8 weeks, 5 days since he's left

[JayNTeeforalways]

I posted on here a few weeks after my husband passed away, July 17th. Life's been hectic as I've been back to work. I still cry everyday, at home and sometimes at work, but have great support of family. I still miss my husband tremendously, with all my aching heartheart and that doesn't nor will it ever make up for the loss of my husband. I wonder sometimes if by going back to work so soon after my husband passed away is doing me more of a disservice than helping because for a chunk of time (8-9 hours of the day, 5 days a week) I'm focused on work and not allowing my feelings to just be. My husband was buried on July 23rd and I returned to work on July 29th. Not sure how I did it or have done it since and if that was even the right move, so I worry about myself as I've read in different places that by "keeping busy" you can force yourself to ignore or delay the grieving process rather than facing it head -on and allowing grief to take its course? Grief is so confusing. Any feedback is welcomed.

[KATPILOT]

It is so brutal to have to return to work so soon. For what it's worth JayNTee, I did the same having no choice. I run my own business and had to work the next day in shock at best. The truth is that I was deep in financial worries but had not focused on them while my wife was still alive. I had all but checked out of work for the three months prior to her passing. Kathy had a sudden diagnosis of cancer that when we discovered it already in stage four, I never left her side during her waking hours as we tried desperately to save her. I had no choice but to go back to try and save my business and make money for the bills were overwhelming. In a way, focusing on work helped me survive yet I had so many meltdowns over those first months. I spent a lot of time in the rest room trying to compose myself.  I don't even know how I did it. But I did do it. So I understand what you are saying. My thoughts are with you now as you have such a hard journey ahead. Only time, and baby steps will see you through. Grief's journey is the hardest road we will ever travel. You have found the most wonderful community to seek refuge in. And yes you will cry every day. It is the price for loving someone so deeply. One day you will be glad you feel such pain even if at times you curse it.

I just got back from a trip for my granddaughters birthday. I had joy while there, but the travel back without my wife caused a few breakdowns on the way. Yes, even  after four and a half years, I still have those "moments". I still had to hide my eyes in public once an again. I guess I still love the hell out of her and back to work I will  go.

Stephen

[kayc]

I had to go back to work two weeks after my husband passed away.  I don't think it disallows you to grieve, only during that period of the day, there's still all evening and weekend.  The hard part about going back to work, for me, was doing my job, my focus was not the same and I was scared about making mistakes (I had a perfectionist complicated job).  I asked my boss to check on my work at first because of it.

I smile, Anne, because I did the same thing, fortunately the rest room was close to my office!

Some people set aside a time of day to grieve, and find that it helps them.  I hadn't heard of that idea back when I was fresh at it but I can see how that might help if a person is spending so much time being busy that they're avoiding their grief.  For myself, I don't see how I could have avoided it...he was on my mind constantly, I wasn't sleeping much, even driving was hard because my thoughts were always on him.

[debi.williams]

Reading your posts my friends I realise how lucky I am. I will return to work tomorrow. It has been 5 weeks since my husband died very suddenly. I have my own business but luckily a supportive business partner. Nevertheless I feel sick to my stomach at the thought. My husband was so involved in our office from buying the orchids that thrive there after years through to making many improvements to the building. He would take me there and pick me up and visit many times, particularly with lunch. The last time we were there together was the day he passed as we were dropping off supplies. He watered the orchids and helped me unpack. Just imagining myself walking in fills me with dread and horror and it feels like my heart is being clenched. I don't want tomorrow to come.

[kevin]

I felt the same way about playing Golf....I'm retired.......my children insisted I quit lounging around but to get back in the routine. It is almost 8 weeks for me and I'm still a basket case, but a basket case that gets 4-5 hours of fresh air a day........it will never be the same, and I don't want it to be.......I Feel progress, but Still have those misty moments....don't ever leave home without sunglasses......

[debi.williams]

Dear Kevin, the tip of never leaving home without sunglasses is one I really took on board. This morning on my way to take the tram to work I was suddenly overcome. Our son is sick with a fever and bad chest cold, the first time he has been sick in over a year. I felt so bad at leaving him. He isn't a small child of course - 16 last week - but he is, was and always will be our baby. In the past we should share days like this. My husband would stay with him in the morning and me in the afternoon or vice versa. I was suddenly overcome by my sheer 'aloneness' that I have no one to worry over my son but me. It was a cloudy day but the sunglasses came out. Thanks Kevin.

[kayc]

Debi,

I hope your son gets well soon.  I'm sure he's missing his dad being with him this morning.  

How did it go, going back to work?

[debi.williams]

Dear KayC, Thank you so much for asking.  He is back at school today (his choice) and is on the mend. 

Work was a continues to be a nightmare with so many reminders of my husband at the office. Weirdly I find it harder to be there than at home which is odd really considering home is where he collapsed and it all happened. I am not totally convinced by the 'keep busy' theory. I feel better just sitting quietly reading or thinking. Like most of us I have to work so it is not an option to give up. The weather is turning here and the nights are getting darker earlier. I am dreading Christmas. It was always a big time for us and my husband loved it always bringing home the biggest and most impractical tree he could find! Last year was the first without my Mom and I couldn't face it so we stayed in a hotel in the English countryside. This year the thought fills me with such pain I feel sick. Money is tight now so my options will be very limited.

Stupid question coming up. How are you KayC?

