Being Social

[JeL]

It's been a while...I've not caught up on all your posts but I have read some. My daily meditation gathers all the newly grieved on this site into my breathe. In my small way, I'm with you.

We all know the deep loneliness when we lose our life partner. It feels like a sucking black hole.

My husband Fred died 17 months ago. We had 31 years together. Many days still suck me down but mostly I'm hopeful for my future, grateful for what Fred & I shared. He was the love of my life.

Yet I'm stuck and I'd appreciate shared wisdom...I want to feel social again. I'm not looking for romance. I just want to be comfortable being social. It's so hard. Every hiking trail, every restaurant, every event venue in my small town evokes memories.

How do we feel social again with all this sadness?

Jo

[R.Everit55]

Hi Jo

I wish I could answer your question. And give advice. But I'm new to this... My darling wife passed eight days ago.

I can offer prayers hugs and hope for peace in your heart.

Butch

[enna]

Good morning, Jo,

One of the things that we have to do is keep on living and function as best we can. My situation was living as a retired person with my daughter already grown and living in another state with my grandchildren. I did not have the responsibility of raising children or working. This isolated me more and I did struggle with being alone.

I started out small by visiting with a friend and going out for lunch. I needed to be around those who could allow me to be who I was at the time. The emotional support helped me to not feel so alone.

Later I was able to go out to lunch with a small group of friends. It was something I did before Jim died. Lunch was ‘safer” for me rather than going out to dinner.

After spending time with my grief counselor, I went to a grief support group twice a month for a time. A few of us went for coffee and visited on a social level.

I made myself go to our exercise club just so I was with other people. It was a place where I could be with other people without spending day after day alone. I could come and go as I wanted to.

I tried a few gatherings at our arts and craft center just to be with others. I even found myself at Barnes and Noble reading and having a coffee. Being around others helped me.

About a year, after Jim’ death, I rescued a dog. I had Benji, a Schipperke/Poodle, for only a year before he passed because of multiple seizures and a weak heart. I went for walks and had the opportunity to visit with other dog walkers in the neighborhood.

In the past two years I have spent time volunteering, having a few friends here for dinner, joining a book club, taking short trips around my state with family, and I have even gone out to dinner with friends.

These are all small activities that keep me in the social ring rather than sitting around my house alone.

Anne

[Elly57]

OH dear, I feel your pain too. I feel so alone and anti social, it's as though I'm alone that makes me invisible. Just three months for me. I need to be needed.

I met one of my husbands friends yesterday for a social meeting at a sledge hockey game that is dear to my heart for one of the team players. My husband and the friend also played hockey together on a team. I figured if this was a public place then there wouldn't be a problem. I immediately felt this person was looking at this meeting as me moving on. I had a chat to him about this and we sorted it out. he was not offended but this is a new ball game for being social.

My heart hurts so badly for me and my loss, I don't want to spend the rest of my life on my own but navigating all this and my signals i must be giving off is so new to me. I would love to have romance in my life again. But I want that romance with my husband. I miss him desperately......that is an understatement.

Oh and the reason I met with the friend was to pass over my husbands hockey shirt, the team wants to hang it in their changing room with respect for my husband.

[Elly57]

Butch

Please keep coming back here. We are all here to support you. I feel your distress too. You are not alone.

Elly57

[R.Everit55]

Thank you Elly

I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved husband. Peace to your heart.

Butch

[JeL]

Butch, Anne, Elly....thanks for your thoughts and support. After working, managing the house alone, getting regular exercise, I'm exhausted. It all takes so much energy these days. Someone on these forums articulated it well a while back; to paraphrase: losing my husband makes me feel less than half of the whole we were together. That empty space, a black hole, is what I hope to heal as I find comfortable ways to evolve into a single person identity. I will always miss Fred; I also want to feel more whole.

My closest friends have their own schedules/kids/jobs so I see or talk with them once or twice a month. I go out alone occasionally to eat, to a movie or lecture. A book club is a good idea, I'll look for a group to join. I feel I should put more effort into finding a broader social network......it feels like a daunting task.

Elly, how touching that your husband's hockey friends are hanging his shirt to honor him. My husband, too, was into hockey. I can still barely flip the TV channel past a NHL game without feeling sad.

Jo

[kayc]

I don't know that we can change how we feel, but our focus can affect it. If you want social activity, it takes effort, join things, call and invite people to things. It's not easy, but it's what it takes. I'm still struggling trying to forge social contacts.

[Guest jimand i]

I know how you feel Jo, I need to feel needed too. It has been 9 months since I lost my husband of 30 years. I spent my whole life it seems taking care of people, even at work, Now I am alone and feel so worthless. I try to attend social functions, quilt group, church, etc. But I still feel alone and do not know how to act happy around them when I am so sad. They have their loved one, they are needed, and they do not understand. Well meaning family and friends use all those platitudes that make it worse. You know the ones, it gets better with time, It was his time to go, He's in a better place. I don't care, I want him back!

