Another day another heartache

[debi.williams]

Well today has not been a good one. My husband had 2 cars and one of them we have to say goodbye to. Why does this matter? Because this was the first car we chose together as a couple. This was the car that took us to Cornwall on holiday with my mom when I was pregnant with Max. This was the car we called 'Pilar' (like Pilau rice) This was the car that picked Max and me up from the hospital on Max's second day of life. This was the car that was parked outside our apartment in London. The first car we brought to Brussels with us. This is the car that my husband hung onto for dear life even when we didn't need it because he was a deeply sentimental man. This now is the car I have to say goodbye to.

I can't afford the insurance anymore, plus there is a problem with the battery, electrics etc. It leaks, the passenger door sticks, it has a myriad of problems, but it was always our Pilar. We have to keep moving it (well my husband's friends not me as I don't drive) as they are carrying out street works everywhere and police signs keep going up. Last night my husband's friend called to say that it is time to say goodbye now despite the memories as it will need to be moved again. It is a responsibility. 

Max is very upset. He had so wanted to hold on to her.  Today we visited her and loaded so many things from the car. We found Max's bucket and spade from a long forgotten holiday. my mom's umbrella, a little inflatable boat, its old UK numberplate (we had to re register it when we brought it to Belgium) my husband had hung onto it the numberplate was of course P2ILAR. Some of his letters where there and old baby shoe of Max's, a map of cornwall and other holidays. We were so thankful it was raining hard as we were both weeping. We took some last pictures of her because she will go for scrap now and no one will ever know the joy of some of her destinations or the most precious of souls she carried. She never broke down, she never let us down. On the coldest of morning she would start. 

I don't know what my husband would make of it. I know he would understand though. There are only 4 people in the world that knew what that car represented and 2 of the are gone. 

It's a heap of metal, I get that but it represented my husband in a unique way. It was so dear to him and that makes it dear to us. As we trudged away with all the 'stuff' we found in her, we looked back one last time. It's yet another loss of sorts.

[hollowheart]

This was beautifully written. Like a novel, in fact. That car was like a family member, there through all the best memories, the good times and the bad. It was a part of the enjoyment you all shared together so no wonder it's very emotional to let go. That car was loyal like a person for so many years, it was like your fifth member. 

I'm very sentimental too and when someone attached to that object is no longer there you want to keep everything they touched as that is a part of them. I know just where you are coming from, but I love that you two had a moment with the car. Took pictures, unloaded everything out of it and bid it farewell. I'm finding it impossible not to have these kind of 'losses'. I'm dreading when we have to clean out my sisters apartment. How do you pick and choose and how do toss things that once meant something to them? I have a feeling I will have a lot of packed rubber maid containers for a few years to come.

[KarenK]

Debi,

I'm so sorry that you are having to let go of something that is so precious to you. Yes, it's only a hunk of metal, but is important to you and Max with all the memories it contains. I am just now getting rid of most of the John Wayne memorabilia and movies that Ron loved so much. I suppose having to sell his gun collection and the big safe are what bothered me the most. He was so careful with those guns, cleaning and oiling them at the proper intervals. He was very proud and had spent his entire life collecting them, but my son and I simply needed the money to survive. Yes, it is yet another loss and I hope in time we will adapt to all we have lost and will lose in the future(on my part anyway). For now, it is hard not to dwell on each loss.

So many years and so many memories. Last night I was watching "Erin Brockovich". In one scene, her toddler daughter was sitting on the kitchen counter and asked for a drink. It hit me like a train. When my daughter was that age, she would ask me for a "mink" as she couldn't pronounce drink. It almost had me in tears. Where did all the years go? Did she know how much I loved her and miss her? Too late to ask now. She was 50 when she died.

Not having a good day, I guess. Have had a bad headache for a week and earlier my big dog came running across the yard and accidentally head butted me in the head and knocked me silly. She definitely didn't cure the headache.

Tomorrow will be a better day for all of us.

 

[kayc]

It was hard for me to get rid of George's car and we didn't have all those memories with it!  It's hard, it feels like losing another piece of them.

Karen, I bet you have a double headache now, I hope you get to feeling better.

[Kpl48]

I just sorted through boxes and things we had in our storage shed. A worker and my good friend helped me. I cried off and on as the job went on. I kept very little, threw a lot out and gave some away. I've been feeling lonely since I did this. Today I'm having a very hard time. The storage shed was Andre's territory. He kept his tools there; the shelves were filled with my stuff. Now the space is cleared out. I don't have to be concerned with all the stuff anymore. But this is another painful reminder that he is gone, never to return. He wanted me to build a new life...I'm trying, but it hurts so bad. I'm sorry you just went through giving up your special car - it's all so painful. 

[Margm]

I know how much things can mean.  You see, I went and bought a new purse today from J.C. Penney's.  I would never buy any purse except from the thrift store.  But, my daughter and sister gave me two purses one Christmas, both came from Penney's. I wore both purses out because I hate buying purses. I have some precious things to carry in the many pockets of this purse, and maybe you will smile, but the last things Billy handed me were his teeth.  I have had his billfold since the first doctor's visit along with the $1 bill it had in it.  I had to have a new purse, one that I bought, to carry his precious items in.  I know how precious all these things are to us.  And, there are so many things I cannot let go of, things that make no sense at all.  My friend wrote me today telling me that now I had a chance to find myself.  Right now I feel like an orphan in my second childhood.  

[SuzanneLouise]

I've been reading a lot of posts on this site since my husband passed away unexpectedly on October 22. I'm not a very good writer so I have been hesitant to post anything but today was a bad day all around I guess. For the first time in over 31 years I had to pick out a turkey by myself. This used to be such a joyous time of year....Dave loved to cook and always came up with new dishes to try. He would come home from work and start cooking before even changing out of his shirt and tie. He would hate the house being cold and dark on Thanksgiving so to honor his memory we WILL have a turkey with all of the trimmings. Needless to say after putting the turkey in the car I sat and cried for 20 minutes in the grocery store parking lot. Maybe tomorrow will be better for us all. 

