R.Everit55 Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Here I am awake at 4:21am. Numb. In less than 6hrs Her memorial will be happening. I don't know where my strength went. It has just picked up and left. Hiding somewhere. I don't want to face these people. I don't want to hear the I'm so sorrys or she's in a better a place or she lived a long life. A long life? She had so many many years and decades to live. I just want to stay here alone under the covers quite honestly. I'm scared. But I've got to get it together and snap out of this for everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Butch, I know this is one of the hardest days in the world. Unfortunately, well meaning people do say those things. When they have done that with me I just try to think they do mean well. But today will be for and about Mary. You can put everything else aside if you can. Your strength is just resting, reserving for when you need it. Rest while you can and I do hope you are feeling better. Remember Mary is with you today and always. Don't be scared, we are all here thinking of you and praying for you. We all wish we could reach out and lend an arm of support, a hug. You are not alone. I am praying for your strength and comfort. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Yes . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Dear Butch,Shalady said it so perfectly and so well, that all I can add is that my heart is with you as you go through this day.I pray that the memorial will bring some peace and comfort to you and to everyone who gathers with you.Let this be a day of celebrating Mary, your love for each other, and her life. Blessings,fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Dear Butch, You have been in our thoughts, and in our prayers, all day. We care. Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Butch, I'm hoping you made it through it okay and the wonderful things that were said today will bring you comfort. All of us are thinking of you and I was praying for you and your son during the service. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 Hi. I Am quite honestly in shock and cannot find words. Yesterday went differently than I thought. So much harder than I though. For more reasons than I thought. Tonight will be two weeks at 11:15. Why can't I find words. Why can't I think straight. And why can't I cry... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 23, 2015 Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 "You were the love of my whole life, my heart, my inspiration, my very breath, and the reason my heart beat... You will forever be all those things and more... So still... You are the reason my heart will keep beating. I will see you again my sweet princess. Save a place for me." You will in time, Butch, find the words, think straight, and cry all in time. Your words above express how deep your love is for Mary. Thinking of you during this very hard time. We are here for you. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 23, 2015 Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 Butch, as Anne said, the words will come, the tears will come. Try to be patient with yourself, give yourself time. It took me a while to process things too. It was here that I learned not to expect so much of myself. I was in a fog. Others have expressed the very same thing. I felt I should be doing better but I was being too hard on myself. We all grieve differently because we are all different. There is no right or wrong way. So whatever you are feeling, it is ok. We are all thinking of you. I am praying for you. I hope you are able to get some rest. Peace and comfort. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Dear Butch,You are a precious, cherished spirit, and you have been through an incredibly painful trauma, which began so long ago when the prospect of losing Ziggy loomed before you. Then you have had to be there to support and hold Mary as she made her own journey through grief. And for what probably felt like many years, you took care of Mary. Now that you are faced with this new life, it is any wonder that your thoughts are scattered, that the tears are delayed, and that you cannot always find the words?Your life has been turned upside down, inside out, and from the Joy of Love to the Sadness of Loss. Please be gentle with yourself. When you think of Mary, I know your heart is filled with love. Can you turn your attention and give that same compassionate and unconditional love to yourself, to your own broken heart? With all you have been through, it is going to take a while for the shock and trauma to wear off enough for you to be able to feel enough to cry. Right now, you are in a heavy fog, there are shadows of sadness all around you, and everything feels out of place and confusing, because it is.Be patient and loving with yourself. Be kind and gentle with your broken heart. Come here and let us wrap our caring and love around you and hold you in the Light, as you slowly, gently, tenderly, begin this journey. You are not alone.Blessings and Peace to your Heart,fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Yesterday was utterly unbearable. I did okay speaking. Until I began talking about our twin baby girls who were stillborn in 1991. That event NEVER hit me so hard. Never ever. I don't have my beautiful life partner to share that with. I could not finish my speaking... Our son had to come up hold my hand and read the rest as I just stood sobbing. I DO feel like I failed. My wife, our angel girls in heaven, and our son. I'm still sick. I'm absolutely eating nothing. I try and the thought of it turns my stomach and brings that lump of grief to my throat. So I've just been laying down. It's all I can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Thank you my friends... ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Butch, As I've already said, you failed no one, you are sick, you are grieving, it's overwhelming. Please give yourself the grace Mary would want you to and be as understanding of yourself as you would be of her. Right now you need that. I'm still praying for you, I hope you get over this nasty flu bug soon so your head can clear a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 This is a song that Our Son picked out himself, and his wife sang... For me and for my love at the service. I wish she was there. But indeed she was there... Published on Aug 29, 2013 It was me there beside you. Did you hear me call your name? Like the breeze brushing by you, I touched your face. No. No, not the breeze. It was me. Did you feel tears from heaven fall as rain upon your skin? As I quietly wept with you. I was with you even then. No. No, not the rain. It was me. Days will slip by and your pain will fade, When a smile reaches your eyes again, I will be there as I've always been. I've always been beside you... beside you. When the cold night passes you'll be still...you'll be calm. I will wrap you in my arms. In me you'll find love's warmth. No. No, not the dawn It is me. It is me. by Diane C Brothen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Dear Butch, Others have expressed so well what is in my heart, so I will just say Amen. ❤️ Hugs, Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Thank you all. It is now 11:15 and 14dys... Two weeks. Which seems like a lifetime but like it's just happened. Going to lay my head down. I am going back to work officially a week from Monday. So I've got to get myself together. Goodnight... ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Butch, I'm sorry it was so difficult. There is nothing you could have done to make it any easier. Your deep love and devotion is shown in your actions and words. When we love someone that much our grief goes deeper. I do find comfort knowing Bob is in Heaven. You are in a fragile way right now. You will slowly recover yourself. I know it seems hopeless but I promise it will slowly get better. l don't look too far into the future. You will know when you are ready to begin to progress. Have hope. Peace and comfort. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Butch, I hope you aren't pushing yourself, you aren't even over the flu yet, you need some self care before heading back to work. I do thank you for sharing the song (and the words) with us. It is a special thought. I haven't felt George in a tangible way but I do know he lives inside my heart as well as wherever his spirit is. Your love will never be forgotten, it is much too real for that. She is with you always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 The song you shared with us just takes my breath away, dear Butch ~ So beautiful. I hope you can feel our arms wrapped around you and your broken heart . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeL Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Butch, we share your pain, I'm so sorry for you losses. Please think about the basics: drink healthy fluids, eat a few protein bites, rest when your body lets you. When friends ask "how can I help?" consider going for a walk together, even if only 10 minutes. You may have to go back to work soon (I did too, to keep my job/benefits), yet for now, try to think about the here and now....an hour or day at a time. with warmth, Jo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 26, 2015 Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 Butch sent me these pictures and asked if I'd post them for him. He has his son and grands visiting. They are expecting quite a bit of snow so everyone is huddled around the fire trying to keep warm. Little Man doesn't seem to mind being close to the warmth of the fire today. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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