I'm a stubborn man no more

[R.Everit55]

I simply cannot snap out of this angry stink butt mood I've been existing in the last couple months.  A good friend sent me this a little bit ago.  And I have been sobbing for twenty minutes.  My princess was the most beautiful human being to me.  I can't just put that away in a drawer somewhere or go around anymore with a chip on my shoulders being a stupidly stubborn man.  The 9th will be one year and while I'm numb still in many aspects I refuse to be a bitter man in these last days leading to one year.  I'm scared for The New Year.  I feel like I'm leaving her behind even though she only lived for 9 days this year.  

Butch

[marsha]

Butch - there's no way you'll be leaving your sweet wife behind. I'm at 7 1/2 years (as of this coming New Year's day), and I've found, finally, that it's true, what all my friends here said so many years ago. Joe comes with me. I live my life, but he's with me, always. The bitterness and anger were there for the first years, definitely. It wasn't pretty, but I'm thinking it was necessary, at least for me. I will tell you what was told to me - don't be so hard on yourself. Emotions are neither negative nor positive, they are your emotions, period, as uncomfortable and painful as they can be. And hell, they can be, I can attest to that. Just my 2 cents - Marsha

[R.Everit55]

Thank you Marsha.  I pray Mary comes with me always, even when I'm being a stubborn soul who is angry.  

[kayc]

Butch, Mary will always be with you, just as George is with me.  And just because you evolve through this journey does NOT mean you're leaving her behind!  It means you're spot on where you need to be in your journey.

[R.Everit55]

Thanks Kay.  I am going out for New Years tomorrow night with a couple buddies.  I decided to celebrate her life if I could and that she was still hanging on a year ago with us.  I will try.  

[Guest]

Butch - 

I think we are all facing the same challenge: How to go on without leaving our Marys, our Georges, our Matthews, our Connors, our Steves, our Billys, our Deedos behind.  I want so badly to share little snippets of every day with the one I've been sharing with for the past thirty-seven years.  Others don't relate on the same level.  I want to find a way to find a future that includes Deedo.  She told me to find companionship; I don't see how.  She told me to grieve for a short time; pretty much impossible to limit my grief.  I like that you are going out with some friends to celebrate Mary's life.  I'm not there yet.  With all you've been through this year maybe it will help to turn a new leaf.  You have every right to be angry and hurt.  Those are normal reactions.  Peace will come with time.  I hope.

[kayc]

Butch, try to have a good time, I think it'd please Mary.  I'm so glad you're going to be with buddies!

[Gwenivere]

23 hours ago, Brad said:

Butch - 

I think we are all facing the same challenge: How to go on without leaving our Marys, our Georges, our Matthews, our Connors, our Steves, our Billys, our Deedos behind.  I want so badly to share little snippets of every day with the one I've been sharing with for the past thirty-seven years.  Others don't relate on the same level.  I want to find a way to find a future that includes Deedo.  She told me to find companionship; I don't see how.  She told me to grieve for a short time; pretty much impossible to limit my grief.  

I read about some peoples spouses telling them to find companionship.  Steve didn't do that, but not because he didn't want me to be happy, it was because we knew neither of us could without the other.  He felt so bad knowing he was leaving me and that he could nothing about it.  He knew me well enough that like you, Brad, after 37 years that no one could even come remotely close to someone I would share my life with.  He talked about if it were him and how his life would be the dogs and his music, nothing more.  No one more.  

Its the little things like sharing those little snippets that get to me.  Yes, the biggies do too, but I can contact a company or whatever to solve those.  But to spend day after day in the world and have no one to tell about it is so lonely.  I know that is why many of the things happening in the world mean nothing to me.  I hear about the horrible things on the news and find I am empty to feel much about them.  I know that sounds horrible.  But I have adopted this attitude there is nothing I can do and seeing the pain of others makes me feel helpless.  If Steve were here, we would be talking about the atrocities and feeling that pain.  

This grief robs me of so much more than his physical presence.  Sometimes I don't like the person I am turning into.  I hope that changes.  I want to feel for others again deeply.  I am not going to beat myself up for it tho.  As we have all found, we can't make ourselves feel things we don't and no pt feel the things we do.  