I also do not want to burden my children. They have jobs, family, friends. They should not have to spend time entertaining me. So I stay home with my rescue dog and watch TV, follow blogs and occasionally quilt. My rescue dog doesn't like to be alone either so I guess we are each others company.

Debbie

PS Sorry I can't offer much to help you but I pray for your comfort and healing..

[feralfae]

Debbie,

I am so sorry for your loss. Nine months is not that long. I lost my husband almost three years ago, and just lately have I been feeling that life is going to be all right someday.

The easiest way I found to begin being social was to call a friend (a different one each day) to talk for 15 minutes, and I let them know that I was reaching out to make contact, to try to work on being less isolated. Almost everyone was most supportive. Later, I started doing volunteer work at the art museum, where I had lots of social contact, and also felt needed, which I think is very important to those of us who have been caregivers or have spent a good deal of our lives caring for others.

Lately, I have been going out more for lunches and sometimes dinners. I live out in the country, and so I must prepare to go into town, making sure everything out here is safe and secure and that I have warm clothes, etc. I try to get to Meeting every Sunday, because that is one of my social groups.

It takes time to rebuild a social network. When Doug was here, we had parties, went to visit friends very often, and generally had a very active social life. As a single widow, a lot of those social invitations have fallen away, and so I am working to build my own social networks, beginning with my girlfriends of long standing.

Be patient with yourself as you find ways to begin to move back into a social life. Maybe working part time would help you to build some social contacts. I have a friend who is 83, who lost her husband two years ago, and she has gone back to work, not because she needs the money, but because it gives her a reason to get up each day, get dressed, fix her hair and put on lipstick, and when she is at work (she is a banker) she talks to lots of people. She only works 4 hours a day four days each week, but she has really come back to life since she started working again after being retired for almost 20 years. Just an idea.

You might also join a fitness class, which is a good place to meet people. I hope you find some things to do that could lead to social contacts.

I think you are doing well with making it this far, and I know it is so hard the first year to get motivated to get up and out when we have the comfort of memories and familiar things around us at home. I will be thinking of you as you begin to make your way back into the world. There are so many places where you are needed, and I know it will all work out.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Debbie,

There was a time I felt and could have written that same thing. However, in this last year, I have learned that I am needed for ME! For the first time in my life, I am taking time for me, I am doing the self care so long neglected while I took care of everyone else. I do understand that loss of purpose when your husband passes...they were the one person in the world for whom you mattered! There is no one seems to notice, anymore, if you are okay or not, and I felt this more than ever when I recently recuperated from surgery...alone. However, these people here, they are the ones I most consider my family, the ones that checked on me (Anne called me when I was still in recovery in the hospital! ) and I consider this place part of my purpose. The other things I do, are also part of my purpose, but it isn't so much what I do as who I am...that is what matters, and I would guess that would be true for you as well! If you are looking for a place you belong, this can be that place, in addition to other places around you. It has taken me time to feel comfortable and at peace with being alone, eating alone, going to church alone, even going to a restaurant alone. It is taking me even longer to step outside my comfort zone and get out and around people more and participate with them. My husband and I were so close, we did everything together, nothing is quite like that, but life still holds much.

[bluelady]

I have not posted much lately, but read this site daily. It has been about 3-1/2 months since I lost the love of my life and I seem to miss him more and more each day. I am so lonely and sad most of the time. My nights are miserable without my precious love. Doing things without him are terrible, so I just stay home. Like so many others here, Jim and I did everything together. I do still work, but I used to go home for lunch every day and we both so very much looked forward to my days off, so we could be together, regardless of what we were doing. In addition, he did so many things to help during the week, while I was at work. Now all those things fall on my shoulders. It's now up to me to change the oil in the car, check the air in the tires, fix things around the house, do the laundry, run various errands, do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning, etc., etc. I really didn't realize how much he did to help me, until he wasn't here to help any longer. He could fix anything and everything and I can't even use a screwdriver. It seems I discover new things daily that he would normally have done and I am so clueless how to do them now. I really hate living alone, but I have no desire to get out and socialize either. My heart is still breaking from my loss and the love I feel for him continues to grow even stronger every day. My mind is still in a fog, I forget to do things, simple things, like leaving my keys in the front door overnight or forgetting to turn on the alarm when I leave home. Sometimes I wonder if I am in early stages of some memory disease. After three months, I should be adjusting more, have a clearer mind and know what my purpose in life is supposed to be. All of these things are foreign to me right now. I am still attending a local grief support group and the meetings really help me to understand my own feelings and to know that I am not alone in the things I feel and think.

Thanks to all of you, who speak to us about your thoughts and feelings, as it really does help me to know that I am not alone in this, that there are many others going through the same thing as I am and can help me get through this terrible journey.

