Panos Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 Everyone here must feel that their loss, their own personal grief, stemming from their special relationship to their lost loved one, is unique and that only the grieving individual themselves can really appreciate what he/she is going through. I feel the same way. It’s been going on eleven months since I lost my beautiful wife to metastatic breast cancer after a brave, courageous five year long battle with the disease. She died right in my arms, in our bed, at home, for that was her wish. I know you will all understand how difficult it was to try to fulfill that last wish of hers. Yet, feeling completely powerless to know what else I could do to ease her suffering in her last few months, I found at least a small purpose for myself in caring for her and doing this one last loving act for her and to help her to pass on surrounded by her loved ones in our own home. Eleven months have elapsed, yet I am still haunted by that last night we spent together and by the memories of her ordeal those last few months. I’m not going to go into the details. I’m sure many of you would be able to fill in the blanks. Why I chose to come here is that, like the other members, I am grieving and feel I need some kind of an outlet and also to hear back from other people who understand what it’s like to lose the love of their lives and to be alone, haunted, in despair and lost. I’ve tried the alcohol route and of course that didn’t help much (at least not for very long). At times I feel as though my head will explode, yet what to do? Distractions like work, etc are merely ephemeral escapes from it. On the surface, I am maintaining a semblance of normality. Yet, it is a false front that I present to the world. I suppose I know that most of the people I interact with daily would never have the slightest notion of what it’s like, therefore to avoid the entire subject, I act normally with them. But what they see is not what is really going on with me. Here, however, I think I will find other people who would indeed understand and there will be no need for explanations, rationalizations or apologies. My wife – her name was Cindy – comes to me often in my dreams. Occasionally (but only rarely) the dream will be a good one. I once dreamed we were dancing and ended our surreal, ethereal, dance with a rapturous kiss. But mainly, my dreams of Cindy are sad, disturbing, tear-filled; and when I awaken from them, I feel as though I want to shed even more tears. I miss her so... One’s grief, I have determined, is in proportion to the degree of one’s love for the person lost. I think that’s why years may go by, yet one’s grief remains poignant and great. For this reason, I do accept that I will grieve over my own loss for the rest of my days, for there was only one ideal woman in this world meant for me and I gave her every bit if the love I have in me to give. I am lucky to have once found Cindy and to have had the years we did spend together. But I do miss her so very, very much and the void her loss has created in me feels as though it will never be filled. My existence without her is now barren, cold, melancholy and filled with despair. So be it – I suppose. Maybe it’s the flip-side of loving someone so greatly, then losing that person forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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