I was reading the thread about gratefulness in Kay's thread about what we are doing to improve our life.  I couldn't post anything because for one I am trying to survive, not improve at this point.  I am very fortunate to have a home and not be struggling financially.  I know this.  But the pain of losing Steve (and our golden retriever a couple months before) trumps that in my heart.  I know it would all be different if I didn't have the tangible stability.  So if that makes me appear self centered, there is nothing I can do about that.  I come here daily and read about the pain I can relate to and that can rip my heart out for all of you I have come to care about.  That I feel deeply because of what you all have given me.  I am not cold hearted, just following my own path as it unfolds the bet I can, like all of us.  I really don't know what I would do without all of you.  For thank I am grateful,more than I can express.

[Gwenivere]

Oh, plus I don't want to be a downer to those that feel those good things.  When that happens for someone, the last thing you want to do is seem you are trampling on that.  I'm glad there are some good feelings to read, even if they aren't mine.  

[MartyT]

Gwen, my dear, try to remember that everyone here is at a different point on this journey of grief, each with our own personality, history, individual resources, unique circumstances and all the rest. You cannot be anywhere but where you are right now, in this moment, in this place. There is no need to explain any of that, and certainly no need to apologize for it. The simple fact is that you are where you are, you're doing the best you can under the circumstances, and let it be enough. I do not experience you as a downer who is trampling on anyone's feelings here.  ♥

[kayc]

Survival is where you start, dear Gwen, and that is doing the best you can for your life!  If it's not what your feeling, no need to apologize for where you're at!

[marsha]

Gwen. Gwen! The truth of the matter is - no matter what our spouses said to us when they were alive, as to what they wanted for us....they didn't know what it would be like being the one left behind. We're going through what they didn't. You know? Just my thoughts..

And I agree with Marty. You are where you are right now, and it's ok. Be gentle on yourself, seriously. Marsha

[Guest]

Gwen,

Simply piggybackiing on what has already been said.  It is important to remember that none of us are going through exactly what you are going through.  Grief is unique to each individual and all relationships are unique; no two are identical hence the grief will be equally unique.  I relate more strongly to some than I do to others simply because I feel a connection with them.  That does not mean we are grieving the same way only that the way they chose to phrase their feelings are a closer fit to how I am feeling as I read their posts.  As I read my posts I feel somewhat psychotic, actually schizophrenic; I'll state something on one post and completely contradict myself on another thread.  Both comments will be written within minutes of each other and both comments will reflect exactly how I am feeling at that particular moment.  Hence the sense of losing one's mind.  It's the same in my support group.  There are those whom I identify with and those whom I don't.

Where else can you be a downer (I'm not saying you are because I don't see you that way, just using your expression) and still be loved and accepted for yourself without reservations or hesitation?  Grief is so misunderstood in our society.  

[Guest Janka]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I read about some peoples spouses telling them to find companionship.  Steve didn't do that, but not because he didn't want me to be happy, it was because we knew neither of us could without the other.  He felt so bad knowing he was leaving me and that he could nothing about it.  He knew me well enough that like you, Brad, after 37 years that no one could even come remotely close to someone I would share my life with.  He talked about if it were him and how his life would be the dogs and his music, nothing more.  No one more.

Of course,everyone can find a company if he really wants to,but I´m also the same as you,my dear friend.Me and my beloved Jan also were of the same opinion to do not find another person in our lives.It would be out of question for both of us,because we found together the best in one another as we had always been dreaming of.We found the kind of love that happens only once in a lifetime and we were blessing to find it,though just for a short time,but those 5 years did mean to us much more than 50 years to someone else.We have something irreplaceable forever.

I hope that you´re feeling a little bit better,though I know how much hard the Christmas is.

Hugs from Janka

[kayc]

How's it going, Butch?  I hope you're having a good time tonight!

[R.Everit55]

I couldn't imagine finding female companionship.  I have a friend of my beloved wife who I've connected with but can't imagine love or companionship right now.

Kay, thank you for asking sweet friend.  I went out.  We were home before midnight because my heart ached to be with my grandsons as the ball dropped.  My heart is breaking that in eight days Jan 9th is a year.  I'm cycling through anger tears anger again disbelief numbness anger again more tears.  My heart is still in pieces.  

I tried to have a good few hrs with the buddies I went out with.  

Its very cold here now after two weeks of 60 and 70 degrees crazy weather.  

Happy New year everyone.  

Butch

[scba]

an article that I have just read, and I hope it can be helpful.

Peace for 2016.

[Gwenivere]

Thank all of you for your support for me being myself.  That is why I so treasure this place and everyone here.  I know what you mean, Brad, about contradictions in minutes.  It's rapid cycling all these emotions.  Marsha, you are right.  Our spouses don't know what this was going to be like no matter how much we discussed it.  And Marty, thank you for always being there and providing this place of what sanity we can grab and bringing so many together to find that.  Good of bad, whatever the day, whatever the reason.  

