I Miss The Me

[Queeniemary]

We all miss our spouses, partners or significant others. I miss Mike so much that sometimes I can hardly breathe. I miss our conversations, the sharing of space in our living room, me reading, him watching the history channel with a dog or two beside him and a cat or two in his lap. I miss the long trips that we took across the country, and the long talks we had on those trips, the dreams we shared then. I miss the silly games of Skip-bo we played when the weather was bad especially and we did not want to risk getting our car out. I miss the movies we liked to watch together, and the plays we liked to perform together. I miss the food we liked to cook together. I miss so much, we all do. But I also miss the me I used to be. I will never be that person again.

I saw all the valentine greetings on FB today, many between husband and wife, and felt mean spirited. Not that Mike and I would have put it on FB, but we would have said it to each other, and now he is not here to say it. I can never be as lighthearted as I once was. I cannot help but feel some sort of jealousy toward others who have been able to move forward, and have perhaps found love again. I don't think I could ever do that, because I might have to go through this terrible pain again. I so miss the me I used to be. She died right along with Mike. I am someone else, at least to me. To my friends, those who do not understand, they think I am the old Mary, but she is gone. You all know what I mean.

It has been four years plus, and I feel that I look older than the passage of four years time should account for. Grief does that to you. Taking a good look in the mirror, I see many lines, and jaw line not very firm, and realize finally I am no longer young. Grief ages you. I probably don't look much different to others, but to me, the person looking back at me out of the mirror...I am not sure who she is.

Not posting this to be negative, but just something that came to me today. I am not particularly depressed or anything, but realizing the me I used to be is gone, and I am sad. Where else can I share this and be understood.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Yes, QMary, we do all know exactly what you mean. And I do understand the aging piece of this...hair is grayer, energy lower, expression in our eyes has changed...etc. And I saw all the Facebook love letters also. It is indeed a day that reminds us of what we have lost including, as you say, that old you. I am reaching out to you today and sending you a large long warm hug on this day of missing our spouses/partners. I do not see you as being negative. I see you as being real, honest, open.

Love to you today and to all of us who miss our beloveds,

Mary

[boogieman]

Well spoken QMary. We talked in group last night of the notable differences in ourselves since our loved ones passing.

If I may add, three entities passed with our loved one. That person, the one person we had become, and ourselves.

Like you, I have no desire to even try to replace My Paula.

Not many of us could be so fortunate to find another love.

My daughter commented the other day how she could see the visible changes in me.

That came as no surprise to me, whoever I may be now.

.

[kayc]

You are right, and it's hard to be on FB today...actually it started yesterday with them glibly posting pictures of their flowers from their husbands. It's hard.

[enna]

“Where else can I share this and be understood.”

We share here, dear Queeniemary, because this is the place where we are really understood. I learned very early on when I came here that ALL feelings are accepted here. Yes, the “me I used to be” is gone and we are indeed different.

I so agree with you that grief really does age us. Our physical appearances may be different but we are still the loving, caring, supportive people we were before our losses and just maybe, we are even more turned in to empathy toward others.

I chose not to go on FB today because I knew that friends who still have their spouses or significant others would be passing love notes back and forth. That is ok. For me it would be too sad and I don’t think that is selfish!

This is one time that I wish our journeys did not have to be so darn hard. Missing our loved ones cannot be explained to others. Each one of us miss something different but the one thing we all have in common is that because we loved and put ourselves out there we found ourselves vulnerable. We all have heard that that is the price we pay for loving. Yes, it is a very heavy price. We understand when we have lost someone who was/is such a part of us.

My lunch turned out nice. Some had to return home since they were going out tonight but three of us watched "Chocolat" with Johnny Depp and Juliette Binoche which turned out to be absolutely delicious for me. I have had two too many pieces of chocolate today.

