What Have You Done For Yourself This Week, This Month, This...........

[KATPILOT]

Wow! How nice it is to hear all of you that are doing something. You are so right Nats, she is happy you are doing that. Anne,I was reminded about my dad who passed on last year. He was also a bomber pilot in WWII, and as a small child I remember how he taught me to fly his plane. The first landing I made was when I was ten. My mom in the backseat had a fit but he was gonna let me do it.

I think we bounced four times. I owe so much to him. . and Mary it is so nice to see you getting into water color. It has to be just about the toughest medium to work in. I graduated with an art degree myself but always had trouble with that one. As Kathy and I started spending summers in Calgary, I bought water colors, paper and the brushes and intended to conquer it. We just never had the chance. One day I will try again.

Stephen

[mfh]

Yes, Stephen, watercolor is the toughest of the paint mediums. I started with open acrylics and like them but then a week long watercolor class stole my heart. I hope to become increasingly more comfortable and better with them. I will use the acrylics also but I am working exclusively with watercolors right now and it is a challenge. One day, when you try them again, you might surprise yourself and enjoy. Take care, Stephen.

Mary

[Cakes01]

Kay the doggie cookies look really good. I have a recipe too i used to make them around the holidays for my doggie clients. Super easy like yours. I love making little gift bags for humans and furry ones.

Well....i used to anyway.

[kayc]

You will again.

[Queeniemary]

Stephen, you have started a very good topic. I have felt, and still feel, that I am ready to die, not wanting to exactly, just it is ok if it happens. I know I will be with Mike, and my son Kevin, and others that have passed before me. Cannot say that around my children however, they get real upset with me, they think it means I want to die. I am however, trying to make myself healthier. I quit smoking over a year ago (Mike and I had quit for over 20 years, but I took it back up after he died). I gained some weight due to anti-depressants, and quiting smoking, and am starting to make headway on getting rid of the extra pounds. I have started the New Atkins for a new you. My doctor recommends it, and it emphasizes more vegys as carbs. Really just a good basic diet, best part is that you do not get hungry....of course no bread, potatoes, rice, starchy vegs.....and sadly, on induction, no wine. However I have lost 6 pounds in a week and 2 days, so I am pretty happy with it. Want to lose another 20. Go to Silver Sneakers exercise class 2 times a week. Next we they will be adding back the Tai Chi classes, which I love. Am I doing all this to live longer.........really no. But if I am going to live longer (my Dad's family all lived into their late 90s), then I want to feel good, and be healthy, I don't want to just exist, I want to be able to live.

The thing I do for myself is community theatre, and it so happens that it was something that Mike and I did together, and about 90% of our friends come from that venue. I have great friends, and family. I love doing theatre, we recently did "Steel Magnolias", and I got to do my favorite part again, Quiser. She is a great part! I will be directing a play in September, so I am getting prepared for that.

Also very involved right now in the planning of our 50th high school class reunion at the end of this month. I am putting together the reunion booklet, with all the bios that I can get people to send, and name tags with high school annual pictures on them. Looking forward to the reunion. Mike was there for the last one, so this will be a little bitter sweet. He went to school in Louisanna, but lots of people in my class knew him, mainly due to the community theatre work that we did.

The other thing I do for myself is read..........I have always loved to read, I allow myself to get all my favorite author's newests books, and keep up with them. Used to wait until they went to paperback, or just borrow at Library, now I treat myself!! Always have a book going.

Not sure where I am going with all this, I guess just trying to say that I think I am doing things for myself, and for the most part I seem to be enjoying things. Do I still have those attacks of grief....of course I do, and usually very unexpectedly. Sometimes I have to just sit and cry for him, and how much I miss him, and how much I hate it that he is missing all that is going on with the kids and grandkids. I feel certain he knows what is going on, but we are not able to enjoy things together.

A friend and I cleaned up my back porch recently, from several years layers of dirt and accumulation. Attaching a picture of me having coffee on my clean and neat porch!

Grateful for this site, never dreamed that it would still be so important to me after all this time.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

... I have felt, and still feel, that I am ready to die, not wanting to exactly, just it is ok if it happens. I know I will be with Mike, and my son Kevin, and others that have passed before me. Cannot say that around my children however, they get real upset with me, they think it means I want to die. ...

Grateful for this site, never dreamed that it would still be so important to me after all this time.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

Mary, I agree...I am ready to die...not sure where I am on the "desire to die" list but I am here for a reason but dying is ok with me...seeing Bill, my close girlfriends (5), my dog, parents. BUT right now leaving Bentley is NOT a desire. He is my reason to be right now. I would not want him to grieve me also. I do plan to create meaning in my life if I ever stop (yes, just stop) and get energy.

