Dream Of Guilt

[pumkin]

This morning I woke up with my heart pounding and feeling so guilty. In my dream I was going through Marco's clothing and getting it ready donate it to Goodwill. Marco came walking right by me and said, "I'm still alive,and if you would have come see my body at the funeral home you would have known I didn't die." That's when I woke up. Is Marco telling me I should have gone to see his lifeless body? I tried so hard giving him CPR before the paramedics arrived. Everyday I see his lifeless body lying there in the driveway. Maybe I could have saved him if I woke up earlier. I miss him so much. He looked so handsome and healthy in my dream. I just sit here crying at my computer, but I know all of you on this forum understand what I'm feeling. You're the only family I have that understands me. February 20th will be six months since I lost him. Thank you with all my heart for being here.

[mfh]

Oh, Pumkin, I am so sorry you are so distraught. I do understand. A good number of us have had dreams like that about things that are bothering us or about events laden with guilt...a self imposed guilt. When Bill died, I had held him in my arms at home in the hospital bed for many hours previous to and for about 2 or 3 hours after he died. I stayed with him as Hospice nurses bathed his body. But when the coroner came to remove his body, I had to leave the room. I spotted the black bag and because I was so out of it, I did not think to order them not to use that but to use a soft warm blanket. So I left the room and sat in my office on the floor by myself sobbing while my brother and friend oversaw the ordeal. That still haunts me from time to time...that I did not stop them from using that bag and that I did not stay with his body.

We tend to have high expectations of ourselves even in the worst of circumstances. Please know you did the best you could for your husband; that you were certainly in shock as you attempted to save his life with CPR; and that you loved him through it all.

I am sorry for your painful dream. Hopefully they will be infrequent and hopefully you will be able to let go of the guilt you carry but which, though common, is certainly not merited.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[kayc]

No, I don't think he's trying to tell you that, I think it's YOUR feelings that are coming out in the dream. I'm sorry, it's hard having a dream of them and then waking up.

Try to let go of it and not attach too much meaning to it...you were good to him and he knows that.

[enna]

Dear Pumkin,

I am so sorry that you had a dream that was disturbing. I have not, but it touches my soul when I read of those who have had dreams that have bothered them. We all do not give ourselves the credit we should when it comes to the endless love we had for our spouses. Most of us do not feel that we have done enough. As I cared for my JIm during his last hours I never thought that I was doing enough. I wished him up and about like he used to be. I wanted to see the twinkle in his eyes that was always there - I cried every day watching him take his last breaths. When our hospice term would come in and check him our HOV nurse would always tell me what his situation was - Jim is not in pain, Anne, there is no urine output, eyes fixed, mouth tight - it was so painful to watch the love of my life disappear that I wished I could have done more - I held him in my arms for several hours not wanting to accept the fact that he was gone. My heart was pounding so hard that I convinced myself that he was still breathing. We all know that we did the best we could do. It was just not enough and it will never be enough in our eyes. This forum will help us through our journeys, Pumkin. Guilt is part of the grieving process. Dreams will come and go. Hopefully, good dreams will replace the disturbing ones. Peace to all of us as we grieve. Anne

[nakirk19]

Dear Pumpkin, I hope you are feeling better. I have only dreamed of Tom once so far, and thank god it was a wonderful one. I wish it would happen more often, but I must be trying too hard. I know I carry guilt about continuing to go to work part time when Tom was in the hospital. Not knowing how soon he was going to be taken from me. I do believe guilt manifests itself in our dreams sometimes. Please know that you did all you could and we all wish there was more we could have done. Take care, I send you powerful wishes for awsome dreams! Nicole

[kayc]

I want to add that I felt guilty because I was gone when George went into the hospital with his heart attack. He deliberately kept it from me because he didn't want me to miss my sister's reunion (I went to it once a year). But I felt guilty that I wasn't there for him sooner, it took me a while to get a ride to the hospital as I didn't have my car with me when I finally got the news. I probably won't ever feel any better about how things transpired, but I do know, there is nothing I wouldn't have done for him and he meant the world to me and I wish he was still here with me.

You aren't alone in your feelings but I do hope they get better for you.

[pumkin]

Dear Anne,

You are so right that dreams come and go. We all long for it to be the way it was. You still wanted to see the "twinkle" in your Jim's eyes as you held your beloved and tried to convince yourself he was still breathing. As you say, we know we did the best we could, but it's never enough in our eyes. Then the guilt sometimes comes through in our dreams. Thank you so much for responding with your caring and kind words and for sharing the journey you're going through. Peace to you my dear Anne.

Pumkin

[pumkin]

Dear Kay,

I've read in all the responses, that we all feel guilty because it's part of the grieving process. We all realize we would have done anything to have them still be here with us. You have endured so much in seven years and I admire you for all that you have gone through and survived. You give hope and strength to those of us who are in the beginning stages of our grief process . Peace to you dear Kay.

