Passage of time

[Scottsgirl]

This morning marks 28 days. 4 weeks, where did the time go? I'm beginning to wonder if a Thursday will ever be a good day again. 

I get up, make breakfast for my son, but the world feels surreal again. The past 2 days have been somewhat tolerable, but not this morning. Apparently time heals, not entirely sure about that but I have to go on faith. Every Thursday morning it feels like my heart is being ripped out all over.

i question my strength to endure this. But I will carry on. What other choice do I have! This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life!

[kayc]

I have been through a lot in my life, but nothing compares to losing George.  It affects every avenue of your being!  Time goes on, it seems surreal in the beginning.  It seems unfathomable that other can go on living like nothing happened when your world came to a stunning end!  I look back and it's hard to believe I survived it, but that's the thing about time, it continues to march on regardless of how you feel.  I didn't see how I could live through it either, but somehow ten years have gone by...I still miss him, think about him constantly, not a day goes by...

[Harleyquinn]

I think what strikes a lot of people who have suffered loss, is how can it be possible that the days continue to move on... the world should stop right? the Minute Michael's heart stopped beating, the world should have stopped. 

I never wanted to live in a world that didn't have Michael in it...but here it is..... over 3 months later...and I have to get up every day, get dressed, go to work...pay bills...go to the grocery store.....it's surreal that all these things happen...but he is gone...

[KATPILOT]

I remember at first it was as if I was clinging to the side of a river bank as the rushing water kept pulling at me. I had this desperate fear of letting go and drowning in the rush of demands. You feel that way when you lose your footing. We don't have any idea of how to act in life, what to do, what to say, or even how to do our jobs. This all reminds me of the song by Skeeter Davis, "End of the world". I certainly asked that question.

And yes kayc, even when you think you have had it so bad, this comes along.  I didn't want to live in this world without my wife either Harleyquinn but "boom" you're there. Oh my dear Scottsgirl, four weeks is such a raw time. The longer the travel, the lesser the pain. Both of you.  The pain is great but compassion is here.

[santiken]

Yes...4 weeks for me was still disbelief that she could really be gone from this planet. Actual acute sorrow didn't peak until 2-3 months and now coming up on4 months AD it's a complete and chaotic roller coaster ride of sorrow, anger, extreme anxiety, lethargy, no motivation, no hope, depression, with tiny glimpses of joy here and there. Whenever I'm in nature I feel better although it is also a trigger since we did so much together in nature. 27 years of knowing and loving your most precious thing in the world only to lose them in a horrific way is traumatic beyond comprehension and worse than the scariest horror movie a thousand times. Heck, I was in such a state of anxiety that my blood pressure shot up to 190 over 120...not good. Unfortunately, we are forced into becoming a member of a club that would otherwise have no members if we had it our way. We must travel this lonely dark road and hopefully as time goes on we will begin to see the stars again through the darkness.This is the way I'm approaching this upheaval.

[KarenK]

For me, time passes and yet I still feel myself wandering along aimlessly. I can't seem to get past May 5,2013 when Ron died or July 27, 2014 when Debbie died. It's not that I dwell on the specific dates, just that my life as I knew it ended upon his death and my remaining soul was shattered upon hers. I make plans in my head to attempt to make new friends(maybe at the Senior Center or church), but when the time comes I'm just too tired or don't feel like leaving the house. I go through all the motions of housework, grocery shopping, cooking, etc, but I have no joy in my life. All of this is accentuated by my fear of losing the house and the severe depression my grandson suffers. He barely speaks to me or his dad. It's ironic that the only reason I care about the house is for him to have a place to live. Alone, I would have more options.

I want so badly to move forward. Some days it feels like I'm stuck in glue, while others are more like sinking in quicksand. I guess I am no longer angry at the questionable medical care each of them received. It serves no purpose and no amount of money could bring them back. I'm just tired, lonely, sad, and at times frightened of the future. Like you, Santiken, I am still waiting for the stars to appear in the darkness.

Karen

[debi.williams]

Santiken, it is coming up for 3 months since my beloved husband died 78 days in total, and I identify with everything you have said. I have had a complete meltdown this last weekend, well starting last Friday actually and I didn't go to work. I am seized by the horror that my husband was afraid (he died very suddenly of a brain hemorrhage) at the end and as he was being transported to 2 different hospitals without me and our son (we were following behind) and it is tearing me apart. He was such a sensitive man that he would tune very easily into anyone else's grief and pain. The fact that he may have felt fear is destroying me inside. Grief is so multi layered isn't it? You peel of one layer of numbness and shock and underneath is a whole other thought and emotion that grips you and won't let go and some days you run the gamut and get them all as I did on Friday. 