I paint for me, I am fixing up the house for me, I will fix up the flower gardens a bit for me (just a bit). The hydrangea (a lot were here) are about a foot high now; fern is two feet, hosta and clematis are coming up, I have some mulching to do and a bit more but not much. I am done with projects for now. I want to read and paint.

[feralfae]

Oh, Mary and Anne,

Yes, I know how you feel: I am not planning on leaving, I have some curiosity about the future, but if it is my hour to leave, that is all right as well. I could go in peace. I plan to keep living, and I want to keep living, but I could go in peace. Every day now is a good day to leave. Or stay. These decisions seem to be out of my control, anyway, as I float on this river of Life and Love. We are feathers on the breath of G*d. I will never not love that statement.

Dear Mary, It is so wonderful that you are going to live from your heart, and read and paint. I think it is a significant shift when we can begin to live for ourselves again, where before we spent so long living for someone else, really. Yes, Bentley needs you. But you need yourself even more. I hope your reading and painting bring you joy and peace.

I know that will ease your way through these next few months. When I become anxious, I find that a book, a brush, or just walking in the forest are my best therapies to escape that anxiety/worry/fear spirals.

Have entirely too much fun! As Doug would have told you, were he typing.

Although only silly stuff, the dragonflies have lifted my spirits while I was pondering how to make each one unique, and even have some fairy tales to go with them. The last one I paint will be a dragonfly-winged little feral fae.

And my new little camera is working. I am doing some good things for myself, and very happy that others are as well.

Good for us!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Mary, your patio looks great!! I'm wanting to get out there tomorrow and clean off my tablecloth from the winter's grime, and plant flowers before it gets too warm to move. I have so much to do and this heat makes it hard.

Today I had lunch with my friend. She's going to Portland for seven weeks for treatment for her heart and I'm going to miss her so much. She's hoping to come home for weekends so maybe it won't be too bad. Anyway, that's what I did for me today!

[dickd]

Things I am doing for myself to feel better about myself as I grieve for Judy: I am taking care of myself by eating healthy, daily 3 mile walks, daily swiming & exercising in our pool. I am going to go back to regular attendance @ AA mtgs. I have began taking out of town trips with a close friend. Judy wanted me to live life to the fullest, and to do that I need to stay healthy. I need to live on for Judy.

[mfh]

Good for you...self care. And returning to AA meetings will also please her. Carry on...in her honor. Peace, Mary

[dickd]

Thank you Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Dickd,

Your note is a wonderful testimony to the power of love. Here you are, going on, and living our life to the fullest, taking good care of yourself, and doing things to stay active and happy.

As I pack to drive the AlCan north to our other home in Alaska, I will remember your example, as I, too, begin to sort things out in this life to go on, live life to the fullest, and to take care of myself so that Doug will know I am doing well.

Thank you and good for you!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Dick, it is so good to hear! Many people struggle with the self care part.

[KATPILOT]

I just got back recently from a trip I took to Norfolk, Va. I went to my oldest grandaughters kindergarten graduation. My son had bought an airplane in San Diego and was taking it back to Norfolk so he picked me up and I rode with him. That was a special part of my trip. I remember when I flew him since he was a small boy and I remembered when I was only 8 and got to ride with my dad.

When my grandmother died I was thirty and I flew my dad to Iowa for the funeral. I remember him sittting next to me and I think he had to have felt what I felt riding with my son. It had come full circle. It was a wonderfull two day trip that I will always treasure and seeing my grandaughters brought joy to my heart. Sometimes you just have to do something for yourself. I hope we all are taking time to do something for ourselves. It can help you forget even if just for a short while.

[ShanN]

I only read a little of this thread.

We all have a purpose. Certainly losing my Leo 6dys ago has cruely changed my purpose. But I don't want any of you here to be on "the want to die list". There is strength in numbers. And our numbers, the strength here is immense. I don't know what I'm trying to say because saying or thinking anything right now is so hard... But I hope I make a little sense.

[feralfae]

Dear Shannon,

I think I hear in your words above a call for us all to remember the blessings of life, even if we feel ready to leave when we are called.

You, dear heart, are a shining light of how to love life through so much pain and loss. I think of you every day now as you begin this new grief journey without your dear Leo. I know that every day must be almost too much to bear, and I am so very glad that you are here with us.

Yes, there is great emotional strength and solace in numbers. I loved what Mary said to me once, when I needed some "turtle time" and felt bad not to be here for others: others of our tribe steps in to give comfort and solace at times when some of us are away, just as Mary is away at the conference right now.