[hollowheart]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Its the little things like sharing those little snippets that get to me.  Yes, the biggies do too, but I can contact a company or whatever to solve those.  But to spend day after day in the world and have no one to tell about it is so lonely.  

This is me right now. It's almost driving me crazy. Like you also mentioned about hearing about bad things on the news and not really feeling much. Me and my sister would be concerned about local and world news. If I mention things to some friends they are just like "uhhh ok" like I'm crazy for being so upset and concerned about a random murder or horrible event. My sister cared. Without her I know I have just don't care anymore. That's not me. 

[Guest]

I think I tend to be the opposite.  Prior to losing Deedo I would hear about tragedies and think that's too bad, so sad and move on.  Now when I hear about people dying, regardless of the circumstances, I feel a deep and profound sorrow for the loved ones left behind.  I never knew that grief could be so all-consuming, so all-encompassing, so devastating as what I feel. Now I tend to mourn not only my loss but the loss of others.  I'm more profoundly saddened as I pass shrines on the highway, the adopt-a-highway signs make me wonder what the loved ones are now going through.  I know that death is part of life, but now I know that grief is part of death and that grief, the gut wrenching grief, is in my mind the worst series of emotions a human has to endure.  

[Gwenivere]

Brad, I think mine is a defense mechanism.  I will not watch the news because it depresses me more knowing people are suffering.  I don't know how fictitious shows I watch coincidentally have some cancer content or a spouse dying.  We all have our survival techniques and for me it is a shutdown I didn't choose.  I can't even stand the commercials for animals in need after losing our dog in 2014 as that is my last memory of what Steve and I did together before the cancer dementia kicked in.  So I am mourning her now.  Death is a part of life.  Every day I can Huffington Post and more deaths.  Next will be the famous that died in 2015.  My famous are gone too, that is enough.  

[Guest]

Gwen

I've always been an avid reader but since Deedo died I can only reread books I am familiar with; partly due to concentration but also it seems as if every time I start a new book, the wife, girlfriend, mother dies half way through and I can't read any further.  Same thing with movies; I'm rewatching ones that I'm familiar with because I don't want surprises.  Deedo never could watch the animal commercials, every time one came on I had to change the channel until it was over.  And you are so right the most important ones for us are gone too.  Today I found myself mourning for Natalie Cole's family.

[Guest Janka]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

Gwen

I've always been an avid reader but since Deedo died I can only reread books I am familiar with; partly due to concentration but also it seems as if every time I start a new book, the wife, girlfriend, mother dies half way through and I can't read any further.  Same thing with movies; I'm rewatching ones that I'm familiar with because I don't want surprises.  Deedo never could watch the animal commercials, every time one came on I had to change the channel until it was over.  And you are so right the most important ones for us are gone too.  Today I found myself mourning for Natalie Cole's family.

Brad,tell you something.In the bedroom me and my beloved Jan had been sleeping before he died,there is still the Christmas tree with those ornaments my beloved Jan had bought me then.I can´t take it away from me since he died.I think something inside of me would die.There are many things we all have to struggle with.

Janka

[Guest]

Oh my dear Janka-

It is easy to see where the inspiration for your poetry comes from. You are so dedicated to your precious Jan. There are so many things that take on new meanings a values after our loved ones have died. Somethings of Deedo's I can remove or change around and not think twice and yet others become sacrosanct, something that has to be enshrined to become hallow ground lest I forget my love.   I don't know if there's rhyme or reason as to which items I give away and which I choose to enshrine. Maybe someday I'll figure it out. All I really know is that if I'm ever to find companionship as Deedo wanted, the gal will have great senses of humor and understanding. 

[kayc]

Butch,

I'm still glad you went out with your buddies, nothing wrong with wanting to be with your grandson when the clock struck midnight!

I woke up to my electricity being out this morning, AGAIN, for the fourth time this week, I'm getting frustrated with it!  I just got it back a few minutes ago, and it's a good thing, my blood sugar was dropping from not eating enough but I don't like opening the refrigerator door when it's out because it warms it up even if you're quick.

I know the one year mark is going to probably be hard to get through, but I hope it isn't a bad as the anticipation, which is often the case.  Hugs to you my dear friend!  And you can send some of that warm weather my way, just for a week or two, I'd relish it!