Some Things Just Don't Make Sense

[MartyT]

Oh Anne. I've just now discovered your disappointing news. I am so sorry. Not fair. Not fair at all. Please know that you are being carried softly and gently in so many hearts who care so deeply for you ♥

[kayc]

Oh Anne, I'm so sorry! Can they do dialysis to help your kidney function? And, like Mary asked, can they increase your dosages to help your heart? So you go back in one week, please do let us know what they say next time.

I understand your feelings, and you're right, it ISN'T fair! You have enough to deal with. Please keep hugging Benji and doing your meditations, it all helps. We hold you up in prayer to the one who knows it all, the one best equipped to do anything about your situation. We care for you so much!

[enna]

Thank you for your response, Mary. Yes, I am learning that there is no answer to the question “WHY?” You know that I will take this setback and try to turn it into a positive. Fear and disappointment have a way of motivating us to do something crazy like eat too many chocolates or have more than one scoop of chocolate ice cream or plant six rose bushes instead of three!

The cardiac team made no change in anything for me. I just have to come back in eight days for evaluation and blood work. There are things I have to watch for and I always have to call if anything different changes.

I feel your hugssssss.

I think as humans we always take any bad news harder than it really is, Jan. I should not have been so high and mighty going in thinking I’ve been a good girl so I deserve a reward! Our EGO always seems to get in our way, doesn’t it! I know there is a lesson in this somewhere for me. Thank you for your love.

Thank you for reminding me that it is far better to go through life’s disappointments with a positive attitude, Fae. Many of us know chronic pain in our lives. It is a matter of learning how to accept it and live with it that will make us strong.

Your prayers are so appreciated and it gives me courage to hear about your health and how far you have come.

My strength will come from knowing that I am ‘being carried softly and gently in so many hearts who care so deeply for you.’ Thank you, Marty for this lovely expression of love. I am always overwhelmed by the tenderness expressed by everyone on this forum.

I’ll quote Ralph Waldo Emerson who said, “Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience.” This should take me a lifetime to accomplish.

I just read your post, Kay. I so appreciate your prayers and love. That means the world to me. You are one of my role models in how to go through your life with grace.

Anne

[kayc]

Well now you are mine (role model), Anne. I think it'd hit me pretty hard, not trying to be a downer, just realistic. I take things hard at the onset, it takes me a while to work up to courage.

Do you have one of those medic alerts? Does your daughter or a neighbor check in with you every day?

The picture is so cute! I've seen my cats do that, of course Arlie is too big for any planters I've seen.

[mfh]

Anne, dear Anne,

I do not think it is ego that got in your way. You had hope that you would get good results because you were doing everything right. That is not ego. It is hope. IMHO.

I am home from the art workshop and VERY tired...very tired. My back really hurts at these classes as we are bending over tables since the spaces we use for classes are not really great for art. At home I have a set up that works for me and I do not paint for 6 hours at a time either. Tomorrow I won't stay the entire day, I am certain of that.

Thinking of you and did today as I know you were faced with the news of your test results all over again when you woke up. And yes, I know you will find the positive in this as you also deal with the fear and pain which also deserves your attention. Prayers to AZ...

Mary

[enna]

Thank you for letting us know how your day went. I thought the whole day may be too much for you. How was Bentley? I am glad that you were out of the house for awhile. Your voice was starting to sound like Johnny Cash. Have a good day tomorrow. Hope the weather is good.

I shall try to honor the pain and fear that took hold of me. You know I am a slow learner and need to be told more than once. Remember, I'm the one who couldn't find a way out of the hole I was in for a very long time... love you, Anne

[mfh]

Dear Anne, Yes, I do think the paint and dust in here affected my throat...and it did feel good to get out and the sun was shining on the river all day...The instructor had planned a class using the new leaves on the trees and had to change the lesson since there is NOT one leaf on any tree anywhere, no crocuses or tulips though some hyacinths emerged in my front yard...tiny as they are.

Love

Mary

[Cakes01]

Oh Anne i am at a loss for words. It took me a bir, but found where you are posting updates. I am so sorry and scared and angry for you. I know you much rather be focused on your beloved Jim. I am so deeply sorry you have to go threw this. Life can be so unfair! Please keep letting us know what's going on and you can always pm me anytime. Between my phone and tablet i'm always checking in. Also i have nothing planned till Saturday so i'll be on my tablet.

Big gentle hugs to you!