Did he know I loved him more than life? Did he REALLY know that at the end? Did he know he was dying? Did he hear me speak? Did he know our son held his hand for hours? Did he feel us stroking his head? Could we have done anything more? 

I have also become horrified that we didn't put anything in his coffin with him, no locks of our hair or photos. Nothing. By the time I thought of this they had sealed the coffin and wouldn't reopen it. I failed him. it is torture. Pure torture. I feel like I am drowning and I can't come up for air.

[kayc]

Oh Debi, you didn't fail him!  We couldn't even THINK in those days!  I'm surprised you are able to yet!  They know it was hard for us and they're proud of us.  We could have taken the easy way out, but we didn't, we're persevering through.

Karen, I can relate to your feelings.  When the anxiety builds up (I can worry about anything) I remind myself to stay in the present, do some deep breathing, change the subject in my mind to something more pleasant (like his arms around me) and let my anxiety slip away...

[scba]

Dear Debbi, I'm very sorry, I can understand, and I think all of us do. I'm sure that we haven't failed them, but it feels like we did. Why? Because we weren't able to prevent/foreseen their deaths? because love wasn't enought to keep them alive? I'm too still struggling.....

 

[debi.williams]

Dear KayC and Scba thank you so much for your reassurance. I feel as though I am losing my mind bit by bit. What you say Kayc is so right, I couldn't think straight at the time and my rational mind knows this The dark voice in me keeps saying 'yes but he is alone in there with nothing of you both' I keep thinking of all the things I should have done differently. Some are ridiculous I know like ' I should have known what was going to happen' 'I should have seen the warning signs' (there were none). Others like the coffin I should have done. I did it for my Father, Grandmother and Mother and yet NOT for the love of my life.....Why oh why? He so hated being alone. I more or less let his cousin plan the funeral. I just couldn't go through it so soon after my mom. His was the only one I didn't take charge of. My beloved man. And he so hated being alone. 

it's true Scba we feel we have failed because we couldn't foresee their deaths and because ultimately love wasn't enough to save them. I realise now that their deaths are just the beginning of the spiral.

Santiken and Karen I would do anything, anything I could, if I could, to help us all. 

[scba]

I understand... I remember some thoughts such as: "this is my fault, he decided to go on surgery to give us-me a better quality of life. I've caused this". His mother thought that because she wasn't allowed to be on the surgery room, and since it was the first time she wasn't with him in hospital, that lack of maternal presence brought the end. 

Somehow we must find a way (or let it be time) to "convert" this thougts full of guilt and "I should have" that are hurting so bad. I repeat this to myself "7 days at ICU, (when I failed in being strong, talking to him while in coma, saying goodbye) cannot define our entire relationship. I am a human being who was facing something that was out of my power and scared of loosing the thing I love the most". 

We must find a way to forgive ourselves. I don't know how, I cannot offer practical advice on this. I wish there was a pill to swallow and that's it. Guilt over. 

[kevin]

After the services my neighbour came up to me crying, she said she should have checked closer on a request I made 7 years earlier. I told her it was seven years earlier and it didn't cause anything today...That is what or how guilt effects all of us...I truly believe it takes a good person to question the guilt emotion or to second guess their own actions.......I find if you look in the mirror and like the person you see, you did your best....

[Guest]

Debi and Scba - I can so relate to all of the ????  I've been pretty good about forgiving myself and trying to take to heart that all decisions that were made were made out of love and the best information available.  I know that but then yesterday hit and what started as questioning did I do the right thing blossomed into fearing I hurt Deedo years ago when she joined me in yard work and I wanted alone time, or when she was joking with me and I didn't take it well.  Stupid little things that she probably wouldn't have remembered and yet I spent most of the afternoon punishing myself because in that moment I had not been the person she saw when she looked at me.  I'm guessing that this is all part of the process.  Deedo's Birthday is Friday and I've noticed that although I feel like I've prepared for it as best I could, I have been very cognizant of it and am finding this week is far harder than last week.  Hopefully next week will be better, until Halloween - she loved Halloween. (I hate it)

[kayc]

Debi, I remember going through those same feelings.  I hope you work through it soon...misplaced guilt is hard to go through!

[scba]

Dear Brad, I understand too when you say that you put under question small attitudes towards your wife. A friend suggested me that the reason why I am focusing on episodes in the past is because he died, that if he were alive I wouldnt feel so guilty and a failure. However, we can't avoid these feelings. I hope that with time their power will be lessen.

[Harleyquinn]