Shannon, you are walking through the days of the darkest shadows of loss. I am so glad to see you here, reaching out to others, opening your heart to us, letting us hold you and love you and help you to make it through this time.

We will be here for you each day, and although the tribe members who are here sometimes shifts, you always carry all our love and prayers with you. I know you can feel the loving thoughts all around you from us.

I am holding you in my heart and I am sending lots of love to you this morning from here in Alaska.

Blessings and peace to you, dear Shannon.

{{{hugs}}}

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Shannon,

You are so right. Being ready to die and wanting to die out of despondence are two different things. I think it's common, in early grief, to not want to live at times, but that time should pass, if not, a person should seek professional help to sort through their feelings and get help rebuilding.

[KATPILOT]

When I left my support group a year ago, I was invited then to return someday if just because I could make people laugh with a little humor among the sorrow. Yesterday I did go with the full intention of helping those who were in that first state of grieving and maybe I could let them see how someone who was more than two years into it was surviving. (not a survivor, but surviving.) When I first went, I just wanted to be dead .

It turned out to be something that helped me maybe more and I didn't expect that. I felt the pain they were going through and I got a bit teary a few times just remembering how that felt. It put things into perspective for me. We are all on a different part of our journey. This journey through grief that never ends but changes. I thought about my counselor who was leading the group. I remember when I met her, she was eight years out from loosing her husband. She became one of my many heroes on the path of grieving. She is now ten years and still standing. I can do that too.

Perhaps when I get stronger, I will find some ways to give back.

[mfh]

I think everyone who participates here is giving back even when they do not think they are. Each of our stories, struggles, joys and sadness help others in the circle to learn and grow. I admire your desire to give back...and your presence in that group WAS giving back also.

Peace

Mary

[KATPILOT]

Just the fact that I even wanted to give help to anyone tells me I am not where I started. I've taken so many baby steps in the last two years I guess I finally reached the next room. This is the part where I have to be very careful not to start suggesting action or direction. I will always remember "should". And you are right Mary. Every story we read helps some if only in a small way. There have been many times your posts have given comfort to me. Reading many threads here has helped me back to sleep some nights. Funny club we find ourselves in. I chose to go through this experience when it first was shoved in my face. Perhaps because I was no stranger to therapy and learned long ago that you use the tools available to you. But I never thought the path would be so long and maybe never ending. I miss her like it was yesterday.

I think many of us feel that way. How we deal with it.........that's the trick.

[Cakes01]

I think that's awesome that you were able to go back and listen and want to help others. I'm sure it felt great

[KATPILOT]

Some people we worry about even with no words spoken.

I am going to watch the fire works tonight with my grandchildren. At leat we are in a cold snap (only 102 today).

That I am doing for myself...........I will like that.

Stephen

[enna]

Today is full yet toned down from other 4th of July days for me. It usually was a very big day. Jim loved this day. Menu for today with a few friends later: beef tenderloin kabobs on the grill (green pepper, onion, mushrooms & rosemary sprigs as a spice), grilled corn-on-the-cob, watermelon the adult style soaked in tequila (it's 106 degrees right now), apple pie the Betty Crocker way (the flakey crust that crumbles when you touch it), and my one beer for the year - I don't like beer but it tastes good when it is HOT! No fireworks - I don't want to leave Benji by himself tonight. The Yankee Doodle Dandy movie with James Cagney later - if I can find it (a yearly favorite - I know I'll cry just missing Jim), and hopefully a good night's sleep. Happy 4th of July to all of you. It is strange not seeing Jim's eyes light up anymore. Just one more thing we have to miss on this grief journey! Will it ever be easier? The word celebration has taken on a different meaning for me. Perhaps later after many more years have passed I will appreciate it again. Thirteen months is not a very long time!! Actually, it's rather painful to have to live day to day without the love of your life. I know I'm not the only one and that is why I come to our 'fire.' Anne

[KATPILOT]

Anne I hope you made it through the night and Benji was okay too. I know the fireworks used to scare Mindy and we always feared leaving her. It's bothersome to almost any dog.

Certain days do get to us don't they? I was okay on this one cause Kathy was Canadian and the fourth never got to be a big thing for her. Canadian Thanksgiving though.....I will always have a hard time with that one.

Today I am off to Payson to take my Step mom out to eat at her favorite restaurant. That will be a fun time. At ninety four, she still eats more than I can and she is such a cutie.

Sorry your day was so sad, but glad you come here.

Stephen

[mfh]

Stephen, I have to say that if a cold snap is 102. What is a heat wave? I do know that 102 here in humid Wisconsin would put us all away...I have lived through many of those days...but to consider 102 anywhere as a cold snap...well...I am speechless