[LindaKate]

Oh Anne

I know those tears, feelings of deep despair and the profound sorrow that comes in overwhelming waves at least expected moments. Sending you a hug from a fellow griever. Our 35th wedding anniversary will be this saturday April 27th. My sweet beloved husband passed on from pancreatic cancer in January this year. I posted in January soon after he passed and treasured all the supportive posts I received and then within a week I could no longer go to this group without weeping uncontrollably. Now I can at least sign in and attempt a post. I have had multiple triggers everyday for the past 2 weeks and finally realized it was the approaching anniversary. I'm also looking for posts on how you all survived the first anniversary. I'm still so grief stricken from January. Bless all of you here on the forum. Lindakate

[mfh]

LindaKate, I remember you from January. I was amazed that you could even post back then and totally understand the tears and triggers. I still deal with triggers after 3 years but it gets easier...truly.

I went to Marty's website (www.griefhealing.com) and searched the blog for anniveraries and grief. Here is what I found:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/search/label/anniversary#uds-search-results

This site is loaded with information and help for you. I mean loaded.

I hope to see you here again. Of course, you are grief stricken. Sadly that will last a while but in time, it eases. You are just plain raw right now. Keep in touch. We are here for you embracing you in your grief.

Peace

mary

[kayc]

Mary, how sweet of you to find that for her! I remember you too, LindaKate and am glad you are back again, we always wonder about people that disappear for a while. Triggers are hard to deal with but they do get lesser with time. I guess we get used to even the unthinkable. You will certainly be in my thoughts Saturday.

[enna]

Hello dear Lindakate, and thank you so much for the hug. We all need those hugs from time to time. I am so sorry for your loss. 35 years is a good long time. I can tell you how I felt on December 17th when Jim and I would have been married forty years. My beloved died on May 25th in 2012. I shall just be coming up on my first year of his passing. It was such a painful time for me to go through the Thanksgiving and Christmas times. I had many firsts during those two months. The anticipations of those days ended up being harder that the actual days themselves.

One thing I have learned being on this forum is that tears are good and there are many of them. I am not ashamed to cry. The people here are so compassionate and there is something so cleansing about letting the tears flow.

You are so new in your grief. It will take time. You need to take care of yourself and that means rest, eat, exercise, and play. All these things will give you the strength you need to do the work of grieving.

I must go back and look for your first posts. What is your husband’s name? How long did he have pancreatic cancer? I am just so glad that you are here. We are all here for one another.

I agree with Mary. The link she posted from Marty's site helped me through many trying times. Anne

[kayc]

I found the post I made the day after my first anniversary without George:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?/topic/720-thinking-of-you-today-kayc/

And here's another just before our anniversary:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?/topic/708-his-legacy-goes-on/

And right before that was my first birthday without...I remember crying myself to sleep:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?/topic/705-firsts-are-hard/

[LindaKate]

Thank you Mary, Anne and KayC for your kind and helpful posts. I hope its OK I printed them and have read over. I feel like I'm wrapping myself around your encouraging comfort. Words about your beloved resonate deeply when I weep so strong that I have no words at all. I feel a comfort now that I had not before. That I am not alone in these terrible sad feelings and fat wet teardrops. In this forum there are so many couragous survivors like you. Thank you for remembering me. My apologies I'm still trying to learn how to navigate the forum correctly and when I couldn't reply directly to your posts sent you each messages. Lindakate

[kayc]

Lindakate,

No need to apologize, you can IM anytime! I shared those links with you because I wanted you to know what it felt like for me in the early months, it's something we all go through but I also want you to know it gets more bearable with time.

[Cakes01]

Anne,

Did you keep the mug that broke?

[enna]

No, Kristen, I did not keep all of it, but I do have a few pieces that I'll use when I create a mosaic dish for display after I finish two other projects I'm working on - the tie mural and the quilt I'm making from some of Jim's 'wear often clothes'. I'm hoping I'll not break too many things to start working on the mosaic dish!! I guess I'll only have to have a few special pieces and finish with other materials at the craft center.

Is your weather nice enough to go for a walk? Please take care of yourself. That is one thing that we all learn as we move through our grief journeys. Anne

[kayc]

Anne, I think it's a great idea to turn the mug into a mosaic! I wouldn't have thought of that!

I lost one of my favorite wedding pictures of George and I, it's one where I was laying my head on his chest. It was in a bisque picture frame at work and the frame broke and I put the picture somewhere, that was five years ago when we were moving offices...I never found it and I've hunted high and low. I don't have a copy of it and my sister can't find the negative. It still bothers me to not have it.

[Cakes01]

Awe that's such a nice idea! Could you post pictures of some of your work when you're done? I'd love to see the dish. I want to make a wind chime with some of Marcus's things, but don't have too many items as of yet. Also not sure how to make a wind chime. Guess i can google it.

The weather here is very nice. I went to see my lawyer today which put my mind a bit at ease. I used to love to go for walks. Marcus did too. We went hiking a few times. I haven't gone for a walk yet on my own. I went to get a few items at a small store yesterday, but started crying while i was in there. Found myself filling my basket with things Marcus would like i am showering regularly now-i know gross, but i also know i don't have to explain to anyone here how those everyday things can seem impossible at times. At least i'm doing that.

