R.Everit55 Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 I apologize for not being here for a while. I have had heart issues to be dealt with then a complication. So I'm recovering. But I just haven't been able to be here, to read anything, to find words for anyone, I cannot find words for myself yet. It's been 72 days and one hour since my princess was taken by ALS. I have been numb, deeply pained and sad, to angry... So angry, to numb, and now just afraid. What is fear? Why am I locked in fear? I HAVE NO IDEA... None. I feel I've gone nowhere but backwards. I can't find feelings. I can't find reasons. I feel fear. I feel it overwhelmingly so. And I just cannot grasp the WHY. So now I feel more afraid. And more numb...vacant... Lost... 72 days and I should be better, I should be not feeling like it just happened, I should be able to express all this better... I cannot. I'm going backwards. I'm afraid. What would Mary think of me. How weak and disappointing I am to her. Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 Dear Butch,While I think that fear is a normal and common part of grief, I'd also like to suggest that you spend a few sessions with a grief counselor.How could we not be afraid when our world has been turned upside down, we are missing half of who we were, and when something has happened that was the last thing we would wish to have to endure? Losing our Beloved takes away half of the foundations of our very being, I have found.Mary would be proud of you, I think, for holding on, for being there for your son and grandsons, and for surviving all you have been through. You have had a lot of health issues to struggle with since Mary left, and that takes a lot of energy and attention, not to mention courage. I am hoping that the health issues are now behind you, and that you can heal in peace, and begin to enjoy each day a little more.And I do hope you can see your grief counselor about your fears. Is there a support group in your area that you could join?I was wondering how you were doing, so I am glad to hear from you. While you are recovering, I am glad you have the boys there to spend time with you, and that you are able to join us here.Be gentle and patient with yourself. Compassion is healing to the heart and spirit, and so give yourself as much compassion as you can. These are tough days for you, and of course we each know that medical issues are especially tough to deal with when we are feeling alone and vulnerable. I am glad your son and grandsons are close by, and that you can spend time with them.Keep healing, and all good wishes are coming your way, as well as some *<fairy dust>* that I think Mary asked me to send to you. Peace to your heart,fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 I so agree with what fae is saying and I would like to gently remind you that there is no need to apologize for being away from the forum. I would like to share with you something my grief counselor told me when we were right in the middle of our grief sessions. I complained that it was so unfair that I had to deal with my heart failure when all I wanted to do was grieve for my Jim. She reminded me that the loss of my good health was also a loss and for the time I needed to attend to that and that Jim would want me to work on regaining my health and there would be plenty of time for refocusing on the death of Jim. It took me several months but with her help I learned to do that. Our health is also a loss and it is very common to have health issues when we were caregivers for a long period of time. Yes, be gentle with yourself and remember there is no need to blame yourself. We are here for you. Sending hugs and we both know how much fae's fairy dust helps us. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 My dear Butch, in one of the most beautiful books ever written about the grief that follows the death of a spouse, scholar C.S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed that "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." There is a reason that this is one of the most-often quoted statements about grief, and you are living that very reason now: No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me . . . An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m afraid of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don’t . . . And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness . . . C. S. Lewis, in A Grief Observed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 I also can relate to health issues while grieving. It does compound an already overwhelming time. Be good to yourself now. I also think Mary would be proud of you for getting through all of your health issues. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 72 days and you should be better??? Not so! I don't think I was at 72 days! Butch, there's no timetable for this, no expectation, not from Mary, not from any of us. It takes as long as it takes, and you'll handle it in your way, in your time. It's the hardest thing in the world to process and it takes way longer than I ever expected. Be kind, patient, and gentle with yourself. Give yourself credit for surviving (as in ongoing) the hardest trauma in the world! We all felt that hard enough but you've had the added complications of the snow, your concussion, your DIL's condition, and your heart. I think Mary would be very proud of you! We all continue to pray for you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 Butch, Kay is right. There is no timetable for this. You are not far into your journey of grief. None of us realize the enormous suffering of grief upon losing our spouse until it happens to us. To say it is life changing is an understatement. None of us know how we will handle it, but we do. Somehow we go on one day at a time. We have to be patient with ourselves and not expect too much. One day at a time my friend. You never have to apologize. I am six months into my journey and I go backwards at times. We have so much love for our spouse and that will never die. I think that is why I go backwards at times. It is okay because it is like I go backwards, and then seem to reset at that point. We are all different yet have so much in common. I too am here for you. I understand. We all do. Don't worry about not being able to come here yet. You shouldn't pressure yourself to do anything right now. Just let your heart tell you what you can do. Keep hugging little man. Take care of yourself, your health. It is ok. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 Anxiety has been the strongest of feelings in my grief recovery. It does get better but it requires enormous patience and loving the part of me that is so scared, hurt, angry, resentful.....that is the part that needs more love and not pressure from me to get better now. I need to love me into more healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 You said it...we have to love ourselves, we are worthy and we need it! It's what our spouses would have wanted and the person who loved us most is gone, so why not love ourselves! We're going through a lot and need it! It helps to share here, all of us going through our own things in our own timetable and own way, yet together. I discovered a crack in the back of my wood stove...a pretty big one (in the inside). George would have fixed it. I don't have George any more and no one else who gives a rip. I'll have to hire someone to replace it. Another huge expense I can't afford. Even ten years out, we are still going through stuff that is a secondary loss as a result of having lost our spouses...and it doesn't seem any less traumatic. But we have, by this time, learned to just deal with it, the same way we have the last ten years when anything goes wrong or comes our way. And we turn to them for strength and comfort, praise, encouragement, whatever we need to get through this life. And they're there...we have only to remember their words, the look in their eyes, how it felt to be held by them. We'll be rejoined one day and hear their words "Well done!