[pumkin]

Dear Nicole,

I feel so much better after I've been on this forum with so many caring people who understand how I feel. We are all in this together. Everything you have written is so inspiring and feeds our souls. I'm so glad you had a wonderful dream of your beloved, Tom. May you have many more in the future. Thank you for your powerful wishes for awesome dreams. Peace to you my dear Nicole

[HAP]

Dear Pumkin,

I think we all have been down the road of guilt--both in our conscious minds and in our subconscious. I had trouble sleeping for months after Jane died. I remember no dreams but I figure they must have been hummers because when I woke up I did not want to fall asleep again. I've had a couple of nice dreams about Jane, but they are few and far between.

It is interesting that the guilt for so many of us centers on those final hours. We all wish we had handled them differently. Part of me will always wish I had let her slip away when she went into the first coma so that she would not have had to deal with the false hopes of the next few weeks. But then we would not have had that final Thanksgiving together that was so beautiful for all that she could only have chicken broth and I had a bowl of Pumpkin Soup. Nor would some other good things have happened that have made a difference for the lives of others. I know logically that I made the best decisions I could at the time--that I did all I could have done. But grief is not always logical--and certainly the guilt that comes with it is the most illogical part of all.

I wonder if the real source of the guilt is not what we did or did not do on that final day but rather the fact we lived and they died--and we cannot figure out why we are here and they are not. Jane was a better person than I will ever be. She was smarter, more physically fit and as good or better than me in nearly every way that matters. Yet here I am and there she is and I have no idea why. There is no justice in it I can perceive--except, perhaps, for this: I am glad she is not the one who has to continue on alone. I would not wish the state we are in on anyone I hated--how then could I wish this piece of it on her that I love?

Peace,

Harry

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Harry I do so understand the regrets. I can't even think about Pete's death because it happened when I was with our daughter who gave birth the day before. My mind veers away from it. I can hardly write this. But before that I was with him every possible moment and so I know I can't really feel guilt. But it still comes. But like you I am very very willing to take on the pain of missing him because I would rather it was me that had that pain than him who had to love on without me. He always told me he couldn't bear it. He wouldn't even talk about it. So I'm glad, truly glad, that I am bearing it and not him. I'm goi g to place one of his home made Valentines on the mantelpiece when I get up. I'm thinking of all of you who have lost true soul mates today. Jan

[kayc]

I've never felt guilty for living while he died...if anything, I feel envious, yet I wouldn't want it the other way. It's intolerable for me to think of him having to go through this, I am glad he was spared that.

[feralfae]

Dear Pumkin and everyone,

Thank you.

I have had such painful and debilitating feelings of guilt. Thank you for sharing, and I am so sorry you are having dreams about that. I cannot think of what you might have done, and your guilt has no foundation, dear one. But I have learned recently that these guilt feelings are normal. And I felt so guilty, and was sure I was guilty, that I did not want to talk about it to anyone and have my guilt confirmed.

You are not guilty.

You are grieving.

I came to believe that somehow, if I had known more about cancer, if I had been more observant, paid better attention to small signs (I don't know if there were any, actually, but I felt I should have been tuned in better, somehow), and if I had fought harder for Doug in the early months, rescuing him from VA sooner, that things might have turned out another way.

I am not guilty.

I am grieving.

Thank you so very much.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

I've never felt guilty for living while he died...if anything, I feel envious, yet I wouldn't want it the other way. It's intolerable for me to think of him having to go through this, I am glad he was spared that.

Kay, I am with you on this. No guilt for living. Would not want Bill to go through this. No way.

Mary

[mfh]

Dear Pumkin and everyone,

Thank you.

I have had such painful and debilitating feelings of guilt.

fae

Guilt is almost a universal following a death. I found myself judged and charged as guilty of a dozen things especially that of not being a perfect, yes perfect, caregiver to Bill over 4+ years. It took work to get past that one...and still to this day I hold regrets that I could not have done more, been more, and more. We did the best we could at the time. My mantra.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

I did wish I'd pushed him to see another doctor but I don't really feel guilty about it...at the time I felt he was a grown man in charge of his own life and I still feel that way, he wasn't a little boy that I was responsible for, he was perfectly capable of making decisions for himself. I still wish he'd seen another doctor who would have sent him for tests but I don't feel the onus is on me for that...I DO feel it is on his doctor for not pursuing his symptoms and complaints. I could swear here!

[pumkin]

Kay,

I begged Marco to at least give me the referral to the cardiologist he was supposed to call for an appointment. He said he couldn't find where he put it. I found it under some of his papers the day he died. The cardiologist was located right down the block from where we live. But you're so right, they weren't little boys and capable of making their own decisions. Then I blame myself for sleeping late that day. If only I'd had gotten up earlier. We all deal with the "if only" portion of the grieving.