[Margm]

We just pour out our feelings Suzanne, just like you just did.  We will all have an empty chair at Thanksgiving.  Some people will have more than one empty chair.  Please know that we all share your pain.  All we can do is express it as best we can and everyone understands.  And sometimes, maybe not often, but sometimes we receive some solace for just a second, but even one second is precious to us all.  Please keep posting. Billy passed away October 17th.  We were married July 3, 1961. 

[SuzanneLouise]

Thank you for your gracious reply. I will keep reading all of the posts as I have gained a lot of insight into my own journey    through this nightmare. I feel more "at home" here than some of the other sites I have visited. I'm glad I finally felt comfortable enough to actually post something!  I don't even do Facebook!  

[Margm]

I visited some other sites also.  These people make you feel at home.  We are all going on this long journey together.  Just say what you feel.  You might find sometimes I might say a little too much, but so far they have not kicked me off. But I do Facebook.  Some of the girls that I graduated with in 1960 (and yes, they are still girls to me), they have lost their husbands and they have been very supportive of me.  One of my friends lost her husband last December.  I had started to reach on Billy's side of the bed and say "your not there and you never will be again" and it hurt like heck.  She told me never to do that, she told me to tell him how much I love him and he will always be with me.  Just that simple little thing helped me so much.  Of course he will be with me.  I think I was trying to work on the "acceptance" part of grief but somehow it hurt worse.  Also, she pulled up his chair that he always lay in (after he passed away) and she told him all the terrible things he had done against her during their marriage and then she told him all the wonderful things he had done and they far outweighed anything bad.  She just sat and talked to that chair until she was exhausted, and it helped her.  I did this on one of my trips to the "big city" that is 40 miles away from where I live.  I talked to four of his hats all the way to town and all the way home.  I thought it had really helped me but when I got out in the car and saw his hats just going to our little town I live in I cried all the way home.  So, the water works come on at any time.  I just cried all the way home today from the "big city" because I spent money that he should have been getting enjoyment from.  My neighbor Hettie told me those times will come.  Her husband has been gone two years and she has been my grief counselor extraordinaire since October 17th.  We have to have someone.  I mentioned that I would just be walking in circles anywhere if I did not have someone to talk to.  They say grief is not a mental illness, but sometimes I feel certifiable.  (See, sometimes I just go on and on.) 

[SuzanneLouise]

I love it Margaret!  I'll keep "listening " and learning from all of you. 

[Gwenivere]

I'm reading all these posts about cars and of course the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and feeling what so many are.  I still have Steve's van and run it weekly so the battery doesn't die.  Think I have actually driven maybe 3 times since he died.  I am not ready to give it up.  I get zinged every time I come home seeing it, but I know a totally empty spot would be worse.  I've lost so much of him already in so many ways.  

As for Thansgiving, we always spent that alone as we have no children or family that is close or still living.  It was our favorite holiday as we just hung out here with the digs and he cooked the turkey.  That was his job and he took it seriously.  Last year some friends invited me over, but their traditions did not fit what I was used to for years.  This year I will be on my own again.  I'm very much in a raw emotional place so the thought of socializing (a friend offered an invitation) does not appeal.  I also haven't the energy to fake it on something like this.  So it will be the dogs and me.  My birthday is the day before so when TDay is over that will be 4 of 6 hard dates to get thru this time of year.  The first was the one year anniversary and his birthday a couple weeks ago.  That leaves Christmas and our wedding anniversary in January.  I wish there was better spacing because I barely get a chance to recover from one when another hits.  But then, thinking of all those spread over the year doesn't appeal either.  My wish would be this wasn't happening at all and life is what it was.   But I don't think Santa or anyone has a bag that big to bring it.  

I know those of you with family will struggle thru this.  But I hope having them gives you a little peace.

[kayc]

SuzanneLouise,

I'm glad you finally posted.  It helps to feel included in a group that understands what you're going through.  You're very new into the grief journey, I'm sure it was hard to clean some of his stuff out, most wouldn't even try that soon.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post and I do understand about crying over buying a turkey.  (((hugs)))

[hollowheart]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

As for Thansgiving, we always spent that alone as we have no children or family that is close or still living.  It was our favorite holiday as we just hung out here with the digs and he cooked the turkey.  That was his job and he took it seriously.  Last year some friends invited me over, but their traditions did not fit what I was used to for years.  This year I will be on my own again.  I'm very much in a raw emotional place so the thought of socializing (a friend offered an invitation) does not appeal.

Gwenivere, I nodded reading this about your friends traditions not aligning with your thing. I absolutely agree and I that is a big part of what makes me feel so lost and lonely 95% of the time. I know no one will want to do things the same way me and my sister did them or care about what we cared about doing together, and that is almost suffocating. I loved that you and Steve just chilled at home with the Turkey and the dogs, maybe some favorite TV shows or just hanging out and talking. Usually that's all you need. And when your good time featured that one person who is now gone there is no way to recreate that anywhere else.

We used to have big family get togethers for  Thanksgiving when my grandma was alive, we did it at her house. When she passed my aunt took the torch for a few years, then everyone eventually started doing their own thing with their immediate families. Me and my sister would  watch movies/TV or just hang out all holiday break (or shop) and mom would watch TV and chill on the couch. Everything was right with the world. Now I dont' have my hang out buddy but Mom still enjoys her couch sitting so I feel like my routine has been more interrupted than hers and it's a long, lonely, extremely lonely road to walk.