[Wifflesnook]

QMary, I feel that too. The Jan that my Pete loved is gone with him. I'm not even sure who I am, now. The full moon appeared last night, to my amazement, as the weather here has been foul and clouds full of rain are the norm. I went outside, looked up, and kissed my hand to try to replicate Pete's kiss ( we always went out to greet the moon and then kissed). I like to think he engineers these encounters. Heck he must be powerful! Valentine's Day is hard. It was helped for me by the arrival of two lovely home made cards from my little granddaughters. I am blessed I know, but my heart yearns for my beloved Pete. I still can't delve too deep in the missing ness of it. I would never have another relationship. As time passes I think my love grows.

It's four am here and the wind, yet again, is so strong, if Pete were here we would turn to each other and feel even safer together. I think he isn't far away. Jan

[HAP]

Mary, I know this feeling so well. You have said it more eloquently than I could. It feels awful.

I kept busy today with this and that and made my trip to the cemetery. Today seems worse to me than the previous three. I can't figure out why.

Peace,

Harry

[KarenK]

How right you are, HRH! I used to be much more outgoing. I seem to have become somewhat reserved, although I try to always be friendly to others, including strangers. I suppose even if I had friends to surround me, my side of the conversation would be less than interesting, as I am trapped in this tunnel where death is my main focus. Morbid, I know, but I can't seem to focus on positive things. I just know death is waiting in the wings for my girl.

She & I were again talking this evening about how much each of our lives has changed over the past few years. She & her hubby had a lot of friends(who weren't really friends at all). They went line dancing a lot & although they weren't young kids, they were newlyweds making a good life for themselves, their beautiful new home & around 9 horses, both having good jobs. Then WHAM!! Along came Cancer. In my case, Ron & I were rarely home, ate out most times, & traveled to a lot of interesting places. Now I just sit here, growing moldy. I know that I'm the only one that can change this situation, but just don't seem to want to go anywhere.

I didn't go to the cemetery. I feel so ashamed because there is no marker yet. The little plastic nameplate just makes me sadder. It feels like Ron is dishonored. I had to run to the grocery store for a few things. It was hard to ignore the fact that it was Valentine's Day as you were tripping over heart cakes on every aisle. I was fairly successful until I neared the front of the store where guys were rushing madly around buying roses, cards, etc. Then, of course the "blue" thought crept in that I would most likely never receive flowers or cards ever again. When I got home though, my daughter had sent me an online card. She is always so thoughtful. Even though she has never lost a spouse to death, I think she "gets it". Perhaps because she is facing her own mortality.

Because I don't have a FB account, I probably miss out on a lot, but as most of you, today I would not have minded. I had thought of looking at old cards from Ron, but decided against it. Right now, it's akin to cleaning out the closet.

There have to be better days ahead!

Luv,

Karen

[mfh]

Dear Karen, I hear your pain, truly I do and am just reaching out to you. Life has handed you a tough hand with the loss of Ron and your daughter's illness. One of those is enough to wear a person down but you are dealing with two huge crises an my heart goes out to you. I would think part of why you just don't want to go anywhere is exhaustion. Grief is exhausting and worry about your daughter is exhausting.

You said, "There have to be better days ahead!" and I truly believe there will be but besides grieving Ron's death, the situation with your daughter is unresolved and so very worrisome. I wonder if there are some small things you can do for yourself to relieve yourself of some of the stress of all of this. By that I mean a long hot bath, a cup of coffee with a friend even at your own home, chocolate, or could you get lost in a book you can't put down. Reading was my salvation after Bill died...mostly reading on grief and spousal loss as I ate up information since I had never felt that kind of pain before.

Bottom line: I am thinking of you and aware of the pain that is in your life and I hope today bring you some quiet peaceful moments.

Mary

[kayc]

Karen,

How very thoughtful of your daughter! Even though it only takes a minute to send an eCard, my kids don't do even that for me. I sent my kids a text wishing them a HVD, and my son said "you too" and my DIL said "thank you" but I didn't hear back from my daughter and SIL. That is just how it is. Some of you are surrounded by your kids, and some of you don't have kids, I guess I'm just one of the ones who put their heart and life into kids just to be forgotten. It amazes me but one of those things you can't control. I know I got chided here once for how I felt about this, so I guess I won't say any more about it, but it hurts.

