Heavy Hearted - Need Support

[valmalhill]

Hello All,

Sadly I lost my 45 year old husband 3 weeks ago. I'm just now getting over the shock and now my heart is so heavy I can barely stand it.

My husband, Mike was supposed to come home from rehab within about 5 weeks. He had two valves replaced in his heart and 2 mini strokes sometime during he stay in the hospital. He had finally gotten better and moved from ICU, to Intermediate part of the hospital to a regular hospital room and then rehab. On 1/30 I got a called that they moved him back to the hospital because he was "confused". Anyhow, his kidneys shut down and toxics were builing up in his body.

Mike was my rock, my best friend and we did everthing together. We were not able to have any kids, so now it's just me and my Mom lives with me. Sadly, I can fall asleep but if I wake up, I have a hard time falling back to sleep because all I do is think of Mike. He was in the hospital for almost 4 months and the doctors did not think he would get better until he finally turned a corner. I was really expecting him to come home. I have not felt any signs from him and despartely want to know he is okay, around me and that somehow I will see him again.

Part of me died that day and I have to admit part of my feels like dying. I feel like my heart is shattered into a million pieces. Every day seems to be a struggle. A struggle to think, to know what to do, I cry every day. He was too young to die, I feel I'm to young to be a window. I wish the design of the world is we both go together. This is the most painful, difficult thing I have ever faced. I hear some say it gets easier, right now I can't see that.

Love to all of you sufferng too.

I'm looking for hope that maybe some of you can share with me.

Valerie

[enna]

My dear Valerie,

I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Mike. Any age is too young to lose our soulmates. You are in the early times of your grief and the best thing you can do is to allow yourself to be where you are right now. There is no time limit on grief. These first months will seem like you are in a fog for that is the way we are protected from the reality of death.

I cannot imagine the heartache you must feel at expecting Mike to come home and finding out that it is not to be.

Please be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself for the grief journey you are on will be a hard one and will require a great deal of both physical as well as mental strengths.

During these early days focus on staying hydrated, getting sleep and exercise.

We here on this forum are here to listen and to assure you that you will not be alone. At the beginning of my grief journey (May of 2012) I can remember that those words were very comforting to me. I needed to know that I would not have to do this alone and I have not. I will not tell you that it gets easier, but I can tell you that if you do the grief work that lies ahead of you ~ you will be okay.

Anne

[kayc]

Valerie,

I am so sorry you lost your husband, Mike. I lost my George nearly ten years ago (June 19 2005) and like you, we always did everything together and it was a shock. he was in the hospital awaiting valve replacement when he went into cardiac arrest.

My shock lasted for months...it felt like I was in a fog, couldn't think straight, I remember feeling frantic, scared, alone. My job went under a few months later and I faced trying to find a job in the beginning of the recession in my 50s, worried I'd lose my house.

I have learned so much from my grief journey. I've learned to stay in the present moment. Try not to worry about tomorrow. Sure, we have to make plans, naturally, but for the most part, try to keep your thoughts in the here and now. To be overly concerned about tomorrow invites anxiety, to be consumed by yesterday, depression. This is the moment we truly have. I've learned to balance memories and plans with today's moment.

Another thing I learned is how important it is to express myself. When George died, I felt all my power had been stripped away from me with no say so. No one asked me if I wanted him to die! No one asked me if I wanted my life turned upside down in the blink of an eye! But when I voice myself, here, with others, in writing, in whatever form, it gives expression to what I am feeling and experiencing and validates it, as if it counts...and it restores some of that power I felt I'd lost.

Third, a very important thing I learned is to give place to tears, vent, scream if you feel the need! (Might want to be alone for that). Tears are like the release valve on a pressure cooker, without which we might explode! They are okay, not a sign of weakness. This journey is not for the weak, the faint hearted, and even though we might not feel strong sometimes, we are...we could not be surviving without strength.

An important thing I learned, way on down the road, was how to draw strength and comfort from George by reaching down inside of me...remembering his words, his look, how he'd hold me. At first I think I was too frantic and in too much pain...any memory hurt...but with time, that changed. Our grief journey is ever changing, it does not stay the same. It will not always be at this level of intensity. There is much adjusting to do, learning to cope, it takes time, effort, experience. There's no way to circumvent grief but go straight through it. Allow yourself to feel the pain, it is through the exercise of experience that healing can begin.

One of the more important lessons I learned was early on in my grief, about two weeks after he died...I ran across a refrigerator magnet with a dragonfly on it (I believe God put the dragonfly on it to draw my attention specifically to it)...the words were: "Find Joy in Every Day". Doing so transformed my attitude and thought process from one of despair to actively seeking joy. I learned to look for SMALL joys, my big joy (George) was gone, but I could usually find small ones if I looked for them. At the end of the day I'd look back over the day and think, "What joy was there in today?" It might be a rainbow, or someone letting me merge in traffic, someone holding a door open for me, a phone call from a friend, being invited to lunch, a kitten's purr, a dog's kiss, getting to see elk or deer in my back yard, a bill coming in lower than expected. I began to practice gratefulness. There is a thread in this section about Positives...it is a place we can go and post a positive for the day. It has more posts than any other thread I think!