[kayc]

I know, I've often wondered WHY George had to go and die the one weekend a year I was away! I mean,l we ALWAYS spent ALL of our free time together, and wouldn't you know the second I'm gone he has a heart attack! I wish to God he would have let the doctor call me as I had my cell phone and wasn't yet out of town, I could have been with him that weekend, through all that he went through. Instead, as soon as I get back he up and dies, without even getting to have the "last conversation" I wanted to have. But none of this was foreseeable to me, and I spent my life, after making his acquaintance, loving him and being there for him, so I only hope he knew that last weekend what he meant to me...how could he not?

[LarrysGirl]

I do feel guilty for being alive, its self imposed. We were a team and I didn't save him. Why should I have opportunities to enjoy anything... thats whats eating me alive. If I even consider something that might be pleasant my mind says but he's dead, thats not fair. I know I've got it twisted in my brain but I've never been able to reconcile it. Maybe my friends here can help, because when anyone around me tries to I get angry.

[feralfae]

Dear LarrysGirl,

Yes, I get it. We were a team, too. Climbing, building, art, everything.

Until recently, I felt guilty if I smiled or felt happy. I felt that somehow I was betraying Doug by not being vigilant, on guard, and as close to him as I could be, even though he was gone. The last few months were very rough, and we were both worn down, exhausted, and both in pain.

For me, it was easy to remain in that mode of being. Even after Doug left, I was still in a lot of physical pain. All of the loss, pain, and grieving got very twisted in my brain, as you say so aptly, and left me feeling that I had absolutely no right to feel any joy or peace. I would sit up at nights, just in case. But there was no just in case. Doug was gone and safe. I would fall asleep only to wake up. Just in case.

I felt guilty that I was betraying Doug's memory if I was happy. If I enjoyed a movie, or a book, or laughed, or even enjoyed chocolate, I'd feel guilty, as though I had no right to be happy and that to honor Doug, I needed to stay sad. I am still working through this, as I slowly release my guilt at not being able to save Doug. It was almost as though I was trying to bury the joy along with the grief.

It takes a while. We each have our own time line. I didn't think I 'should' have any Valentine chocolate, for instance. Yesterday, after chocolate was recommended, I went Target, since it is across the street from my doctor's office, and I found a little box of valentine chocolates on sale. I decided it was all right to have some chocolate and to enjoy it. I ate three pieces while I remembered how Doug loved chocolate, that all his favorite desserts were chocolate,and I smiled through the tears. I could not have done that a few months ago, though, because it would have felt as though I was betraying Doug somehow.

I don't know if this helps. It is just my experience. I still feel guilty if I think about going on a trip or trek when Doug cannot go. Part of that feeling of guilt may be residue from not wanting to leave him when he was ill. I sometimes still feel it is not right to even forget Doug for a minute, or somehow not loyal to focus my attention somewhere else. I am learning to shift my focus, and not feel guilty about it. It has taken some time. When we are tuned in the way so many of us were, I think it is a slow process of shifting from one type of awareness to another.

I know others will have good insights into this. But I do understand, even if only from my own perspective. I got very angry with people telling me that Doug would want me to be happy. And I think Doug would want me to do exactly what I wanted to do and feel what I needed to feel.

Comfort, {{{hugs}}}, and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[LarrysGirl]

Fae, your posting made me cry, you voiced my feelings. I always tell him goodnight and I know I forgot last night, I've already felt horrible about that. Its no wonder I feel so physically sick and exhausted, its been 7 years for me, not allowing anything that remotely resembles joy. I will hug my dog because Larry would want that for me and Maggie. When people say to me all these years "wouldn't Larry want you to be happy?" I struggle with answering that. My mind thinks, maybe he's missing me as much as I miss him, maybe he's sad too that our dreams were taken away... I don't know anymore. Then others have said he's not in any pain now only happy (those of faith). I just can't get it straight, so I stay shut down. I love my painting and I allow that because he was part of it and selling my items helps me survive financially. I only allow that which keeps a roof over my head. I'm stopping now, I sound like I've lost it, though I know you and others understand. Writing this today is making me feel I have not managed my grief very well at all. Deborah

[kayc]

Deborah,

I know Marty posted some links about guilt on the pet section, but I am at a loss to help you, I wish I could. I don't feel guilt over George's being dead...I didn't cause it, all I ever did was love him and show him I did. I KNOW he would want me to be happy...however, achieving that proves to be way more of a challenge than one can imagine, esp. with all of the things that have taken place since he died. Just SURVIVING is a challenge! I will always miss him and nothing will be even remotely the same without him. I can't wait to be with him again and I fear the "in between" time I have to do. But I try, I keep trying, I don't know what else to do.