Much worse is your situation with your daughter, not knowing what to expect, what will happen. I think the unknown is sometimes the hardest to carry. My heart goes out to you. Yes, our lives have truly changed. My life is not unlike yours now. Drastically different from what it was.

[MartyT]

My dear Kay, I am struck by your comment, "I got chided here once for how I felt about this." I don't recall that happening to you, and I'm sorry that I didn't see it at the time ~ but it needs to be said that, whether it is aimed at you or at anyone else, on this site, chiding a person for how he or she feels ~ about anything ~ is simply not okay. This is one place where we must feel free to express whatever we are feeling, and we will pass no judgments on anyone else for how they are feeling or why they are feeling that way. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you here, and sorrier still that I didn't catch it at the time.

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I have two daughters and two grandsons who are out of touch. Part of that is my own doing, because I simply cannot be all they want me to be for them: counselor, banker, arbitrator, baby sitter or dog sitter when they want to go on vacations, and mostly, I am sad to say, the person they call to dump on when their lives are not going well. It used to hurt a lot more until they pulled some real doozies when Doug was very ill and weak, and then I told them I was taking a time out.

While I miss the company, there was no peace, solace, or sympathy there. They are both so accustomed to me catering to their every whim. Now that I have stopped, I can see that it was way past time to do this, so they can grow up and get stronger on their own, without me bailing them out from a variety of messes, which David and I did fairly routinely. And they do not even speak to poor David any more: they blame his character for his mental illness. And yet my older grandson has a lot of David's talent that is nice to see.

Kay, I am learning that my family is going to be the people who are around and who love me. I wish I had a loving family of dear hearts and warm souls around me, but I do not. I grew up being shuttled around to various relatives and parents, and I know I have my own problems forming close emotional attachments, which is why both David and Doug were such blessings for me. Now I feel that I am fairly lost since Doug left, with few people to mirror me back to me.

And I am much changed by death, disease, disappointment, and all the painful emotions that invade our hearts when we feel so cast adrift. I can totally relate to HRH Mary's comments, and to yours, Kay, and to yours, Karen. Our lives are entirely changed. This is a future for which we never planned, because how could one?

I know that for each of us, healing our hearts and finding a way to go on and begin to shape a new life as the new person we are becoming is our work right now.

Without this place, this warm and comforting fire, I would be so much more lost. It is because I know there are others who are going through the same set of trials and pain that I can hold on and believe in a future that holds joy and goodness, and I am working toward that most days. But some days, especially after the anniversary and then Valentine Day, I am just lost in grief and feeling abandoned by life.

In a few days, I will be better and go back to healing my life and heart. Right now, I guess this is a time to simply let the grief flow from me, and hope space is being created for the new me to begin to emerge.

And HRH Mary, yes, many people tell me that they did not recognize me, ask me if I have been very ill, wonder about what is going on, because as one woman said, "You look like you just got back from a war zone!" and I imagine I do right now.

We will all meet here in a few years and see how our lives are going by then. I think we will be grateful for this time of healing and pain, but that we will build new lives and find ways to be happy again. I truly do believe that this very minute.

*<tiwnkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I'm sorry that's had to be your experience, fae. My daughter and I get along great, I love her to pieces, she's the sweetest person in the world, so kind and loving...but she chooses to spend her time with her friends instead of family. It's sad but it's beyond my control so I have to live with it. I miss her. The whole family (both sides) has made great effort towards her but it hasn't been reciprocated. Her dad's side has given up, but my side keeps trying. I think it will take my death for her to realize what family means, but maybe not even then. It is what it is...I never expected it when she was growing up, we were close then, but she likes her independence. I have to respect her wishes.

You are right, family is who is around. These people here on this site are my extended family, and I am thankful for each of you. Alas, my friends have come and gone in my life, they move away, things change, so every few years it seems I'm going through it again. I think those who get to keep their friends from their youth are fortunate! Plus at this age, we start losing them to death. My older sister always had so many friends, but now she's down to a few because so many have died. Life is full of change and adjustment...