I will always miss George. There's not a day goes by but what I think of him and miss him. My life is divided in half now...before and after (his death). It was that life defining moment.

You mentioned wanting a sign...some here have gotten that, I haven't been one to get much in the way of signs, but I proceed on faith, the same way the beginning of our relationship started. We will be together again! He is at peace and knows no more suffering or pain. If it had to be one of us, I'm glad I was the one who had to endure, because I wouldn't have wished this on my best friend, my husband, my soul mate. He is waiting for me and when my time here is complete, I will be with him forever.

You have found a good place here, we will walk this journey with you. We will listen, sometimes we'll encourage, sometimes we may have advice...sometimes we may not, but we will be here with you if you want us to.

And as Anne said, take care of yourself. Be patient and understanding of yourself. Remember to breathe, to eat, drink, take walks. Self care gives you the best chance possible of making it through this intact...not the same, different, but whole.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Valerie,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am also very early in my grief journey and still somewhat in the fog. It is for our protection I am told. No matter how quickly or how long before our loved ones pass doesn't make the hurt different. Mark was my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. I waited many years to find him. It was a first marriage for the both of us and even after almost 6 years, we still acted like newlyweds. You are in the midst of the hardest thing you will every face. As many wise people on this forum will tell you, be kind to yourself. Mark died December 4, and this Thursday will mark 12 weeks he has been gone. It sounds like a long time, but it is not. It still feels like yesterday that Mark passed. He died suddenly from a heart attack. Every moment of that day is still vivid. I keep my days as simple as possible; and I am still not comfortable with making decisions beyond what to wear to work and what to have to eat. Let people help you is all I can advise. There are many kind folks here who can help you, too.

Sincerely,

Maryann

[valmalhill]

Thank you, Kay.

It means the world to me that people do care, even people we've never met face to face. Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post. I am grateful that I can share in this journey. You are right, right now, all memories are pretty painful. But, I ran across a picture of Mike on my cell phone with him making a goofy face and it made me smile. Oh, I will miss him until the die I pass myself. I loved him so much. I will look for the small things to enjoy. Right now, just so overwhelmed with grief. I will do my best to take care of myself. The hardest part is waking up and realizing this is not a nightmare....

Love to you, Kay.

And thanks for your words of encouragement.

Val

[shalady]

Valerie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Mike. I lost my husband this past September. I am still struggling. As many before me have said take care of yourself. Grief such as this takes so much out of you. It is exhausting. We have to remember to eat and drink. I have lost many beloved members of my family but it does not compare to this loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

[kayc]

You have many here to go through it with you, even some with a similar timeline. Those of us who have been here longer will be a reminder and living proof that we do survive even the unthinkable.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Valerie,

I cannot offer you words of wisdom, as so many here can, but please know that I care very much that you are hurting so deeply. My heart goes out to you, for I know of no crueler pain than that of the loss of your precious spouse.

May God hold you tenderly; may He give you comfort; and may He enable you to do whatever you need to do for now--during these early days. You have come to the right place for care.

Blessings and warm hugs,

[sjt222015]

Dear Valerie,

I too lost my husband a few weeks ago after 10 weeks in the hospital. He had back surgery and was it rehab. We were so happy because they had finally set a date for him to go home. Then a few days later he was in ICU never to regain consciousness. I know I keep catching myself thinking he will be coming home and then it hits me that he won't. I just want to scream NO, this is all WRONG. I don't know what to say other than that you are not alone.. I just joined this group looking for a way to express my grief and hoping for answers but I never realized there are so many of us out there. I guess until you experience it you can't really know how truly devastating it can be. Comforting words just don't seem to be helping me right now as I just can't seem to absorb them but after reading some of these posts it helps to know I am not alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Froggie4635]

Yesterday was three months that Mark had passed. There are still moments where I tell myself "I can't believe he is gone". The night before he died, we had dinner at his mom's for his birthday and I had never seen him so full of life. When he picked me up at work that day, I found him conversing lively with my co-workers at the front desk. Our staff luncheon had been that day, and the night before (Mark's actual birthday) he was helping us set up. When he picked me up, all he could talk about was how proud he was of me (I was in charge of decorating for the luncheon). Even at dinner that night, he was STILL bragging to his mom about what I had created. So everyone at the office remembers him being SO ALIVE. Then the next day, it was over. I shake my head and say "I hate this" when I am overcome with emotions. Our life was so perfect (well nothing is PERFECT, but we were so content). That was enough for us, to be content. Valerie, like so many people around me say to me, "I wish I could take away the hurt". I am finding it very true, the deeper the love the deeper the hurt. I no longer expect him to come through the door, but it hurts when I have a good day at work, I solve someone's problem and I can't share it with him and hear him tell me "Honey, you are the best". As my bottom lip begins to tremble, I send this out to all who read...I wish you comfort and peace.

Maryann