How are you doing? How are you feeling? How's Benji doing?

[kayc]

Anne,

How's the quilt coming along? What kind are you making? Years ago we used to make "crazy quilts", very simple, squares from old items we had around the house, then "tied" them with a backing and batting, and put a trim around the edge. We made them for Lutheran missions, I did it with a neighbor that was Lutheran. Anyway, I kept one, but I think it's long gone now. I've made a few quilts over the years, but nothing fancy, I've never been taught officially but everybody always liked it if I made one, haven't done that in years, not sure I have the patience any more. I wish I'd done something like that with George's clothes though, it would have been nice to wrap myself in it.

Kristen,

Yeah, we know. I bawled like a stuck hog the first time I laundered our bedding...it took me a full month to work up the nerve, it was so hard.

[mfh]

Kay, I think Anne is taking a day of silence and is off the internet for 24 hours. I was going to do it also today but I thought I my blinds were to be installed. They just called and can't come as they had 3 calves born last night (twins and a single) and they have to monitor the mom of the twins to make sure she feeds both of them. In their wisdom, a cow may feed only one if she thinks that is all the milk she has. These folks live in town but farm outside of town on a friend's unused land. They have to get hay in also as rain is predicted. So I just finished tearing the art studio apart in preparation for the installation of blinds and they called.

As for quilts, I admire people who sew. In the convent I was responsible for making habits and I have not touched a machine since even though it sits there. I do have Bill's clothes and might make a quilt out of a few of his shirts someday...not sure. I surely understand how you wish you had saved some of George's shirts to do that especially since you are a quilter. I am sorry you did not. I would imagine wrapping yourself in his clothes would feel healing and comforting. Do you have any of his clothes? Like a shirt you can put on?

I was going to work on getting PERFECT order in my art studio but now have to wait for blinds. I have kids coming to clean up the yards in the next week or so. They are raising money to take a trip to Africa to build a school down there so what I pay them goes to a good cause. I have decided to do just the minimal in my back yard THIS year as far as planting is concerned. I am tired. So instead of creating new flower beds, I will clean up the few that exist, rip out hosta that someone planted in direct sun, and get some mulch and perennials in those existing beds...and some grass seed down where it is needed on the existing grass. That and the front yard which needs some attention. I think I am getting smarter. i.e. learning that I am not superwoman...again. Creating the mess I now have was a HUGE lesson. Today I hope to put my new trellis together for my clematis which is peeking through. It is to rain most of the week but in the 70s so that is hopeful.

Mary

[kayc]

I saved some of George's clothes, usually it's his bathrobe when I feel the need to wrap myself in him, but I also have a shirt/jacket of his...we had them matching in different colors/sizes, but sometimes I like to wear his even though it's too big.

I realize Ann was off line yesterday, but figured she'd read when she got back.

I haven't done any quilting for years, don't really have the time, but I do wish I'd thought of it before getting rid of everything. Oh well, at least they went for a good cause and I know he would have been delighted with that.

You sure are ambitious! I'm wishing I'd gotten to some yard work this weekend, I was so busy in the house I never did get around to it, now it's back to rain.

[mfh]

When I do get ready to deal with Bill's clothes, I do not know if I could cut up any of them when people needs clothes...I will cross that bridge...when I come to it.

I do not feel ambitious. I put the trellis together and installed it but the old Mary would have done a LOT more.

Mary

[kayc]

I feel the same way, Mary, I'm glad I donated to Sponsor's (inmates reentering society, they have nothing). It would have been nice to save a few old workshirts or something for a quilt, but most of his clothes were not worn out excepting a couple of shirts that had outlived their usefulness (isn't it funny how men don't want to retire a favorite shirt?).

[mfh]

I feel the same way, Mary, I'm glad I donated to Sponsor's (inmates reentering society, they have nothing). It would have been nice to save a few old workshirts or something for a quilt, but most of his clothes were not worn out excepting a couple of shirts that had outlived their usefulness (isn't it funny how men don't want to retire a favorite shirt?).

Yes, Kay. I open Bill's closet and see about a dozen blue shirts...the man liked blue shirts and so everyone got him blue shirts for birthdays etc. i liked him in blue because his eyes were as one of my girlfriends told him, "Your eyes are like deep pools. I could swim in your eyes." Not sure what I will do with his clothes...lovely suits (not many as he was a wedding, funeral, and special occasion suit guy after wearing suits to work for too many years...in Madison no one wears suits (major exaggeration but very casual town), shirts, khakis galore.... but he did not wear suits unless essential.