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 26, 2015 It's 5am here. I've been awake for two days with very few naps. I'm still not feeling right from my stent placement and the blood clot ordeal following it. But I'm on three heavy duty cardiac meds. As far as the fear... I'm just all over the place. Fear, anger, tears, heartache, guilt, questioning, replaying the events with her ALS and all the other health issues, and how in the world she had the strength to literally throw herself into caring for Leo and Shannon. And how maybe she would still be here had she not thrown herself into their care. But I couldn't stop her. She was as stubborn as she was loving. It's like I'm just trying to understand or go back like somehow it will make her be here still. How insane am I.... Then I beat myself up for thinking like a child. I'm wiped out. Just wiped out. Our anniversary is April 30th. I don't want that day to come. I'm rambling... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted March 26, 2015 Report Share Posted March 26, 2015 Butch, Anxiety, sadness, guilt and regret seem to play on my mind. But I do have my fears as well. The world seems like an uncaring and very frightening place now. I find myself thinking about death more and honestly wondering if I can even go on. I turn 60 in May and now that's just another day to be depressed. Since I don't really have much of a support system in my life, I think I'm ready for one on one with a coundelor but I'm not sure I'm ready for a group. Unfortunately, I can't afford counseling. It's only been 20 days since I lost my Tammy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 26, 2015 Report Share Posted March 26, 2015 Butch, please be kind to yourself. Everyone is right, there is no timetable. Don't beat yourself up about things you cannot control. Being ill, besides losing Mary, makes you even more vulnerable. Just take it one day at a time, and know that your friends here are all praying for you, and that we are here whenever you need to vent. Don't feel you are deserting us if you do not post often. I do not always post, but I always read. Like you, I sometimes feel like I have nothing to give to someone else. Just take care of yourself, and just go one day, one hour, one minute at a time, don't think about the future...that way lies madness. It become too overwhelming.QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 26, 2015 Report Share Posted March 26, 2015 Mitch, many grief counselors go on an income based scale. Many offer the first session free. Contact your hospital or hospice for a referral or just start calling ones in a phone book if you don't know which one to try. Sometimes it's not the first one you try that you resonate with, sometimes it is the second or third. But they can be a lifesaver. Usually meeting with group support comes later, in a few months. Yes, your emotions are all over the place, how can they not be?! When George died I had $120 in our bank account, just lost his income, had thousands and thousands of dollars of doctor, ambulance, and hospital bills pouring in, hounding me. I remortgaged my house to pay for them. I learned later that I wouldn't have been responsible for them, but no one from the hospital told me that when they were calling me to pay and threatening high interest. Also, I want to mention that you will be able to claim her on your taxes the first year, a bit of news I learned here, at least I learned that in time. I would have been money ahead to have talked to a financial consultant, but when you don't know how you're going to pick up their ashes or eat next week, you don't think you have money for a professional...I get that. Butch, you have had way more on your plate than most. Just surviving today is a feat to be proud of! Try not to think about what's coming in a month, you have enough to deal with today. And you can't know she'd have lived any longer had she not cared for Leo, Shannon, Ziggy...perhaps they gave her incentive to put her own diseases aside and live a little longer for them. We can't know "what if" because that wasn't the choice she made. Yes, the choice SHE made...it wasn't yours to make, so it's not yours to beat yourself up over. Oh Butch, you were the most terrific husband, just like Tammy's husband, Mitch, was! You guys should have crowns on your heads! From what I've heard, you will in heaven, and when we get there, what we're really going to care about is not some crown, but reuniting with our spouse, the love of our life, our other half. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 I'm struggling. I simply cannot cope... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted March 29, 2015 Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Dear Butch, I know how positively devastating this is. Try to listen to those who have been on their journey longer than we have. They tell us it will ease up some. It will take time. They have made it further and so we will too.We can try to be patient and take care of ourselves. I don't know how I make it through some days but I find the strength. I take strength in knowing what a wonderful life I had with my wonderful husband. I wish I could make this easier for you, I really do. You have been through so much and your illness and your fall have all compounded things for you. You have had so many things piled on top of your grief it may have been hidden and now there it is again. Just take one day, one hour at a time. You have strength way down deep that you can go on. Mary is with you, helping you. We are with you, helping you, comforting you, praying for you. ***HUGS*** Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 29, 2015 Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 It will get easier, try to hang in there for now, remember to breathe, I know I've told you that many times, deep breaths, take only one minute at a time, nothing more. How is your heart doing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 I realize you're referring to my physical heart... Cardiac wise. Its a struggle adjusting esp to these new meds. However, my heart... Is broken and I simply cannot fix it nor do I believe any longer that it will ever be unbroken without my wife... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 30, 2015 Report Share Posted March 30, 2015 I know, I'm sorry. Yes, I was referring to your physical heart. If you have any problems with the meds, I hope you'll address it with your doctor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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