[kayc]

I'm doing okay, thanks, Debi.  It's getting dark earlier here too and it's dark when I wake up now, plus the nights are colder.  I love fall, but had a hard time the first few years because it was fall when George and I would go for a drive and pick colorful leaves and come back and arrange them in a vase.  I miss that ritual.  We both had such a love for nature, we were on one wavelength.

I am not surprise by anything grief related, like you finding it odd that you can be at home but at work it hits you.  It just hits how it does I guess.

[debi.williams]

I'm glad you are doing okay Kayc, it's all we can hope for. Like you I love the fall as did my husband because the colours are so glorious, but now I feel it is quite melancholy with the darker nights and mornings. I can't bear the season change into a season he will never see.

What a lovely idea you and George had of arranging the beautiful leaves in a vase. You probably feel it is impossible now -and lord knows I understand that - but they would look beautiful lit with a candle next to the vase and your favourite picture of George, so he can see the fall leaves too. It's funny how simple rituals that we used to enjoy together and get such pleasure from become the highest mountains to climb. My husband (nature lover as you know) would enjoy gathering acorns and spraying them at Christmas. I will miss his  whacky pumpkin carving at halloween which used to make my son and I laugh.

I just had a bit of a meltdown. His clean clothes at he bottom of the laundry basket. I just started weeping as I can't just leave them there but I don't have the courage to open his clothes closet and put them away and see all his shirts hanging where I put them when he was here, in readiness for him. What am I putting them away for? Not a good night tonight.

[kayc]

George loved every season.  When it snowed we'd make snow angels.    He was all about living life to the fullest, I guess because until we found each other it wasn't that way.

[debi.williams]

I love the idea of snow angels Kayc how do you make them?

Thank god you both met and he was able to enjoy his life with you so much. They always say it's about quality not quantity of life. Personally I would prefer it if we had both particularly when it feels it was all over far too quickly, but that you met and were so happy is all we have now.

[kayc]

You lay down in the snow and wave your arms and legs to leave the imprint.    It's something happy people do.  We knew each other 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years 8 months, but boy did we pack it in to that time!

[debi.williams]

I love it! We are not always guaranteed snow here maybe every other year or even less, but whenever there was a fall my husband would take my son snowboarding and of course he could never resist building snowmen (they always looked eccentric!) and throwing snowballs with our son. You certainly packed in so much Kayc and had such fun together

[kayc]

:), we did.  I still have post it notes up all over the house that George left for me...he'd hide them in cupboards, closets, etc. and they'd have his cute version of a smiley face and something like "I love you, Little One" written on them.

[debi.williams]

How wonderful! What reminders of his love you have. What a special man. My last text message from my husband was when he was coming to pick me up from the office it just say 'coming my princess' -I am 53 and my 'princess' days are long behind me but not in his eyes! But what Princes we had Kayc

[kayc]

We sure did!  We were so totally and completely in love, people used to stare at us, like it was so rare and they were witnessing something special.  I think it had to do with the way we looked at each other and connected.

[iPraiseHim]

i agree, Even after twenty five years other people could see how we loved each other.  Many commented I hope to find a love like yours. We were blessed.  Shalom

 

[debi.williams]

You know, in our darkest days we forget a simple truth. That some people live their whole lifetimes without finding the love we have all experienced. Of course it is a double edged sword because when we are parted it is hell. BUT imagine never having had it?

[kayc]

I remember all too well what it was like to live without it, I was married to my kid's dad for 23 years. What a stark difference! I'm glad my kids got to witness a healthy loving marriage so they knew what to hold out for when they were making their choices.

[debi.williams]

So many people live in sad marriages and sometimes stay that way all their lives. To get a second chance at real happiness is a remarkable thing. I really matters what children see so they will know it too when it comes along.

[kevin]

Debi/Kayc.....my  Sister sent me a card stating the exact sentiments , how fortunate I was to have 31 years of shared love. My biggest regret is,  I took this  for granted like it would never end........And like one of you said, you can't be hurt this bad  unless  you have loved this hard.....Makes you wonder if you ever want to go through this again?

[scba]

Good question. I respect those who wish to start a new love relationship after so much pain. 

 

Edited September 28, 2015 by scba

[Guest]

Several people, including my psychiatrist and my grief counselor, have pointed out how rare my marriage is/was. It really was thirty-six years and two months of a fairy tale kind of relationship. For us every day was wonderful as long as we were together. We really were madly and passionately in love. But we were also pretty dependent on each other. I know that some day I will find comfort in having experienced this depth of love but today, sixty days since my wife died, I am miserable, exhausted, losing weight, not sleeping, crying frequently, searching for relief. 

Would I go through it again?  In a heartbeat!  

The pain that I am in now as tears are flowing down my cheeks is nothing compared with the ecstasy that I felt daily from the time I met my wife. 

Within Deedo I found everything I sought in a soulmate and so very, very much more. 

[debi.williams]

Kevin, I think we all, to some extent, take it for granted. I think it's because humans live in a bubble and we imagine that death cannot penetrate it. To be honest we rarely think of death as we go about our daily lives. We imagine that life will always be that way. The problem is we think we have time.

Brad you have written so beautifully about Deedo. Like you it is 60 days for me. We were also totally co dependent because we were each others best friends as well as passionately in love. Seeing his lovely face would turn a bad day at work into the feeling I had 'come home' so no bad day really mattered. Like you Brad, despite the agony now, there is no way I would wish it differently. Any of it apart from the end. 49 years old is no time to leave.

Scba I too respect those who feel they can start again. For me it will be many years from now or never. He will always have my heart I feel.