts in this thread just now, I discovered that the link to the article I'd mentioned above was broken. (I just hate it when that happens :wacko:!) I've fixed it, though, so if you're interested, you can find it here: Nature's Remedy - Allowing the Universe to Embrace Us in Our Time of Need.

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Dear Mary,

I am so sorry for your very recent loss.

The article and site Marty linked were both very helpful for me.

I lost my husband a little more than a year ago.

I am figuring out just now that there is not timeline for this grief process. And as the article so helpfully points out, the more we lean into our grief and loss, and let the tears flow, the better we feel. I am healing now that I am letting my grief come out as tears. And,I have finally stopped expecting me to be all better in any set amount of time. I wish I knew words to help ease your pain.

But I can say this: you have found a wonderful place to share your pain, share your loss, and find your along this journey. We will be here to comfort you and listen. You might want to introduce yourself on the Loss of Spouse forum, where you will find caring and loving people who have also lost spouses and will continue to respond with love to support and be with you on this journey of grief.

I am so glad you have found this place, and I hope you will stay and join with us on this journey we are all learning to navigate. Welcome to a place of comfort and caring.

Blessings, Peace, and Much Love,

*<twinkles>

feralfae

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I'm very sorry for your loss as well,but it is a very good thing that you have found this forum!

They say time heals,but I find that our loved one who will always be watching over us wants us to go on thes best we can.

That takes second by second to pass the time-doing what needs to be done,keeping ourselves pre-occupied,but going on. Step by step

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Mary,

I'm sorry about your loss as well...I lost my husband June 19, 2005...I've also lost a lot of others, and it seems when you are grieving, the losses pile up and trigger one another so instead of just grieving the current one, you are being assailed with the cumulative loss.

You have found a good place to come to, we are all journeying together and helping each other along the way. I hope you continue to come here, it's a safe place where you won't be judged but will be allowed to grieve at your own pace and in your own way.

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I am grieving terribly for someone who is still alive- my beloved daughter, who, at the age of 31, has cut me out of her life. I have cried before after losing family members who have died, but the intensity of grief that I feel now is much worse, almost unbearable. I am so sad that I may never see her dear face again! People don't understand my sadness, as she is still alive. I cry a lot in private- at home and in the car. I can see how gradually you recover a bit after a death, but how do you come to terms with the grief that accompanies rejection by your child? I feel as if I may never stop crying. I've had to stop working, as I can't cope. I'm taking snti-deptessants, but they haven't changed anything, really.

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I'm so sorry, Jill. You don't say what has caused this rift in your relationship with your daughter, but clearly whatever happened is causing you enormous pain. The grief you're feeling is as real as if a death has happened, and it stems from what is known as an ambiguous loss ~ that is, a loss of someone still alive, and one that occurs without closure or understanding. You are left searching for answers, which complicates and delays the process of grieving, resulting in grief that goes unresolved. Understanding what you are feeling and why can be the first step in healing, so I encourage you to take a look at some of the resources listed in this article: Mourning An Abusive Relationship: Suggested Resources.

 

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4 hours ago, MartyT said:

I'm so sorry, Jill. You don't say what has caused this rift in your relationship with your daughter, but clearly whatever happened is causing you enormous pain. The grief you're feeling is as real as if a death has happened, and it stems from what is known as an ambiguous loss ~ that is, a loss of someone still alive, and one that occurs without closure or understanding. You are left searching for answers, which complicates and delays the process of grieving, resulting in grief that goes unresolved. Understanding what you are feeling and why can be the first step in healing, so I encourage you to take a look at some of the resources listed in this article: Mourning An Abusive Relationship: Suggested Resources.

 

My daughter cut me off after a phone call, in which she said that she had yo distance herself from me because I was part of her toxic past. Her father was emotionally abusive to all of us, and we all have anxiety and depression as a result. My daughter developed psychotic depression in her 20s and now seems to blame me for it, as she has no contacts with her father, whom I divorced when she was 11. I wrote her a letter recently, apologising for any pain I caused her, but I think that was a mistake, as I have unwittingly "bought into" her version of the past, which makes me the blameworthy person. My daughter, aged 31 and her brother phone each other to speak ill of me. They have both blocked me on the phone and social media, so there is no communication, and she plans to move house this year. I wasn't the perfect mother, but it is hard bringing up 3 children on your own, and I am not the monster she imagines  My friends say that I am a good and kind person  I don't know how to face the future without my children, especially my daughter, who was once close to me.

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Jill,

I am sorry you are going through this, it's a pain I've carried with me for 18 long years.  My daughter hasn't cut me off as abruptly as yours but she has chosen not to have any of us be a part of her life and we've never gotten any reasons from her, she doesn't get real with us.  All I know is, when she turned 18, she never looked back.  We were close when she was growing up.  She does this not just to me but to everyone on both sides of the family, even her brother.  The only time she contacts him is when she needs her car worked on.  It hurts.  I used to call her my holiday girl because that's the only time I see her.  She hasn't been to my house in over three years, never calls, doesn't answer phone calls and hasn't set up voicemail in all these years.  We all hurt over it.  She had a pretty good growing up, but her dad was kind of hard, we divorced when she was a teenager.  I've wondered if that did it, but at the time she said she understood.  

I think it's a mistake for kids to cut their parents out of their lives unless they're abusive, but it's been a mystery to me and everyone else.  I've speculated and analyzed it to death and still have no answers, I can only accept that this is how it is.  I continue to be here for her if she should ever need or want me, I pray for her, beyond that...not much I can do.  It hasn't helped that I know she's in an abusive relationship (her husband) because I worry about her.

I don't know that a child can fully understand the love of a mother unless/until they have children themselves.  Unfortunately, my daughter had two miscarriages and hasn't had children.

The pain associated with the loss you are carrying is great.  I'm very sorry.  You have people here that get it and care.  The one thing we have to remember is that this is about them and not us.  I know it FEELS personal and it hurts like the dickens, but try very hard to not personalize it.  I'm trying that after years of beating myself up over something imaginary that I have no clue about.

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