[feralfae]

I'm stopping now, I sound like I've lost it, though I know you and others understand. Writing this today is making me feel I have not managed my grief very well at all. Deborah

Dear Deborah,

You sound just fine to me. Just grieving. I hope you can wail, sob, whine, and shed lots of healing tears.

I don't know if we get to manage grief: I think it manages us. Sometimes, I am able to step back and tell myself, "Ah, this is grief, and it is healthy and natural. You are allowed to have grief." Lately, I am also telling myself, "And you are allowed to have joy." So about the only managing I am doing right now is managing to get through each day. This bad flu bug is a blessing, because it has given me a reason to be isolated, to stay in my PJs, and to read, cry, feel what I need to feel, and honor what is going on in me. All my feelings are natural. And I don't need to act on any of them.

One of the best insights I gained from meditation was the awareness to stand away from the flow of thoughts and feelings and let them glide through my mind, just being aware of them, but not dwelling on them or taking any action. Then I learned to let myself cry and sob, whimper and wail, when I needed to do so. These weeks of being "on retreat" have been a blessing for that, and I wish I'd bought some stock in Puffs. I have been whimpering, wailing, and letting the tears fall where they may. I am feeling better emotionally for all the release, not so broken. I am putting in smiling faces, because I do feel that being in the grief rather than fighting it so I can stay "functional" is helping me to heal some of the pain.

Now, I am beginning to learn that it is also okay to enjoy life again, even if it is very lonely without Doug. The chocolates were more therapeutic than I can say. I believed once again that I was worthy of chocolates. Huge breakthrough for me.

This grief is such a process, and one we don't go through often enough for it to feel familiar, thank goodness! No wonder we need each other to find out way through this! And there are not many role models, either. I know we are each on a unique path, but the voices here, the comfort here, the recognition here are truly helpful. I have been helped more than I can say by reading what others have shared here over the years. I go back and read posts from past years, and I feel that someone else has been on this bit of the journey before me. Thank you for sharing yours with me.

I am learning to do at least one kind and loving thing for myself every day. I am trying to use a lot of consciousness about it. Like, when everyone was talking about chocolates, I didn't think I should have any since Doug was not here to enjoy it with me. It didn't seem right to savor chocolates when he could not. But, I really don't know. He may be off on some adventure in the stars, grinning from ear to ear, enjoying an entire chocolate torte with raspberry sauce and hoping I am having as much fun as he is. Yesterday, when I was savoring a chocolate, I felt he would be glad to know I was having some fun. He loved that I was so happy and energetic most of the time.

I am going to work on being how he loved me. That is a new thought, and now I am crying. I can take as long as I need, but I know he loved my smile and laughter. He would tell me jokes just to hear me laugh.

I think it will be all right for us to be happy again as much as we can. Now I need to go find the Puffs.

And this is really long. I hope some of it comforts you.

*<blessings and twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

As you mentioned, Kay, the topic of guilt is one we've addressed often in these forums and on the Grief Healing blog:

Grief and the Burden of Guilt

Guilt and Regret in Grief

Guilt in the Wake of a Parent's Death

See also:

• Soul-Talk: How to Heal Your Secret Hurt by Russell Bishop
  
• Soul-Talk: How to Avoid Any More Secret Hurts by Russell Bishop
  
• The Psychology of Regret by Melanie Greenberg
  
• Guilt by Darcie Sims
  
• Releasing Guilt: Permission to Forgive Ourselves by Madisyn Taylor
  
• Caregiver Guilt by Dorothy Womack
  
• Grief, Mourning and Guilt from the Lincoln/Greater Nebraska Chapter of The Alzheimer's Association
  
• Will I Ever Get Over My Feelings of Guilt? by Amy D'Aprix
  
• Coping with Guilt by Carol Staudacher
  
• Guilty, Your Honor: The Burden of Guilt after a Suicide by Karyl Chastain Beal
  
• Kathryn Schultz On Regret ~ TED Talk
  
• 5 Tips for Dealing with Guilt by John Grohol, PsyD
  
• Managing Guilt by Vicki Ratner, MD
  
• Coping with Guilt During Bereavement with Dr. Bob Baugher (Featured Webinar from The Compassionate Friends)
  
• What a Shame (The Shame of Grief in Hospice) from Holy Redeemer Hospice
  
• Shame v. Guilt by Brene Brown
  
• The Circle of Life: Caring for a Parent on Hospice by Lorraine Thayer
  
• Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda: Dealing with Grief and Guilt after a Loved One Passes by Tory Zellick
  
• Anger & Forgiveness: Guided Imagery CD with Belleruth Naparstek
  

[feralfae]

Oh, Marty, thank you.

I go now to read and I hope gain more understanding.

*<twinkles>*

fae