Linda

[shalady]

Linda, I am so sorry you are having a hard time. It has been four months since I lost the love of my life. We were married 38 years and I can't stand being without him. I know just how you feel. It's as if it is not the fact I am alone but more that I am not with him. I miss his smile, his voice, his laugh, his hug. In the last many months of his life he was unable to walk so I had taken over many physical tasks around the house that he would have done. However, he was the one I went to when I needed to know how and what to do. It also made him feel helpful in some way. Sometimes I feel hopeless so I talk to him or come here. I know things will be better in time and that is what I cling to. I am glad you find comfort in your support group and by coming here. I wish I had more to offer but you are in my prayers. I wish you much peace and comfort.

Shalady

[bluelady]

Shalady,

Thank you for your prayers and support. My husband was on a ventilator for the last 4-5 weeks of his life and was unable to speak. I tried to read his lips, but I was unable to do so, we tried writing, but he could not write very legibly. He finely just gave up trying to communicate and smiled and mouthed that he loved me, nodding in understanding when I spoke, but giving up on speaking. I would give my own life, just to hear his voice say those three words to me again and to be able to briefly hold him in my arms. I understand this is not possible, but like you, I miss having him near/with me. My life without him is so very empty and filled with nothing but loneliness. I miss him SO much!!

Shalady, I also wish you peace and comfort and will pray for you as well.

Linda

[shalady]

So very sad. My husband died suddenly. He had many health issues but none of them life threatening. He had a stomach ache that lingered until the next day. His nurse sent us to the ER in light of his many health problems. All his blood work came back ok and the plan was to admit him and do an endoscope the next morning. While we were waiting to move to a room he started throwing up blood. He went unconscious and they put him on ventilator but the stress of all that stopped his heart. They kept bringing him back with CPR but told me it was not good, that it was torture to him. They brought me in the room to show me and I had to let them know they could stop. They sad it was a ruptured esophagus. That is the first time I have told that. Maybe it is part of my therapy for grief. I really am glad he is not suffering anymore. He was too good. I am sure you feel the same about the suffering. I try to think of good days with him to try to erase all that but I am sure nothing will.

Shalady

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Linda and Shalady,

I cannot advise either of you, but I can send you hugs, and tell you that I care very much that you are hurting so badly. I pray every day for the people on this site, particularly ones who I know are having special needs (eg. Kay's recent surgery, and especially that she was alone most of the time; Butch who is suffering such raw grief, and others). I offer you my online friendship, and would invite you to come over for a sit down visit, if that were possible. Your stories squeeze my heart, and I can only imagine how you must hurt and miss your precious loves.

My husband survived, but he was on a ventilator for a while, and couldn't talk. We learned later that he was having terrifying hallucinations on morphine. He kept strugling to tell me what he was seeing. He tried to write, but he wasn't able to do that either. They changed medications after he was off the ventilator. The new one made him hallucinate also, but since he had to have strong medications for pain, they decided that it was all right for him to see the nurse as having blue hair. Her having blue hair really intrigued him. Intrigue was so much better than terror.

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

Anne,

You are wise, sweet, and so generous. Your postings are very helpful to me. Thank you so much.

Carrie

[kayc]

I am so sorry for all you are going through. I'm glad that the support group helps you to know what you are experiencing is normal and you are not alone in your feelings. It does take time to adjust to this new existence...I remember how panicky I felt when my George died...for a long time. Now I am at peace but of course I still miss him, I always will. Nothing has been the same since he died, nor will it be. I guess the most we can wish for as we do this new life is to find moments of joy along the way. I can relate to the not knowing how to do the things he did, some things I've learned to, other things I've had to ask for help.

Right now I'm thinking of Butch as he's going through his wife's service, beginning an hour ago, I hope his flu is easing up a bit, I can't imagine having to do my spouse's funeral with the flu.

[bluelady]

Thank you Kay. I hope Butch made it through the service OK. I have been to many funerals in my lifetime, but burying the love of my life and having to say goodbye, was the hardest one of them all. Although it was a beautiful service, with a harpist, a violinist and organist playing his favorite music, I was in too much shock to take it all in. I know Butch must feel lost right now. Even after 3-1/2 months, I am still lost without my love. I will feel so blessed to get past all the crying and deep grief, as I am sure Butch must be suffering now. I only recently visited my love's gravesite and it brought back all of the hospital/funeral memories I have been trying to avoid. All I could do was stand and look at the ground under my feet and cry for my great loss.

Butch, I hope the flu is leaving you and you will be able to begin this terrible grief journey unencumbered with illness to handle, as well.

Hugs and prayers to you, Butch! Keep returning to this site and it will help you so much. I am so happy I stumbled upon it.

[kayc]

My internet went out and I lost the post I'd had here.

I'm hoping butch made it through the service okay so he won't feel hard on himself, and that he is home resting now...I'm sure his son is with him today.

I have my husband's ashes in the backyard where I can look out my patio door and see the spot, it's where I want to be laid to rest as well. It did take a couple of years to decide where to put them, but as these were the happiest years of his life, spent here, and he always called this "our home in the clouds", it was really no contest.